Is it wrong that I don't even like her anymore?

[juliabohemian]

GVC -thanks for the info. Yes, it would seem we are neighbors.

Wyntersgrace -thanks for the affirmation and I'm sure we'll speak again.

Marguerite -I have no personal qualms with the concept of autism, or fears of my daughter being autistic. My own mother made the mistake of choosing to live in denial that I had anything wrong with me. Instead I grew up completely confused as to why I had such a high IQ but couldn't seem to pass a test or get anything done in class. The end result was low self-esteem and depression.
I'm very well read in the DSM and she just doesn't fit any of those criteria. I'm inclined to lean towards Adhd because I have it as well and it has a heavy genetic prevalence. I suppose it's possible, but I have too many friends whose children have actually been diagnosed as autistic and my daughter's issues are completely different.

Sara -thanks I already got the book and am plowing through it.

 

[Marguerite]

Julia, that's good. You've clearly given it serious thought.

Something to consider (from our own experience) - your ADHD is not necessarily going to bear much resemblance to hers. There can be quite big differences within the same family.

Even if she's not Aspie, she "feels" Aspie to me and I do wonder if some of the techniques that have worked so well for many of us, might also help you with her too. Even if the diagnosis is negative, it may function as a working hypothesis. At least in the absence of anything that works better!

We also have the ADHD running (galloping!) in our family so I'm familiar with that as well. With difficult child 1, we were told he was ADHD and DEFINITELY not autistic. I specifically asked that question when he was 6 and was conclusively told, "No way," by a psychologist who worked with the Autism Association.
difficult child 1 was 15 when Asperger's was finally diagnosed.
In all those years we never properly were able to manage him and looking back, we did a lot of things wrong. But even doing those things wrong, taught us a great deal which we are using now.

I didn't mean to imply that YOU had fears of the autism label - I was describing the fears that I had when I was younger, which I now realise were the result of seriously wrong information and the attitude in general towards autism, back in those days.

I'm sorry about the experience you had growing up. I've seen it with a sister of mine as well as a few nephews. One in particular, his parents were determined that he would do well in school and they really were horrible to him. I was in my teacher training phase at the time and I could see what was wrong but couldn't get through to my brother about his son. They were very wealthy (at the time) and seemed to think that if they threw enough money at the problem he would grow up happy and successful. Not so.

I see you're fighting CFS as well - not easy! No wonder she really gets you down. It's a nasty combination to try to deal with. been there done that. In spades. Did you know it was an Aussie researcher who ensured that clinical depression was not to exclude someone from a CFS diagnosis? Before him, doctors would tell a patient, "We find that you're suffering from depression. That is the problem, it can't be CFS."
After our bloke came along (Ian Hickie) doctors were able to say that a patient could have depression AND CFS, which meant that treatment could have multiple directions.

Hang in there. I'm glad you found us.

Marg

 

[Wiped Out]

Just want to add my welcome-so glad you found us-as you can tell you are not alone!

 

[Christy]

Hello!
I see you've gotton some good suggestions and advice so far. I just wanted to offer my support.

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us!
Christy

 

[juliabohemian]

Marguerite -The thing is that my daughter doesn't appear to have any trouble relating to kids her own age. Other kids get along with her, for the most part. She doesn't appear to be oblivious to social cues. I have several Aspie friends, so I'm not totally clueless in that regard.

I personally remember not being able to relate to other children and I don't think I really got along with my peers in a practical sense until I was about 15 or so. But it wasn't that I didn't understand social cues. I was hypersensitive to any sort of critisism or anything that resembled rejection -I later realized because of my mother's scathing remarks. I was forced into GATE because of high test scores and when I failed to perform at the level she wanted, I was labeled a failure in her eyes. She repeated this process with all 4 of her children.

My biggest fear was that my daughter would suffer the same social alienation that I felt growing up, but so far that does not appear to be the case. of course, I have no idea how much of that was exacerbated by my mother's inability to give a **** about my feelings.

 

[Marguerite]

I wasn't always able to relate well to other children either, when I was a kid. I had similarly high expectations placed on me with the feeling that I was never going to be good enough. I'd bring home a report card saying I had scored 97% in English and was third in the class; all I felt I got in return was, "Why weren't you first? And what happened to the other 3%?"
With hindsight, I wonder if they might have been gently teasing; but what I perceived, is what has stayed with me. I also had my own parents' lack of opportunity to live down - my father had wanted to be a teacher, but his family couldn't afford to send him to college to get his qualifications; besides, it was the Depression. My mother left school when she became a teenager, in order to stay at home and help her mother, who was ill. Elder daughters did those things back then. So I was expected to make the best of the wonderful opportunity I had, that my parents had not.
I was also a child in a family of adults, and would converse with adults readily. But other kids felt I was "bunging it on" and trying to act grown up. Frankly, I hated my childhood. I made a pact with myself very early on, to always remember what it had felt like to me as a child, to experience all the things that adults kept telling me were so wonderful. I never wanted to become the kind of adult I despised, the kind who patronised children or was totally out of touch with them. In short, I made a decision to never grow up.

A bright child is going to feel alienated. A bright child with any sort of learning problem is going to not only feel alienated, but frustrated as well as fraudulent. Self-esteem plummets, confidence plummets, and if ANY adult in your environment SEEMS at all unsupportive, it makes things far worse. And if the adults in your life ARE unsupportive (instead of just seeming to be) the reality can take many years to overcome, if ever.

WHat helped me eventually - I finally recognised that I was answerable TO MYSELF and to nobody else, for what I choose to do with my brains. At the moment, everything has been submerged as I focus all my energies on the kids and getting them off to a good start, getting them to the point where THEY can finally work independently with what they have got.

Social alienation is both real and perceived. ALL kids perceive a high level of social alienation, especially between about 6 and 16. How much of it is REAL - doesn't matter so much. It's how we help them deal with it and learn to find their own feet in it, that is more important.

Julia, you have several Aspie friends. I guess I'm safe in saying that they would also classify you as a friend? So if THEY can each lay claim to having at least one good friend, then you can see that a daughter with ADHD has a good chance as well, of finding at least one good friend. Set the example for her and teach her how to BE a good friend, to at least one other person.

We can never be loved by everyone, which is why we as children perceive ourselves to be unpopular. We need to stop worrying about being loved, and learn to love without wanting anything in return. It's a difficult lesson for a child to learn because it means moving from the position of egocentricity into which every child is born, towards selflessness, which is almost against basic human nature.

Marg

 

[Verydistressedmomofodd]

any update since?