Isolating son I am weak but strong

[JayPee]

I also am not having a very good emotionally strong day. Younger, homeless son (26) is still living in his car. My ex-husband took over enabling and giving him gas $ but his health has deteriorated so dramatically due to the long term affects of alcoholism and his schizophrania that he is putting the brakes on giving younger son money. To be honest, selfishly, it was a relief for me but now younger son is calling telling me he only has $10 left hardly any gas, it's cold..etc.

This pattern with younger son has gone on for 3 yrs. now. I initially tried to help him find resources and ways to function for a good two years (it's not to say prior to when he was living at home with us that I didn't. But then he had no worries about a roof over his head). He has no ability to follow through on anything. Phone calls and follow ups to these resources is just too much for him to handle. Anyways, I had 2 homeless sons for a while and literally drained myself financially. I was worried, resentful and felt like I was going to fall apart.

I don't want that life for myself anymore. But it is so difficult when you try to put them in touch with resources/housing etc. to no avail. It's like banging your head against a wall and he has made no progress whatsoever in these last several years, even when I provided, food, gas $ etc.

I ask myself, when will this ever get any better?

 

[New Leaf]

I don’t feel strong, was not a good nite. I have a warm bed , food when I want. He called his sister to say he hadn’t eaten in 2 days. Why doesn’t he utilize any of the info/ resources we have sent multiple times

Because he has made a choice to live as he does. Mental issues, drug use, self medicating, whatever the case, there is help for our wayward adult children, but they want to do things their way. Then put it on us. AWM, I don’t know any background to your story, but I am willing to bet that you have tried just about everything to help your son. None of us are cold hearted parents, turning our children out into the wilderness, so to speak. Most of us have bent over backwards to try to get our adult kids to choose a different path, to take care of themselves, to be self sustaining. Many of us have done so at the ultimate cost of losing the peace in our homes and hearts with the chaos and drama of addiction and everything that comes with that, destruction of property, theft, lies, refusal to contribute, help around the house, or even act decently towards us. Living conditions have made it quite clear that the mistreatment and unacceptable boundary crossing will only continue. So, we are forced by the actions of our adult children to ask them to leave. They don’t want to follow rules. They want to do whatever they want. That is unacceptable. Allowing that to continue is debilitating for them and us.
I am sorry your daughter is angry at you. That is part of our wayward adult kids game, it is called triangulating. They will get close to one loved one, someone who is likely to side with them, to manipulate and control another.
I know how this feels. It is an awful thing to go through. I am sorry for your aching mother’s heart.
My daughter has been homeless for years now. She has had opportunities with social workers help to get on her feet, move into a shelter, to no avail. Shelters have rules, and she does not want to follow the rules. Yet, she will complain about being raided by police, having her belongings thrown in the dump truck, having to constantly start all over again. But she won’t do anything to get off the streets, although there is help for her.
I have gone down a few times to plead with her to live differently, to no avail. I have seen boxes of food delivered by churches, sitting out for the homeless in the park. There are soup kitchens and places to go to eat.
This is very very hard to deal with on our own. I hope you have some support, a group, a therapist to help you sort through the grief of it. Please know that you are not alone. Take good care of yourself and build your toolbox. Oftentimes we are weary and sad over the lifestyles of our adult children, it can be very difficult to bear. Having someone to talk with is important. Writing here has helped me tremendously. There is no judgement, just folks who are traveling this journey at different points on the path.
I hope you are able to feel better. I have found that giving my worries, grief and stress to my higher power has helped. When it is too much to bear, I look up and pray for strength and for my daughters to find their way. Yes, they are out there while I have a roof over my head and food. But, it is their choice to live as they do. I also believe that taking care of myself is a way to show by example what I most wish for them. That they love themselves enough to find their true potential.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Jaypee, so sorry you are having a rough day. I have had many. Sometimes I let myself sink into the sorrow and have a good cry. Then I pray, hard. Walks help, reading and listening to favorite music helps.

I don't want that life for myself anymore. But it is so difficult when you try to put them in touch with resources/housing etc. to no avail. It's like banging your head against a wall and he has made no progress whatsoever in these last several years, even when I provided, food, gas $ etc.

It is difficult, but drives the point home that we have no control over another’s choices, and we can’t “over-care” our loved ones into action. In other words, we can’t care about their situations more than they do. That just continues to shift the consequences from them to us. The fact that you have set boundaries for yourself to not live that life anymore is huge.

I ask myself, when will this ever get any better?

Things have not gotten better for my eldest as far as I know. For Tornado, she has started rehab, so we shall see where this goes. It has gotten better for me, as I continually work towards accepting that “it is what it is” and know that I didn’t cause this, can’t control or cure it. The only person I can control is myself. That is a daily effort. Some days are better than others. But, I am learning to trade the despair of my twos addiction, to feeling grateful and blessed for the time I had raising them and hope that one day those fond memories will awaken them from their lifestyles and help them to move into the light. I have had to learn the hard way that I am not the one to fix them. They have their own journey in life and as long as they are using, I will not be an active participant. I am on the sidelines praying for them to find their potential. I have not given up hope even after all of these years. Everyone has a chance to choose another path. My choice is to change the way I respond to their lifestyles. It makes no sense for my life to be degraded with sadness and grief along with their addiction. I have found that with prayer, I am able to understand that the way for me to help my two, is to lead by example and live my life to the fullest. That is not selfish, it is self care, what we all wish for our adult children, that they would take good care of themselves. We cannot preach that to them, and languish in despair ourselves.
Take care and do what you need to process your feelings and lift yourself up.
(((Hugs)))
Leaf

 

[RN0441]

So agree with everything New Leaf has posted and she would know!

I met a new lady at my women's group last night. I kind of know that every woman there is dealing with something horrendous so always wonder what each person's story is.

It turns out her daughter was a heroin addict from age 17 to 27. She is now clean and a counselor for other addicts. I was so shocked to hear her story because she didn't look like the type of mother that would have an addicted daughter. Yes I said that and see how crazy it sounds?? I don't look like that type either.

Her story brought me to tears because I still worry about my son because I sometimes feel he is straddling addiction. No pills for a few years but day drank yesterday since he was off work and husband out of town and I was at work.

UGH it's just too much. Of course I worry he will "go back" to where we were.

Can't do that. Ever.

 

[Beta]

New Leaf, your story with your children, and your response to it, always helps me as I try to live out my life responsibly even in the midst of the grief and sadness over the life our son is living and his continuing inability to see his illness and his continuing long-distance verbal abuse of us. I have tried repeatedly, even as recently as the other day, to convince him to leave Denver and stay with us so that the worry about his safety and wellbeing would be gone, but nothing doing; which is both a disappointment and a relief as I have no idea what it would actually be like to have him in our home at this point. Anyway, hearing of your struggles but also of your resolve to live the life you've been given is always helpful to me.

 

[always worried mom]

Because he has made a choice to live as he does. Mental issues, drug use, self medicating, whatever the case, there is help for our wayward adult children, but they want to do things their way. Then put it on us. AWM, I don’t know any background to your story, but I am willing to bet that you have tried just about everything to help your son. None of us are cold hearted parents, turning our children out into the wilderness, so to speak. Most of us have bent over backwards to try to get our adult kids to choose a different path, to take care of themselves, to be self sustaining. Many of us have done so at the ultimate cost of losing the peace in our homes and hearts with the chaos and drama of addiction and everything that comes with that, destruction of property, theft, lies, refusal to contribute, help around the house, or even act decently towards us. Living conditions have made it quite clear that the mistreatment and unacceptable boundary crossing will only continue. So, we are forced by the actions of our adult children to ask them to leave. They don’t want to follow rules. They want to do whatever they want. That is unacceptable. Allowing that to continue is debilitating for them and us.
I am sorry your daughter is angry at you. That is part of our wayward adult kids game, it is called triangulating. They will get close to one loved one, someone who is likely to side with them, to manipulate and control another.
I know how this feels. It is an awful thing to go through. I am sorry for your aching mother’s heart.
My daughter has been homeless for years now. She has had opportunities with social workers help to get on her feet, move into a shelter, to no avail. Shelters have rules, and she does not want to follow the rules. Yet, she will complain about being raided by police, having her belongings thrown in the dump truck, having to constantly start all over again. But she won’t do anything to get off the streets, although there is help for her.
I have gone down a few times to plead with her to live differently, to no avail. I have seen boxes of food delivered by churches, sitting out for the homeless in the park. There are soup kitchens and places to go to eat.
This is very very hard to deal with on our own. I hope you have some support, a group, a therapist to help you sort through the grief of it. Please know that you are not alone. Take good care of yourself and build your toolbox. Oftentimes we are weary and sad over the lifestyles of our adult children, it can be very difficult to bear. Having someone to talk with is important. Writing here has helped me tremendously. There is no judgement, just folks who are traveling this journey at different points on the path.
I hope you are able to feel better. I have found that giving my worries, grief and stress to my higher power has helped. When it is too much to bear, I look up and pray for strength and for my daughters to find their way. Yes, they are out there while I have a roof over my head and food. But, it is their choice to live as they do. I also believe that taking care of myself is a way to show by example what I most wish for them. That they love themselves enough to find their true potential.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

You are very supportive, and you are right, it was way more than a village, since he was very little. My daughter was angry because I put myself and my long time boyfriend in harms way and I didn't discuss with- her what I wanted to do (rescue, again)-he is mentally ill and I'm pretty sure he is using at least marijuna. And like you, have given mult times (printed info, highlited) info on where to get help, meals, shelter, showers, help with housing, etc.
He always sees us as the bad guys, never says thank you for anything, he is , I don't think capable at this point to see that he has a problem/needs help. But then why am I expecting normal behavior...…..
My daughter now says she is only going to tell me what is going on with him if it is an Emergency - that I need to be happy, live my life - but , as when she was small, she has this burden? Double guilt. I've tried NAMI group, my dtr says she will go back with me if I want .
I try praying every day for him, I try to read this poem I've got about loving someone from afar / that we can't make people do what they are not ready to do.

I am sorry for you and all these other parents going thru this -