It just never stops

[overcome mom]

I haven't written in a long time. To be honest things with my son and life are just so complicated. I think the last time I wrote he was locked up for using a company credit card and charging 5,000 plus dollars. He was locked up for about 8 months and then placed on probation. He had his probation moved to the state we live in. He was out for about a month then arrested for selling a lot of meth. At this point he was looking at 10 years in prison. The public defender was like all of them that we have encountered, only interested in how he can plead out the case with the least amount of work. Because he was looking at the 10 years, we hired an attorney. She found out the public defender had not even read the police report much less tried to do anything with the case. This was 4 months, two court hearings and after he was locked up. This is why we hired an attorney we just wanted him to get a fair shake.

She was able to help get him into a rehab program while awaiting his trial. We took him to the place, and he did well in the 30-day program. He then was able to get in their sober living house; he got a job in two weeks and was very proud of himself. He was going to all his meetings, meeting with his sponsor and counselor. He had just told me he was so please with himself what he had accomplished in one day that he never could while he was using. He even said after his court date he was going to live there to save money. He was so happy and hopeful, then came the dreaded phone call- he had been kicked out of the program. My heart just broke. I had for once in a very long time let myself hope and dream. I kept telling myself that something was coming but each time I spoke with him he was doing so well. My husband says I am so negative about our son. I tell him realistic but really it is a way to mitigate the pain, the terrible pain I am feeling now. Last night I couldn’t stop crying.

He is now supposed to report to jail, which at this point ,24 hours later, he hasn't done. He has all his clothes and belongings. They kicked him out that night. I asked him if they knew he would go to prison and he said the woman who made the decision said yes and "that is where you belong", What a cold thing to say. My son is very argumentative but not one to be physical. He was the kid who got beat up in school.

On top of all this my husband’s drinking has increased. He is an alcoholic. I am in one of the most depressive states I have been in my 64 years. I have the two people I love most in my life with problems only they can fix. It looks like they aren't going to do it. Their life affects mine- how can I be happy and still care about them and have a relationship with them? If this …. covid thing wasn't going on I would get on a plane and fly to see my brother just to get away, but I am stuck here. I want a new life. I am sorry I haven't responded to other people's post, but I really haven't had many positive thoughts in a while. Thanks for listening.

 

[Deni D]

Overcome Mom, I'm so sorry you are going through this. There is nothing you can do about your son or your husband, I wish there was but you already know you can't. I get it, how hopeful it can be when you think things have changed for someone like your son. There is a period, called the "pink cloud", for people in recovery where all seems like it will be roses and flowers going forward only to have real life hit and a realization that life is just not so. For your son this does not mean he will not pick his life up and move forward in the future, after, during his jail time, it is up to him, not you. Same for your husband, whatever it is, your son, the current world situation, that has caused him to come apart, no matter how much we want to help it's really on him. Of course their lives affect you, they are most important to you. It's like your whole world crashing down on you. How do you separate yourself, your soul, from being crushed? I think, I have, experienced some sort of compartmentalization has to happen. Kind of like coming up with the ability to put them in separate boxes, for your self-preservation, to separate yourself from them, at least for a time. This does not mean to become uncaring, but more to get that we have no control over other people and to accept they have total control over themselves.

I'm wondering why you can't go off to visit your brother, for an extended period of time. I know it takes much more effort these days but to get on a plane with a mask and a face shield might just be the ticket. To set up a quarantine situation with a test could be a good challenge, something maybe you could do and give you a sense of control you need at this time.

Regardless of what you do, I hope you can find a place, a way to get away, for time and space for yourself. Drives in you car, visits to parks to walk around and here, we are here to listen and offer a virtual hug and understanding.

 

[MissLulu]

Dear Overcome mom, I just wanted to reach out and say I see your pain. I’m right there with you. I have no solutions just empathy. I feel the same way much of the time. In the end we can only change ourselves, which I know you already know. Knowing this doesn’t stop us from feeling the pain of our loved ones’ bad decisions. Sending you love and support.

 

[ksm]

I am so sorry that you're going through this. Have you ever gone to Alanon meetings for yourself? Ours were meeting on zoom for a couple months but now we're having face-to-face meetings (Or should I say mask to mask?) outside on a covered patio. We usually have about 8 people, so we are not breaking any covid mandates.

There is a lot of joy at the meetings, hard to believe, but it's true. These are some of the strongest women I have met. It gives me hope when I go to a weekly meeting,

Ksm

 

[RN0441]

I too have felt your pain and wonder why life has to be so hard at times.

The woman probably meant that your son hadn't hit rock bottom yet. Many go to jail and then the light bulb goes on and they realize they DO need to change or that it really is THAT bad.

My son went to many sober livings and got kicked out. I, like you, thought that was the answer but my son was not ready to change even though I was beyond ready.

We cannot change anyone. The pain we feel does not help them OR us. Try to find some joy in the little things in life.

If you think you can remove yourself emotionally by visiting your brother then by all means do it!

Pray if you believe. That always helped me.

 

[overcome mom]

Thanks for all of the support. I know there are many many people going through the same thing.

DeniD -" I think, I have, experienced some sort of compartmentalization has to happen. " That is so true and at times I am able to do that. A long long time ago I use to work with abused children and had to do that then. I have found it so hard to do with my own son. When I know my son is looking at 10 years in prison it so very difficult to not be anxious all the time. I know that the vast majority of the time he is locked up will be such a waste of his life. He might learn a few things but not 10 years of his life worth.
With regards to my husband I must interact with him as we live together and that makes it so tough to ignore and not carry those pissed off feelings to times he is not under the influence.
I will go visit my brother when I feel I can do it safely for both me and his family. He lives in a high risk area and takes care of his wife's 93 year old Grandmother. Also to be honest I hesitate to leave my husband home with the dog as he gets drunk and forgets to walk him. I have told him of my concerns and he says I am being ridiculous.
I just find it so hard to find joy in my life. I am comfortable materially and am so grateful for that but really things are not what is important. As long as I have the basics I am ok. It my relationships that are important.
I can't say enough how nice it is to have the support here.

 

[JMom]

Overcome,

Can you drive or take a bus to your brother's house? If it is in your budget, perhaps a short hotel stay with your phone turned off? I wish I could scoop you up and give you a ride and a big hug. Sometimes a get-a-way sounds heavenly. I do hope you can find some reprieve. Living with an alcoholic is tough business. There's hope that your son will figure it out. There are a lot of ups and downs on the road to recovery. I think you can take every moment of his sobriety as a win. I believe (in my opinion) that with every moment of sobriety, there is a chance for rational, healthy thoughts to thrive. I hope you get time away, please keep us updated.

Love,
JMOM