It's been a week since we heard from difficult child

[Nancy]

Based on what easy child has said to you I would abide by her wishes too. I know my easy child finally had enough of difficult child's antics. Although difficult child acts very pleasant around us now, there was a time easy child didn't want to be anywhere around difficult child.

I don't think telling difficult child you expect her to behave is treating her like a child, and if it is then I guess you get what you deserve. Your difficult child has demonstrated many times that she does not know the appropriate way to behave so apparently she needs to be reminded. It's no different than setting down rules for our difficult child's when they are in our homes and expecting them to follow them and telling them the consequences if they don't. I realize your difficult child is in the sober house but she has only been there a very short time, not nearly enough time to prove she knows how to behave.

In the end Kathy you need to do what you feel is right. Not having difficult child there is going to hurt you more than it hurts her. If she was really following the program she would understand that it is her own actions that have caused this and would not be laying the guilt trip on you.

Nancy

 

[slsh]

I would also abide by easy child's wishes. Hopefully there will soon come a day when you feel more confident in difficult child's ability to be drama-free, and *then* you might override easy child's wishes, but I think it's far too soon, especially given the garage incident. We cling to every forward step our difficult children make, but I think sibs are in some ways a lot more skeptical than we are (and maybe rightly so). Even though thank you's been here for almost 6 months now, and doing unbelievably exceptionally well, I think Diva still is waiting for it all to blow up. I hope someday she feels more certain of easy child-ish behavior from thank you, but... we're not there yet.

 

[DDD]

Do what you feel comfortable doing...and then, return to peaceful living while it lasts! YOU are the best judge of what's best. Oops...you and husband are, lol. Hugs. DDD

 

[DazedandConfused]

Not having difficult child there is going to hurt you more than it hurts her. If she was really following the program she would understand that it is her own actions that have caused this and would not be laying the guilt trip on you.

Nancy

Great point, Nancy.

Someone who is sincerely working their program would understand they have to earn the trust of their family back. It took years of sobriety for my brother to earn our family's trust back. He's been sober eight or nine years now and I saw my Mom take take that final trust step; she financed a clean used car for him. But, not after grilling my sister, who is close to him, and me as to what we thought about it. After being in jail and thieving and drugging for years on the street, the guy got back with his wife (she waited for him!), has held a steady job for years, and is now great father to three daughters (one who is autistic and will never live on her own). It took a long, long, time, and he still regularly attends AA meetings.

 

[Kathy813]

After careful thought and discussion, husband and I have decided to stick with the original plan. It's not like we are cutting difficult child out of Thanksgiving entirely . . . we are just not taking her along to our afternoon visit to our friend's house due to past behavior. We will still meet her later as planned and eat a light supper with her.

By the time we left her yesterday she seemed okay with that. I thought she would say something spiteful and refuse to see us at all but she said that she did want to meet us later in the day. Of course, she laid on the guilt trip about otherwise she would just be staying in bed all day.

I do have to say that she has stopped all the crazy talk about the halfway house and claims to have seen their counselor twice last week and attended a meeting each day. She also didn't argue when I pointed out in the past she had stood us up many holidays after we had changed our plans to accommodate her.

difficult child did say that they had been told they needed to spend time doing sober activities and asked if we would pay for her to go with a friend to see the Picasso exhibit at the High Museum. I told her that I would look into it. When I got home I thought about the $225 that I had just spent and decided that difficult child's time would be better spent looking for a job so she could help with the expenses.

She called today and asked about the ticket and I explained my thinking and she didn't argue and said she was going to the mall tomorrow to start putting in applications.

That's my difficult child . . . going to an art exhibit from a halfway house without a penny to her name and expecting me to pay for it. Even worse . . . I almost did.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

Kathy I think you are making well thought out decisions. I like what she is saying and that she is not getting upset when you say no to something. That was one of the biggest changes we saw in difficult child from her rehab. difficult child had one day a week where they went out as a group to do fun sober activities but they were always either free or very inexpensive activities. They do have to learn how to have sober fun but having her look for a job and understanding she needs to contribute to her support is very important.

I'm glad she accepted your Thanksgiving plans. This will help validate easy child's feelings.

Nancy

 

[klmno]

Seriously? She couldn't find anything less expensive to do where sober people would be? I think I'd said, Hmmm, that's a bit much and I doubt you'll be able to keep up that kind of activity as you become more independent and move forward in recovery- how about a ticket to the movies?

 

[Kathy813]

Good idea, klmno. I think that I will buy her some movie tickets for Christmas. In the meantime, I checked the Picasso exhibit price and it is $18.00. The exhibit is open until April so she will just have to buy herself the ticket with a future paycheck.

Nancy, I do see some good things when I talk with difficult child. However, she has a long, long way to go and I can't and won't let myself be hopeful. I've been disappointed so many times before.

I live by the PE board motto . . . hope for the best, expect the worst.

 

[Nancy]

Kathy I am living by that motto myself also. It's hard to get excited anymore and will take a very long time for me to believe she is really serious.

Nancy

 

[witzend]

Kathy - Just catching up on this. I'm glad that I read all the way through, and glad that you came to the decision that you did. I don't know if there is any right or wrong answer, but I feel very strongly that we know why we do the things that we do, and stick to our decisions unless we have a valid decision to change our minds.

Sometimes we make knee-jerk decisions about seeing/helping/accommodating our kids, and it deserves re-thinking. I don't think that your decision about sharing Thanksgiving with your difficult child was knee-jerk, it was well thought out based on years of experience. There are no right or wrong answers to what we do with the holidays, but "I'd feel guilty if I didn't include difficult child" is probably not the right answer to any of these questions. You have gone way out of your way to have a celebration of the holiday that does include her on your own terms. That's more than many of us could bring ourselves to do.

As to the museum, if difficult child really wants to go, why not go with her? If she wants to go with her friend, you could go along. It might keep her on good behavior and ease the conversation into more socially acceptable areas. My problem with M is that he never contacts us unless there's some grandiose scheme involved. Our conversations always venture into the bizarre. We can't just have a regular conversation with him. It's too stressful for me, and if that makes me a bad parent, then I guess that I'm a bad parent. But I'd like to be able to have a regular conversation with him. I just can't figure out how to have a conversation with him that isn't either 1) alone and bizarre, or 2) with someone else present who is going to be judgmental or try to direct us into "fixing things". I want to move on with my life, and can't go back to the drama. So far we haven't found that yet. M's too manipulative to ever allow that situation.

Oh, well. Enjoy your time with your friend and with your family, and with difficult child at your meal. You have done well, I think. (said the "bad mom". )

 

[Kathy813]

Hi Witz,

You are not a bad mom! I have a hard time having an appropriate enjoyable conversation with my difficult child. I completely understand wanting to move on with your life and leave the drama behind.

I hope you have an enjoyable, peaceful Thanksgiving.

~Kathy