Just a reminder......

[Lil]

I gave them the standard "I have more time on the crapper in D.O.C. than you have IN D.O.C.!!".

Pun intended? Or happy accident?

If I bring it up he will get mad, and deflect all responsibility back to me.

He is like you in terms of how he deals with transgressions. He sets firm and immediate boundaries, upfront, direct and clear.

The issue I am having is that I sometimes experience this as "abusive" but at the same time I love that he is not passive aggressive or petty or weak. I like the clarity which I sometimes experience as harsh and domineering. I like the strength but sometimes feel overpowered.

I do not like it when he rubs it in.

I am confused.

M is the kindest person and best person I have ever known well. I do not think he is either sadistic or cruel. I do not believe he wants to hurt me, although he can say things that do hurt. Does that make sense?

I don't think M is abusive, just a bit bossy.

I left all those quotes together because I think they all work together.

M is bossy. A nice guy, but picky and bossy. You can stand up to a bossy person without escalating the situation.

M doesn't like pets in the bedrooms. Son wants the (cat?) in the bedroom. So you say, "I know you don't like Stella sleeping with you, but Son wants the cat to sleep with him. So I'm going to let her sleep with him unless you see a problem with that."

I gather his problem is that son won't close the closet and he doesn't want Stella in the closet, and doesn't close the windows and he thinks Stella will get out. Both reasonable. So figure out a solution. Lock on the closet door...fine. Frankly, given the heat and the AC running, I'd nail the windows shut!

 

[Copabanana]

Copa, let us work on this together.

Echo, unfortunately or fortunately, I do not know which, our situations are clones. And we have the same division of responsibilities, too.

And it sounds as if your SO, like M, is a good, good man with a good, sweet heart.

I too am messy. I am completely oblivious except I force myself only to look at the lovely gallery wall, smashing color scheme and shelves-full which surround--the mess.

Ladies, I do not know where to start. M arrived home, penitent and loving. My son is avoiding me. I am absolutely spent.

I feel like I just do not want to work anymore. It is the straw that broke this camel's back.

Thank you everybody.

 

[Lil]

 

[Copabanana]

HER PROBLEM

Well, today I went to work. Got through the guard station up front, then entered the prison formally, and got ten minutes in to key control, all the time with my supervisor, when, I had to turn around and leave. Because I had on pale apple green pants and ultra lime green is not allowed *you know that bright color of beach toys.

M had driven me 40 minutes, had driven 40 minutes home--only to have to come back when I called.

This is prison. But in 8 prisons, over a 20 year span I had never been told to leave. I do not take it personally. This is people doing their job (except it is arbitrary and subjective--I saw other people with the color today and had worn it before). But I am re-thinking this whole thing. M is stressed and mad all the time. Could money be worth this?

I did not react or show any emotion. supervisor, and just told the supervisor I am calling M to come and get me. I did not volunteer to return. Two round trips in one day is enough to ask of M.

 

[AppleCori]

Copa,

Are there guidelines on clothing colors? Were you told this beforehand?

Did your supervisor tell you to go change the clothing or someone else?

 

[Jabberwockey]

I had to turn around and leave. Because I had on pale apple green pants and ultra lime green is not allowed

Um???? Why not???? We are discouraged from wearing grey pants (same color as offenders clothing) but they wont send us home for it.

 

[BusynMember]

They COULD have said,"it's okay today, but from now on wear darker colors."

Do what you want to do unless you really need the money. Making you go home seems extreme to me. Of course I never worked in a prison. (And thus is one of two law enforcement careers Jumper is thinking of doing...sheesh)

 

[AppleCori]

Do the offenders wear lime green?

 

[Jabberwockey]

Making you go home seems extreme to me.

If you are even slightly outside of the dress code (and not in the proper clique of course!!) they will send you home to change or shave. They will usually give a directive though. You know, go home, change and come back. You will be burning vacation time for this.

 

[Lil]

You will be burning vacation time for this.

I'd imagine leave without pay since she's so new there's no vacation yet...at least that's what it would be here.

Copa, I'm at a loss. I admit, I thought you were just being thin-skinned over the bathroom thing, but this is kind of nuts. I'm not sure who sent you home, but unless they put the inmates in florescent lime green clothing, it makes no sense to have you go change. Did you tell them you'd worn that before?

It sounds like maybe this job isn't for you. There have to be less stressful jobs you could get closer to home.

 

[Copabanana]

there's no vacation yet

I am a contractor now (retired state) which means I get straight hourly *no vacation or sick leave. There is no obligation on either end. Except they need me more than I need them.

I decided I did not want M to suffer for this. I would rather forfeit the day's pay (or even the job) rather than ask M to drive 3 round trips.

There is a ban on fluorescent lime green, but what I had on was a spring green. (I can really see their point. I want to stress that.) But. All of the officers wear green, but it is olive drab green. Dark green, pea green, any green but the green I had on, it seems (which was not lime or avocado or anything near fluorescent.)

But the thing is, it is a prison. Security trumps everything. I understand how it works. I just have a hard time accepting the arbitrariness of it. After all, how many correctional officers (sergeants) saw me before I was stopped? (A dozen? The front, gate, the entry officers, the gunners did not stop me.) But the lady was doing her job, and that said, in this environment everybody backs up everybody else and I am odd man out.

I get it. The thing is, I may not want it--anymore. I mean, there are easier ways to make money. Who said it? Lil, I think. Why am I doing this? To prove a point to myself, that I am better? When it just makes me sad.

I cried. Twenty years later I can say it: I was never cut out for prison? Who is, really? (I find it astonishing I was never sent home before.)

The memo I got before I started about rules, was out-dated--from the time the prison was a reception center for women!!

M just volunteered that he we could carry a change of clothes in the car and he would wait 15 minutes (in the heat) in case I get sent back out again. I said, No. Wouldn't it just be easier for me to only wear black?

I will not lie. I really, really hate this. Really, really. And I am not sure why. How can somebody change so much? I worked in two of the very toughest prisons in the United States. This place they call Camp Cupcake and Disneyland.

But I agree with you guys. I mean, if a dozen officers (the ones who let me in and stay) did not find anything offending about the color you would think they would have told me do not wear that color again.

 

[Lil]

But I agree with you guys. I mean, if a dozen officers (the ones who let me in and stay) did not find anything offending about the color you would think they would have told me do not wear that color again.

I can understand why none of them would say anything...maybe they didn't think it was their place. I mean, is there a rank difference? Was the woman who sent you home in administration instead of custody? I'm not a supervisor here - I couldn't send someone home if they walked in butt-naked - but my boss and her boss could. Likewise, the head of the clerical can't send home an attorney and the head of litigation can't send home a hearing officer. So most wouldn't say anything at all and just let you by.

It really doesn't matter where you worked years ago. You aren't the same person you were then. I couldn't work in the deli I worked at in college. Why? Because the owner was a (male body part) and I don't have the nature to take that kind of crapola anymore. That you liked it then and don't now doesn't make you a better person or a worse person, just different.

 

[Copabanana]

Lil. You are so healthy. Of course this makes sense:

That you liked it then and don't now doesn't make you a better person or a worse person, just different.

It really doesn't matter where you worked years ago. You aren't the same person you were then.

M agrees with you. He says not to make a big deal (although he sees nothing similar between the banned color and what I wore).

If I can calm down, I think that all of this is making me stronger not weaker, because I have nothing to lose now. I mean, I work as long as they let me in. When they stop letting me work, I stop. It is neutral. Nothing personal. It has nothing to do with my self-worth.

You are right. People change. It is neither here not there.

I can understand why none of them would say anything...maybe they didn't think it was their place. I mean, is there a rank difference? Was the woman who sent you home in administration instead of custody?

No. This is not it. The officers at the front gate, and the entrance are equally mandated to turn people away. The main offending color is blue denim. That is what inmates wear.

But some inmates somewhere must wear fluorescent lime green (which is not what I wore or I would have been turned away by the first dozen officers, but enough of that. The officer that turned me away is paid to do her job as she sees it. Not how I see it. I respect her. It is just that I have become thin-skinned.)

Thank you Lil. For your support. It feels good. I am going to try to read a book (after I first read some more about the Brexit vote.) I will check in later.

 

[Copabanana]

Are there guidelines on clothing colors? Were you told this beforehand?

Did your supervisor tell you to go change the clothing or someone else?

Apple, there were guidelines on clothing colors but the guidelines were from when the prison was a women's reception center and now it is a men's mainline. In other words the wrong guidelines.

And then there is the issue that the color I wore (apple green pants) was not the banned color (fluorescent lime green)/ All of the officers are in green, too, but it is olive drab, like military. Green, itself, is not banned.

The thing is I do not have an issue with their right to turn me away. I understand and accept that it is subjective. That is their job. I accept that when I decide to work in a prison that it is like the military in that--custody decisions and interests override everything.

My issue is me. The thing that had me concerned about returning to work at all. Whether the death of my mother (and my reaction), the problems with my son--all of it--getting older, and more vulnerable, rendered me not as good a match as I once was. I mean, I was never the greatest match but I was very, very effective. And I seemed to be able to do it.

So my concerns are me, emotionally--whether I have the stamina anymore. Whether I am just too vulnerable, that I have become too vulnerable in these 3.5 years away. Or put another way--now that I do not have to do it (I have social security and a pension and more assets than I once did)whether I want to do it. Whether I want to pay the price, or need to pay the price. That is the question.

Because anybody who reads my posts can see I am not the toughest cookie in the world. And now that I am on the down side of this mountain with limited time and energy left to live--do I want to live it this way?

I had decided that I wanted to earn enough money to replace the money I used while I was off--after my mother died. But part of me is feeling that that is self-punishing.

Thank you Apple !! and Jabber !! and SWOT !! *and Lil and everybody. You guys are such a source of support.

 

[Lil]

Well I'm just glad to know that you have the good taste to NOT wear florescent lime green.

 

[AppleCori]

Part of this is that your just getting your "sea legs" on.

Everything is new and different (from the jobs you had before) and you have to get your equilibrium set. This is so normal.

Give it a couple of weeks and you will know all the ropes. Or know whether you want to continue.

I have had to coach my older kids through many jobs, and it is always difficult at first. My daughter has just finished her first year getting all here business clients enrolled in the ACA and she says she has probably made every mistake there is, but there is such a sense of accomplishment, and she knows it will be easier next year (despite the new regulations that are put in place each year).

Every difficult thing we work through just serves to make us stronger.

The fact that you have forged ahead despite obstacles makes you stronger.

You are no longer that person who stayed in bed and hid from life for a while.

Apple

 

[Copabanana]

Apple, will you be my pretend mother, while I still seem to need (and want) one? Every single thing you say, is wise and I agree with you.

Give it a couple of weeks and you will know all the ropes. Or know whether you want to continue.

Well, it has been a couple of weeks, and I do not want to continue but I do not want to stop either.

says she has probably made every mistake there is, but there is such a sense of accomplishment

I have lived my life like this. I have not let myself quit. And this very thing, has made me the person I am.

The only thing I was born with that would have marked me as having potential is my brain. My temperament did not help at all. But I created myself by reaching for more and not allowing myself to quit. Like this:

Every difficult thing we work through just serves to make us stronger.

And this:

The fact that you have forged ahead despite obstacles makes you stronger.

So this is the absolutely most important reason to keep going back:

You are no longer that person who stayed in bed and hid from life for a while.

As long as I go to work, I am no longer the woman who is hiding away from life.

That is the reason to keep going back, until I have earned back the money I have decided to replenish, or they decide to let me go. I can do this.

Thank you, Apple. And everybody.

 

[Lil]

I'm going to give you the same advice I give my kid. Keep this job and on your days off, look for a different one. Then you can quit without feeling like a failure if you like - on your terms.

 

[Copabanana]

Then you can quit without feeling like a failure if you like - on your terms

Thank you Lil for the motherly advice. Actually, I do not think I want to work anymore, except maybe for myself in a private practice or non-profit that M and I would establish. But before I do that I want to get my dancing back and travel some. I do not ever again see myself working in prisons after this.

Thank you lil.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I worked in two of the very toughest prisons in the United States. This place they call Camp Cupcake and Disneyland.

It has been my experience that minimum security camps can be MUCH more petty than maximum security. This is especially true for the offenders but for staff as well.