Just help me understand

[Copabanana]

Dear overcome mom

Your agony sounds just exactly like my own.

Reading your post actually gives me solace to know I am not the only one. There is really no right answer for us. I miss my son so much.

Take care

 

[BusynMember]

I think differently.

Unless the person is schizophrenic, which is psychosis, I do beleve everyone can get good mental health treatment and live a great life I just think some wont do treatment.

I have spoken to many people who knew they had bipolar or depression or anorexia or anxiety and they plain refused to take medications or trust any therapist. Obviously, they were messes.

It is a matter of wanting to get better in my opinion unless the person is out of touch with reality. I know plenty people like ME ...those who are mentally ill but doing great now.

I am also skepical that some people dont know they are mentally ill, unless schizophrenic. I think a lot of people wont admit it to themselves. I have family like this. But they know in the back of their minds. Life is NOT good for MI sister because she never admitted her issues to herself.

 

[MyFriendKita]

Unless the person is schizophrenic, which is psychosis, I do beleve everyone can get good mental health treatment and live a great life I just think some wont do treatment.

Even people who aren't mentally ill can experience psychosis, and all schizophrenics aren't psychotic all the time. And even people who have "physical illnesses" don't always follow doctors' orders and do everything they can to take care of themselves. Then there are the people who try to get help but are misdiagnosed and their conditions are made worse (especially in the mental health field). Why would those people then place their trust in doctors and therapists?

I know plenty people like ME ...those who are mentally ill but doing great now.

That's great for you. But I know plenty who have been in treatment for decades who still aren't any better, or who spent years trying to find the right diagnosis, the right doctor, the right medication. That doesn't mean those people should be blamed for their conditions. Mental illness/mental health isn't a situation where one-size-fits-all. In the end, none of us can make someone get help, and we may decide we can't be a part of our loved one's life because of all the chaos and turmoil, but that doesn't mean we don't still have compassion for them and care deeply about them.

 

[BusynMember]

Yes, yes and yes.

Many people take rotten care of themselves even when they have, say, heart disease. They continue to smoke, eat unhealthy food and dont take their medications. So if they dont get better, those very likely contribute. Same with mental health. If you refuse to comply, you likely wont get better.

There IS the bad doctor factor there are plenty of them and those people who are hard to treat, so good points and I believe we should remain compassionate always toward our loved ones who try very hard and still hurt.

But if somebody is sick and refuse to even try (I am not speaking of those who DO try and still suffer) then of course those who wont comply or try hard will not do as well with any illness. Its almost a given. That doesnt mean we cant or shouldnt feel very sad for them. But they are being their own worst enemies. And that is very sad

Jmo

 

[Copabanana]

It is different with mental illness where the illness itself affects motivation, judgement, distorts thinking, damages self esteem, and colors attitudes towards life itself.

Because i did something applies to me alone. No other person lives exactly the same life as I have.

 

[BusynMember]

Copa, and that is a great reason to get help. But you are right. We all deal with things differently based also on our personalities. Makes sense

 

[Triedntrue]

Your thoughts are so close to my own about providing for him but everything i have done has just backfired. I can't provide rent or cars or that stuff anymore. Not just because of stress in my life but because the money i provide allows him to use his money for booze or other detrimental things.

 

[Littleboylost]

Hi Penny
I’m just catching up on this thread and there some wonderful advice already given her. I will be brief but to the point. Collect an entire set of posterior statements that support you in your plate and situation. And every time we see one that opposes makes you feel guilty about your situation get out your phone and pull up your back ups. There’s no meme on Facebook or any other social media for that matter that can identify with the struggles that we here in July. We are not in the range of normal. There is an a single individual here who I have met who isn’t kind a good and decent, that’s why were all here because we are kind good and decent people travelled with our children for one reason or another.

Whether we are dealing with mental health, drug addiction or both combined the struggle is so very very eeal for all of us. The FOG fear obligation and guilt isn’t that what derives from a good parents heart, we fear for our children we are obligated to support them through their difficult times and when we aren’t able to do this with a positive outcome here comes the guilt trained fully loaded and on the fast track. When we were heavily burdened with the FOG our family therapist assigned a movie for us to go see it was called The Glass Castle, Once we had seen the movie and went back to her therapist and we recognized very much so the good people can raise difficult children just as much is really bad people can raise amazing children. Ultimately her therapist pointed out to us that we are very smug as parents to think that we have any control over how our children process and come through this world and behave. She stated the Example of multiple siblings so many are so vastly different yet raised by the same parents in the same environment in the same way. And a very polite way my dearest Penney get over this guilt. It’s not you. You love your son. Those things are incredibly obvious.
Example of multiple siblings so many are so vastly different yet raised by the same parents in the same environment in the same way. And a very polite way my dearest Penney get over this guilt. It’s not you. You love your son. Those things are incredibly obvious.
Not being able to fix what is broken with our children is the hardest and I mean the hardest thing to process and live through. But live through it we do and we must find the Kerge somewhere deep within our soul to move our lives and the rest of our children’s livesForward in a positive healthy fashion. That said my son is my only child. It has been hard for me to find a healthy way to manage through this situation and to shed the fear of the obligation of the guilt. Some days I’m better at it than others.
About the enabling we are not perfect the world is not perfect there have been so many times I have set solid boundaries and completely in at Hurley field to keep them in place. I will say my tired but true line we all can only do what our heart can manage to endure.
Hang in there hope with no expectations as a challenge but it can be done. Keep coming back we’re all here for you.

 

[Beta]

Wow, I've read through every post on the first page, and once again, I can hear the same thoughts and emotions I have over and over. The same false guilt, fear, anger, false hope of "maybe if I just say this...do this...try this..., the daydream of being rich so I could "fix" things for our adopted son and take care of him...the "if onlys" and the re-playing the tape of our lives backward, trying to figure out where and why things went off track...feeling stupid and guilty for not realizing sooner what was wrong...the grief of losing a child to mental illness because they have estranged themselves from us...the fear of never seeing him again...watching other people's kids the same age move forward in life and have normal lives, while our son isolates himself in another city and squanders his life...trying to figure out the "boundaries" of this whole thing...and bouncing back and forth from one day to the next between resolve to not allow him to destroy me and my husband and wanting to run after him and rescue him. Not to mention trying to maintain my joy in God and in life while still grieving our son. I've wondered over and over how something so wonderful (our adoption of a beautiful baby boy) who was such a joy to us could turn into something so painful and wrenching, and why God has allowed that. I've come to think that our adoption of our son was God's grace in his life, to give him a chance, in spite of his family genetics, to have a good start in life in order to make it more likely that he would make the right choices. I think he would have been far worse if he had grown up in his family of origin. We at least gave him a good foundation. I have to keep telling myself this. I also realize that although God can intervene and he can change, he may never change, and we may live the rest of our lives with this grief. That's the price we pay for God's grace in his life. That's really hard to think about. This website has helped me so much. I appreciate the vulnerability and open way so many of you share and the wisdom you share. I read and re-read posts and it never fails to help me. Just wanted to share my thoughts, because that too helps.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

I've been crazy busy at work (which isn't really a bad thing for me) and just now going through all these posts.

For me, and for what I've seen on these boards- we DO all love our kids. That's what is so so hard about this. We love them and sometimes that means to love them enough to let them be who they are. I repeat the mantra on the bad days: "it's not me, it's not me" "he chooses, he's grown, he knows right from wrong, he chooses".

In all honesty, if it weren't for my grandbaby, I'm not sure I would have ANYTHING to do with him. I have a brother that's just like my son and I ONLY tolerate his presence at Thanksgiving and Christmas for my mother's sake.

the other thing about the grandbaby- his custodial parent is his mother and she has gotten so much better in the three years we've been doing this- and realizing that *I* am not the enemy here. She's so influenced at times by my son though. They aren't together anymore, but sometimes I suspect she likes the 'bad boy' in him - I keep praying for safety and well-being for my grandson, and hold out hope that just like was said above- good parents have kids who are like this, and not so good parents can still have some great kids.

For work opportunities that will help with retirement- I want to move. Only about 100 miles away, but man I'm really considering it. But it scares me to death.

/sigh. Thanks to you all. this has been just what I needed today.