Just musing: Whom do you tell? Friends? Family? No one?

[Malika]

If your child is suffering from mental illness or something else, it's not your fault, so why on earth would you be ashamed? And in my opinion people tend to pick up signals from you and gear their reactions accordingly. So if you're keeping to yourself, secretive, and looking guilty.......they're going to think the worse automatically. They'll read it in your body language subconsciously. But if you talk about it as if it's just like having cancer or some such.....then usually the conversation takes a different spin. (not always, there are judgmental ignorant jerks everywhere)

I do agree with this. On the other hand, getting to this state of openness and "shamelessness" is, like all things, a process. You can get there bit by bit rather than feeling you have to take breathtaking, terrifying leaps into complete disclosure. In the end, though, people welcome honesty and authenticity - and I am quite sure your friends with their supposedly perfect children have fears and concerns regarding them that they would be able to air if you were more forthcoming yourself. Life is difficult and no one's (real) life is free from suffering or challenge. Or if it is then it is unbearably superficial and of little interest, surely?

Just my take on it.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I am a complete open book. Always have been, really. I couldn't care less what other people think of me. They have not walked an inch in my shoes. I have been able to help several other parents out there that had no one to talk to and to me, that is worth all the judgements in the world!!

And this board?? This board has been like striking gold!!! What an incredible collection of awesome parents we have here.... <3

 

[jbrain]

I'm with Hound on this one. My dtr didn't have mental illness problems (though at the time we weren't sure what the heck was wrong with her) but she was into drugs, into trouble in school, etc. I was very open about it--I didn't feel ashamed and just told it like it was without taking on any guilt or shame. Most people were sympathetic and often had stories of their own. And I didn't care if they talked behind my back because how would I know if they were and who cares?
Jane

 

[DammitJanet]

I was also going to say that this question comes up rather often. I am more like Lisa. Pretty darned open. My kids tended to force me to be because they were so out there and in your face with their issues. Jamie was hype...no doubt about it. Cory was like an overgrown puppy as a child...all over the place, hanging on everything, giggling and laughing and running around. Getting in trouble at school....you name it. I think he could have been Marley the dog. As a elementary school kid. As a teen he was harder. But still...small town...everyone knew us.

However, still, we get asked by people who knew the boys when they were younger and oddly enough, they dont seem to have horrible memories of Cory at all...lol. I ran into one of his principals not long ago and he just talked and talked about how fondly he remembered the boys.

Normally I tend to use the simple phrases for most people because they are just wanting quick answers. My oldest is still at home working in retail, Jamie went into the Marines, got out and is now working for the sheriffs dept in VA, married with 2 kids...happy!, Cory is still Cory but doing pretty well now and has one 5 year old daughter we adore and one on the way. Easy peasy.

 

[Fran]

Signorina, the attitude of us parents evolves with time. I share superficially what I feel comfortable with but I don't lie. No way is my son going to be in the closet. I fool no one anyhow. When things were ugly, I kept responses short and sweet. Friends know you are suffering.
Interestingly enough, the friends who knew difficult child all his life and we had kids all about the same age, while not necessarily agreeing with my approach continue to love my difficult child and congratulate him on his successes. Just as I revel in their children's success. One is going to medication school, one is getting married soon, many are pretty successful but none worked as hard to have a life as my son. I have to honor his struggle.
I do not give the day to day stresses with anyone but husband and sometimes my siblings. No one really wants to know the day to day pain. Sort of like listening to someone who has just started the divorce proceedings. The details are painful emotionally and not all of it needs to be shared. No one really wants to know the intimate details of any families struggle.
Get comfortable with the fact that your difficult child is struggling and you are working hard to be the best parent you can be. The more comfortable you are with the fact that you have a difficult child and not a perfect child, the more comfortable everyone else will be.

 

[Blondiesbf]

I have been honest with those closest to me. Some more than others...depending. Anyway, when difficult child went missing for several hours back in August, my biological family reached out to me. Of course offered advise. But also a shoulder. Being we never had a close relationship since being reunited 12 years ago, I was touched.

Provided two updates via Facebook. One was about difficult child's DUI. The second was to let them know difficult child was kicked out. They didn't really respond until I mentioned the crickets. All of sudden, it became a matter of me not doing enough to help my son and why haven't I tried everything??? They went so far as to criticize me for volunteering and continuing on with my life. And, they stated I was making this about me because I expressed my own hurt to them.

This happened the other day and I'm still in a tailspin over it...feeling really bad like the day I told difficult child to get out of the house...just wanting to cry. Now I feel like I shouldn't have a life. Like I should mope and figure out how to fix my son! Granted, I know better, but holy cow...I discovered family is not always the best and you can't count on your family to support you...which was all I wanted. If I could fix this, it would already be done!!! I feel judged by them in such a bad way.

I will always judge myself. I will listen to the opinions of others as there may be something of worth that I haven't thought of yet. But shoot...not sure I'm willing to continue with people who I didn't have all my life anyway. Sigh.

Today, I'm just having a day I wish I could make my difficult child better...and frustrated I can't!

 

[Nomad]

I'm sorry Blondie...it can get so confusing and emotionally draining.
What you said reminded me of why I am careful who I tell. There are a few people whom I tell the complete truth to. (But even thse folks I leave out stuff... 'cause it could drain ANYONE)
They have known me and difficult child a long time and know what heartache/difficulties/emotional pain surround the situation. They are also good, understanding and kind people.
Others, I just tell on a need to know basis AND superficially and (like Fran said) I do not lie. I am careful with what I say and if an opportunity presents itself, I might mention a positive trait or two of difficult child.
It took a looooooong time, but I have detached and by and large do not overly concern myself with what difficult child is doing these days or what people think about the situation. Lord knows, I have gone above and beyond to help her with her gfgness.
I see some teeeny tiny improvements, but she is an adult and it is up to her to move forward.Of course, I hope for the best. Life moves forward and you can be dxxx sure I am enjoying it as best as humanely possible!!!!

 

[witzend]

I am not sure how long I can hang on to the "yes, he's back at school, I am sure he is doing fine" facade.

It's been 7 years and I'm still holding on to that for many many people. Somehow I know who I can tell and who I can't. I didn't tell anyone for years. I think it's easier for people to digest when they don't really know us, and we go over it bit by bit. "He's sleeping on a friend's couch." "He's sleeping on my parent's couch." "He's sleeping on husband's couch." "He got fired." "He got fired." "He got fired." "He got fired." They kind of figure it out eventually.

Now that he is older, and we and our friends are older, they seem to understand when we say "He was in therapy from the time he was 7 years old, and he won't accept help." If they still don't get it, they do when I tell them "He left home when he was arrested for assaulting his father." It's not fun, but it's what it is. I think we probably didn't do ourselves any favors by hiding it for all of those years. I'm sure people knew something was wrong and thought we were ignoring it. I KNOW that many people thought we were doing the wrong thing and if we'd only try this or that. But there comes a time when everyone knows a very nice person or a very nice couple who has a grown kid who is chronically unemployed and lives here and there. They get less judgmental about it as your difficult child gets older. They understand that everyone is autonomous.

But there are still people who get the standard, "He's between jobs." "He's working at a restaurant on the other side of town." "He's helping out with his grandma." It's just none of their business if they can't be supportive.

 

[trinityroyal]

I tend to be as open as I need to be, depending on the context and whom I'm speaking to. I also try to keep it brief and simple.

"He's autistic" or "He has Asperger's" seems to be enough information for people to understand why difficult child's behaviour is more than a bit off. I tend not to provide information about his mood disorders or other co-morbidities except to the support staff he works with or others with whom he's in daily contact, because they need to have a deeper understanding of what makes him tick.

Regardless of what I tell people, I don't have any shame or embarrassment about it. People seem to pick up on it when you're not feeling comfortable with your own situation, and sometimes see it as an opportunity to be critical and hurtful. I try not to give them the chance, and don't take it on when they do. Usually "Thanks for your input" shuts down those conversations before they really get started.

 

[Signorina]

wOw. The responses here have been so wise and well thought out and I have appreciated every single one. I am still mostly "in the closet" about difficult children situation -- "yes he's back at school, no I don't hear much from him, you know how boys are" etc. But I have been less of a hermit lately and those sentences are rolling off of the tongue easier each time.

I did tell a close friend who has her own difficult child and we are getting together to talk over a meal soon.

I comments about shamefulness etc hit a bit of a nerve. My son is a being a complete jerk out of selfishness, basically. He doesn't want to be told how to live his life and he doesn't need us. Could he be an addict? I am not sure. But there is no underlying disability to explain his behavior at this time. I am ashamed of him; I am ashamed of what he is doing, who he is doing it with and the utter disdain he has shown to his father and me. I am aghast that he told his little brothers that he smokes and drinks and that "it's no big deal." I have no idea where or when he lost the morals we thought were ingrained in him. So, while the shame should be his to bear, it is mine for now. And I am sure I will let it go eventually, but not quite yet. Still too new and still too raw.

And I guess that's the difference. When he was found to be experimenting when he was 16, I told everyone. Because I wanted the eyes of the community upon him. I needed my fellow "football moms" to know that this partying was not OK with us and that they should not "look the other way" if they became privy to his (or my other kids') misbehavior. That's the fine line we all walk as parents - we hear of a teenager's risky behavior and wonder how much the parents know and if we should gab or not. I am always amazed at the parents who think reckless driving, or petty vandalism, or smoking weed and/or drinking are NO BIG DEAL even in HS and then shoot the messenger. But that's a whole other topic.

So, I think I will just ease into it. I guess my biggest fear is how it would reflect on my younger sons - 14 and 17. TBH, they are having a bit of a rough time, C is a wide-eyed freshman like a deer in headlights, and M is a senior trying to be the complete opposite of his older brother. I think their friend's parents could be concerned about letting their own kid hang out here if they knew my eldest was using/dealing/whatever weed. And frankly, it's a valid concern as a parent. I know difficult child was introduced to it by his friend's older brother. And that difficult child was partying all summer at his girlfriend's house and she has an older sister (23) who was likely buying the booze they were drinking. I am guessing she is a bit of a smoker as well.

Part of my reticence is that I also wrote an email to difficult child's girlfriend's mother -- the night he left. Very similar to my original post on this forum. She and her husband live down the street and I thought we were (good) friends. I know difficult child headed there when he left and he used their vehicles to move his stuff. I spilled my guts to her, apologized for putting them in the middle, wanting them to know that we love difficult child, we did not kick him out, and that we were very worried about his behavior and that I was heartbroken. I never heard back from her. A few days later, her H posted a random "like" on my FB page, so I took the opportunity to send him a similar message (thru FB). He ignored it too. Twice burned, thrice shy. While I understand them not wanting to get involved, even a quick "thinking of you" would've made all the difference to me. Since then, I've found dozens of pictures and references (online) to the kids' parties at their house over the summer.

So, I am rambling again. Please don't mistake my admitted shame as a judgment on anyone else but myself. And since I am being honest, I will admit that a big part of me wants to think that difficult child will magically come to his senses soon and return home and I would like to keep his reputation intact until then. Yes, I watch too many movies with happy endings. And I know I am embarking on what will likely be a long journey...but I can hope. He's 4 hours away, and the constant wondering and worrying needs a dash of hope once in a while.

Thanks for your guidance, companionship and especially your kindness on this journey!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sometimes they do come to their senses.... and return... but not necessarily "soon".
My Bro was like that... and we worried for years.
But he did manage to not destroy himself in the process, and eventually "grew up".
{{hugs}}