There was a time for me when I was so shaken and weak over what was happening that I could not get my feet under me. Everywhere I looked, whatever we had done to make things better had resulted in an even more horrible consequence than we had been able to imagine and take measures against. I would fall into a bad place where I felt responsible.
But I knew I wasn't.
But I felt I was.
But I knew I wasn't.
I kept circling, circling around those thoughts and I could not find my way out.
I could understand intellectually that I had no control over how difficult child handled those things that, for another person, would have meant successful recovery. But I still found my thoughts fixating, circling around the awfulness of what had happened, and about my own part in setting up the possibility for what had happened.
Recovering described that panicky, circling feeling
as the FOG.
What Recovering posted to me was that, while I had no control over what difficult child did, I did have control over how I responded. I thought I already knew that, but then, I seemed to get it on some deeper level. It wasn't about how I responded to difficult child, it was about taking control of myself, of my own emotions, in regard to the awful things that were happening to and for difficult child.
Viktor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning describes this necessity perfectly. I had read him years ago and I thought I knew what I was doing.
But I didn't.
Not when it came to my kids, I didn't. Pain in their voices can pop me straight into hell.
It was such a little thing JKF, to see it like that, but it made all the difference in the world for me, and for husband, too.
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Things that helped me:
It was helpful to be able to name that circling, fixating feeling: FOG
Then, I knew where I was.
It helped to remind myself to have mental discipline. That phrase, mental discipline, could key me for the second phase: I knew where I wanted to be mentally and emotionally. Even if I was a million miles from that calm, centered place I wanted to be, I was able to see it through reminding myself of that phrase "mental discipline" and work myself toward it.
The key is to plan ahead.
That will keep you out of what Recovering called the FOG ~ that kind of scary, alternate reality place we get popped into when something bad happens, or when the kids threaten us with bad things that have happened or that might happen.
difficult child daughter may have been doing this to me, popping me into that place, on purpose. I still don't like to admit that could be true.
Here is an example.
I don't remember now what the conversation was about, but I had said no to something. Quick as a wink, difficult child daughter posted (we were private messaging on FB) pictures taken in the hospital after the beating.
There was no warning.
BOOM
Those pictures popped me into that FOG place.
It was Recovering who pointed out to me that difficult child may have done that on purpose, to weaken and confuse me.
I am thinking about your son's threats of suicide. That would flip me over into that bad, circling place.
The only thing I took away from all that is that, because I would not (so far as I know) have handled things the way my difficult child did, I could not have prepared for any of the things that happened. Because I knew that, I was able to know that I could never anticipate or help her avoid these left field things she was determined to do in future, either.
So I got what we mean when we say we have no control over anything. Once I really got that piece (and remember that I thought I knew that piece long ago, but I didn't, not really), once I did see the truth that, no matter how hard I thought about it or what sacrifices of time, money, effort, head room, I made, I could not protect difficult child...that is when I finally gave myself the blessed grace (and I do mean blessed grace) of protecting myself.
I could learn to control my reactions to what my difficult child presented.
That much, I can do.
It is still hard. I still have to think my way through it. But knowing to name the FOG, and knowing so clearly in my mind and in my heart how it is I want myself to look and feel coming through this, I can carefully take myself from panic to upright person who loves an adult child determined to go a wrong way.
Now, we are having to decide some of the same kinds of things where difficult child's adult or soon to be adult, children are concerned. It is hard to let go of being Grandma and Grandpa. It is such a hard thing to choose to protect what we have instead of choosing total commitment to helping our grandchildren.
But I am 62. husband is 68. One grand is 21. One is 15.
And we have four others.
So, we have to figure this out in some way where it is love and kindness that triumph, not isolation or cowardice or despair.
For those of us not in this position? I hope you never know what I am talking about.
I'm sorry this is so hard, so scary and shaky and horrible, JKF.
With the help of the Board, I was able to figure out how to begin. You will, too.
I am glad you have work to go to. I worked too, through the worst of it. I could get my mind functioning in another direction when I was working.
Cedar
