Kicking 18 year old stepson out

[Concernedstepmom]

I’m so upset and confused. I’m mad, sad, frustrated and exhausted. I have two step sons that live with us full time for the last four years. I also have a three year old and a 2 month old. I want nothing more than for us to all be able to get along and feel safe and comfortable in our home. Our 18 year old still kind of in high school has been doing on a very quick downward spiral the last year. He always was so good independent got decent grades and was respectful. However over the last year he has started to get very disrespectful towards my husband and I he refuses to follow our rules. Has shown us some major anger issues that has resulted with me being very uncomfortable with him around his sisters. It all started about a year ago when he started smoking pot and drinking grades were slipping he would always just tell us he had it under control and never really discuss it with us. He totaled his car as a hit and run(ran over a speed limit sign) with provisional license with a car packed full of minors while he was under the influence. We are so grateful no one was hurt. All he got was a $500 fine so he thinks it’s a funny story now. Since then has gotten a ticket a month speeding parking running red lights ect. He works and we made him pay for his own car but lost his last job for stealing. Now has a new job and is working part time and showing up to school when he wants to. Is supposed to graduate but refuses to go to class. He got no reason pulled a stick out of his 2.5 year old sisters hand which left a huge splinter with a bunch of bloody scrapes and little splinters in her hands and just said that probably hurt you should probably check her hands with no remorse. Just a she deserved it attitude. Another time came home in a crazy mood all over the place said he needed help. We immediately got him signed up for an inpatient program but since he is 18 he decided he didn’t like it the next day and had them check him out since he only felt that way since he was coming down off of Molly. We sat down and told him the rules after that Home by 10 on school night stay out one weekend night and be home by 12 other weekend nights and pass drug tests to live at our house and don’t bring drugs in our house and if he couldn’t do that he had to leave. First time late he lied we caught him out for a night. The next week he came home late snuck his girlfriend in smoked pot and cigarettes in our house. Kicked him out for a week. He care back and two weekend later we find out he hasn’t been going to school he came home late since he found out we wouldn’t be home and bailed on school again that next morning. We confronted him about everything and it turned into a huge argument I told him he was being selfish and he flipped me off said f*ck you you don’t know how to be a parent we told him to get out and packed his stuff and set it outside for him to come get. As angry as I am, I’m still so sad. I just feel so guilty I don’t know what else we could have done we have no control and I need a safe place for ourr other kids. I know this is long and it’s not even half of it. Anyone else having issues any other things you have tried?

 

[New Leaf]

Hi CSMom and welcome to CD. I am so sorry for all the troubles that have brought you here.
It is an all too familiar story to me and many others. The personality changes, weed and alcohol and God only knows what else. Sneaking around, refusing to follow rules, disrespectful. It is harder when there are littles involved, watching and learning.
How can anyone continue to live with it?
Your house, your rules.
I had my daughter leave at 18, very similar circumstances. She was working, but partying and staying out all night, sleeping most of the day when she was off. Smoking pot and drinking. She was moody and sullen at home around family.
It just kept getting worse.
Like we were a hotel.
She didn’t want to follow house rules.
So, out she went.
I don’t like to call it “kicked out” because if she followed rules and helped around, acted like part of the family, she was welcome to stay. She made choices that made it impossible for her to continue living with us.
It is hard when our kids grow up and go off the rails. You didn’t cause it, can’t control it or change it. Most of us went through a time wrestling with guilt and blaming ourselves, but the reality is that people make choices.
It doesn’t mean that your son will be like this forever, but for now, it is too much for your household.
There are programs available, but he has to recognize there is a problem. I am sorry for your heartache and how difficult this is. You are doing the right thing in protecting your home and your littles.
What you can do is get help for you. Al anon or naranon groups, counseling, reading up on addiction and how it effects families. All these things help to get your strength back and focus on what you can control. It is important to take very good care of yourself and be mindful of your feelings and health. The stress and anxiety dealing with this is extremely hard.
Do take care and let us know how you are doing.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Wish]

Welcome Csm, you are absolutely right to be feeling how you are feeling. In my opinion, he shouldn't be driving much less have a car. To have that kind of a driving record so young is pretty scary and I know I wouldn't me or my loved ones driving on the same road with someone like that and I agree with you on the rest as well, especially when it concerns your younger ones. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's not ok what he's doing. What does your husband say about all of this?

 

[Mumunderfire]

I’m so upset and confused. I’m mad, sad, frustrated and exhausted. I have two step sons that live with us full time for the last four years. I also have a three year old and a 2 month old. I want nothing more than for us to all be able to get along and feel safe and comfortable in our home. Our 18 year old still kind of in high school has been doing on a very quick downward spiral the last year. He always was so good independent got decent grades and was respectful. However over the last year he has started to get very disrespectful towards my husband and I he refuses to follow our rules. Has shown us some major anger issues that has resulted with me being very uncomfortable with him around his sisters. It all started about a year ago when he started smoking pot and drinking grades were slipping he would always just tell us he had it under control and never really discuss it with us. He totaled his car as a hit and run(ran over a speed limit sign) with provisional license with a car packed full of minors while he was under the influence. We are so grateful no one was hurt. All he got was a $500 fine so he thinks it’s a funny story now. Since then has gotten a ticket a month speeding parking running red lights ect. He works and we made him pay for his own car but lost his last job for stealing. Now has a new job and is working part time and showing up to school when he wants to. Is supposed to graduate but refuses to go to class. He got no reason pulled a stick out of his 2.5 year old sisters hand which left a huge splinter with a bunch of bloody scrapes and little splinters in her hands and just said that probably hurt you should probably check her hands with no remorse. Just a she deserved it attitude. Another time came home in a crazy mood all over the place said he needed help. We immediately got him signed up for an inpatient program but since he is 18 he decided he didn’t like it the next day and had them check him out since he only felt that way since he was coming down off of Molly. We sat down and told him the rules after that Home by 10 on school night stay out one weekend night and be home by 12 other weekend nights and pass drug tests to live at our house and don’t bring drugs in our house and if he couldn’t do that he had to leave. First time late he lied we caught him out for a night. The next week he came home late snuck his girlfriend in smoked pot and cigarettes in our house. Kicked him out for a week. He care back and two weekend later we find out he hasn’t been going to school he came home late since he found out we wouldn’t be home and bailed on school again that next morning. We confronted him about everything and it turned into a huge argument I told him he was being selfish and he flipped me off said f*ck you you don’t know how to be a parent we told him to get out and packed his stuff and set it outside for him to come get. As angry as I am, I’m still so sad. I just feel so guilty I don’t know what else we could have done we have no control and I need a safe place for ourr other kids. I know this is long and it’s not even half of it. Anyone else having issues any other things you have tried?

Hi sorry you are in such a stressful situation. I am not in a position to go e advice because my own son takes absolutely no notice of any of my attempts to control him but because he is 16 I have not resorted to kicking him out. At 18 this is a reasonable option. 17 seems quite late to become an angry teen. Has anything triggered it? What was he like before the pot and alcohol started? Is his mum around?

 

[pasajes4]

He is 18 and has the right to refuse treatment. He is also old enough to face adult charges for breaking the law. I personally think that allowing him to continue living in your sanctuary and harming your minor children is reasonable grounds for not allowing him to continue getting a free ride in your home. If the car is in your name, any damages can fall on your shoulders. I would take the car back. If he wants help, there is help avilable. He will have to initiate it due to his legal status. You have to protect yourself and others from his actions.

Your setting him free to pursue his own destiny sends him a clear message that you are serious about what you will and will not tolerate. His admission that he has used molly is an admission that his drug use goes above just smoking weed. You cannot permitt this person around your younger kids. You could be held legally responsible if something were to happen knowing that he becomes unstable while under the influense, You could lose custody of your children and lose your home. I wish you peace and love.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi CSM, Welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm glad you found us but sorry you had to.

Your story is a common one. So many times our young adults start to stretch their wings by trying drugs and alcohol. While your stepson is 18 and a legal adult he lacks maturity.

I think you did the best thing you could by "liberating him" from your home. As for his comment that you don't know how to be a parent, well let's just say that's not the first time that statement has been made by a difficult adult child. It's very common for these "adult kids" to blame us the parents. It's much easier to transfer their anger to us. It's much easier for them to blame us than to accept the reality that they have made poor choices.

You are putting the safety of your home and younger children first as it should be.

Be prepared for him to lash out even more, or the opposite, to be apologetic and remorseful. These can be manipulation tactics. When our difficult adult children feel desperate they will sometimes try and guilt us or manipulate us into "helping" them.

Clear boundaries are what have saved so many of us here from getting sucked back into their vortex of chaos.

((HUGS))