Last night he said "no contact." He called this morning.

[Copabanana]

Will it buy YOU peace of mind ?

PASA, I missed you. I hope you are well.

The thing is, it will buy me peace of mind for a day, two days, max.

The other thing is, that my son is so unable to tolerate me, speaking to me or hearing my voice, that he has not stayed on the phone long enough to hear what I have to say. Either yes or no.

I guess this is partly my own fault because I did not want to listen to his crazy and manipulative garbage (tell us, Copa, how you really feel, why don't you....)

I do not believe he wants a ticket. I think he wants money.

I would only buy the ticket if first he put his own money into my hand. I would consider that. Maybe.

But if he will not listen to me (by this I mean he will not tolerate my spoken voice....even), how can I accede, even?

Right now, the only word my son allows me to speak is YES. Not even, yes, please.

I would have to go to where he is living and as if beg him to let me help him. Unless he calls again.

How ever much I may want to do this, how could it be a good thing for him or I...It is like we are in some degrading dance of mother-child love.

Or in the last throws of a relationship gone horribly wrong. One of us is on the street with their clothes and belongings strewn all around them, the other shivering and trembling behind the front door, not knowing what to do next.

I cannot figure out whether I am the one on the street or by the door or both. But I hope the police come soon.

Can you verify through this father that he can stay there?

That is just brilliant PASA. A Sherlock moment. I will look for the phone number and hope I find it.

For now I will do nothing. Now that I have calmed down I do not want to hunt my son to be degraded by him, just to buy the stupid ticket. When he should have about $900 of SSI money in his pocket and did not care one bit about getting a duplicate State ID. The same ID he needs to travel on the train.

Thank you very much, all. I am grateful.

 

[Lil]

You're right Copa...you would not get peace for long. We didn't. In fact, mine is texting me tonight, telling me he hasn't been able to find a way to get to the ER in order to get a note to be able to go back to work. He told me tonight a regular doctor would take like 5 days and he's getting points for missing work, so he's going to be terminated from the only job around. Apparently whereever he lives is too far from town to even walk. Given what I know about the general area, that may be true. But when I told him my only idea would be to call his grandmother, though I didn't know what she's say, his response was that they'd never be able to find where he lives.

If he was that desperate, he'd call her.

So what does he want? Me to say, "I'll come take you?" He lives 2 hours away.

Him going away from us didn't stop the drama. It just changed it to a different drama.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Him going away from us didn't stop the drama. It just changed it to a different drama.

Lil... the biggest difference is that there is physical space involved. It's not "in your face", and you can take time to reply... or not. You are more in control of your responses now. It doesn't change HIS drama much.

 

[Lil]

Lil... the biggest difference is that there is physical space involved.

Yes, I understand. All I'm saying is distance alone doesn't bring peace.

When he should have about $900 of SSI money in his pocket and did not care one bit about getting a duplicate State ID. The same ID he needs to travel on the train.

Under these circumstances...absolutely don't buy a ticket! He can get to the license bureau or whoever issues ID's in your state and get a new one and then go get his ticket. He's got the money and the ability.

 

[Copabanana]

He told me tonight a regular doctor would take like 5 days and he's getting points for missing work

Lil, just like my son, yours has it all set up in his head that he bears no responsibility. He is a victim of circumstance. Or done in by a lack of support or help.

If my mean old Mom had only bought me the ticket. It's my money after all.

If my Mom had only taken me to the doctor.

None of this is my fault. I am just the innocent victim in all of this. I tried to do everything right. All I needed was a hand.

 

[SeekingStrength]

And, isn't this the truth? My 34 Difficult Child blames his dad and me for everything bad in his life. When he messes up with the next enabler (the one who is my new family, they get me, they love me), his choices revert back to being our fault.

Our youngest is 25yo. In many ways, he is an innocent and messes up here and there with immature decisions that have cost him. He would never ever blame his parents for what happens. In my wildest imagination, I cannot see this son doing that. He knows this stuff happens because of his choices and he does better next time. He has a lot to learn about this big world, but he is definitely making progress. Because, he takes total responsibility for his life.

So simple and yet, so huge.

SS

 

[in a daze]

The counselor told the parents: When they are clean, your children are shamed by their behaviors and grateful for your love. When they begin using again ~ using anything, even just a little ~ they spit hatred at the people who love and are trying to save them.

Completely agree. My son is a much nicer person. Polite, respectful, says thank you, and gets along with his father now. So different from 2 and a half years ago, when he was using.

 

[Seeking Peace]

Gosh, it's so hard. I see it as peace of mind, and enabling. Will he actually stay there and really work? I know my daughter wouldn't and it'd be throwing money out the window.

If he will, and you do, you don't have to give him the cash direct. You could just purchase ticket. And I think a greyhound ticket is more than enough...not sure on ID though.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Lil, just like my son, yours has it all set up in his head that he bears no responsibility. He is a victim of circumstance. Or done in by a lack of support or help.

If my mean old Mom had only bought me the ticket. It's my money after all.

If my Mom had only taken me to the doctor.

"And just what is up with that F*ing BROCCOLI?!?"

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

Completely agree. My son is a much nicer person. Polite, respectful, says thank you, and gets along with his father now. So different from 2 and a half years ago, when he was using.

IAD, so happy for you and your son and it is SO TRUE.

My daughter never told me one thing that was true when she was using. She would stare me straight in the eyes, cry, and lie. Now that she has been clean for so long, I know that was never her. She doesn't lie. I actually never catch her in a lie. She is a good-hearted, honest person trying to do this life the right way.

Remember the old commercial" This is your brain?" (picture of a brain.)
"This is your brain on drugs." (Some bubbling scrambled eggs)

It's true. It's so, so true.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

What have you decided, Copa?

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

None of this is my fault. I am just the innocent victim in all of this. I tried to do everything right. All I needed was a hand.

But you did give a hand. Many hands. Many chances. He didn't take those hands to pull himself up. If he means by a hand that you should be throwing money at him and supporting him that is not giving him a hand up. That is enabling him.
He had free room and board at a hotel and blew it.
He is not ready, for whatever reason, to accept the help he is getting and use it constructively.

Please...don't let this make you feel guilty. There is not much else you could have done...you and others as well. Honestly, I feel so bad for you I'm ready to tell you to send him to me so that maybe he can settle here and get a job and we won't be so emotional, but, of course, that's my codependency talking and I know I couldn't fare any better. It has to come from HIM. You would STILL help him, if he were serious about getting his life in order.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I don't have advice on the ticket situation, but I wanted to say that the best thing you can do to avoid these types of calls is: don't answer the phone. Decide for yourself how and when you want to deal with him. Seems to me he's using the phone as a tool to harass you - you don't have to give him that power. Maybe you'll only talk to him in the evening, or once a day, or every other day, or whatever -- but you're in charge of that. Not him. You don't even have to tell him that .. just do it.

I'm also a big believer in the "that's nice honey" or "oh really?" types of answers - instead of any commentary on their conversation or choices. I don't even bother with the "I won't listen if you're going to be nasty" comments - I just say goodbye. You've said that enough time to him that he definitely knows that by now - it becomes a game. I honestly think the more words we speak, the more control it gives them .. because they can be such masters at twisting the words and throwing them back. Why waste the energy?!

Hang in there!

 

[Tanya M]

Copa, I went through this so many times with my son. His famous line "Mom, if you just help me this time I will never ask you for another thing ever, I swear"
I honestly lost count of how many times I heard this, all I know is one day I said ENOUGH.

I think you have handled yourself really well with him on the phone.

As for buying the train/bus ticket that's a tough one. It's easy for me to say "don't do it" only because I have been down that road so many times and have been burned. If I could get into a time machine and go back and have the wisdom of those on this site I may have stopped giving into my son's pleas.

What I can tell you is I went through so much of what you are going through right now. My son was so ugly with his words towards me and blaming me for all his problems. It got so bad with his hatefulness towards me that I had no choice but to cease all communication with him and this lasted for a good 4 or 5 months. When we did start talking I made it very clear that I would not be treated with such disrespect and I would no longer help him.
During the time we did not communicate I realized I needed to stop trying to reason with him, trying to explain things to him that his problems were of his own doing, having to defend myself, trying to get him to understand that his life would continue to spiral into chaos unless he did A, B, C and D - I had to accept that he was never going to listen to me, he held no value in my advice to him.
Now when we do communicate (it's always through private message on FB) I do not engage him. I keep my responses as simple and loving as I can. It has helped. This is where the "we can't change them we can only change ourselves" comes into play.
By changing my behavior towards him it has changed our relationship. By no means do we have a close relationship but it's certainly not volatile like it once was.

 

[Copabanana]

What have you decided, Copa?

To clarify, he wants me to buy an e-ticket with his own money. He would give me the cash in hand before I would buy the ticket.

It may already be a moot point. He could have resolved this already.

By Greyhound. DMV to get a reissued ID. He had it within his power to call back and listen to me. Instead of hanging up on me. Trying for a different result. After all, how many times have I endured all manner of indignity seeking a different result.

What happens to me is I begin to yearn for him. And I act from that. Like right now I want to go by where I think he is living, and see him, buy the ticket, hug him and say goodbye.

I love him. By doing that I get what I want. I get to see him to say goodbye and he leaves.

So, I think I have found my answer. I will go by there. He may or may not already have left.

If he is there, I will take him to Greyhound where he can buy his ticket, straightforward, without an ID or I will take him to DMV where he can get a duplicate ID.

Then, if he wants, with his money in my hand, I will buy the e-ticket and take him to the train.

The only thing I do not know is what I will do if he begins to treat me badly. I guess, I will just ask him to get out of the car.

Thank you.

 

[Lil]

What happens to me is I begin to yearn for him. And I act from that. Like right now I want to go by where I think he is living, and see him, buy the ticket, hug him and say goodbye.

Yes, that's all I wanted when mine left. I printed the ticket (girlfriend paid) and took him to the train so I could hug him and tell him I loved him.

I got peace of mind for about a week. I hope you get more.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

So what does he want? Me to say, "I'll come take you?" He lives 2 hours away.

I would do that.

We have done that.

I thought it was further away than that, Lil. We would do that not for the child, but so we could meet our own eyes in the mirror.

Out of the things that I know, being able to meet our own eyes in the mirror matters alot.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

The thing is Cedar, if Lil goes there to pick her son up and bring him home, what does she do next?

He will want to plop himself down on the sofa with the chips and watch that TV show.

He will have all of the power.

There needs to be a plan, first, that addresses the legal, housing, mental health, financial etc.

And just like my son, theirs has proven himself unreliable.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Oh no, Copa. I meant to bring him to the hospital and drop him at work.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

Well, my son just called.

SON: Can you please just help me?

Me: Of course. Do you want me to come over right now? We can go to the DMV for an ID or go to Greyhound and you can buy a ticket without ID.

SON: Can you just buy the ticket on the internet? The train leaves at 1:08 pm. I have to work tomorrow. The computer on Amtrak won't accept my address info. I can get my blood work done in the City. *This makes me furious, that he manipulates me with his liver.

Me: By the way, take me off as contact information for your liver. That is complicating things.

SON: Fxxk You. And hangs up on me.