Last night he said "no contact." He called this morning.

[Tanya M]

Out of the things that I know, being able to meet our own eyes in the mirror matters alot.

This is it really, we each have to what we can live with.
It would be easy to say I regret all I have done for my son, all the money that was spent but I can't, I don't regret it. I know to the depth of my soul that I did all I could for him. I gave him every possible chance. I don't have to wonder "if only I had done this or that"
We each have a point we get to when we know enough is enough. For some it comes quicker and for others it takes more time.

Copa, I truly hope it goes well with your son.

 

[Copabanana]

Oh no, Copa. I meant to bring him to the hospital and drop him at work.

Cedar

That makes sense to me.

 

[Tanya M]

Well I just read your most recent and him telling you #*&% you and then hanging up.
It's just so unfair that he is putting this on your shoulders.
It never ceases to amaze me how a Difficult Child in single breath can say "I need you to help me and by the way $*&^ off"
I'm so sorry you are having to endure this.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

What are you going to do, Copa? Buy him the ticket? I would not. I would want to, but I would not.

Why is he angry about the liver? Is there something here I am missing.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

Cedar, he cannot bear to hear my voice except if it is to say OK or Yes.

Not one word more does he want to hear from me.

I did buy the ticket. (Before I heard back from you.)

I will go try to find him and take him to the station.

I will go on from that place.

COPA

 

[Lil]

I'm so sorry Copa. I think that would have sealed the matter for me. He could call and tell them he can't be there to work tomorrow because he has to get there still. But I understand why you did what you did. Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[Tanya M]

Well, at least this way if something goes wrong with the job he can't blame you, well, I mean he can because our DCs are so good at it but he can't blame you saying "because you didn't get me that ticket I lost the job"
You've done what you can, you've done what you can live with.
After all of this I do hope you will do something good for yourself. (if it were me it would be 2 big scoops of salted caramel cashew ice cream)

 

[AppleCori]

Has your son had a liver biopsy?

I am sure he is angry about having this disease, through no fault of his own, but the same thing happens to numerous people every day.

He is far from alone in this.

Maybe dad can urge him to get treatment?

 

[SeekingStrength]

Oh, Copa...

I read this thread backwards and just saw your post from 40 minutes ago.

Hugs, hugs, hugs.

And, you know it will not stay like this. He is frustrated and acting like a D C.
But, there are better days ahead for the two of you.

SS

 

[BusynMember]

I would keep your conversations to "yes" and "no." If something comes up and you get phonecalls that you don't want to handle anymore tell THEM, "please take me off the contact list and contact my son." He probably thought you said that about his liver contact just to tick him off. It doesn't take much. You don't have to tell him to do anything because he won't do what you ask anyway. Best to just refuse the information from the professionals if you are called and let him handle his own medical problems himself. He certainly is not listening to you.

Hugs and hoping you have a peaceful trip with son. Try something new: radio silence. Don't talk, don't respond to him when he talks except to say "yes" or "no" or "I'd rather not discuss that now." If he follows up just click your tongue or say "Uh huh" or be non-commital. Do not show anger because that gives him power and he will amp up the abuse.

Silence is golden and it does work.

 

[Copabanana]

Salted caramel ice cream...ummm.

This is what happened.

Here is the e-ticket. Give me the cash and it is yours.

I don't have the cash.

Do you want to get the cash? I will drive you.

We get to the station. We make the exchange.

He says, I would say something but I feel too bad.

You could say "thank you."

I feel too bad.

However you feel does not take away your responsibility to say or do the right thing.There is nothing more to say than that. Goodbye. I hope it works out for you.

I did not say one more thing. Not I love you. I did not touch him or hug him or kiss him. He left. Silent.

Actually, I felt disgusted. I felt complete. I now feel sad. Empty.

I am glad he is out of my town. I am ready to move on. I will get my name off of his medical contact info. I get these automated calls, and there is no way to do anything except confirm or deny the appointments.

I will think about how to get out of the assault and battery of the phone calls. They are really, really abusive. Even strong I get beaten down, because they are designed only to do that. To beat me up so that I do not exist beyond fulfilling his immediate, specific need. And serve as punishment, if I do not.

I am sad, but relieved. I hope I have the strength to never, ever permit him to come back to where I live.

He has an opportunity now. The Brazilians will give him a chance to work, to have a decent space to stay with a decent family, and friendship. This father and son have been there for him many times for many, many years. They do not deserve his abuse. I hope he can grasp that. I do not have much more hope than that.

Thank you everybody for being there for me. I hope I did not disappoint you.

 

[AppleCori]

Oh, when I read 'Brazilian father' I thought this was your son's birth/adopted father.

Now I see it is a father/son friends of his.

I think you did what you needed to do.

I hope this is a fresh start for him.

 

[Lil]

I hope I did not disappoint you.

Don't be silly.

You did what you needed to do. Now go do something nurturing for yourself.

 

[AppleCori]

Copa,

Is your son eligible for public housing?

 

[pasajes4]

Copa, it is time to dig the fox hole, get the mattresses, go radio silence, gird your loins, and be prepared for the emotional barrage that may take place in your heart in the coming days. May I suggest some necessary survival tools to take into your bunker: food and beverages that you crave, books, tissue, bubble bath/ bubble wrap, your best supportive friend/SO, music, and candles. INCOMING, INCOMING, INCOMING .......

 

[BusynMember]

You did exactly what was right for you, and this is what the forum is all about. Our kids are too old to help them, so we find ways to help ourselves. If later our adult kids ask for serious help, we can do that, but until then, we have to learn to live without basking in the pride of a perfect adult child. I can only imagine how hard it is to only have one kid.

Big hugs.

 

[Copabanana]

big scoops of salted caramel cashew ice cream)

Where do I buy this? I just looked up recipes, my goodness.

Is your son eligible for public housing?

Yes.

This is the problem. The County where he could easily get it, where he is hooked up to services, is very, very expensive. He will not consider living on the streets for an extended time. He seems to be unable or unwilling to stay in a residential treatment facility long enough to get through the pipeline.

He hates where I live. And I can see why. Unless he were to work or go to school, there is nothing here.

He will now be in yet another County. I would hesitate to counsel him to try to get public benefits in that County because it would jeopardize the good support and benefits in the expensive County.

Does any of this make sense? I am so confused...Thank you.

 

[AppleCori]

Can he apply in the good county, where he already has services in place, yet live in the meantime with the friends he is going to stay with? I know it is a long process/long wait time, but does he have to stay in a residential facility in order to be on 'the list'?

I dont know how it all works, so just asking.

 

[Copabanana]

Can he apply in the good county, where he already has services in place, yet live in the meantime with the friends he is going to stay with?

I think he can, as long as they think he is living in that County.

He may already be on the list. He does not do what he needs to do to comply or advocate for himself. That is the problem, all the way around. He is non-compliant. But unable or unwilling to do for himself.

And he does not permit me to help him. He sees it as controlling and infringing upon his autonomy.

I think I have to let this play out. How discouraging. Thank you for your support.

 

[AppleCori]

As usual, with our DCs, they insist on doing things the hard way.