late night conversations

[carolanne]

Last night was awful here. Becky is completely over the top with her disrespect and I certainly didn't help matters by blowing up at her. She's been picking, picking, picking at her little sister...and keeps on until the girl is in tears and storming upstairs...Becky follows and calls her baby, whiner, sissy, etc.

I sent everyone to bed early and went and laid down with my little guy, had a cuddle and a good cry. Once I calmed down and peewee was sleeping, I went into my bedroom and asked husband to talk.

I laid it all out, how I feel like a single parent, Becky's disrespect and insults are hurting, Kate's diva-ness, two yr old stuff on top...add in Jess, and tons of other stuff and I can't do it alone any longer.

He was so quet for so long...and than he said "I don't want to discipline Becky because I don't want her to hate me".

I told him the way she treats me/talks to me is trickling over into school, her babysitting job(which the lady just called and said she doesn't need her anymore), her attitude towards anyone, even store clerks....he just laid there....not a word.

I left and came downstairs to tidy up...he followed a little while later and said "you will have to deal with her. No yelling, no consequences, no limits, nothing. I don't want any part of this...she likes me right now and I want it to stay that way."

To my way of thinking, this 40yr old man has just given a 14yr old girl permission to treat me like dirt, to do what she wants, when she wants, how she wants.

I am at a total loss :crying: We've been married 18 yrs and to have him practically say that she is a peer is unreal. How the blazes do I handle this one?????

Carolanne

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I am completely speechless. I can't even put that in order in my head.

(((((((I am so sorry))))))

 

[MrsMcNear46]

I too faced that same situation...still do with easy child. The bottom line for me, was I just had to buck up and do it alone. Did I lose respect for him, yes. Did it kill a part of my love for him, yes. But when all was said and done, I was all the kids had and I did what I had to do.

I went to bed most nites wiped out and in tears. But I did find more strength than I thought I had and marched on. I prayed alot. I posted on the board alot. And I did the best I could.

If husband will agree to counseling, Go. Remind him that he is her parent, not her friend. If he loves her, it doesn't matter if she likes him or not. My kids hated me....I would respond with-"You'll get over it." And they did.

I feel sorry for you and will keep you in my prayers.

Hugs and Blessings--

Mrs. McNear

 

[KFld]

Is this her biological father????? How can he refuse to have anything to do with disciplining her???

I am also speechless!!

 

[rejectedmom]

I read an article once a few years ago about how damaging it is for the kids to have the mother become the sole disiplinarian. Maybe if you can do a google search on the subject and find asimilar article and just give it to your husband he will see the light? -RM

 

[Anna1345]

I know exactly what you are going through, carolanne. With out reading any other responses, here is my opinion.

First {{{HUGS}}}} I know how devasting and painful this can be. Second, we have been going through the same thing recently. Some thing that have helped have been jsut talking with M. Sitting him down by himself, no distractions, and lay it on the line. "I know, you are a good kid. I have seen what a great big brother you are. You are a part of this family and we WANT you to feel like you are important to us. What is all this anger about?" And when she says "I don't know" try responding with this "I know you like it better when the house is more calm and everyone is getting along. So, I am not saying you have to be kind and loving. Nor am I saying you even have to respect us. BUT you DO need to behave. When you behave we will no longer yell and scream and the house will be a more pleasant place." Or something to that effect. When we approach M like that and are calm and rational, no yelling, etc. I find he is more apt to really listen to me.

I know a lot of times our first instinct is to blow up, but it never helps the situation. I know you know that too. I have also found that when M says things like "I don't care if my grades are bad, I don't care if I get in trouble or my friends don't like me" blah blah. That it is a defense mechanism for him. He is trying to protect his feelings.

In response to your husband, I too am speechless. I can't believe a grown man would have the audacity to respond in such a manner! How can he NOT believe that the LAST thing she needs in a parent is a friend right now. She needs a good strong male figure... NOT a push over. She needs someone who will teach and direct her. He needs to stop worrying about how he is perceived and start working on what he can do to help his daughter help herself. We are parents, we are not supposed to be best friends and liked and peers with our CHILDREN. If we don't teach them by actions and examples, how will they EVER learn how to be parents and to deal with their children when older, or to deal with their ability to pick a future mate?

Maybe Family counciling is in order if you don't already go? And if you do already go, tell the councilor what husband has said? Hang in there!!!

 

[Suz]

In many ways Rob's Dad did the same thing your husband is doing, without being brave enough to admit it. Mine chose to be passive aggressive- your husband at least isn't pretending. It was a major contributor to the dissolution of our 25 year marriage and why he is now my ex.

If your husband's attitude doesn't kill your feelings for him, it will surely exhaust, frustrate, and enrage you. And your kids will not respect him. I'm sorry, Carolanne. I don't foresee a good outcome. :future:

He is a fool. Print out our replies and lay the printout on his pillow tonight.

Suz

 

[1905]

It sounds like your husband is hanging his hat on, "I want her to like me" because it's easier than parenting her. It's the lazy way out, an excuse. I'm so sorry you have so much on your plate, this sounds like my husband a little. It's fine for me to do every chore, work full time, and never relax, but when I need help or him just do a quick chore there is always a ready excuse. He is doing damage to you, not taking his "turn", or allowiing you to have a break. I'm sorry. ((((HUGS)))). All you can do is the best you can. -Alyssa

 

[Abbey]

He is a fool. Print out our replies and lay the printout on his pillow tonight.

Suz

Sorry I got a chuckle out of this, but this is classic Suz.

It's tough to parent a difficult child. It's 10X tougher to do it when you're not on the same page. No advice...just seen a lot in the years. Personally, I'd step back and let him deal with EVERYTHING.

Abbey

 

[mstang67chic]

I saw a saying/quote once (actually I think it was on here) that said basically... Our job as a parent is to raise our children to be law abiding, responsible and productive members of society. If they like us in the end...that's a bonus.

That's why we are called parents. It's our job to parent, teach and guide. Sometimes that involves discipline.
The only semi-valid reason I can think of for why he would feel this way is his feelings towards his own parents. Still.....not an excuse but could that be a possible reason?

I also agree with the idea of printing thise thread out and leaving it for him to read.

 

[carolanne]

Yes, he's her bio dad. I asked him and Becky to go for a walk so we could talk... :hammer: what a waste of time. I asked why she was angry and if there was anything I could do to help...nothing...even with husband asking, still nothing. She even turned around and went home after spewing some rather nasty words at me...this time in front of her dad. I told him to go home and leave me alone and went for a long walk to think and clear my head.

I came in not too long ago and told him I am through. He will handle any and all that has to do with her now. I won't be treated like this any longer....she came in from school today and was one nasty sob in front of my friend and smirked her way out of the room.

husband said it's a stage, wait it out. I said no, it's not, it's you being her friend instead of her father and you will deal with her now....that includes the calls from school, her big sister(through Big Sisters) who she has recently insulted and mouthed off to, and any other problem/situation that involves her.

Than I handed him the printout as suggested and am now in MY room(moved his stuff to the spare) with my little guy watching tv...

Carolanne

oh yeah, as for his parents...mom ran off and left him and his sister when he was four; dad was an alcoholic who dumped both kids on some woman and left for a bit, came back, adopted just him out to an abusive woman who he ran away from to go back to a dad that was drunk all the time and didn't give him anything, not even a bed to sleep on; was in and out of juvie and has a record for break and enter as long as the staten island ferry and even though his dad has been dead for 14 yrs, he still talks about him like he's here and is a god. By the way, strange thing is our son was born on the exact same day his dad passed...died january 30 1993 and Johnnie was born Jan 30 2005...

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

I'd bet you have the support of every member on the board (not to mention every person on Earth).

As for your husband growing up, what a sad life he had. He is SO making up for the fact that his dad was a moron. At least that is what he thinks he is doing.

 

[witzend]

Carolanne, I am so sorry, but this guy needs a swift kick in the pants. He just chose your daughter over you. I'd tell him he either needs to step up or move out and take her with him. Then he can see how much she likes him.

What a brute! He'd better think twice. I think you need stand up for yourself, too. Peewee absolutely should not be consoling you in this. "United we stand, divided we fall." "A house divided shall not stand."

He's married to you. In four years she's supposed to be gone. He's supposed to be married to you


<ul>[*]For better or worse
[*]for richer or poorer
[*]in sickness and in health
[*]forsaking all others
[*]'til death do us part. [/list]

"Forsaking all others" includes your children. You do not side with your children against your spouse. You work it out so that your marriage, which it's your duty as a spouse to make last until you die, can be happy and healthy. You can tell him that Witzend tells him to "man up".

 

[witzend]

I saw a saying/quote once (actually I think it was on here) that said basically... Our job as a parent is to raise our children to be law abiding, responsible and productive members of society. If they like us in the end...that's a bonus.

I'm thinking that was me, chica. I had forgotten. I'm still waiting for that bonus on M...

 

[Hound dog]

Carolanne

I ditto what the others have said.

I am wondering. Do you have a relative or friend who would let you come and stay a whole week? You could use the break, and husband can certainly used the reality check.

I'm thinking if he's the only parent in the house for a whole week, she's gonna turn on him next. Then I wonder how his "this is a stage" theory is gonna hold up under the pressure. Odds are he'd be diciplining her by the time you got back.

If you can't get away, go completely on strike. No parenting duties for you dear. Not for ANY of the kids. You're just the cook and the maid for the next couple of weeks til husband gets a clue. Now it has to be ALL the kids cuz husband needs to get a REAL taste of parenting in your house.

While husband is at work, save up every little thing that went wrong and throw it at him, then walk away. *Careful not to smile where he can see you.*

Good grief.

Granted I do the bulk of diciplining around here, but that's because husband couldn't be consistant if his life depended on it.

((((hugs)))))

 

[busywend]

Be careful that Becky does not think your problems are her fault.


Please tell me husband is not the type to also then complain that you are always to tired and don't give him enough attention, too? He expects you to do it all, I hope he is not expecting more out of you for himself.

 

[mary9461]

I too feel for you. I have an ex-husband that does the same thing. He wants to be difficult child son's buddy. He throws money at the problem, so Dad is the favorite. difficult child son has him figured out and uses it to his advantage. I have tried talking to ex-husband, but he keeps doing what he has been doing. I don't think he even realizes that difficult child son has him figured out. I will keep you in my prayers. Try to hang tough she needs a strong parent now.

HUGS,

Maybeth

 

[carolanne]

Please tell me husband is not the type to also then complain that you are always to tired and don't give him enough attention, too? He expects you to do it all, I hope he is not expecting more out of you for himself.



[/quote]

Well of course he does....constantly. And he doesn't work as he is on disability. I am a seamstress working from home and I clean a couple houses a week but am always here for the kids.

I am going away with my little guy for a week...can't leave him here as he is in diapers and husband won't change him regardless....going to stay at my girlfriend's an hour away and as neither husband nor I drive it will be impossible to come and nag me to return....

Carolanne

 

[DDD]

WHOA, Nellie......put them weapons down and think a spell. :rolleyes: I don't think transferring the builtup anger
and frustration is the healthiest way to go. husband is not overtly
causing the pain. The man does not like confrontation. How many
members have been married to PITAs who thrived on causing stress?
This husband is not like that...he has been traumtized by volatile
personalities and he does NOT want to revisit that environment.
Punishing him or threatening him is NOT going to turn him into the spouse who shares stress 50/50. It is NOT going to happen.
He can NOT do it.

Why am I such a "know it all"??? I'm married to a wonderful man
who shared that type of childhood, would walk thru flames for me
or the children, who in a zillion years wouldn't ever have been
unfaithful to me or our family BUT who can NOT confront problems
within the family headon. Period. Zip. That is it.

Chances are the kind, caring traits that made you fall in love
with him are now seen as soft or disloyal. It's the same guy.
The circumstances have changed and you are in the high stress
arena. As much as he wants to make sure you are safe and fine
he can not bear being the bad guy with others.

Is it fair that you have to step up to the plate alone? Heck no
it is NOT fair. Can you do it? Yep..you can either do it or not
do it. You can not force someone else to do anything they feel
incapable of doing.

Don't "throw the baby away with the bath water". You have a
terrific spouse who is imperfect. Chances are you are also a
bit flawed. Most everyone is. Either take the lead or ignore
the issue and see where it lands without leadership. Abandoning
your husband physically or emotionally will only compound your
problems. DDD

 

[Steely]

Family counseling a possibility - or individual for him???
Yikes! He needs something!
Hang in there.