https://web.archive.org/web/20090827205639/http://potada.info/message.html
A MESSAGE TO PARENTS
When you think your child is drinking or using other drugs or both, your life can become a nightmare. When you see your child's life go down the drain, you are likely to suffer many painful feelings. And often, it seems that the more you do, the worse things get. Is there any hope?
POTADA is a 12-step fellowship of parents and other family members whose children of any age are alcohol and other drug abusers. Stories of loving people who use or are addicted to heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, oxycontin, marijuana, alcohol, or whatever drug are shared in confidence at POTADA meetings. No story is foreign to POTADA; all are understood. In POTADA, we offer hope and effective ways of improving the devastating situation of drug abuse. Given a chance, the POTADA program invariably and significantly improves the family's well being.
Frequently parents of an alcohol or drug user may need more assistance and counseling than the drug user if an effective recovery program is not practiced. Since the user feels "good" when using, the parents initially suffer the most. Keep in mind that alcohol and other drug addictions are diseases, which have tremendous negative impact upon the immediate family. Those most affected by the drug user are the parents, siblings, and other loved ones.
For example, parents may find themselves being blamed for everything that is wrong in a drug users family. Commonly, they feel guilty, afraid, angry, and confused. Yet, the parents are no more responsible for abuse or addiction than they would be for the existence of diabetes or tuberculosis in their children. No parent ever made his son or daughter an addict; therefore, no parent can be held responsible for his or her recovery.
It is sad and common how well a drug abuser controls a family, especially parents. The child takes drugs again and again. The family screams, cries, yells, begs, pleads, prays, threatens, or is silent. Loving parents also cover up, protect, and shield their loved one from his or her consequences of drug abuse. They falsely assume that somehow they can change or "fix" the child. In time, they learn that they can only change themselves—and, such self-improvement will help their abusing loved one. With good intentions parents may allow the illness to go unnoticed or even facilitate it. Because of inadequate understanding, they may acquiesce or enable the development of the disease. Although parents of drug users did not cause the problem and cannot control or change their children, parents are not helpless. As parents, you have the power to make things better. Besides feeling better yourself, you can learn how to increase the likelihood of your children's recovery. POTADA offers such help.
With love, you can act on mistaken beliefs, cope ineffectively, and actually make matters worse. The mistakes of well-meaning family members can make recovery more difficult for their child. You can learn how to avoid playing into sick patterns of abuse and thereby contribute to the progress of the illness. POTADA helps you to abstain from enabling as well as implement more effective behavior.
If a family member is willing to learn the facts about drug abuse and put them into practice, the chances of recovery are greatly increased. In fact, the best way to help any drug abuser recover is to remove ignorance and negative behavior, acquire healthy attitudes, and have the courage to practice effective principles when dealing with your child. To achieve these goals, a community born out of love is needed.
In POTADA, we learn to deal with guilt, shame, fear, anger, confusion, depression, or whatever feeling that harms children and ourselves. We learn to love more effectively, to allow our loved ones to be responsible for their behavior, and to achieve serenity regardless of what they do. Paradoxically, in helping ourselves, we help our children.
When drug users get high, they anesthetize their pain. It is a problem-solving device to relieve anxiety, anger, shame, and other confusing and painful feelings. Although they temporarily relieve their pain, the family's pain increases. Instead of learning from the consequences of addiction, they use more. Remorse and guilt compel some users to beg for mercy and promise that it will never happen again. Others simply deny and lie about their use. Whatever their response, they avoid the consequences of and responsibility for their drug use.
Addicts use drugs to escape pain and learn how to use the family to avoid consequences. Remember: Addiction is a family disease; the family suffers when one of its members uses drugs. If the family bears the brunt of the drug use and absorbs its consequences, recovery is thwarted.
To intervene is to confront a person with the facts of his illness and of the effects caused by drug use. This calls for courage, compassion, and competence without anger and manipulation. POTADA members share what worked for them as well as how to intervene effectively. POTADA can help you learn to communicate with your abuser as well as offer helpful resources.
You are not helpless! You can acquire the power to achieve recovery. You can begin by doing the following:
- Learn all the facts about alcohol, drug use, and co-dependency and put them to work in your own life. Don't start with the drug abuser. Start with yourself.
- Go to POTADA meetings. The members will share their experiences, strengths, and hopes to help you help your child. POTADA will help you learn to avoid enabling, to set boundaries, give appropriate consequences, maintain control and serenity as well as how to access the latest legal, therapeutic, and spiritual resources. You can achieve the love of self and others, serenity, freedom, courage, competence, and compassion that engender recovery
back in school.
