lessons from wise warriors on detaching?

[Steely]

Here is the hard part Kitty.......it is not as simple as him JUST being lazy and unmotivated....he also has HUGE agrophobia and social anxiety issues. Usually he is either depressed, or manic - and has a panic attack about every other day. medications have been tweaked as much as they are going to be able to at this point.

To top this off, although his IQ is off the charts, he is emotionally about the age of a 12 year old. So, when I tell him - you will go work at McDonalds (or whatever).......he freaks, just like a child. Not because he is protesting work, but because he is protesting the social aspect. He has NO friends, and little social contact because every social situation is like pulling teeth for him. So it is hard for me to determine how much "flipping" is drama, and how much is true anxiety.

I guess I am just saying, that although sometimes he IS sitting around being a deadbeat....he is not on drugs or alcohol and he is borderline AS, not to mention BiPolar (BP) and has Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). So this is REALLY complicated, and I don't know how hard to push. Ya know? Ugh.......too much!

 

[scent of cedar]

You have to tell yourself that these are your son's challenges and that the most you can do is to help him learn how to function in the world in spite of them.

There was one more key for me. I needed to acknowledge the tragedy in what had happened. I needed to name and claim the things that were lost. Too many times, we try to go on as though everything were normal. WE HAVE LOST A CHILD. I can pinpoint within a matter of weeks when my son changed. After that, I never really saw him again.

I never saw my son again.

The person I see, the person who looks like my son, is broken and hurt and miserable and I cannot help him.

And he hates me, or behaves as though he does.

When he does come home, when I do see him, he looks so much like my son that I feel like his mother.

That's why detaching is so hard. I never did want to be mean or cold or nasty to anyone, really. In my normal life, I love to help, am frequently a caretaker ~ and I like that very much. I like to laugh, I like the house to be clean, I like to look pretty and to prepare and eat good food.

I like to set the table beautifully.

husband and I always toast one another. We clink our glasses and say "Let's feast!" before we eat our dinner.

It's fun to do that.

None of those things matter to that person who looks like my son did.

To him, we are fools.

THAT is why detaching is mandatory for those whose families have fallen apart as ours have.

What has happened to all of us is among the most tragic of events. We need to acknowledge that we are living through something tragic, or we will presume ourselves to be living a normal existence. But we are not living a normal existence. On some level, whether we allow ourselves to acknowledge it or not, we get it that what has happened is all wrong.

We are grieving.

We need to be able to name and claim that grief or we will not be able to function normally in the rest of our lives.

There will be no joy ~ as one of us said, we will feel such guilt that joy will never be allowed, for us.

If we give in to those feelings?

The illness wins.

I am so glad you posted about this subject. husband and I are still trying to come to terms with everything that has happened to us, and with what it all means.

If we HAD lost our son, we would never have had to know the things we know now.

I wonder sometimes whether that might not have been easier than this has been.

They say where there is life there is hope. I hope my son is able to come back from where he is.

But the years are gone, and the things we might have shared, the pride we might have felt, the dinners and celebrations that make family, never happened.

Huh.

I'm babbling again. :smile:

Sometimes, I still just cannot believe this happened to us.

Barbara

 

[Mrs Smith]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: WeepingWillow</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Here is the hard part Kitty.......it is not as simple as him JUST being lazy and unmotivated....he also has HUGE agrophobia and social anxiety issues. Usually he is either depressed, or manic - and has a panic attack about every other day. medications have been tweaked as much as they are going to be able to at this point.

To top this off, although his IQ is off the charts, he is emotionally about the age of a 12 year old. So, when I tell him - you will go work at McDonalds (or whatever).......he freaks, just like a child. Not because he is protesting work, but because he is protesting the social aspect. He has NO friends, and little social contact because every social situation is like pulling teeth for him. So it is hard for me to determine how much "flipping" is drama, and how much is true anxiety.

I guess I am just saying, that although sometimes he IS sitting around being a deadbeat....he is not on drugs or alcohol and he is borderline AS, not to mention BiPolar (BP) and has Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). So this is REALLY complicated, and I don't know how hard to push. Ya know? Ugh.......too much! </div></div>
I know how you feel. My son showed the same anxiety about having to work. He said instead he'll just do chores around the house!? His fear is that he won't be able to do the job. This is going to be a huge hurtle for us too.

 

[AliceLee]

Hi, I am able to detach well sometimes, not so well at others. Right now, not so well. Darling daughter moved back home last weekend...she was homeless with nowhere to go other than a shelter. My backbone wasn't strong enough to have her living on the streets.

 

[Jen]

Read my post on Being Proud, I think that sums it up for me. He is now almost 23 yrs. It is good that you are thinking aobut it already. I was no where near being ready. I thought I could save his world, then in turn save mine, NO WAY!

Jen

 

[standswithcourage]

I agree with everyone also! My son is living in a dump with a friend and his girlfriend. It is a house. My husband and I went to see what it looked like - it is better than a tent. My son seems to be happy. He is looking for a job somewhere. The house seems in the woods. I will give him positive encouragement. He will be on probation for his marijuana charge and will go to court again on Sept. 5 for disorderly conduct charge. I hope they dont violate him. We didnt allow him to come home from jail this time. This is the first time. It was terrible. Maybe he can make some sense of his life. I still worry. Take care.

 

[Sammie]

Hello Weeping Willow,

I read your story and it sounds identical to mine.... I can really relate to how you are feeling... How do you detach from someone you spent your life "attaching" to.... I think there shoud be a new disorder just for moms of kids like ours "detachment disorder".... I too am having a very difficult time detaching.. My son is living with his friends family so I know he is safe....but boy is it hard... I have to agree with Abbey, when I realized how my son's behavior was affecting my mother, husband and other children.. it became very clear to me that I had to make a move.... My son will not step foot in my home again unless he agrees to the rules of the house and follows them... How is he doing now? He is in the house correct? How are you detaching with him in the house?

 

[standswithcourage]

Ditto~ I know how you feel.

 

[scent of cedar]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: WeepingWillow</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

I definitely think the hardest thing is for me to be happy when my son is not.

Surely I must have failed, because he is still not well? And so my instinct is to do more, more, and more..... and not doing that, but rather attempting to over ride this guttural maternal drive - feels like nothing short of an exorcism. /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/tired.gif </div></div>

I think you are right about that maternal drive thing. It DOES feel like an exorcism to override it. I really do think there is some hormonal something that keeps us fixated on our kids until they are doing okay. Every so often I will hear that story about the 86 year old mom grieving the death of her drug addicted 64 year old son who had still been living at home.

And I just shiver. I know exactly how that situation transpired.

One day, one decision, at a time, that's how.

Some of us spend our entire lives in the service of our child's addiction.

But it does not help the child, or change his situation.

It's almost impossible to believe that there isn't SOMETHING we can do to help. Most moms will have to go through every single thing they know to do before, out of a desperate effort to preserve ourselves, we finally make the decision to detach.

Detaching from our children goes against the grain of who we are or we would not be here on the site, devastated by what has happened to us and to our kids.

But thank goodness the site exists.

Barbara

 

[Steely]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Sammie</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I can really relate to how you are feeling... How do you detach from someone you spent your life "attaching" to.... I think there shoud be a new disorder just for moms of kids like ours "detachment disorder".... </div></div>

Hi Sammie,
I agree - "detachment disorder" for parents! Gotta love that verbiage. :wink:

To answer your question, yes my son still lives here at home because he is not even 17 yet (will be next month). I guess I know I need to start detaching now, because of how over attached I have been towards him his whole life. I am finally realizing that I have to regain my life back, if he is ever to have one. It was so hard when he was younger, I really felt if I dropped everything; my career, my friends, my life, and focused on helping him get better that would be the answer to his problems. Because that is what mom's do, right? If our child is sick we drop everything! However, although I do credit my over-involvement to some positive things in his life, this last year we have both completely lost our way. Completely - both of us are depressed, angry, and empty.

You asked about how to detach when he is still at home......and I think that is truly the hardest aspect. I think somebody on this post, or one similar, said the key is to ignore most of the behavior. All the little things that make me want to nag, correct, and scold him - I am trying to take a step back from. He does not self correct, and he has no self discipline, but I do not think I foster it by telling him what to do all of the time. He needs to figure out what to do by his own natural consequences.

Now, that does not mean that the minute he turns 17 there are not going to BIG changes - he will either have a job, or be in school. Period. I have a huge poster board calendar on the wall in his room, and I am making him count off the days, so he is mentally prepared for his huge reality check.

My biggest issue now, is trying to discern what he really is capable of. He does have huge mental illness challenges.........and I cannot simply use only tough love and pretend as if his mental illnesses do not exist. So I want to tread the waters, calmly, appropriately, and ask of him things that are in alignment of his capabilities. It is just that I do not really know what he is capable of. He is smart, but anxious, and gets overwhelmed and melts down at the drop of a hat. I really cannot see him working at McDonalds - seriously! I can SO see him throwing a thing of french fries at the difficult costumer, and storming off the job. :shocked: I believe he would do this because he could not handle the mental over stimulation - but perhaps I am in denial and underestimate him. I am not sure. I can see him working in a small office, with a small staff. So I guess I just will have to push him, within my own comfort zone, without enabling him (that's the hard part) until he finds what he is capable of handling.

Good luck in your detaching venture. My thoughts will be with you and your boy....I know how sad and hard it is......but we will hope that this is exactly the kick he needs to move on.

 

[Steely]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: scent of cedar</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
And I just shiver. I know exactly how that situation transpired.

One day, one decision, at a time, that's how.

Some of us spend our entire lives in the service of our child's addiction.

But it does not help the child, or change his situation.
</div></div>

Gosh Barbara, you are SO right. I just saw a thing on the local news about this son, 50 something, who shot and killed his mom, 70 something. The neighbors said that the son had been living with the mom, again, and despite the son physically continually abusing her, she kept taking him back into her home. This had been going on for FIFTY years!!! /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/tired.gif
I thought to myself ~ there is a prime example of a mom so entrenched in abuse, enabling, and denial, that she died because of it. Sad, sad, sad.......but yet, on a smaller scale, it happens every day to moms and dads who cannot detach.

I do not want to be one of those people.