Living with Tennage Daughter diagnosis with Borderline (BPD)

[lovelyboy]

Giulia.....I am sorry if I offended you.......As I also said I do appreciate your imput.......
I do think it's an emphasis thing......It's appreciated when some one who see themself with simmilar diagnosis comes to share how a difficult child see it or what worked for them as kids or their experience as a difficult child kid in their dinamics with their parents......then it brings the support and insight into the parent-child relationship to this forum....being a parent forum....Usually.....not always....the advice shared on this forum on a specific topic, is of parents who has already implemented a method or went through the same experience and share what worked and what didnt.....Thats why we choose the topics we identify with.......When a non parent gives advice, I agree it can be insightfull to......but sorry to say....for me.....it does give me that feeling of "how would you know....easy for you to say......you have never went through this......Me as a parent get that same feeling with certain professionals.....it's VERY easy to know when some one has walked a long road with a diagnosis and parents with a children suffering from that diagnosis or is just giving advice......

 

[Giulia]

I understand better what you mean.
The language difference does not help either, do it ?

However, even if diagnosis are different, similar methods can work.
You think that it seems unrealistic advice. I know that when you read it, the task seems daunting. But it's just a way you perceive the problem, because actually, mommy implemented what I said. I am not a parent, but mommy implemented the same methods I suggest.
My mom is absolutely not a professional (neither a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a nanny, a social worker....), she is just a mom.

Diagnosis differ, but the root basics are the same.
So, even if the method has to be adapted, the basics stay.
For example, let take the PECS for children with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). We say that "they are photos".
The root basics of PECS is that it is visual, with pictures. But if a child understands better pictograms than photos, be it, there is no drama. The only key point is that the person understands the picture and can use it with people around her. The root basics is using a picture exchange for communication. As we say in French, we say "all the rest is only literature", meaning that it does not break the boat if one person has the word under the picture and the other person does not have the word under.
The most important is the basics, and I won't emphasize enough on them. The rest is not a drama.

Diagnosis are different, but they can share common points.
Self help does not have to relay only on persons with identical diagnosis. A diagnosis helps, but it does not do everything. And we don't have to prevent ourselves from using tips which work with persons with, let say FASD or Prader-Willi syndrome only because "my child does not have this diagnosis".
A diagnosis is not all our identity, it's not our child identity. It explain issues, or better, a group of issues. But it's not an identity.
I may not have a diagnosis of Borderline (BPD) myself, sure. But we can share similarities despite different diagnosis.

What I noticed is that with persons with mental health conditions, the basics are the same : choosing our battles, understandable informations, baby steps and a lot of patience.
My mom is by no means a professional : she is a mom like you are moms, and I am her daughter.
However, she learnt the harsh way about picking up the battles, baby steps and a great deal of patience. It was not easy for both (not only for me, not only for her). So, yes, she implements the advice I give to other parents with difficult child, because I am a difficult child myself. And if you carefully read, they are exactly the same advice you exchange one another here.
Of course, some points won't work for me or for someone else. Of course, if a child understands better colors than time frame, giving him a piece of info in time frame goes nowhere, because it's not understandable. If a child does not hear + has sensory issues and you want him to go to a birthday party and having him to stay during all the birthday party, no wonder a meltdown will happen some time.

What I say is not much a "professional advice", as I am not a professional myself, nor is my mommy.
It is more something what worked with me and what didn't. It does not absolutely prevent comment sense at all.

I was asking what do you fear of losing when a person speaks from a different perspective not much because I was offended, but it is what I perceived from you. I apologize if I am wrong.
I can also be wrong, I don't aim any more for perfection.

 

[Giulia]

Guilla, my problem is you are not explaining ADHD...not, at least, to an American or Canadian. You have a lot of issues you need to resolve yourself. I was a difficult child too, trust me, many of us were. It IS different after you have had kids.

I don't claim to explain ADHD. And I don't say that my only issue is ADHD.

I don't claim to give "miracle help". And I already help myself and receive help, not the one you may expect, but still.
I help with giving my own insight, and it's already something. It's not a mracle help, but it is something.

In the US, your diagnosis would not be a simple ADHD diagnosis and I'm not sure you can help us. There is more going on in your life than ADHD. But there are boards where YOU can get help and support. Before you can help us, in my opinion you need to help yourself. I say that as somebody who also had to get a lot of help before I could help anyone else too!

You focus only on ADHD, but I don't have only ADHD and I never claimed to have absolutely only ADHD. I already told in my sig line that I also have a Single Sided Deafness and no, SSD issues along with ADHD issues are not mild.
You may be astonished that I don't have more neuropsychologist diagnosis to add. Hearing issues can mimic neuropsychologist issues, and you know it as well as I know.
And a serious psychiatrist will take account of the hearing impairment, and not trying to add other diagnosis at all costs just "because it seems there are other neuropsychologist diagnosis" whereas there is a general medical condition to explain the problem. Sorry, but a hearing impairment is not something you can dismiss just because "it's atypical" or "it does not carry many issues when it's on one side". I wish it was different, that I had a more "classic stuff", but I don't and I have to do with it.
If a ADHD coupled with a hearing impairment, a Maths Learning Disability (LD) and sensory issues is not enough for you, then I am sorry, but I cannot do any better.


I know I have my issues to solve, but I solve them with the help and support I have around me. Ok, it's not the way you would try to solve them, but it is what it is and it does work. We all have issues to solve in our life, all life long.

 

[BusynMember]

Well, hon, if it helps you to post here, that's fine. I was trying to direct you to a site that may help you. I am not sure you can help us, but I only speak for myself. Maybe in some way posting here helps you. And that is a good thing.

 

[Giulia]

It helps me to help other persons.

 

[DaisyFace]

You think that it seems unrealistic advice. I know that when you read it, the task seems daunting. But it's just a way you perceive the problem, because actually, mommy implemented what I said. I am not a parent, but mommy implemented the same methods I suggest.

I don't think that "unrealistic" is the correct word here....probably "overly simplistic" is more accurate. Usually, parents try the basics first - but when dealing with a difficult child, the basics fly right out the window!

The other struggle parents face is not so much how to get through the day (although that itself can sometimes be overwhelming!) - but how best to guide a struggling child to be a successful adult. IOW - if my only goal is keeping my difficult child calm and happy - I know exactly how to do that. No expectations - few rules - let her be 'right' in everything - praise for small efforts - etc.
But in the long run - is that approach really helping my child?

Ultimately, we all want our children to "launch". Leave the nest, pursue a career, raise a family - and be happy and healthy and successful.

But if the child cannot manage simple tasks - what does one do?

 

[DaisyFace]

What I noticed is that with persons with mental health conditions, the basics are the same : choosing our battles, understandable informations, baby steps and a lot of patience.
My mom is by no means a professional : she is a mom like you are moms, and I am her daughter.
However, she learnt the harsh way about picking up the battles, baby steps and a great deal of patience. It was not easy for both (not only for me, not only for her). So, yes, she implements the advice I give to other parents with difficult child, because I am a difficult child myself. And if you carefully read, they are exactly the same advice you exchange one another here.

What I say is not much a "professional advice", as I am not a professional myself, nor is my mommy.
It is more something what worked with me and what didn't. It does not absolutely prevent comment sense at all.

I think it would be more helpful if you could explain how X, Y, or Z helped you to SUCCEED....or helped solve a specific problem you were having.

Instead, it sounds as though you are telling us how your Mommy was able to "cope" with difficult behaviors - but I am not sure the behaviors were "solved" or "resolved" with her methods.

 

[Giulia]

Well, it was her methods to manage my difficult behavior.
It was not "solved", but it made them much more manageable.

 

[BusynMember]

My son with autism is going to work (starting this summer) and eventually have his own apartment. He may need some outside help, but my goal (and I think most of our goals) is that our children leave the nest and work and be as independent as possible. And he wants these things too, but, even if he did not, he would have to do them.

Just living at home with us and not working at all or not making progress is not acceptable to us and, fortunately, not to him. Yes, he has many challenges, but we (his parents) can not live forever and he needs to help himself as much as he can with our love and support. But he has to go face the world (albeit with some assistance) and feel worthwhile.

I feel most of us do a good job with our kids, even with their challenges.

 

[NotSureAnymore]

Thank you everyone for your replies... It's great to hear I'm not the only one, for years our life has been like this and it seems to be getting worse.... Infact, it actually feels like the diagnoses has given her license to act up even worse.. Things were terrible before, but now they're unbearable, I wake up everyday on eggshells wondering what mood she's gonna be in, at what point in the day today is she completely going to ruin it all. Hubby and I actually spent the day out shopping, visiting friends and eating out, just so we didn't have to be around her on our only day off. I feel so guilty about the way I feel, but what I feel is very real and I can't get my old feelings for her back even tho I try very hard. I find myself avoiding her at all costs which I think is a coping mechanism, but even when I'm away from her and I know she's in a depressive mood, it seems to be all I think about while I'm gone. It sounds so weird but I think her mood swings and depression is making me depressed also.
She goes back to the doctor in a week, I will have to ask him to change her medications, or even increase the dose... I will contact her therapist to see what methods he using to treat her, when I spoke to him he wasn't very clear but he did say he was going to try and change the way she thinks and see's things?
Keeping my fingers crossed that things improve soon, and thank you all for your input, it helps a lot.
I will post more as more happens

 

[lovelyboy]

NSA......I agree with you.....reading your post I get the feeling that you feel the situation is out of contol? This increase the anxiety.....?Dont feel guilty for enjoying time with hubby and wanting some space to just relax.....this is maybe also part of the interaction with your child.....? That she makes you feel guilty about having time for yourself....see it for that and dont feel guilty...Dont be to hard on yourself for loosing that loving feeling....think some of us have been there, more than once! Just realize....if you start feeling more caring and some love from your daughter....when things get better....that love will come back......I fully agree.....we still love our difficult children but it is like defencemeganism to protect ourselves from getting hurt.....and to be honest...it isnt nice being around a hostile person!!!!Yes....you might need some medications for yourself! My sons psychiatrist put me on very low dose of antidepressant, to help me with my own emotions from having a tuff time with him....It really did us all wonders....I dont feel as if I have PMS all the time! My fuse is a bit longer and I actually feel like getting up in the mornings!I do think you must try and get a 'teamleader' for your situation.....some one who makes the treatment decisions, help the family with some familytherapy and monitor her medications and the other family members wellbeing? Maybe the psychiatrist can take this role? Just to give you a bit of a feeling of being in control of the situation? Hang in there! We are thinking of you!