Long Night

[pasajes4]

Son was released from the mental hospital last night. He wanted the clothes that he left on the porch when he broke my door down. They were not there. I thought he had come back and taken them, I guess the contractor fixing my door thought it was a bag of trash and threw them out. He decided I needed to take him to Wally world at 1 in the morning and buy him more clothes and then give him a ride downtown. I did not jump at the chance. He thought it would be a good idea to start screaming at me through the door, I called the police and he was finally given a paper that says he can not come back on my property.

Why do I feel so guilty? All he ever had to do was follow basic rules at home and be respectful. I feel so torn between this what he needs and he truly can''t make it on his own. He has no clothes, no money, no job, and not one true friend. I had 4 days of peace. I knew he was safe and he was fed.

 

[Littleboylost]

Pasa
There is nothing more heart breaking than this situation you are in. Sending you love and strength to endure.

You son can get help, food, clothes because that is the type of environment that surrounds him. He must choose to help himself. You must not allow him to abuse you and put you in danger. Guilt comes from love. You love your son that is most certain.

Huge hugs to you.

 

[pigless in VA]

I wouldn't have helped him either. The very least he could do would be to behave civilly if he wants your help. This is a bad situation of his choosing, not yours.

Hoping for peaceful days for you in the future.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I feel so torn between this what he needs and he truly can''t make it on his own. He has no clothes, no money, no job, and not one true friend.

And this is all due to choices HE has made and actions HE has taken. Pasa, you taught Special Education so you know better than most that mental health issues are no excuse for refusing to follow rules. I know it doesn't really make it easier but try to remember that he will only change when he wants to change. Your wanting it for him means nothing to him. His choices, his actions, HIS consequences, his life!

 

[pasajes4]

Jabber, Thank you for your imput. I needed that reminder. It was much easier at school. I was not emotionally attached. I need to practice what I preach and dig my heels in.

Pigless and Little, Thank you for your support. Without the wonderful warrior parents on this board, he would probably have wormed his way back in and I would be living in fear of the next reign of terror.

 

[Jabberwockey]

It was much easier at school. I was not emotionally attached. I need to practice what I preach and dig my heels in.

And that DOES make it a lot easier. Its always so much easier to remain objective when dealing with other peoples problems. Just hang in there and at us when you need to!

 

[pasajes4]

Jabeer, I have said it before. I will say it again. Lil is blessed to have you in her corner.

 

[Lil]

Oh Pasa I am so sorry for your pain.

The very least he could do would be to behave civilly if he wants your help.

This.

We teach them this as toddlers. Do you give them juice when they scream, "GIVE ME JUICE NOW!!!!!!!" or when they say, "I'd like some juice please"? I never once gave my son what he wanted when he was throwing a fit. When he was calm and asked nicely, then he got what he wanted. He still threw the fits.

They KNOW this. They KNOW what to do. This isn't just the rules of your house, it's the rules of the world! For some reason, some kids think that their parents are exempt from this behavior and should be screamed at. They aren't asking; they're extorting.

Jabeer, I have said it before. I will say it again. Lil is blessed to have you in her corner.

I completely agree.

 

[RN0441]

Pasa

Good grief I bet you wish those clothes didn't get thrown out. Ugh. Just seems like things like this happen at the worst times.

I agree that he cannot talk to you like that. Period. He is behaving like a toddler.

I am struggling with my own situation here too. Son being defiant about going to 13 month faith based program. My poor husband is having to deal with him and I know he is terribly stressed out over it all.

Hugs to you and all of us dealing with this terrible thing I call torture.

 

[BusynMember]

There is help for your son. You know that. You found that ranch for him. He sabataged it. There is SSI and he could qualify. That would bring him a caseworker, medicaid, and low income housing. Counseling too.

But he, and many of these adult kids, want US to take care of them, maybe as a punishment. It is insane.

Help is available for your son. He just doesnt want to do it himself. Or at all.

You cant let him in your house. He is dangerous. You did the right thing.

 

[Jabberwockey]

But he, and many of these adult kids, want US to take care of them, maybe as a punishment. It is insane.

I've NEVER been able to figure this out either. Screaming at us about how they are independent, we aren't their bosses, yada yada yada in one breath and in the next, begging us for help while blaming us for their mistakes all the while demanding that we fix the holes in the boat that are sinking it while they are steadily making holes faster than we could ever consider fixing them. Eh, whatever.

 

[Albatross]

I would not have helped him either, Pasa. You don't deserve that kind of treatment, and you have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm glad you have the order to keep him off the property. Focus on your peace now. Plenty of help is available for your son from other sources, if he learns to control his temper and ask for it.

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry you had to deal with him while he was acting like that. You never know what he would have done to you while he was ranting like that. The only safe choice you could have made that night was to call the cops.

This is an ugly tale, but there is a reason I am telling it.

Many years ago, in the town I live in, there was a mentally ill man I will call CB. He used to go to his mom and stepdad's trailer and often his behavior was erratic. He could not live with them for many of the reasons your son cannot live with you. Most of the time CB would just stand outside and yell at them about stuff, but sometimes he broke stuff. Then one day CB wanted money. He couldn't get anyone to give him an odd job that day to earn it because it was two days before payday. The 3rd time he went to his mom's trailer, she told him she would call the cops if he came back yelling and breaking things.

Sadly CB came back a 4th time. No one knew he had a gun. He went to the trailer and shot his mom because she wouldn't give him any money for beer. He ransacked her house to find any money or change. Then he went to his stepdad's work and shot a few other people. It turned into a big standoff in a field where CB had climbed up into a tree for some reason. The ordeal ended when CB shot himself.

I didn't make this up. I was in high school when this happened, but it left a HUGE impact on me. You just never know what one of our kids is going to do, and when they are that angry, it is better to let someone else handle them.

Your son is choosing to be where he is. He could choose to live in a comfortable dwelling. All he has to do is choose to follow rules. Basic ones that everyone else follows. He chooses to live rough, without a home. It is hard for you, but you need to figure out how to make it be less hard for you. The hardship has to be on him. Otherwise he won't change.

Is it just me, or does anyone else want to laugh when a difficult child goes on rant about how independent they are in one breath. Then in the next breath they tell you that you have to take them here and buy them this and provide the other thing for them. If they are so independent, why do we have to do anything for them? I asked Wiz about this once. He spluttered and stammered and told me I just didn't understand the meaning of true independence.

 

[BusynMember]

The "i am an adult!!!" Rings hollow as they try to force us to financially support them, like we did when they were thirteen. It is si ironic.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I'm sorry, Pasa. This is so rough, I know. Not much more I can say that others haven't said, but it made me think of something a psychiatrist said to me long ago. I told her I didn't understand how my child couldn't/wouldn't "do the right thing" when she had all the tools in front of her. The doctor's response was, "You're right, you've given her ALL the tools she needs. But she's tossing them aside, saying, "but I don't want those tools, I want THESE tools instead! Give me the tools *I* WANT!"

That's it in a nutshell, really.

I hope he'll get it, someday. In the meantime, stay safe.

 

[Sam3]

I'm sorry, Pasa. This is so rough, I know. Not much more I can say that others haven't said, but it made me think of something a psychiatrist said to me long ago. I told her I didn't understand how my child couldn't/wouldn't "do the right thing" when she had all the tools in front of her. The doctor's response was, "You're right, you've given her ALL the tools she needs. But she's tossing them aside, saying, "but I don't want those tools, I want THESE tools instead! Give me the tools *I* WANT!"

That's it in a nutshell, really.

I hope he'll get it, someday. In the meantime, stay safe.

I like that. If I ever feel inclined to provide more "reasoning," which I seriously doubt, it will be "the toolset we gave you works."

 

[Tanya M]

Why do I feel so guilty? All he ever had to do was follow basic rules at home and be respectful. I feel so torn between this what he needs and he truly can''t make it on his own. He has no clothes, no money, no job, and not one true friend. I had 4 days of peace. I knew he was safe and he was fed.

I think we mothers have an extra "guilt" gene in our dna makeup.

Pasa, you have nothing to feel guilty about at all. Here's the thing, lets just say you did take him to buy some clothes and whatever else he wanted. Who's to say that in a week he would lose those things. I went through this quite a few times with my son. He would lay on the pity party, I would cave and give in. Everything I have ever bought him he has lost, sold or claimed "stolen"
My son and your son are very similar; no job, no clothes, no money, no friends, etc.......
These are their choices. As for having friends, my son has complained about that before and I told him to have friends you have to be one. I told him he needs to be a friend to himself first.

I know how much it hurts, I've been there too many times!! I know when my son's sentence is done he will reach out wanting me to help him. He's already tried laying the manipulation ground work telling me in letter that when he gets out of jail he'll be homeless.
I reminded him that he was homeless before he got arrested! He'll by 37 when he get out.

Pasa, we cannot fix our children's lives. No amount of money we give them, or letting them live under our roofs will ever help them. They have to decide for themselves that they want to change the path of their lives.

We as parents need to live our own lives. I'm not getting any younger and I'm not going to waste my days worrying about something I have no control over and and cannot change.

You have done all you can for your son, now it's time to do for yourself.

((HUGS))

 

[Lil]

Here's the thing, lets just say you did take him to buy some clothes and whatever else he wanted. Who's to say that in a week he would lose those things.

Not only that...but I would lay odds that the scene didn't unfold with him calmly ringing the door and asking if she had the bag he left, and then, finding they were gone, politely asking if she would be willing to take him to Wal-Mart and buy more the next day. I'm seeing more of a "Where's my clothes!" "I need you to take me to get more!" "Why NOT!"
Am I close?

It's so often not what they ask for...but the WAY they ask...or demand...we do things.

 

[pasajes4]

Tanya, You are absolutely right. No matter how much I do it is not enough. Intellectually I get it. Emotianally I still struggle. It is getting easier to let go, because I am hopping mad and I am seeing him for who he has become. I don't like him not one tiny bit. He has become his father without having spent more than a few days with him here and there when he was a toddler.

Lil, You are spot on about how things transpired. Things just get better and better with this kid. He was given a no trespass order, and had the chutzpah to come back a day later in the middle of the night and leave a bag of clothes with a note, "Mom wash these for me and bring them to _____ house tomorrow before 10. Can you throw in a 20 so I can get some food?" Really
He is in for a rude surprise. Nothing registers with him but what he wants.

 

[KTMom91]

Wow. Just...wow.

Stay safe, Pasa.