Looking for some shared wisdom as period of no contact ends

[Echolette]

Cedar, Recovering, PJ4, Trinity,

thank you for checking in.

I sent him a message on FB inviting him to lunch..although I could see he read it almost right away he didn't respond for about 48 hours...that always gives me a rueful laugh, when I gear myself up for some kind of action and it then falls into a void without a sound.

He did call eventually. We agreed to lunch next Friday (a week from tomorrow). At first he was going to call in late to work to meet me this week, but I discouraged that (for heavens sake DON"T CALL IN LATE TO WORK!!!) So we will see. He was already talking about moving back out of the crack house...but he said the only place to go is under the bridge. And it is cold here now and going to be cold for 10 days. So I said...hmmm you might want to stay somewhere with a roof while this cold spell lasts.

Overall...fine. And the week pause feels good.

I've been quiet because SO and I have been at desperate odds. He is his own form of difficult child...both fantastically loving and supportive and fantastically awful, I'm gonna say related to his toxic childhood (but wait!!! maybe he is just a difficult child telling stories to new arrivals! maybe...maybe...it wasn't toxic at all? Maybe I am the wife and girlfriend others have talked about!!)

Anyway..he went bankrupt and lost his house over the last year. Now living with me, and I give him money to cover car, health insurance and some spending money, as I have for 4 months now. He is 8 years younger than I...46...not too long ago I was reading about some one's 40 something difficult child and I had the awful though...wow...if I were to post about SO in another guise, and call him my son...I suspect you would all tell me to cut him off!!!!!!

So struggling a lot with that, which is out of the purview of this forum..still, our other relationships are interesting...and, like recovering...SO was the first one to stand beside me (as he has for more than 4 years now) in dealing with difficult child, including driving me to NY to visit him at the much-storied Bellevue when he was involuntarily committed there for 6 weeks a few years ago...not many men, not many BOYFRIENDS would go there...so we shall keep struggling.

Thanks for checking in, I am still here, just exhausted.

Echo

 

[pasajes4]

I vote for my city. It is the home of the Alamo. The Alamo is smack dab in the middle of downtown. We can fight the good fight and then we can have dinner and drinks on the famous river walk. We don't have snow, hurricanes, earthquakes, and I don't recall but a very few minor tornadoes. Yep ya'll come on down.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Pasajes,

husband and I were in SA three years ago on a Road Scholar trip and had a great time. I'd love to return. : )


Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Echo, as I've begun awakening...husband isn't looking so good to me, either. Hero complex, and poor husband is just a person, like me. I try to hold steady, try to remember where I want to be. I remember that I am healing, and that what worked for husband and I in the past will need to change, as I do.

So far, we have been able to come back into accord, even into healthier accord.

So far.

In my experience so far Echo, I can't unsee something I have seen.

Getting healthy is about losing things that are not what we fooled ourselves into believing they were. Getting healthy is about seeking out, and throwing out, those pallid illusions of who we are and what we are about in this life for the real thing, for real life.

You are being rebirthed, Echo.

I am, too.

Sit with the feelings, acknowledge the feelings, ride that growing edge Brene Brown writes about with as much integrity as you know or can find, and all will be well.

I always feel so betrayed, when I realize what I've settled for.

The trick is in understanding we deserve those good things we did not choose before, and that the lesser things we put up with, the lesser things we called our lives and companions and careers, were never what we wanted, were never what we were entitled to, to begin with.

It's sort of a lonely place, for awhile.

I am exploring my life and time in a new way just lately. Just saying "yes" and seeing where it will take me. If you remember, Recovering went through something similar. There is loss, and it's sad. But once you see differently, you cannot just unsee it.

And our lives change.

And though it may not feel like it as we go through it, these are good and healthy changes.

Stronger, Echo. I feel so much stronger.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Good morning Echo. I agree with Cedar. Once we pop out of our delusion, once we make the huge step of detaching from our children, we begin to see more clearly in all other areas, all other relationships begin to change because we change.

Last year, two relationships I've had for over 40 years ended. I had grown to a point where I had changed so much the common ground we used to have did not exist anymore. My major thought process at the time was that if I can detach from my daughter, if I can set boundaries with her behavior, if I can love myself enough to speak my truth and not accept being treated in ways that harm me with the person I love the most in the world, then.............I can do that with ANYONE. The stage was now set for a lot of change.

It was like I woke up and started looking at everything very differently, with my new eyes I could see a lot that was hidden from me previously because I had always simply accepted what was offered to me without question. However, once my own self love had grown and my own internal shame had healed as a result of working through my deeply rooted enabling patterns, I was unwilling to accept quite a bit. I began asking for more, for support, for help, to be seen as someone who is worthy of love and support in a whole different way. It really has changed my life in very significant ways.

It was across the board too. It changed my relationships at work, with my SO and my granddaughter.......... my new found honesty and ability to set boundaries, my refusal to take on other peoples "stuff," my unwillingness to enable in any way I could see, shifted all my relationships and for the better too. It was bumpy at times, because WE change and that doesn't mean those around us want to change, but change has to happen because one person is just not willing to use the old script anymore.

What has happened for me with my SO, whom is relatively new to the scene so there wasn't a whole lot of patterning going on, was that as I voiced my new concerns, as I noticed pockets that needed change, we talked about it. I was very honest. It created more intimacy, more lightness and really strengthened our connection. Simply put, I was just more REAL, my own "fixed" identity was dissolving, making me more vulnerable, less armored, more available for connection.

Change is shaky for all of us, staying the same is just not going to happen, especially as we make these massive changes with our own children..........it's going to impact the rest of our lives in ways we did not anticipate. However, we can make these changes and for those around us who are willing to grow, heal and have the willingness to risk the uncertainty and the chaos and the shifting ground we stand on we can all find a new frontier together. And, for those unwilling to change with us, unfortunately, they will either take themselves out or we will remove ourselves from those connections. As I read once, "we are constantly weeding our spiritual garden."

Like most of us here Echo, you are in the throes of a big life transition precipitated by your decision to detach from your son. It's a bumpy ride. We're all on that ride, so you're not alone...........we're here for you...............

 

[Childofmine]

How are you Echo? Gentle hugs and prayers for you today.

 

[Echolette]

Hero complex

Yes, my SO also has a hero complex ( think that is what you meant). That is why I was attracted to him in the first place...some one to take care of me.

In my experience so far Echo, I can't unsee something I have seen.

That is both true and untrue for me. I can't unsee what was seen but it is extraordinarily easy for me to unlearn what was learned. With my best therapist, the one who guided me through the most personal growth...I had to write things down because I would COMPLETELY FORGET THEM. IT was an extraordinary defense mechanism I had against getting out of my dysfunctional-but-safe-because-familiar place.

And yet...once I've seen, the see-ee is tarnished for good..

Getting healthy is about losing things that are not what we fooled ourselves into believing they were.

That is really really really good and useful to me.

ride that growing edge Brene Brown writes about

I need some guidance about how to access Brene Brown...I never heard of her before these pages. Where should I start?

I always feel so betrayed, when I realize what I've settled for.

I always feel stupid, paralyzed, and immediately start coming up with reasons that now that I have settled (so stupidly) I have to live with what I created. BEcause...what if I make the other person uncomfortable or angry? that would be wrong, right?

if I can detach from my daughter, if I can set boundaries with her behavior, if I can love myself enough to speak my truth and not accept being treated in ways that harm me with the person I love the most in the world, then.............I can do that with ANYONE. The stage was now set for a lot of change.

That may be the most powerful statement of all. I need to hold that front and center. I have done it (or am doing it) with my sweet David, my oldest son...surely that hard learned lesson must be applied all around.

Last year, two relationships I've had for over 40 years ended

I remember you writing about this. I understood both the sadness and the relief.

Cedar, Recovering, both of you are very right about how detaching from difficult child's helps us see all relationships differently. I would venture to say I have not newly engaged in a bad relationship since I started learning from difficult child...it is the old one's I have already become entrenched in that are giving me trouble...even they are better...but uprooting is hard, and letting go of people I love and who are part of the fabric of my life may be beyond me...difficult child had already separated himself from day to day...or I guess I had done that by sending him to wilderness treatment, and therapeutic boarding school...but I didn't have to remove him from my life, I had to figure out new ways of thinking and feeling about him, and reacting to him. It was much more an internal process. These other relationships will actually take action.

Hmm. Much to brood upon. Maybe Brene can help!

Hugs to both of you,

Echo

 

[recoveringenabler]

Echo, Brene Brown can be accessed on Youtube, just punch her name in and all of her talks will come up. The Ted talk on shame and vulnerability is terrific. She also has a number of books as well. She has helped me enormously and I think she is on the cutting edge of the research on human connection, shame, courage, vulnerability and intimacy. I think you will enjoy her.

I hope you have a peaceful day Echo...........hugs to you too.