Magical Thinking
- Thread starter Albatross
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Albatross
Well-Known Member
What's the deal with bridges? Living under them seems to be very popular with our difficult children.
My difficult child is about 1000 miles from home, no car, no bike, no $, no food. Texted that he found a bed in a shelter, then posted on FB that panhandling and staying under the bridge was too good to resist, so left the shelter, panhandled some $, got some beers, and has been posting photos of himself on FB looking more and more wasted for the past few days.
So sad to see his deterioration on a daily basis, to see his 20-something friends "like" his blurry eyes and sticky hair and joke about how he looks like he hasn't slept in days. So sad to see him playing for their approval. So sad to see him offering it up, selfies of himself looking thinner and thinner, more and more blurry-eyed and sallow, less and less likely to be able to get a job or even hitch a ride.
My difficult child is about 1000 miles from home, no car, no bike, no $, no food. Texted that he found a bed in a shelter, then posted on FB that panhandling and staying under the bridge was too good to resist, so left the shelter, panhandled some $, got some beers, and has been posting photos of himself on FB looking more and more wasted for the past few days.
So sad to see his deterioration on a daily basis, to see his 20-something friends "like" his blurry eyes and sticky hair and joke about how he looks like he hasn't slept in days. So sad to see him playing for their approval. So sad to see him offering it up, selfies of himself looking thinner and thinner, more and more blurry-eyed and sallow, less and less likely to be able to get a job or even hitch a ride.
Echolette
Well-Known Member
Alb,
I am sorry to hear this update, and for your mood change that follows it. Maybe....bike rides are long! Those hikers on the Appalachian Trail stop sometimes for a few days too...kick back, have a few drinks, take a break from their travels. Maybe this is his parallel. It is pretty amazing that he made it as far as he did!
And those young adults are dumb. Even my easy child daughter, a senior in college with all kinds of honors, responsible and mature, posts stupid pictures sometimes of herself where I swear she looks like a crack w---e. Skirt, up, leaning against a wall on a city sidewalk...her friends love them.
They don't see what we see.
I suspect he will up and move on after a bit. In the meantime...try not to let your mood depend on the quality of his fb posts. I know...I check difficult child's facebook from time to time too...but try to at least stretch out the intervals.
Hugs for you, mama. Its hard, but you are OK.
Echo
I am sorry to hear this update, and for your mood change that follows it. Maybe....bike rides are long! Those hikers on the Appalachian Trail stop sometimes for a few days too...kick back, have a few drinks, take a break from their travels. Maybe this is his parallel. It is pretty amazing that he made it as far as he did!
And those young adults are dumb. Even my easy child daughter, a senior in college with all kinds of honors, responsible and mature, posts stupid pictures sometimes of herself where I swear she looks like a crack w---e. Skirt, up, leaning against a wall on a city sidewalk...her friends love them.
They don't see what we see.
I suspect he will up and move on after a bit. In the meantime...try not to let your mood depend on the quality of his fb posts. I know...I check difficult child's facebook from time to time too...but try to at least stretch out the intervals.
Hugs for you, mama. Its hard, but you are OK.
Echo
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
This comforted me:
This is your child's Hero's Journey. This way of learning what he or she is here to learn is his choice, and maybe even his obligation.
He is learning.
He is courageously exploring.
That does not mean you (or I) need to change. Accepting the Hero's Journey does not mean approving the nature of the journey or the learning.
That helped me, Albatross, to see it that way.
You are his mother.
He will listen to you, whether this seems to be true, or not.
Take that on faith, and advise him wisely when you can. Pray for him, believe in him.
That is all you can do.
Better for him to be actively pursuing a thing to its conclusion than to be fighting small battles long after the time he needs to be making his mark as a man in the world.
You can do this, Albatross.
It is different than what we thought life would be.
But we are all right here. We know what this feels like.
We know you suffer, and we know you can and will come through it.
We are right here.
Cedar
This is your child's Hero's Journey. This way of learning what he or she is here to learn is his choice, and maybe even his obligation.
He is learning.
He is courageously exploring.
That does not mean you (or I) need to change. Accepting the Hero's Journey does not mean approving the nature of the journey or the learning.
That helped me, Albatross, to see it that way.
You are his mother.
He will listen to you, whether this seems to be true, or not.
Take that on faith, and advise him wisely when you can. Pray for him, believe in him.
That is all you can do.
Better for him to be actively pursuing a thing to its conclusion than to be fighting small battles long after the time he needs to be making his mark as a man in the world.
You can do this, Albatross.
It is different than what we thought life would be.
But we are all right here. We know what this feels like.
We know you suffer, and we know you can and will come through it.
We are right here.
Cedar
Aimless
New Member
I guess he is going to find out where the proverbial "rubber meets the road" for real!
I, too, am actually pretty jealous and enchanted with the idea of taking off and wandering around off the grid, where ever the current takes me. My 23 yr old cousin did the same journey to CA from Wisconsin, last year, in the dead of winter, because my aunt and uncle would not allow him to grow, sell or smoke anymore pot in their house. He hit the road without a jacket, money or even a cell phone... taking only his trusty half pound bag of weed, and made it! He has a job in Silicon Valley now and I'm guessing he did a lot of growing up along the way.
Praying that his adventure is all he hopes and dreams it will be!
I, too, am actually pretty jealous and enchanted with the idea of taking off and wandering around off the grid, where ever the current takes me. My 23 yr old cousin did the same journey to CA from Wisconsin, last year, in the dead of winter, because my aunt and uncle would not allow him to grow, sell or smoke anymore pot in their house. He hit the road without a jacket, money or even a cell phone... taking only his trusty half pound bag of weed, and made it! He has a job in Silicon Valley now and I'm guessing he did a lot of growing up along the way.
Praying that his adventure is all he hopes and dreams it will be!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Albatross, remember, now he HAS to take care of himself. His choice too. So many good things can come of that. Sure, bad stuff can happen, but bad things can happen in your own front yard.
Here's hoping for a growing up experience for your beloved son!
Here's hoping for a growing up experience for your beloved son!
Albatross
Well-Known Member
Thank you, MWM. I agree 100% and husband and I are staying strong on that point. I have to say, he has not asked or hinted for any help. He has mortified us with his drunken FB posts, but that happens in our front yard too. Today he evidently got a ride out of New Orleans, headed north and then west. No details on how or with who. husband and I agree we probably don't want to know...
Lil
Well-Known Member
With the weather being what it is...I think I'd stay in New Orleans! I've never understood why homeless people don't flock to the south like geese. If I were homeless, I'd at least want to be homeless someplace warm!
In all seriousness, he's not asking for help and he's not behaving any worse than he did at home. He's keeping in touch. These are all positive. Sure it would be better if he got a job and a house and went to AA, but all in all, maybe this adventure will be good for him.
In all seriousness, he's not asking for help and he's not behaving any worse than he did at home. He's keeping in touch. These are all positive. Sure it would be better if he got a job and a house and went to AA, but all in all, maybe this adventure will be good for him.
Albatross
Well-Known Member
Let's hope so! Part of me is pretty amazed, that he can just do this with no resources. It's not the way I'd do it, and I don't approve of some of the ways he makes ends meet. But he's still out there, he's doing it himself, and that's really something.
He called Saturday and left a message, that he was fine, calling to say hi, hoping to continue heading west.
So that was all very good.
He got an offer from one of those well-meaning friends (actually, former girlfriend's mother) to buy him a bus ticket out to California, where she can supposedly get him a job working with former girlfriend and her new boyfriend.
girlfriend and difficult child were a very bad mix, lots of drugs and high drama and jealousy.
I think this offer is a very bad idea.
Actually, I'm kind of perplexed why she would even make such an offer. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?!?
But everybody is a grownup here, so I will just keep out of it, now and later, if need be.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
I am glad he called.
I have been thinking about you.
In a way, your son is making his way in the world in the way he was determined to do it. This is the way the middle of the story looks, when the kids insist on doing it their way. This is not the way you sacrificed to make possible for him, and for sure, this is not the way you thought it would look.
This is the middle of the story.
Who could ever say why the kids insist on taking these paths when the other, easier path, the path we worked so hard to make available, is right there in front of them?
I suppose we have to take what comfort we can in knowing that what is happening now is a better thing than what would be happening now if you had been forced to push difficult child out and then, have him be doing what he is doing right in your town, right in your neighborhood, right in your face.
That would pretty much guarantee that no true growth would occur for him. He would always be torturing you with what you needed to do for him, instead of picking himself up and learning self reliance.
So, given the crumminess of this, that's something positive.
He called.
He is fine.
He loves you.
He is growing.
So are you.
I'm sorry for the hurt of it, for the worry and the sleeplessness.
Cedar
Panhandling is part of the culture. They don't see it the way we see it. difficult child daughter tells this story: She was panhandling in the morning, like they all panhandle once the sun is up and the tourists are out and about. (difficult child called this her morning routine!!! THEY ALL DO IT. Then, they gather in the afternoon (after the evening meal for the homeless) and drink and eat and share what they have. The next day, they do it all again.) ***Disclaimer*** difficult child daughter played violin, took ballet classes, writes beautifully. SHE STILL DID THIS.
Here is a funny story I already told, but I will post it again. So, difficult child was talking to this older homeless lady. And the lady was commenting on how, the night before, she had looked to her left and seen a couple in a knock down, drag out.
She looked to her right, and saw the same thing.
She turned around, and there were my difficult child and the current homeless, abusive male battling away.
The old woman's take on things?
"I need a man."
:O)
***
Anyway, difficult child concocted a story and asked a woman tourist for money. As the woman was preparing to give difficult child daughter money, the man she was with reached out, covered the woman's hand with his own and said, "Don't encourage the beggars, dear."
difficult child was highly incensed to have been called a beggar.
Somehow, they see it as sharing. They also share what they have with one another.
It's the strangest thing.
Holding your son in my thoughts and prayers, Albatross. I think he is going to be just fine. It's actually quite an accomplishment to travel 1,000 miles with nothing and still be keeping body and soul together and managing to post on FB.
And even, call home.
Quite the strong, determined character, your boy.
Cedar
I always tell both my kids that they will take their lives just as far in the other (positive, to my way of seeing) direction, when they are ready to do that.
I think that makes it easier for them to come back, to see things that way.
And both my kids actually do come back. difficult child daughter had every single thing a person could want. Preparation for her Master's was in the air. But then, she would talk about how dull it was too, about how pointless it seemed, to go to work every day to buy stocks or furniture or gas to get to work to do it all again. difficult child son...I don't even know what to think, about him and money.
It's almost like they do it on purpose.
It's really hard to be the mom of these kinds of kids.
Maybe, these are the characteristics of the heroes of the future. You would have to be pretty brave and loving that edgy place to zip around the Universe in spaceships held together with chewing gum, saving the damsel and a mulitplicity of worlds.
It could happen.
Remember the bar scene in Star Wars?
Tell me that wasn't a passel of difficult children.
nlj
Well-Known Member
Yes Cedar. Your posts always give me the strength to carry on. It is the middle of the story. Let's hope it has a happy ending. Most stories do. It's hard writing the first chapter though and then have someone else write the rest and take the story in a direction we never intended.
You sound better Albie. Remember when we didn't believe he would make it to the end of the driveway? He is doing his life, his way. And, you are moving to acceptance of it. I think that is the progression we take through this strange universe we live in..........it probably doesn't feel like it, but you are doing quite well.......and so is he.........if we remove our expectations and accept what is in front of us.........it's all okay, it is what it is. Acknowledge your progression Albie, I think it's important to recognize how far we really do move, so we can focus on what's working.......rather then what is not working. Good work!
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BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I don't know how your son is doing it. I was never adventurous enough to take those kinds of chances. But he is finding a way to make it a success. It's a growing experience for him, a step along his pathway of life.
The begging IS seen as different by those who tend to live nomadic lives. It is just another way to make money and, really, it isn't stealing. People are giving money to them of their own accord. Just another roll-our-eye-moment with our difficult children. They don't think like us and we don't think like them, but we love them anyway...lol
Good for him for his survival skills!!!
The begging IS seen as different by those who tend to live nomadic lives. It is just another way to make money and, really, it isn't stealing. People are giving money to them of their own accord. Just another roll-our-eye-moment with our difficult children. They don't think like us and we don't think like them, but we love them anyway...lol
Good for him for his survival skills!!!
Albatross
Well-Known Member
difficult child called us yesterday and left a message. He is still in the same spot. In the space of a few days he has changed his story from enrolling in truck driving school to getting a job in a nearby town to hitching back our way to attend college...and now he says he is going to California Monday via bus ticket purchased by his former girlfriend's mother, where he has a job waiting for him. His stories tend to bounce around a lot when he's on something.
The thing is, I can feel myself caring less and less about it all, and I'm trying to decide if that's a good or a bad thing. I feel sorry for him because he is a prisoner of his addiction. But if he doesn't care...what's for me to care about?
I'm in a very strange place right now, emotionally. Detached and detaching more, but wondering if I should feel bad about that. I don't feel bad, really. I just feel kind of...resigned to it all.
The thing is, I can feel myself caring less and less about it all, and I'm trying to decide if that's a good or a bad thing. I feel sorry for him because he is a prisoner of his addiction. But if he doesn't care...what's for me to care about?
I'm in a very strange place right now, emotionally. Detached and detaching more, but wondering if I should feel bad about that. I don't feel bad, really. I just feel kind of...resigned to it all.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
There is a story in which Stephen King describes pain as a thing that comes in waves. When we are overwhelmed, when the things that are happening are so unbelievable, when we don't know how to respond, we go numb to external stimuli.
Beneath the cares of everyday, more real to us than the cares of everyday, we develop a relationship with our own pain.
And so, we learn a kind of courage.
Know that I am holding you in my thoughts and prayers this morning, Albatross. I wondered where your son was, and how the holidays were for you and for husband. It was helpful to me to read Maya Angelou. Reading her can teach us to choose sincerity and honor in relation to our pain, can teach us how to put one slow foot in front of the other and keep going, keep functioning, keep seeing and hearing over the steady beat of the pain of it. There is a way through this; there is a permeable, almost invisible barrier; there is a time when you will be on the other side of it.
There was a time when I was desperate to know whether I would always be trapped where I was, then.
I learned I could move through that strange landscape.
And I did, and I left it behind.
Cedar
Beneath the cares of everyday, more real to us than the cares of everyday, we develop a relationship with our own pain.
And so, we learn a kind of courage.
Know that I am holding you in my thoughts and prayers this morning, Albatross. I wondered where your son was, and how the holidays were for you and for husband. It was helpful to me to read Maya Angelou. Reading her can teach us to choose sincerity and honor in relation to our pain, can teach us how to put one slow foot in front of the other and keep going, keep functioning, keep seeing and hearing over the steady beat of the pain of it. There is a way through this; there is a permeable, almost invisible barrier; there is a time when you will be on the other side of it.
There was a time when I was desperate to know whether I would always be trapped where I was, then.
I learned I could move through that strange landscape.
And I did, and I left it behind.
Cedar
Albatross
Well-Known Member
Thank you much, Cedar and Lucy. He called again today and talked first to husband, then to me, to tell us that his friends he was living with in an abandoned house stole his backpack with everything he owns (except his phone), that he can't go to California without his clothes, that he has nowhere to go, no one to trust, on and on.
husband made the appropriate clucking sympathy noises and suggested he go to a homeless shelter and see if he could get some clothes. Nope, that won't work, because this particular major city is evidently the only one in the country that has no shelters. "OK, well, I don't know then, but I wish you luck" said husband.
Then difficult child asked to talk to me and told me the same story. I made the same sympathy noises and suggested he look around to find some of those friends, that they are probably nearby since they are homeless too, that maybe there is an explanation. Nope, that won't work because these are not nice people, he should never have trusted them, etc.
OK then, I suggested he go to a Goodwill after hours, when people leave stuff at the back door, and grab some clothes (which is what he always does to avoid doing laundry). Nope, that won't work. Evidently this particular major city also is the only one that has no Goodwills.
"OK, well, I don't know then, but I wish you luck" I said.
Then difficult child said he saw one of the people he has been living with and it looked like she had his backpack and he had to go.
Problem solved. Sheesh.
And it IS such a strange landscape, and the view just keeps on changing.
But I am so very grateful for this site and for the smart folks around here who model not buying into the BS.
husband made the appropriate clucking sympathy noises and suggested he go to a homeless shelter and see if he could get some clothes. Nope, that won't work, because this particular major city is evidently the only one in the country that has no shelters. "OK, well, I don't know then, but I wish you luck" said husband.
Then difficult child asked to talk to me and told me the same story. I made the same sympathy noises and suggested he look around to find some of those friends, that they are probably nearby since they are homeless too, that maybe there is an explanation. Nope, that won't work because these are not nice people, he should never have trusted them, etc.
OK then, I suggested he go to a Goodwill after hours, when people leave stuff at the back door, and grab some clothes (which is what he always does to avoid doing laundry). Nope, that won't work. Evidently this particular major city also is the only one that has no Goodwills.
"OK, well, I don't know then, but I wish you luck" I said.
Then difficult child said he saw one of the people he has been living with and it looked like she had his backpack and he had to go.
Problem solved. Sheesh.
And it IS such a strange landscape, and the view just keeps on changing.
But I am so very grateful for this site and for the smart folks around here who model not buying into the BS.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
This is what I think I know. Whatever my response has been ~ and I have been able to change my tone very much, since being back on this site ~ difficult child son will work that into his next...I don't want to say attack really, but it does feel like he employs an "attack" strategy. Wherever I think I am protected, he finds another area where I am not protected. It is such a hard thing to be that mother I know now that I need to be. Sometimes, I repeat the things I have written down for myself by rote. You would think I would be able to do what MWM does and gently let him go.
Maybe that is where I am going, next.
I just wanted you to know that I know how hard it was to speak those words you intended to say to your son.
It doesn't feel much like courage, when we say those words, but it is.
You did great.
Small steps are still steps.
Cedar
Maybe that is where I am going, next.
I just wanted you to know that I know how hard it was to speak those words you intended to say to your son.
It doesn't feel much like courage, when we say those words, but it is.
You did great.
Small steps are still steps.
Cedar
