manipulation

[sooooo tired]

Well after telling my daughter that she cant move in with me, we have not spoken in a month now. She was living with her boyfriends dad, and he was kind of taken back when I told him she couldn't move in with me and said that he was giving her a place to stay because of his 3 year old grandson...Welllll I was told to pick up my grandson up at his older brothers house on Friday,(which I thought was odd that he would be there)and then called his grandpa at 5 o'clock on Saturday to see if I should bring him back there or what? He said....you must not know what is going on, he proceeds to tell me that my daughter went off on him and said alot of nasty things, then when he got up the next morning they had packed all their stuff and had left! so I called the older brother and he said they were all at his house. so I went there and no one was home. I was upset because I had plans for the evening. So I waited till 5:30 and they finally pulled up, they had gone fishing!!! nice of them to let me know. So I got my grandson out of the car. gave him kisses, told him I loved him and sadly sent him back to his dysfunctional life. My daughter just stood there, with cigarette in hand, but would not look at me!! Now the best part is that the two older grandsons live in a trailer! Now there are going to be 6 people living in that trailer and a dog, so the oldest grandson calls me and asks if him and his brother can move in with me!!!! I said no before he even finished his question!!! I am thinking his mom put him up to asking me that so they could stay in the trailer and get rid of the other two boys by pawning them off on me!!! WHY CANT THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really am at the point where I don't want to see or talk to her or her boyfriend ever I am sick of them trying anything they can just to get a free ride!!!

 

[4Tall]

Really tough for you. But I admire how you are keeping your needs clear, that you are Grandma and love your grandchildren, but won't take over parenting them just because your daughter is trying to force you to.

 

[Childofmine]

sooootired, you are doing great at sticking to your boundaries. The reason they keep on asking and asking is because WE TAUGHT THEM that if they just kept on, we would cave in. We taught them that over and over and over again.

Like my husband says: It took a long, long time to walk into the forest. It's going to take the same long, long time to walk out of it.

Keep that metaphor in mind.

We have to continue being consistent in order for them to understand that things have changed. We will no longer cave in when they keep on.

Usually, maintaining some good distance, meaning---let days go by when you don't see or talk to any of them. Let days and weeks and even months if necessary go by when you don't take or respond to their calls, texts, fb messages, anything.

You just go on and live your life and let them live theirs. I know you love your grandson and want to see him frequently but maybe, if you can detach like this for a while, they will have to step up their lives and become more responsible.

We so understand. Hang in there!

 

[BusynMember]

WHY CANT THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really am at the point where I don't want to see or talk to her or her boyfriend ever I am sick

You can't blame them for not leaving you alone. You know your daughter. She is treating strangers, like her boyfriend's father, the same crummy way she treats you. See? It's not personal. She does it to everybody. Don't take it personally.

The reason she won't leave you alone is because you won't set a boundary and insist. If you did not answer her messages or refuse to do her bidding, she would leave you alone. That is a decision you probably will make down the road. Whether or not you really want to do it yet, I don't know. As long as you are willing to be treated like garbage then do her favors, she will do just that. She is either just mean or has a personality disorder, with no intention of getting help. You can't and won't change her. She is the only one who can and I suspect she has to both be willing to admit something is "off" and be eager to go for help and work hard to do better.

The only thing you can do is change your own reaction to her. I know with the little grandson it is hard. But she won't let you have him as much as he needs for him to escape her dysfunction and legally you can't do anything. This is probably making you sleepless, sick, and unhealthy and you can't control it. I feel so badly for her kids, but they are stuck with her and will survivie. Her older ones did. Will they have problems? Probably. But there is nothing you can do except be there when you are offered grandson and make HER bring him to YOU. I would stop chasing her around, trying to figure out where she is living. Chances are good she will scream at this boyfriend and he will leave.

I will leave you with this article and a hug. It is a "Parent Bill of Rights" regarding abusive mentally ill adult children.

http://www.namichicago.org/documents/billofrights.pdf