Meeting people where they are

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Nomad, Dec 25, 2018.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I am shocked (should not of been) at how that family member has chosen to deal with the situation in which her MI child damaged my valuable guitar about a month ago.

    I’ve waited a month to hear something. She has not said a word to me about it nor anybody me in the family.

    Finally, found out her intention was to have the boy say something to me at a family Xmas gathering. She also had him write a note. Only we didn’t attend this gathering after all.

    Our son came over today for Xmas. He had a card from the mother and a note from the boy.

    He warned me that since the boy was oppositional he refused to admit he broke the guitar. (He was seen by an adult doing this). After getting caught, he then said he and my grandson broke it together. My grandson is much younger, and skinny and not hyper. This boy is older, troubled, larger and was literally SEEN doing it. It’s not to be believed. Additionally, this boy has been written up by teachers countless times for such incidents and Lying.

    He wrote a note saying he is sorry he and my grandson broke the guitar. (WTH?)

    Then she gave me a Xmas card with a small gc to a local store in it. No note about the guitar. A little note about Xmas and family.


    I’m more peeved than ever. Are millenials suffering from severe Social Learning Disability (LD)?I got a Christmas gift? And a bizarre apology from this disturbed child blaming my innocent grandson. A month late and at Xmas? WTH?

    I wanted a simple and sincere apology. Nothing more. It was a very special item to me...everyone who knows me knows this.

    But, I suppose I have to accept this women where she is. In the weeds as they say. Clueless. Brain dead. This might be as best as she can do. Her version of an apology. Maybe accept this is the best she has to offer. I somewhat accept this. It might be the best she can do. It’s a shame.


    When this Difficult Child really gets rolling...gets older....i shudder to think about it. I don’t see how she will be able to cope at all.

    As a side note...when our Difficult Child would misbehave I would make her write ten sentences. She might refuse or get mean. I would tell her it was now twenty. One time it went to 100. No tv, play time, friends, desserts etc any privileges until all were done. The most she ever did after that incident was 20. I don't know. We will see.

    It’s been s t r a n g e.
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2018
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I should add that the boys teachers complain very frequently when caught doing something wrong he blames the kid next to him and lies repeatedly.

    Last year when he broke the vase in front of someone after being warned not to touch it, he lied right to my face. apology from mom. A Xmas card and gc instead along with a disturbing note from the child. I guess this is the best they could offer. Truly.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Argh. Why not just get that kid out of your head?He is their problem, not yours.

    By the time he is well into his teens they are going to have their hands full! Yes, that is who the family is and they will regret not trying harder!
  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    The kid's mom is embarrassed and ashamed of his behavior. That is why she won't apologize to you. I don't know the amount of the gift card, but I would hope they reduced his allowance to help pay for it. I doubt they did. This kid shows a pattern of repeatedly doing this type of thing. I hate to say so, but he is going to end up in jail when he gets older if he doesn't change his behavior. He needs intervention and counseling. I don't think he's being raised in an environment where he is forced to take responsibility for his behavior. His parents know there is a major problem, but don't know how to handle it. I've seen kids like that at school, and some of them truly don't believe they did anything wrong.
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Crayloa...feel the same or at least very similar.

    The family dynamics are alarming.

    My daughter in law and this mother are joined at the hip.

    We are all extremely worried about this kid. The mom says he is a liar. One of the grandparents says he never shows remorse. Yet, the parents, my daughter in law and the “stronger” and more influential family members are not takingvit too seriously and this has led to some oddball issues.

    One of which was my guitar and it’s aftermath.

    On the good side, there was an event at my house semi planned for January. I never felt confident that the parents would do everything in their effort/power to properly supervise the child. I expressed this. Anyway, the event was moved elsewhere. Hip hip hurray! I’m sad but....not really.
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Just curious? Why so worried about this kid? Parents can be friends and one can have a problem child while the friends children are perfectly okay. Dont give it too much rental space in your head.
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    This post is about meeting people where they are.

    I suppose a simple thank you to the mom might be in order.

    This couple has caused much confusion in the family. Now their child seems to be. The mom and my daughter in law are almost inseparable. by the way, that upcoming event at my house was never Xmas. It was an event in January. longer to be held st my house.
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I agree. Just say thank you. You probably arent going to get more than you got.

    I hope you had a good Christmas!
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    Last edited: Dec 25, 2018
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Nomad. I agree with swot.

    The way you feel I would never again include this family in a gathering in my home. It seems clear they are toxic to you. You know that now. And you know that they do not seem receptive to learning. And you know that they collude with their child to lie and to scapegoat others. And you know they do not accept responsibility for what they damage, hurt or compromise and disrespect.

    That is enough to know about people, to stay away and make a rigid boundary.

    Personally knowing that the mother supported her child to lie and scapegoat my grandson, would in itself be enough for me.

    There are bad, ignorant, troubled, damaged people in the world. We do not have to be around them. We don't have to justify ourselves. We are not responsible to fix them or to work things out. No is enough.
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
    I forgot to mention an important and odd caveat. The mother handed the weird apology note (From her son) to my son to give to me. As she did it she said something like “this was the best we could do. The boy would not tell the truth. He is a liar. He lies constantly. This is what we have for his apology letter “

    No collusion.

    I would of made the child go without free time/ play time, dessert etc until he wrote it right. I don’t care if it took six months. But, that’s just me. And certainly called the parents in the mean time.

    But, I don’t want them here and am thrilled that JAN evnt ain’t here. I let it all hang out. Oops. Yes damaged and troubled. I felt almost gaslighted by my son. It’s nuts x a million.

    There was some strange arguing with my son re this and other things related to this bizarro family, but I think it is better now. Son, finally conceded that there are some strange happenings. Awkward as heck since this is his wife’s family. She is nice, but largely in denial re many of the issues in her family. She does, however, agree that the boy is probably MI, but the lying and lack of remorse is extra concerning.

    PS I’m playing some of this down. There were fireworks re this the other day. Shhhh

    A boundary is likely in order!!! Yes. Yes. Yes.
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2018
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Yes re needing a boundary here.

    A little awkward for two reasons:
    1. daughter in law worships this woman. Joined at the hip kinda thing.
    2. I have my own Difficult Child and at times I need family members to be patient with her oddities. Different ones, but they are very prevalent and often very annoying.
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think there was collusion by the mother. That letter was aggressive. Giving it to you was passive aggressive. Better NO letter than a lying, scapegoating letter. Better no compensation than a piddling gift certificate while you paid hundreds. Money is not the point. It's responsibility and respect

    Son is caught in the middle. He doesn't know what to do.

    You, nomad, gain nothing by making a big deal. *See orig. thread. You will lose.

    But that does not mean it is not a big deal.

    These people are an accident waiting to happen. Oh. It already happened?

    Nomad. I can't stop laughing about this:

    No collusion. (We have our own Russiagate.)
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Also thinking thinking thinking hmmmm
    Thank youuuuuuu
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    That mother stuck a knife in you. She absolved herself of all responsibility for her child and she empowered him to do harm. She herself delivered that blow as sure as day. And she used your son to deliver it.

    Your instincts are 100 percent on the money...but you doubt yourself, Nomad. We are alike that way. I don't know why we are this way.
  15. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Copa,,,, you are my new best friend.
  16. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Ok...I agre with everything you said.

    I don’t know what bothers me the most.

    One of the top things is empowering that child who is already mentally ill. She worsened a kid who is already sick. Potentially turning him into g-d knows what. G-d forgive me.
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Here's a hug. ((((X0)))
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    What I hate most is her downing her own kid to your son. As if to say his deficiencies have nothing to do with her. When she at the same time is to a large extent responsible for his behavior, curbing it and shielding others from same.
  19. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Some reasons this family keeps weighing heavily on me :
    1. daughter in law is ultra close to this sick woman
    2. Grandson really likes her sick son
    WTH wth wth wth wth wth
    3. People in the family rarely if ever speak up regarding the insanity of these two
    4. Very concerned that the boy is deeply and terribly ill and these off the wall parents are worsening an already concerning situation by not educating themselves etc
    5. I sometimes find myself in
    weird dilemmas as a direct result or as an indirect result of this mess

    #5I have been given a gift. One that I find inappropriate. Ughhhh
    I suppose I will wait a few days and text her and simply say thank you for the gc. Wishing you and your family well for the new year. I think the millennial s call this “adulting,” as if being responsible is something that one shouldn’t have to do...I don't know. I find these attitudes peculiar.

    Ok , I have gotten that off my chest and have a plan. Ugh.A huge thank you for all your help.
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2018
  20. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    In the future, I'm betting this kid will turn to your daughter in law after his parents stop paying his attorneys' fees and fines. Her money, not yours. I can see how that might cause friction between her and your son. If daughter in law is a very close friend of that family, I can see that happening. Before it comes to that, you need to prepare your son. All you can do is tell him to come up with a plan in advance to deal with this. Then, you have to stay out of it if he and his wife decide to help him out.