Meltdown

[sweetiegirlz]

So, difficult child got grounded yesterday for being disrespectful, not doing what I told her, and calling me names like retard. etc

We weren't even 2 days into the consequences which means no friends, no computer, only earned television and extra chores.

This morning I came home from work. I sat down in front of the computer to blog. A few minutes later difficult child awakes grumpy.

Her and I start to look at some things on a site together. We laugh and talk and have fun, just the two of us. I figured it was good for her to bond time without easy child around.

I turned the computer off, and was getting ready to sleep, when difficult child started trying to bargain her way out of her grounding.

"what am I going to do all day?" she whines....
ME:
"well you need to think about why you are grounded. It's not my job to entertain you"

HER: (revving up now) she's pacing getting Mad! It's your fault i'm grounded, she announces.

ME: No it's your being disrespectful etc.....

HER: Well, what am I supposed to do all day? (she often talks in circles like this) I'm gonna be bored...whine whine.

By this point she's raising her voice, another of her intimidation tactics.

the louder she talks the more I whisper. I realize that it can be done, on my part and I'm happy to have control of myself in this way.

After telling me she hates me and slamming her door. I go to her and explain that mommy is dead tired from nightshift and that she will not keep me awake with her whining and fits.

I go to my room and not even finished washing up yet when she barges in BAMS on my bathroom door and demands to know where MY eyelash comb is, to comb her eyelashes which are covered with MY mascara, that I told her NOT to put on! (I mean really)

She's yelling. waking up easy child. I tell her to get out of my room.

Next minute she barges in again, waking up easy child,

"I told you, (easy child) never to draw on my dry erase board! You're in trouble if I catch you doing it again I'm gonna slap you!"

At this point I am boiling mad but I don't lose it. I go to her room and explain to her that if she bothers me again for any reason, she will be dealt with. and that she is to stay in her room all day. PERIOD.

Well, isolation is what sets difficult child off the most. I no sooner laid down again than I hear this big BAM! against my door. She's screaming now, "I hate you, you're mean and ugly and stupid, and I hate you!"

I go into her room and smack her twice. She knows I am boiling over but is acting like i just stabbed and shot her. Screaming out of control now. I threaten to call the sherriff on her if shes not willing to calm down. NOW instead of staying just in her room, I make her lie in the bed.

I told her that if she bothers me again, I am going to have her azz!

I lay down next to easy child and soothe her by stroking her hair. difficult child is still raging on and on. Crying, screaming, telling me I hate you and I'm so mean etc.

I let her cry it out.
I tell easy child not to get up for a few minutes, her sister needs alone time.
Eventually she calms down.

I got to sleep all of 2 hours before difficult child awakens me. Her friend is in the house, and has been in the house while I am sleeping!!! AGAIN. Something I told difficult child over and over again NOOOOOOOO!!!.

? am I gonna go crazy before I can deal with my child's behavior?

Is the raging and all that part of ODD or just her manipulating me again.

 

[Chele]

I don't know much about ODD my 17 year old was just diagnosed with it this year. Still learning. I do know that ADHD and ODD are much of the same but ODD is worse. So, my vote it YES!!!!
She is raging, telling and having a fit to get you upset. To get attention. They live for the thrill of excitement and getting big reactions from their parents.
After about two years of this with my son, and I lived in an emotional mess and mad at him 90% of the time, I finally decided that I was not going to give him the satisfaction of getting a rise out of me. Plus, I hated to see how all the drama was affecting my 13 yr old easy child daughter. So, I just made sure that when I grounded him, I always left some additional items to ground him from if and when he started his fits. I changed my whole stratagy on grouding from a week to only a day or night. This was mainly because I couldn't stand being grounded myself and I needed to have leverage to take stuff away. TV, phone, easy child, Cell phone and of course social events. Try reading the book "123 Magic. It really helped us when the behavior got out of control.

Good luck

 

[timer lady]

Grounding, in my humble opinion, is always worse on the parent than on the child. Having said that, your difficult child is 11 y/o, probably 6 or 7 emotionally. If she is to be grounded you may well have to get some activities set out for her in her room.

Whether it be television (especially if you need sleep after a night shift), game boy, colors, dolls, whatever catches her interest for periods of time.

If kt or wm were grounded they were grounded at my side. That was the only way it worked. Being grounded at my side meant doing what I needed to do - cleaning the bathroom, sorting, folding laundry, making dinner, dishes, ect.

And they were grounded at my side because they could not tolerate being alone; had no clue how to self calm or amuse themselves.

I'm making no criticism here - I'm reminding you that your difficult child probably doesn't have the skills to be grounded & self amusing. It's a learning process that some of our difficult children never get.l

In the meantime, keep your cool. Walk away if you need to - a break in the bathroom. Whatever.

I'll be keeping you & yours in my thoughts.

 

[BusynMember]

Ok, a few questions and comments.
1/ Who diagnosed her and when was her last diagnosis? To me it sounds like more is going on than ADHD and ODD. Has she ever had a neuropsychologist evaluation?
2/ Are there mood disorders and/or substance abuse on either side of the family tree?
3/Is she on medications? If so, they aren't working. If not, maybe she needs medications, but I'm not convinced ADHD medications are "it" for her. I'd definitely get a new evaluation to be sure.

My first comment addresses the slapping. Yes, our kids make us crazy, but in my opinion slapping is about the worst reaction for these types of kids (or any kids) and it doesn't work. But it DOES fuel the kids and make them think hitting is ok. Slapping sounds like more than hitting. I'd try to see a therapist who can help you deal better when your kid puts you over-the-top. Since you were abused, it may seem mild to you that you slap your daughter, but it may not be mild at all--I think it's best not to slap/hit/hurt. It's too easy to reel out of control. (((Hugs and understanding, no condemnation)))
Secondly, if being alone sets her off, I wouldn't do it. Why make your life difficult? Obviously, she isn't going to listen anyways.
Buy "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene and use his methods until you have a good evaluation/diagnosis and she is stable. I'm not sure she can control herself from being so nasty. She could be so miserable that it comes out that way--certainly, she is at least as unhappy as you are. I have a mood disorder, and have all my life, and it's really a very hard thing to live with until you are on the right medications. Something isn't right with your child, and she probably won't get better until the treatment for her disorder (whatever it/they are) is being adequately taken care of. Right now, it's not. Whoever is treating her just isn't going in the right direction or is treating her for the wrong disorder. It's not YOUR fault--it's his professioanl's fault. You're a good mom, just trying your best with a difficult child. Good luck!

 

[sweetiegirlz]

Midwest, It's been awhile since her last diagnosis. She was 7. At the time she was seeing a clinical person and not an MD. Her new appointment is on Halloween with a Child Psychiatrist.

Her grandmother (my side) has a myriad of undiagnosed mental stuff going on. Her father was an alcoholic and even though she wasn't, she was a "dry" drunk who was bizarrely and severely abusive to me. Mood disorder would probably describe my mother pretty well.

Her grandfather on her dad's side is an alcoholic.

Her father is more than likely anxiety ridden for he is completely anal and also changes moods during high stress or interruption of his routine.

difficult child's moods resemble a "snowball" when she gets "rollin'" at some point everyone must jump out of the way! I hate to say that it got to this point.

I feel guilt all the time for inconsistencies in my parenting. I don't write here to get sympathy for myself, I am really trying to change my way of dealing with difficult child.

I love the great advice that I do get here.

Re: Me slapping her, (usually her leg) not her face or humiliating her. It is usually after 1002 buttons have been pushed of mine. I am only just recently learning how to control my voice, my words and my actions where I can help and not hinder the situation. Sometimes I fail.

Alot of times I fail.

difficult child currently is not on any medications. I wish I would've pursued this awhile back (years ago) but in my mind, kids who took medications were zombies.

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, it's been so long I think I'd have her re-evaluated. New stuff pops up when they get older. I personally like NeuroPsychs (did I say that in my last post? I dont remember...lol). She may have inherited some mental illness and perhaps if it's nailed down and treated right, the entire family situation will take a turn for the better.
None of us are consistent all the time! Take care :smile:

 

[susiestar]

I also think an evaluation is important. The child psychiatrist is a great step! Be sure to reward her for being honest with the doctor. I find I get better results if the child knows that snowing the doctor means I am upset. Of course, with one child upsetting me was his goal in life, so I couldn't let on.

Love and Logic (www.loveandlogic.com) has a technique called the broken record. You might want to look it up on the website or in one of hte books at the bookstore. The free audio downloads might also help. Just to give some more tools for parenting. I find these really help me be consistent.

I HAVE to have the world record for inconsistency, so don't beat yourself up. ALL of us have our spells.

Hugs,

Susie