Missing my grandchildren

[SadSack]

I am new to this forum and actually feel a bit overwhelmed looking at all the parents out there struggling. My daughter has a personality disorder. She has always been quite a handful growing up but as a single mom of three I did the best I could. I always hated like hell to single her out in any way from the other two but school noticed problems early on as well. I am not going to go into a lot of details just yet as it only increases my sadness.
The issue at present are my grandchildren. It's the first day of school and I haven't seen them all summer. My daughter has five children. She jerks them in and out of my life and my heart aches inside. My only other grandchild lives 3000 miles away. How do you cope with PD when there are grandchildren?
I desperately need some advice as I have tried just about everything I can think of.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

SS

 

[BusynMember]

Unfortunately, most states do not have grandparent visitation rights and all of us are stuck with however time our adult kids want us to have. Sounds like your daughter expects you to pay for her in order to see the grands. I personally would not give into the blackmail.

Are there other things you an focus on, people you can enjoy, hobbies and friends you can get involved with to fill in your free time? Likely you will not be able to have the kind of relationship with the grands that you would like. But that CAN change if she ever seeks help for her problems.

Until then, hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[SadSack]

Thanks for your reply. Yes I do keep busy when able. My new hubby and I are thinking of selling the house and moving away to an island about 2 hrs away. We visit that island frequently and love it there.
I also have friends that I see from time to time as my health allows. I guess today it just hit hard after going on Facebook and watching my friends and family all celebrating their children/grandchildren starting school and the kids all excited. I can't count the milestones I have missed. Aw well tomorrow is a new day.
I am planning to visit the kids tomorrow night to see how they made out and bring them a treat. Just hope they don't notice my sadness. So I have to get it together. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I guess I knew there are no solutions unless they get help but according to her it's everyone else. So such is life.
thanks again...

SS

 

[Origami]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and it sounds like you're trying to do positive things in your life, but I know this must be a difficult time for you. If your grandchildren are "in and out" of your life at your daughter's whim, just being there and staying a loving influence on them when you are able to see them is probably the best you can do in the situation. You can remain a stable, loving person in their young, chaotic lives. You never know, the grandchildren might seek you out when they are old enough to do so, and things may change with your daughter. Hugs to you--

 

[AppleCori]

Hi and Welcome, SS

How do you cope?

You live your own life.

You move to that beautiful island and spend time with friends and that wonderful hubby you have and count the blessings that you do have. Let go of any guilt you may have. Read the article on detachment at the top of this forum. Read some books on dealing with people with personality disorders if you feel like that would help (many people on this forum have book recommendations that have helped them.)

You can't change your daughter (how I wish we could change our kids sometimes!). You have to come to terms with that.

Focus on what you can control--your life.

Please stay with us and post. It helps. It helps others as well.

Apple

 

[SadSack]

Thanks for your replies. They are so much appreciated. After writing my first post I thought a lot about what is and how little control I have regarding this situation. I remembered going to see a therapist a long time ago because I was beyond knowing how to parent her. She was 15 and had just had an abortion after trying to get pregnant to keep a boyfriend. I felt deeply responsible for this unborn child. Just writing this is painful still.
I asked the therapist to meet with my daughter for a session then we could get back together and he could help guide me in parenting her. When I returned I remember him saying to me "why do you feel like you are doing something wrong?" I said well I'm here aren't I? He told me I had nothing to work with. He believed she lacked all insight, unable to learn from her mistakes, unable to see how her actions affect others.
He advised me to remove her from the house and save my other children. I was in shock. I told him I couldn't do it knowing she would no doubt die in a ditch somewhere. He said people like her will ONLY learn when they actually hit rock bottom.
That was over 15 yrs ago now. I have pretty much removed myself from her and her husband but my heart is still with her children, my grandchildren. My tears have long dried up for her but her children are the hardest.

Thanks so much. I do need to read how others are coping and moving on with their lives. I do need to pull it together and love myself more. I have to stop asking myself what I am doing wrong!

SS

 

[Joanieb]

I know this is an old thread but my issues are exactly like yours. I can't believe it - its as if you can see my life. The therapist was right all those years ago. My daughter is 36 and I've struggled, seriously struggled, for at least 20 years with her. Now with grandchildren and an idiot for a son in law who's mental age capacity is 14 I've nowhere to go. She's booted me out of her life after active weekly involvement with my grandkids and $1000's of dollars because I took them to check crab pots (we live on a river). She rarely takes them to school and makes up new illnesses severe 5 minutes for both her and the children. I hope things have improved for you in the past 6 months xxx

 

[Mamacat]

My daughter also has taken my granddaughters out of my life. She moved them to another state and has cut off contact with me because i said no to further help. Breaks my heart I'm iiving focused on my life and the people who love me. I cry. Then move on. Nothing I can do

 

[SuperG]

I'm still in the same boat with a grown daughter, who has 4 kids, but I do get to see my grands, as they live close. My heart breaks for them - to be raised in a home full of toxic relationships and anger (and so much more). The oldest is really struggling with issues that I'm certain have been brought on by the environment he's been brought up in. Makes me so sad I can hardly deal most days. It's on my mind constantly. At this point it would be easy for me to disconnect from my daughter, and let her live her life, but it's the children, my grands.... breaks my heart. I honestly think my daughter had her head on straighter when she was 16 than she does at 30. There are days when I lose hope that she will ever change.

 

[Mamacat]

My daughter seemed okay until maybe late 20's. Then it got crazy. She's now 45