I guess it could all be perspective....Here's maybe why I'm able to see it differently.
K - our oldest "adopted kid" was a great kid. His sister is my "adopted daughter" with more GFGness than you can shake a stick at. It's a wonder their bio-mom hasn't gone off the deep end. K was the ultimate Class clown - very popular, and loved Dude to the ends of the world. Dude idolized him. He had JUST graduated high school at 18, gotten married a month later to the first girl he really had a crush on, never did drugs and never drank. He was the kid you hoped all kids turn out to be - kind to animals, a good friend, funny - omg was he funny. Tall, handsome - just a neat person. He rode bulls. He was in a PBR sanctioned match where they had passed a law that all riders now had to wear bullet proof vests. We all pitched in and got him the vest and chaps. He was the epitome of "cowboy up" and when he wasn't riding? He was practicing to be a rodeo clown. The bull at the match slammed him into the wall, and he got a pinch under his rib. Pinch turned out to be a blood clot. Coumidin was prescribed, the clot broke loose and a month after he was married his wife called us in a screaming panic - he was drowning in his own blood, and the ambulance took over 40 minutes to get him cleared. He was literally brain dead for 3 days in ICU. They would call the house and say "Come quick - he's fading' and we'd gather there and then he'd rally a bit. On the fourth day? They came out and told us to say goodbye for real, it was bad. I held his hand, I talked to him in his coma like I would talk to anyone. A single tear came out of his right eye when I told him it was OKAY to go, and he squeezed my finger - The one nurse ran out and got the doctor - the other told me it was a jerk reaction - really no hope of recovering and if he did? He'd be a vegetable the rest of his life. Those dreams? Watching that huge 18 year old man laying there wasting away and having to decide when to pull the plug on his life support? Really tough....matter of fact I now tell everyone to ask your kids what they'd want done after ---if. Dude was devastated - he said he had dreams of riding bulls too, with his big bro. He was angry for a long time until we explained that K wouldn't want him to waste his time being angry about something he couldn't control. That was really hard on all of us because those dreams - were coming to fruition.
Then two years ago - Steven, our other son - a self-proclaimed difficult child - but not really - (just a victim of his bio-families lifestyle) whom we had with us since 7th grade - finally FINALLY was getting his life together despite enormous odds. The boys talked about going to tech school together once they got their GED's. Steven got his!! He took Dude with him for good luck and came in the house just beaming. He had gotten a car - he had a job. He said he was trying very hard to be an example for Dude, and knew things were going to turn around for him. The lure of his bio-families activities and the money were more than he could walk away from and as a result of that? He was driving a car, early morning, went around a curb too fast, flipped, rolled and the other 2 men were ejected from the car. Steven burned alive, trapped, and the one man that did survive for a while couldn't get the sound out the screams out of his head. This ---THIS is not what we wanted to hear. We wanted to hear that there was tech in the fall and he was going to become a great person - he had such a loving heart and a beautiful smile. He would have been 20 years old June 6th.
So in the mean time? There is Dude. Does it aggravate me to no end what he does? Sure - why wouldn't it?? I have a working idea of what he's capable of despite ridiculous odds, and tragic life. But I never treated him like he had a handicap. I expected more - maybe too much at times because like everyone else - I couldn't see the disability and dismissed a good bit of it with numerous excuses. Just like everyone else. When I realized this illness wasn't going away - wasn't going to disappear with a pill, there was no magic solutions and ADHD, ODD and Borderline (BPD) tendencies were a reality? I had to ask myself - WOULD you have a child in a wheel chair and be disappointed because he couldn't walk? What if he were severely handicapped, mentally retarded, blind, deaf - any number of things you'd (as a parent) adjust your thinking about goals for? I don't think it gets any easier but sometimes you NEED a friend to say "YOU need.....to lower the bar." Otherwise you are going to frustrate yourself into such a state you'll begin to despise the kid or waste time despising the disorder -----that you can't do anything about. IT EXISTS ----adjust.
Do we get tired of adjusting? Sure, it doesn't make it easier when we stay frustrated about our childs real abilities. But the challenge as a parent put before us is to make sure that we do the best job we can with what we know and lay a trail of encouragement, and continue to parent so that there are as few regrets on their part as possible. I mean think about your own life and the things that you WANTED to do - dreamed about doing....and how often you think "I wish I had done that." There's going to be a lot of those moments that come to mind. There will be in your difficult child's life as well. But pushing past that as you both grow older? Much more important than dwelling on the Have-Nots. Like I said - When it gets you - and it will and does me too - often (and I have a doosey coming up I'm sure with Dude not completing probation) I remember things like the dandelion on the car seat or the first joke he told, or his art work - or his ability to communicate with kids that are difficult child's so much better than most of the counselors I've ever been to.....I'm in AWE OF his abilities....not I'm in awe despite his inabilities. For that with one remaining child? I'm daily seeking to find the positive more and more from myself and from everything. Doesn't mean I won't ever get upset or punch a pillow - but I want to use the time I have to be an example for my son of how to handle a life like this. Even in detachment - it's an example.
We all wanted better for our children - but you know what - life is not over at 18 - there is still a chance to go to prom - still a chance to get a diploma or GED. Those things CAN happen - if someone wants them badly enough. But the someone has to be the person that missed out on it ----I just missed out on taking pictures of Dude and a girl going to the prom. But I GOT a son that is able to communicate and reach kids in trouble and crisis - When you weigh that?? I think he feels a lot better about calling me and saying "I helped a messed up 16 y.o. kid whose on heroin today, his parents won't talk to him anymore and I'm going to shadow him until he gets to the clinic." that I do thinking about not having a picture on my mantle of a prom date. Maybe the payoff comes later huh? Some of life's lessons are harder than we ever wanted them to be, but occasionally necessary without us understanding why. I'm proud of my son - somedays I don't like him, most days I sit and cringe about his decisions -
every day I love him - but I'm proud of him for the things he HAS accomplished, and could NOT CARE LESS who doesn't think so because they have NO idea what he's been through...or a day in his head.
Just thinking out loud.
ps. I think about Kanga a lot.....and I still think - there is always hope, and time.....she may just surprise us all in a few years with a complete turnaround. She just has to get tired of her own behaviors and want to do something about it. Very dooable. She's not a lost cause - she's my niece and I love her. I will just say harder prayers - SHE CAN...
