My beautiful talented athletic 37 year old daughter turned to pills

[soccerdog3]

My beautiful talented athletic 37 year old turned to pills after her career as a Division I soccer player ended. She was no longer the "star" and could not cope. She had done some pills at end of college with her hockey player " friends?" Also was given pain killers when she was injured. She had several concussions but there was no concussion protocol at the time. She was a dynamic player and they needed her in the game in high school and college no matter what. There was no concussion protocol at the time and she suffered several. Graduation was the beginning of the end for her...Deeper and deeper into pain killers. Lost job after job, relationship after relationship. Stealing and heaven knows what. Came from an affluent area but lived with a divorced single mother who had nothing but joy with this girl growing up...not spoiled, not complaining,,,just a joy and great relationship. I could not afford an excessive lifestyle and she was ok with that.

Since she graduated from college, she has been a nightmare. I do not know her. She has been on and off pills for the last 15 years. Lived with me in 2012 when I had to ask her to leave. Went out of state and last year returned to "stay" with me for a while...about a year now.Works 3 jobs but lies and recently stole a credit card when I was away, then took my atm card (got my pin) and took out money. She says she was saving an acquaintance she met at one rehab to pay the money she owed to a drug dealer...she swear that is where the money went????? Have not noticed drug behavioral changes so am at a loss as to whether to believe her. That is not the issue. She has been fine for months than does something not thinking of the consequences. My gut says to make her move out, however, I dont think she can survive. I am 71 years old and have given her emotional and financial support. I am so tired now. Her older brother is bipolar and on disability but has found a life of his own out west. I am questioning whether she is bipolar also. Just read a thread about strict boundaries. I am going to make a list and make sure she follows them if I choose to let her live here. Her three older siblings and x husband have divergent opinions but of course talk is cheap and I am the one who is living with her, as I did with her bipolar brother for 4 years. That was a complete nightmare with suicide attempts. I have no joy in my life and am so tired.

 

[New Leaf]

SD, welcome to CD and so sorry for your need to be here. You have replied to an old thread, so response may take awhile. Weekends are normally a bit slow here.
I am so sorry for your troubles with your daughter.

I have no joy in my life and am so tired.

I am sorry, this is very sad. I felt the same way a few years ago, as we struggled to help our two daughters, we went through similar experiences. My two started with pot then escalated to meth. We were not aware of the depth of their addiction. Money went missing, jewelry, we had to resort to putting key locks on bedroom doors. The drama and chaos took its toll as well. It got to the point where I didn’t want to be home.
I lived with anxiety and felt desperate for something to change. My daughters just got worse at home and took advantage of our love.
It is hard to watch our adult kids go off the rails.
It is a train wreck that we have no control over.
If love could save them, we would not need this site.
I have learned that my two will do what they please, no matter what the consequences for them, or others.
Setting boundaries in your home is a good start to grabbing your life back. Your home should be your sanctuary.
We are in our golden years, a time when we should have peace.
Though you are tired and weary, there is a way to walk this journey and regain your strength.
Your life matters.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You are not alone. There are many here, who have gone through similar experiences with their adult children.
We try as best we can to support one another and offer comfort and advice.
Be very kind to yourself SD.
It is a hard road to travel. More will come along with their thoughts. Hang in there and get some rest if you can.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Triedntrue]

Hi soccer dog 3 i am sorry for your need to be here but welcome. You have posted on the bottom of an old thread. I think posting your own thread would get more results. I will see if i can get that started by contacting one of the administrators.

 

[Triedntrue]

I have a 35 year old son with bipolar and he drinks and expiraments with drugs. Lying seems to be part of the disease be it drugs or bipolar. I have not let my son live with me for quite awhile but until recently i kept helping him financially . what that got me was deep in debt and what it got him was nothing but being able to buy what he shouldn't. I was stressed all the time and damaged my relationship with his two younger brothers. Everyone including my councelor and my brother who is a ex addict told me to detach from him. You will find an article about this under parent emitrius. I finally made that decision. I was not helping he needs to make it on his own to be able to feel good about himself. He is a hard worker like your daughter. I know he is working but not much else. I don't want to know the details right now. I deserve some peace and so do you. Seek some help with a councelor for you. If she is stealing no matter the reason it is not her right to help somebody with your money. If you think she cant survive call nami or social services or narcotics anonymous for suggestions on organizations that may be able to help. If she chooses not to get help like my son then we are incapable of helping. They have to want it. If we are giving them what they want they will not recognize that they need help. Each of us has to do this at our own pace and in our own way but we will not be here forever so it is better for them and us to do it now . we deserve to enjoy our lives.

 

[BusynMember]

As one labeled bipolar II, lying is not part of bipolar. It is however a huge symptom in a drug abuser.

Sorry. Defending myself.

 

[Triedntrue]

My apologies just one of several diagnosies of my son.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Welcome. I'm sorry you're struggling with your daughter's choices and behavior. If you read thru our stories, you'll see you're not alone.

Whatever the reason for your daughter's troubles, you didn't cause it, you can't fix it nor can you control it. Most of the time when our kids go off the rails, it is up to us to do the heavy lifting of changing. To that end, I would encourage you to seek professional help to learn how to disengage, how to set boundaries and how to care for yourself. Many here find comfort and solace in 12 step groups such as Al Anon, Narc Anon and Families Anonymous. If you believe your daughter suffers from mental illness, try contacting NAMI, The National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access them online, they offer very good courses for parents which may offer you resources, information, guidance and support. A good resource book is Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.

My gut says to make her move out, however, I dont think she can survive.

Most of us here struggle with relentless guilt about our kids and that guilt and the fear that they will not survive without our help is what keeps us stuck in the FOG, (fear, obligation and guilt) Unfortunately your assessment that she will not survive if you tell her to move out keeps you both stuck in the hamster wheel of enabling. Our kids are remarkably resilient.

Trust your gut.

You've been at this for a long time and at our age, it is time to take care of ourselves, to focus on our needs and desires. We become depleted, exhausted, often depressed and highly anxious when we have focused on our troubled kids to the exclusion of our own needs. After a long time, it becomes patterned behavior which is difficult to shift out of. Which is why I advocate support and guidance to stop the pattern and create a new kind of connection with our difficult kids.

You deserve to have a life of your own. You deserve to enjoy your life and find peace. You deserve joy. You matter. Your feelings and desires matter. Put yourself as the priority and find support for yourself so that you can begin to make different choices which honor you. Keep posting, it helps to share our stories with others who understand. I'm glad you found us. We'll do our best to support you. Hang in there, this stuff is hard. Be very kind and nurturing to yourself.
(((HUGS)))

 

[Copabanana]

I am becoming friends with a woman who was 10 years on meth and longer an alcoholic. She has built a rich and full and productive life in recovery, with many people in her fellowship of AA.

While I do not drink I will go to her group. Like the woman in the movie When Harry met Sally:

I want what she's having.

Your daughter can decide to get treatment at any moment. Millions and millions of people do.

Meanwhile, you and I can have full lives. We should have full lives. It is to learn how. One day at a time.

It is not fair of us to not have hope for our kids. I am like you. I am crippled by fear. I am a single mom. My son is the love of my life.

But guess what? I am getting it that a lot of my fear is about myself. I use my son. I do. There is part of me that wants him close and will not let go.

That is all too human. I forgive myself.

But I am beginning to be able to see that we can both be complete and independent people. And each be whole. I am seeing that I project my fears and needs in my son.

Yes. There are risks. For both of our kids. But the risk is as great, I see, by not letting go.

By my enabling my child, who is a grown man, I am not letting go.

Welcome. I am glad you found us. I support you to keep posting.

 

[soccerdog3]

Still struggling with my daughter. She bought Suboxone from someone in AA! Is there nothing sacred? People are going to AA to stop addiction and there are those who are preying on them. She took it right before work and had a terrible reaction and I had to pick her up and she lost the days pay. She immediately told me. I missed a dr appointment the next day because she could not miss the next day or be fired. We only have one car(mine). I am 71 years old and on limited income, so her check is important. She went to her addiction therapist the next day. My daughter does not think of the consequences of her actions but acts impulsively. Her therapist told her emphatically that she was to call her before she made any such rash decisions. My daughter also has an appointment with at psychiatrist who works with the therapist. She has anxiety and depression for which she has been taking medication prescribed by her primary care doctor but she is not on the correct medication. So, here we go again.
I have four children and the two older adult daughters are like their father....do not bother them...only there for the good times. I understand they have families but an encouraging phone conversation seems to be too much for them. Their father is just like that. Goes to church with his holy wife but has not ever been available for my son(bipolar) and now my youngest daughter with addiction and mental issues.
I am so angry now. I asked my ex to help with the psychiatrist who does not accept my daugter's insurance and he said he could not fund an expensive treatment like that??? It is only a psychiatrist once and then medication monitoring. My ex lives in a 2 million dollar home with his wife (12 years younger) and their perfect adult children. I don't know where I will get the money for the psychiatrist but I need to try this. I feel so alone.

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, at 71 in my opinion your daughter has to leave you alone, not expect your money or help and that goes for your son too. Many mentally ill adults take care of their needs. I know many. There are low cost clinics. I used one for years and am doing great. I had no interesed mother to whine to which helped me. I had to do it. Or not. I chose to do it.

At 71 you worked hard. I dont blame your ex for learning to look out for himsrlf even if he has money. Its time for your adults to do the work, not aging parents. Your daughter can go to a dooctr in her network. Most of us do. Why cant she? There is no one magic doctor who cam fix her. She needs to fix herself and she doesnt want to yet. Why borrow money and go broke when she wont try? It wont help her and will hurt you financially. Like shr did when she stole from you.

Dont buy that one docctor and only one can fix her.

What will they do when you are gone?

in my opinion its time for you to spend your time and money on yourself. Nobody can fix your adults. You can only fix you. And that would force them to do it themselves. In the end, they will have no choice.

Love and light. You count!! A lot!

 

[Copabanana]

Soc. I agree with swot.

It is time for you.

We cannot save our children. They have to do so themselves.

But we have ourselves to save. Often when we can begin to care for ourselves the whole family system changes, including our troubled kids.

You have value.

We cannot keep them alive. They have to want that for themselves. If we keep shoring them up they keep waiting for us to do so every time, and not only do they not develop the muscle to do it, they never have to make the critical choice to save themselves. Because we are doing it for them.

There are residential treatment programs for people without money, like salvation army or teen adult challenge. County mental health can refer her to facilities where she can detox. There are sober living homes that are no cost. Narcotics anonymous is free. When daughter wants to change she can.

You might want to consider al anon.

I hope you keep posting. It really really does help.

 

[Littleboylost]

Houston catching up on this thread. Don't let your kids kill you is an excellent read!