My daughter is a prostitute

[Copabanana]

Hi Slim. I am here too.

I have been caught up in our situation and have told my son to leave the house we own. It is all I can do to get from one day to the next.

My son has returned to be his formerly loving and sweet self. But he still wants to assert his own agenda in all other ways. It is hard to know what to do.

You sound strong.

 

[Slimothy]

Hi Copa,
I think whats happened is that I have kicked off some shame and self blame.
I still hurt like heck...I just love her so much and want to wrap her in my arms and make everything go away. But the child is gone, and the adult I knew as my daughter is gone too. And she's too old to be wrapped up!

...its not me holding her anymore. Anyway, thats just the sort of horrible imagery inspiring yucky thinking I am going to work letting go of. It just takes me to places that are not mine to go to.

I am so sorry you are in this situation with your son. I had a read of some of your threads and got the gist of what's been happening for you. I had the impression you are caught between a rock and a hard place with him, if he is with you or away from you, you worry. I can see you love him a whole lot! I read your very first thread and a more recent one and saw he made progress. You have too. Maybe it doesn't feel like it today.

I don't know what your situation would be like. Hard, I think. This is not the same but I was reminded when My brother lived with me for a very short time when I was in my 20's. He smoked marajuana all day and raved about Adolf hitler who he idolised. War history was another favoured topic. I have no interest in war and no knowledge of history either. I found it so hard to find space for me that didn't feel permeated by his opinions and the smell of his drugs.

He left after I blew up...I tried many times to lay down a few rules so we could co-exist but he wasn't listening to me. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was sad that it got to that point. We had gotten on OK when we visited each other.
Best wishes.

I feel a bit brighter today....making progress. Might go backwards tomorrow but staying in today just in case.

 

[BusynMember]

Slimothy, you do have a lot of patience, way more than me.

Maybe because my family is Jewish, although I have taken a different spiritual path, if anyone rants about the good of Hitler or say the holocaust never happened (another bigoted gem) they are gone from my life..if it was a family member, which has never happened, I am quite sure I could not be civil toward such a person, related or not.

I don't understand that level of hate (sigh). I am sorry about your brother too, Slimothy. Have a good day. Try to focus on yourself. Be good to you.

 

[Slimothy]

Back again. I have been up and down over the past couple of weeks, but mostly up, thanks to having ‘being heard’ (validated), by all you here. Its so important.

Recent news in my country has been about a 22 year old sex worker’s body. She was found burned (Renee, and she worked the streets). There have been four sex-worker deaths in the city of Christchurch, New Zealand in the past few years. Fortunately the client who did this to her is now in Police custody.

Since learning about Renee’s gruesome murder I gave myself permission not to think too much about my daughter as I had done- that is all day, each and every day. Instead I went clothes shopping, had my hair done and have booked into a week-long retreat for yoga and meditation (and spiritual healing) later on this year. It’s for woman only and is set in one of the most beautiful parts of New Zealand. I do pottery too and have found time to make a couple things for an exhibition coming up.

Since I have been spending more time thinking of me myself and I, my marriage, my health, my wellbeing, my cat and all the things I like to do, I find returning to thinking in depth about my daughter’s sex work activities is TOXIC to me. It’s been interesting for me to listen to the negative reaction within my body when I think about what she does.

This also allows me to think about HER, separate to what she does. I am taking time out away from her and I miss her. I miss the way she used to be. I miss the way WE used to be. I know that this is a natural grieving process.

My daughter was tagged into a Face Book picture recently and it came up on my husband’s page (not my page). In the picture she is sitting with a group of people and they are playing cards. These cards are clearly visible and are porn cards. I am thinking that her lifestyle choices are becoming such the norm now, that the picture on FB had no effect on her…her judgement about what is socially appropriate seems so jaundiced now. That’s what I think, anyway. This may sound odd, but after initially feeling repulsed by her sitting playing cards with the porn pics (or just the porn pics actually), I later felt strangely and silently supported realising that many of her FB family and friends would also not appreciate and be surprised by the porn pics on their FB pages. Its like part of the secret is out...she has changed and morphed into someone else.

I don’t know if you have TINDER where you are in the world. It’s a dating cell-phone link and basically people meet up and if they like someone, it’s a bit of a sexual free for all from what I gather. I now know my daughter was multiple dating on TINDER for a few months before becoming a prostitute. This breaking down of her previous healthy sexual boundaries coupled with her need to have money, driven partly from poverty because of having Crohn’s, I think, has contributed to her decision to be a prostitute (and training to be a dominatrix). Like me, and like all of us, she will learn from natural consequence.

I reckon I will still be up and down with this for a long time, maybe a life time even, as I go through the journey of grief. I know that I am adjusting to letting go of the dreams I had for my daughter and know it’s important to grieve the person she no longer is.

I’m certainly not at peace with it. It’s been ten months since she told me her news and coming to this site, has been the first time I expressed my feelings and have been listened to. Thanks everyone for this- this has enabled the realisation to dawn…which is some progress and better than staying in shock where I think I had been stuck for a long while.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Since learning about Renee’s gruesome murder I gave myself permission not to think too much about my daughter as I had done- that is all day, each and every day. Instead I went clothes shopping, had my hair done and have booked into a week-long retreat for yoga and meditation (and spiritual healing) later on this year. It’s for woman only and is set in one of the most beautiful parts of New Zealand. I do pottery too and have found time to make a couple things for an exhibition coming up.

Since I have been spending more time thinking of me myself and I, my marriage, my health, my wellbeing, my cat and all the things I like to do, I find returning to thinking in depth about my daughter’s sex work activities is TOXIC to me. It’s been interesting for me to listen to the negative reaction within my body when I think about what she does.

This also allows me to think about HER, separate to what she does. I am taking time out away from her and I miss her. I miss the way she used to be. I miss the way WE used to be. I know that this is a natural grieving process.

You have been doing so well, Slimothy! I will begin taking better care of myself, too.



Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Slim

I somehow missed this post where you referenced my situation. Thank you for reading about us--my son and I.

My son (2 and a half weeks later, I think) is now with us, in our house! In the 2 weeks since we were in touch he left us altogether for a few days to go to a large metro 3 hours from here, was homeless because nobody accepted him, and returned, more humbled. We had squarely caught him high and threw him out.

He is advised he will now be random drug-tested. Good luck!! Because he smoked weed again while gone. He is quite anxious because he knows we are serious now.

The conspiracy theories he keeps quiet about because he knows about that too!!

He is getting sweeter and sweeter, but that is not why he is here with us. Some vagrant guy attacked him on the porch in the house where he is staying (I own it. We bought it for his use, because I got sick every time he was here. Until we can get the house looking like it is occupied and he has others there with him I do not want him to be alone there.

But even 6 months ago I would have never imagined I could tolerate him so close.

He smoked marajuana all day and raved about Adolf hitler who he idolised. War history was another favoured topic.

I will count my blessings. My son idolizes Donald Trump, but I believe it is in the main for shock-value. My politics are on the other end of the spectrum.

I do pottery too and have found time to make a couple things

spending more time thinking of me myself and I, my marriage, my health, my wellbeing, my cat and all the things I like to do

This is very interesting to me. There was an editorial yesterday in the New York Times by David Brooks who recently wrote a best-selling book on character, which I have not read.

He asks the question why Hillary Clinton is not well-liked by the American electorate. He postulates that the reason is because she is completely work-oriented and the impression is that her character, her choices, her everything is in the service of work. And this is what the public mistrusts. He cites two books one, The Sabbath by Heschel of which I am familiar, the second by a man I think his name was Josef Peiper a Catholic Theological with the word Leisure in the title.

The gist of things is that we in the USA, for sure, think of leisure as re-fueling for work. These theorists argue the reverse: leisure is the main event. We work in order to rest, not to sleep or veg but to celebrate. Leisure is a gift to ourselves and it is leisure which gives birth to culture. Not work. I am enamored of this idea. And here you are, living this.

Here you are talking about your response to the lifestyle of your daughter:

TOXIC to me.

The idea of purification comes to mind, and in a sense unifies this post. For one, that was the response I had to my sons conspiracy theory ramblings. I felt them toxic. To me, and for him. I could not bear that he fill his beautiful mind with this poison.

I told him last week, when he began to speak out loud his fears about some possible calamity or another:

Garbage in garbage out.

I could not get him to understand that his perseveration about disaster, plots, was toxic to him, was poisoning his mind.

So to bring it full circle leisure must have something to do with purification. Creating through loving and purposeful activity, reconstructs not just culture but soul.

You know, Slim, our children have something in common. My son when he was 19 found out he had chronic hepatitis B which he acquired at birth from his birth mother. When his condition worsened a year later we were both devastated. My son's mental illness developed right after this time. He felt polluted by his parent's drug addiction and undisciplined behavior.

I am wondering if your daughter's diagnosis of Crohn's Disease might have had a similar effect. The loss of control. The loss of confidence in one's strength. The sense of being broken. Can you see why she might want to, need to achieve control and dominance over others, that she no longer felt in herself?

Anyway, I am glad I found your thread. For some reason I do not get many alerts. Sorry. I would have responded sooner if I had.

To close, I am glad you are finding your strength. I believe (hope) that this is a phase your daughter is living, in order to make sense of and to work through something--having nothing to do with prostitution and sex.

 

[Seventy seven]

My daughter is a prostitute, too. She's a drug addict and she is horribly abusive to everyone around her. Luckily, she doesn't have children. She lives with my mother who was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I've advised her to kick my daughter out. Mom is still in charge of her decisions because she's just in beginning stage.
My daughter is so beautiful and so non-functional that sex is just an way way got her to get money without having to put effort towards working. She got mad that I told her I'm scared for her to get a disease or murdered because she's mad that I'm embarrassed. On the other hand she doesn't want anyone to know...
I'm so embarrassed and sad. It's broken my heart. I felt so alone until I found you all.

 

[BusynMember]

This is an older thread. You will get a better response if you start your own. Welcome!

 

[Coilavana]

Hi! Thanks for the topic!

 

[Mynamesake]

'Mum, I am a prostitute and training to be a dominatrix’. This is what I heard when my daughter called me in August 2015. My daughter cried when she told me, and offered for us to go to a counsellor. I can recall more of what she said now a few months have gone past, but at the time my mind shut down after that first sentence.

The following weeks were a blur of sleeplessness and crying. I had never anticipated my daughter making this choice and I was shocked. I have no idea how I got through those days and actually have no memories of parts of that time. I do know that I repeatedly looked at the webpage of the brothel she is working in, stared at her faceless and headless pictures in various poses, learned her pseudonym name coupled with details of her attributes, her personality and her prices. I read over and over what a porn star and girlfriend experience is. The menu and prices regarding a dominatrix’s activities were staggering.

My mother and brother ran brothels, starting from when I was in my late teens. I had grown up in a pub and considered brothels public houses too. In fact I just really didn’t consider them much at all. 25 years ago I even helped my Mum run her brothel by doing the banking and keeping up the coffee supplies. When my daughter was about 8 and told me that she wanted to work for her Nana when she grew up, was when I grew up too. I felt as if I had been smacked in the face by my own reality. I didn’t want that for my daughter!

Around that time, a woman had come to my mother’s brothel one night and she charged up the stairs banging on the locked doors and called her husband’s name. That woman was desperate! She won’t know this but she gave me a gift, because for the first time I really appreciated and owned that others are harmed by prostitution. The women who are victims are not necessarily the prostitutes. They are the partners of the men who are with the prostitutes. The betrayal is not just in the relationship, but in how their shared money is spent too. I allowed myself to think about it…really think about it, and feel what the betrayal might be like, especially if the woman who are harmed (knowingly or unknowingly) have children from that relationship.

Because my family had expectations that we all thought and acted as one, I made the decision to leave the town where we all lived and I started my life afresh 400 kilometres away, 22 years ago. My daughter was nine then, and I had two young sons. Their father had had numerous affairs and I raised my three children alone. I visited my mother and spoke on the phone with her a lot, until her death in 2002.

My daughter showed talent as an artist from a young age. I encouraged her with her art every step of the way. Despite being raised in poverty by a single parent, and despite her developing Crohn’s disease at the age of 24, she managed to complete two University Degrees.

Her health has prevented her from working in an average type of job, because she needs to take it easy sometimes and also to be near a toilet. She has had a significant part of her bowel removed and is generally keeping very well. In fact, she told me that she was offered a job in a store but turned it down, choosing to work as a prostitute.

I had a thousand worries for my adult daughter, but her choosing prostitution and being a dominatrix, was never one of them. I suppose I had some false belief I had role modelled to her that prostitution impacts everyone it draws in, negatively. A false belief that having been to University and gaining two degrees, she would use her education to gain employment.

I have tried to communicate my sadness to my daughter. I have said and shared feelings she didn’t want to hear. I found that my loving and sensitive daughter is gone. Replaced by a businesswoman, who has told me very clearly that people are not designed to be monogamous and she brings happiness by providing a service. We used to share spiritual views, mainly that there is more to this earth to what we see (i.e. loved ones near us and guiding us in our life’s journey) but this is no longer a belief of hers.

Much of what I shared was hurtful to my daughter and to my relationship with her. I have apologised to her, not for sharing my views but for the way I shared them. I was hurt and angry in some of my communication with her.

My daughter has raised issues with me too and we seemed to have gotten into a spiral of negativity. She returned to our home town a decade ago, so lives 400 kilometres from me. Before she was working in a brothel I visited her frequently, and she me. Now I hardly know her anymore. We have been torn apart with our differences. Aside from that, she comes across as quite self-seeking. My son became engaged recently, and she had no trouble telling a highly offensive joke to his father in law to be, the first time they even met. She had no trouble spending the night with her brother’s best friend, who she also had not met. She does only what makes her feel good. It looks like her new way of being.

I still love my daughter (and myself) and want her in my life somehow, so in an effort to cope with the changes in our relationship, I have let her know I am taking time for myself, with a hope to start afresh in a few months’ time. We are going to meet up at a psychologist’s office in November to help us find a way forward, and I am not going to be communicating with her before then. I let her know this, and that she is free to contact me anytime she needs to. Right now though, I need to focus on me.

I wanted to share my story here. I wonder about other mothers of prostitutes. I wish I could sit and share my pain with them, face to face. I would like to hear their stories and even cry together! The grief and loss associated with this is unbelievable. Yes, I have reflected on my past and the care free, thoughtless days I helped my Mum run her brothel. How totally blind and thoughtless I was!

I don’t know what the future will hold but I know its needs to be about me. My daughter is 31. I had up until now stayed close to her always, especially as she has Crohn’s and can be unwell, but I know I need to separate out and leave her to walk her own path.

If there are other mothers / parents of prostitutes out there, my thoughts are with you. I long to be with you, actually. It’s very hard to cope with this all alone. Or maybe parents raising children alone because of relationship betrayals may read this too, and my thoughts are with you too.

I am open to any feedback about the decision I have made to temporarily withdraw from the relationship to focus on me. One counsellor I spoke with said to stay close to my daughter, but to me this is unrealistic. The fact is that prostitution robs us of the daughter we thought we knew. She doesn’t exist. My daughter has changed and I don’t feel I know her anymore. She is a prostitute, and training to be a dominatrix.

Hello Slimothy: I’m new here. How did I find you… I googled “ as a mom what do I do if my precious daughter decides to become an escort”, it brought me to your story. It’s 2024 and although it’s been many years for you, your first paragraph feels like I wrote it. I was almost confused, reading it trying to understand how you knew exactly what I was feeling and doing. My daughter is 20 and October 2023 she decided to be an escort. My world is forever changed. If the world felt unsafe before… It’s terrifying now. Gasping for air on a daily basis. I’ve always been very close with my daughter, a relationship that many envied. When asked what I was doing as a mom to have such a close relationship with her, my only response was that I was lucky. She was an easy child. I always felt like I did something good in my life being her mom, I was good at parenting and a good person. All of that has come to a screeching halt. I no longer know the person I look at when I look at my daughter or when I look at myself in the mirror. All that love, happiness and memories feel like a movie I watched of somebody else’s life. It’s all very confusing and very sad.

My daughter was raised in a middle- high class neighbourhood, we were probably more middle class. We had many friends and lots of community connections. She danced competitively and was super easy-going. She didn’t seem to have problems socially. Life changed in 2015 when I filed for divorce. Along with normal marital problems my ex-husband’s had a secret life of gambling, escorts and addiction. When I say secret, I mean, he hid it well. I’m not some quiet little mouse, I pay attention, I ask questions. He had significant mood swings, but I thought that was mental health. I didn’t understand what a high functioning addict looked like.
Jumping forward, he took out his anger related to the divorce on our daughter. I was the buffer as always. I thought it was enough. Then my daughter met a boy who introduced her to her first toxic relationship outside of her father. He also introduced her to cocaine. I helped her get treatment twice. Her father was not involved. Jumping ahead she was finally clean. She was just about to start a new job on October 8, 2023. She had mentioned a new guy that she was talking to. Something felt off and at this point, I was well rehearsed in the signs to look for. It was only a week of knowing this boy and she was lured into the sex trade industry, working in a spa. Telling me this is what she wants to do with her life and handing all of her money over to him. She told me that it’s a new generation and times of changed. She said I needed help, if I’m having a problem with this I should get counselling. That’s the short version of the story. Life has forever changed. I wish I could turn back time, take her away… I’m at a loss. Legally nothing can be done to help her. Yet this is clearly mental health. This choice is related to trauma and coercion. She’s been brainwashed. If you knew her growing up never in a million years would you ever guess this beautiful soul would end up living this life. I don’t know how to accept it. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to help her. I tell her I love her no matter what, I’m here for her no matter what, I will help her no matter what. I remember once when she was 12 crying because of her father’s behavior, they had had a conversation in school regarding mental health. She was worried that one day she might have bipolar like her father. I told her I see no signs of that, but no matter what happens in the future I would always be there to help her and support her. I feel like I’m letting her down now. I feel like I need to go in and kidnap her, lock her in a room, get her the help that she needs. Keep her hidden and safe until she is better with a clear mind, and a clear heart, feeling worthy of herself. Yet, that’s illegal. I feel like there’s a gap in our society. We should be helping people in this situation. Whether it is drug-related, mental health, or sex trade. It’s all the same. It all stems from trauma. At least that’s how I see it through my lens. Nobody healthy chooses this

With that said, I would be open to a conversation with others that have gone through the same or similar experience. As well as, an update as to how things are with you and your daughter. I’m hopeful for the best.
~Love and strength

 

[Crayola14]

I hope she stays safe.

 

[Copabanana]

If you knew her growing up never in a million years would you ever guess this beautiful soul would end up living this life. I don’t know how to accept it. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to help her.

This is what brings most of us here.

I tell her I love her no matter what, I’m here for her no matter what, I will help her no matter what.

I understand how this must feel. Love can be unconditional. But our help can't be without conditions. Because if we don't have a bottom line we lose lose ourselves. If our center of gravity is in our kids we lose ourselves.

I’ve always been very close with my daughter, a relationship that many envied.

Me too, with my son.

She was an easy child.

My son, too.

Our kids grow up. Without our guidance or our support, left to their own devices, they act in the world in ways we cannot fathom. My son is homeless. He shows no interest at all in working, living as a normal person, or dealing with his addictions.

For many years the focus of my life was trying to help him. It only succeeded in making him more manipulative. He cycles between pure indulgence of himself, to trying to get me to take responsibility to help him live in the same old way. If I say no, I know he is on the street, with no money for food or anything else. But if I rescue him, I help perpetuate the problem. Do you see, how love has to have conditions? I am glad you are here. Welcome. I am so sorry for what you're going through.

 

[Deni D]

Mynamesake ~ I'm so sorry to read your daughter is worrying you so much. Slimothy has not visited this site since back in 2016. I don't think anyone reading today has had the same experience with their adult child and prostitution but many have been dealing with mental health and drug related issues.
As this is a very old post. If you would like it would be a good idea to create a new post with all but the first few sentences of your reply here. There are so many things our adult children do that worry and frighten us, some for many years. You will find very good support here.
Hang in there.

 

[Copabanana]

If you push the new posts button up at the top a new page will come up and you will see a button that says post a new thread. I would. Posting here the past nearly 8 years has changed me and changed my life.