My daughter is a prostitute

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Hi Slim. I am here too.

I have been caught up in our situation and have told my son to leave the house we own. It is all I can do to get from one day to the next.

My son has returned to be his formerly loving and sweet self. But he still wants to assert his own agenda in all other ways. It is hard to know what to do.

You sound strong.
 

Slimothy

It's so good to be here with you
Hi Copa,
I think whats happened is that I have kicked off some shame and self blame.
I still hurt like heck...I just love her so much and want to wrap her in my arms and make everything go away. But the child is gone, and the adult I knew as my daughter is gone too. And she's too old to be wrapped up!

...its not me holding her anymore. Anyway, thats just the sort of horrible imagery inspiring yucky thinking I am going to work letting go of. It just takes me to places that are not mine to go to.

I am so sorry you are in this situation with your son. I had a read of some of your threads and got the gist of what's been happening for you. I had the impression you are caught between a rock and a hard place with him, if he is with you or away from you, you worry. I can see you love him a whole lot! I read your very first thread and a more recent one and saw he made progress. You have too. Maybe it doesn't feel like it today.

I don't know what your situation would be like. Hard, I think. This is not the same but I was reminded when My brother lived with me for a very short time when I was in my 20's. He smoked marajuana all day and raved about Adolf hitler who he idolised. War history was another favoured topic. I have no interest in war and no knowledge of history either. I found it so hard to find space for me that didn't feel permeated by his opinions and the smell of his drugs.

He left after I blew up...I tried many times to lay down a few rules so we could co-exist but he wasn't listening to me. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was sad that it got to that point. We had gotten on OK when we visited each other.
Best wishes.

I feel a bit brighter today....making progress. Might go backwards tomorrow but staying in today just in case.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Slimothy, you do have a lot of patience, way more than me.

Maybe because my family is Jewish, although I have taken a different spiritual path, if anyone rants about the good of Hitler or say the holocaust never happened (another bigoted gem) they are gone from my life..if it was a family member, which has never happened, I am quite sure I could not be civil toward such a person, related or not.

I don't understand that level of hate (sigh). I am sorry about your brother too, Slimothy. Have a good day. Try to focus on yourself. Be good to you.
 

Slimothy

It's so good to be here with you
Back again. I have been up and down over the past couple of weeks, but mostly up, thanks to having ‘being heard’ (validated), by all you here. Its so important.

Recent news in my country has been about a 22 year old sex worker’s body. She was found burned (Renee, and she worked the streets). There have been four sex-worker deaths in the city of Christchurch, New Zealand in the past few years. Fortunately the client who did this to her is now in Police custody.

Since learning about Renee’s gruesome murder I gave myself permission not to think too much about my daughter as I had done- that is all day, each and every day. Instead I went clothes shopping, had my hair done and have booked into a week-long retreat for yoga and meditation (and spiritual healing) later on this year. It’s for woman only and is set in one of the most beautiful parts of New Zealand. I do pottery too and have found time to make a couple things for an exhibition coming up.

Since I have been spending more time thinking of me myself and I, my marriage, my health, my wellbeing, my cat and all the things I like to do, I find returning to thinking in depth about my daughter’s sex work activities is TOXIC to me. It’s been interesting for me to listen to the negative reaction within my body when I think about what she does.

This also allows me to think about HER, separate to what she does. I am taking time out away from her and I miss her. I miss the way she used to be. I miss the way WE used to be. I know that this is a natural grieving process.

My daughter was tagged into a Face Book picture recently and it came up on my husband’s page (not my page). In the picture she is sitting with a group of people and they are playing cards. These cards are clearly visible and are porn cards. I am thinking that her lifestyle choices are becoming such the norm now, that the picture on FB had no effect on her…her judgement about what is socially appropriate seems so jaundiced now. That’s what I think, anyway. This may sound odd, but after initially feeling repulsed by her sitting playing cards with the porn pics (or just the porn pics actually), I later felt strangely and silently supported realising that many of her FB family and friends would also not appreciate and be surprised by the porn pics on their FB pages. Its like part of the secret is out...she has changed and morphed into someone else.

I don’t know if you have TINDER where you are in the world. It’s a dating cell-phone link and basically people meet up and if they like someone, it’s a bit of a sexual free for all from what I gather. I now know my daughter was multiple dating on TINDER for a few months before becoming a prostitute. This breaking down of her previous healthy sexual boundaries coupled with her need to have money, driven partly from poverty because of having Crohn’s, I think, has contributed to her decision to be a prostitute (and training to be a dominatrix). Like me, and like all of us, she will learn from natural consequence.

I reckon I will still be up and down with this for a long time, maybe a life time even, as I go through the journey of grief. I know that I am adjusting to letting go of the dreams I had for my daughter and know it’s important to grieve the person she no longer is.

I’m certainly not at peace with it. It’s been ten months since she told me her news and coming to this site, has been the first time I expressed my feelings and have been listened to. Thanks everyone for this- this has enabled the realisation to dawn…which is some progress and better than staying in shock where I think I had been stuck for a long while.
 

Scent of Cedar *

Well-Known Member
Since learning about Renee’s gruesome murder I gave myself permission not to think too much about my daughter as I had done- that is all day, each and every day. Instead I went clothes shopping, had my hair done and have booked into a week-long retreat for yoga and meditation (and spiritual healing) later on this year. It’s for woman only and is set in one of the most beautiful parts of New Zealand. I do pottery too and have found time to make a couple things for an exhibition coming up.

Since I have been spending more time thinking of me myself and I, my marriage, my health, my wellbeing, my cat and all the things I like to do, I find returning to thinking in depth about my daughter’s sex work activities is TOXIC to me. It’s been interesting for me to listen to the negative reaction within my body when I think about what she does.

This also allows me to think about HER, separate to what she does. I am taking time out away from her and I miss her. I miss the way she used to be. I miss the way WE used to be. I know that this is a natural grieving process.

You have been doing so well, Slimothy! I will begin taking better care of myself, too.

:hugs:

Cedar
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Hi Slim

I somehow missed this post where you referenced my situation. Thank you for reading about us--my son and I.

My son (2 and a half weeks later, I think) is now with us, in our house! In the 2 weeks since we were in touch he left us altogether for a few days to go to a large metro 3 hours from here, was homeless because nobody accepted him, and returned, more humbled. We had squarely caught him high and threw him out.

He is advised he will now be random drug-tested. Good luck!! Because he smoked weed again while gone. He is quite anxious because he knows we are serious now.

The conspiracy theories he keeps quiet about because he knows about that too!!

He is getting sweeter and sweeter, but that is not why he is here with us. Some vagrant guy attacked him on the porch in the house where he is staying (I own it. We bought it for his use, because I got sick every time he was here. Until we can get the house looking like it is occupied and he has others there with him I do not want him to be alone there.

But even 6 months ago I would have never imagined I could tolerate him so close.
He smoked marajuana all day and raved about Adolf hitler who he idolised. War history was another favoured topic.
I will count my blessings. My son idolizes Donald Trump, but I believe it is in the main for shock-value. My politics are on the other end of the spectrum.
I do pottery too and have found time to make a couple things
spending more time thinking of me myself and I, my marriage, my health, my wellbeing, my cat and all the things I like to do
This is very interesting to me. There was an editorial yesterday in the New York Times by David Brooks who recently wrote a best-selling book on character, which I have not read.

He asks the question why Hillary Clinton is not well-liked by the American electorate. He postulates that the reason is because she is completely work-oriented and the impression is that her character, her choices, her everything is in the service of work. And this is what the public mistrusts. He cites two books one, The Sabbath by Heschel of which I am familiar, the second by a man I think his name was Josef Peiper a Catholic Theological with the word Leisure in the title.

The gist of things is that we in the USA, for sure, think of leisure as re-fueling for work. These theorists argue the reverse: leisure is the main event. We work in order to rest, not to sleep or veg but to celebrate. Leisure is a gift to ourselves and it is leisure which gives birth to culture. Not work. I am enamored of this idea. And here you are, living this.

Here you are talking about your response to the lifestyle of your daughter:
TOXIC to me.
The idea of purification comes to mind, and in a sense unifies this post. For one, that was the response I had to my sons conspiracy theory ramblings. I felt them toxic. To me, and for him. I could not bear that he fill his beautiful mind with this poison.

I told him last week, when he began to speak out loud his fears about some possible calamity or another:

Garbage in garbage out.

I could not get him to understand that his perseveration about disaster, plots, was toxic to him, was poisoning his mind.

So to bring it full circle leisure must have something to do with purification. Creating through loving and purposeful activity, reconstructs not just culture but soul.

You know, Slim, our children have something in common. My son when he was 19 found out he had chronic hepatitis B which he acquired at birth from his birth mother. When his condition worsened a year later we were both devastated. My son's mental illness developed right after this time. He felt polluted by his parent's drug addiction and undisciplined behavior.

I am wondering if your daughter's diagnosis of Crohn's Disease might have had a similar effect. The loss of control. The loss of confidence in one's strength. The sense of being broken. Can you see why she might want to, need to achieve control and dominance over others, that she no longer felt in herself?

Anyway, I am glad I found your thread. For some reason I do not get many alerts. Sorry. I would have responded sooner if I had.

To close, I am glad you are finding your strength. I believe (hope) that this is a phase your daughter is living, in order to make sense of and to work through something--having nothing to do with prostitution and sex.
 

Seventy seven

New Member
My daughter is a prostitute, too. She's a drug addict and she is horribly abusive to everyone around her. Luckily, she doesn't have children. She lives with my mother who was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I've advised her to kick my daughter out. Mom is still in charge of her decisions because she's just in beginning stage.
My daughter is so beautiful and so non-functional that sex is just an way way got her to get money without having to put effort towards working. She got mad that I told her I'm scared for her to get a disease or murdered because she's mad that I'm embarrassed. On the other hand she doesn't want anyone to know...
I'm so embarrassed and sad. It's broken my heart. I felt so alone until I found you all.
 
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