My friends and their "perfect children" are making me jealous!

[svengandhi]

I SO get this thread but I can't even say why because when I write it out, it seems like bragging. Suffice it to say that my indisputably bright HS senior difficult child may be the only super senior next year taking remedial english and 6 AP courses.

I feel happy for my friends whose kids are going to college and then I go home and cry because my son is so smart and so self-sabotaging.

AND I have 3 other sons just like him...

 

[skeeter]

No child is perfect. Some that "seem" that way may have difficulties in other areas. Some parents that brag constantly may be doing so to make up for other deficiencies.
My goal was to raise self sustaining adults (self sustaining means they have A job, not a multi-million dollar salary) that contribute to society (contribute means they don't make things harder for others). That's it. All the "good" things were just icing on the cake, and we did celebrate them in our home, but we didn't brag and I certainly took no credit for any of them. One step daughter has yet to get the "self sustaining" part, and I doubt she ever will. The others are living on their own, work, and that's about all I can ask.

 

[susiestar]

I wasn't actually jealous of the "perfect kids" that friends had. I was mostly jealous that they could pull that ostrich thing and delude themselves into not seeing the problems their kids had. I just couldn't do it, not if there was a chance at helping my kids.

I hope you can feel better soon. in my opinion the bragging is in poor taste usually. I esp hate it when they faux complain about how their child got this but it should have been higher/better/faster/bigger/whatever. I often call this "faux is me syndrome" cause they are soo bragging but trying lamely to make it seem like they aren't.

 

[JJJ]

Today was one of those days. My whole life I dreamed of having children. Much of that dream was tied up in their intelligence and ability to learn and discuss things in depth. Instead I have children who struggle in school, two of them can barely read, no one is at grade level except Piglet and even then only in some areas. Literally, Kanga and Eeyore's IQs ADDED TOGETHER don't equal mine or most people in my family. I grew up in a family surrounded by doctors and PhDs and I never realized how much of IQ is genetic. TBH, I would have made radically different adoption choices had I understood how much nuture can NOT overcome nature. It would have been different if I gave birth to a child who had Downs because that simply would have been 'fate', but since I CHOSE to adopt and I CHOSE to adopt from foster care, I feel like I deserve every bit of pain I pulled onto myself.

 

[Wiped Out]

I've felt this way before. When easy child/difficult child was in school she was so smart and had so many options but chose not to do any work at all. I was always happy for the other parents but it was soooo difficult not to come home and just want to cry.

I also totally get the not wanting to have difficult child come to my school. husband did have difficult child at his school in elementary school and it was a definite stressor for him. Now difficult child gets dropped off by bus daily at my school. Even that little bit is super stressful. Luckily most of the people I work with know we struggle with difficult child and they are really good with him. Still I get him and me out of there as soon as possible.

 

[roxy]

I don't post here much but have lurked over a period of quite a few years and post from time to time. JJJ, I too thought it was about genetics, until I was slammed back to earth with a difficult child born of my own body. I was a hard working rule following easy child, as was my husband. We have PhD's, as do my parents and my other daughter (well she's getting one). And I got a difficult child who is not only a slow learner, but also a non-rule follower. So don't think it's all because you CHOSE to adopt. Genetics can also throw you for a loop. I sometimes feel cheated too, or guilty that I gave birth to a kid that is going to be a burden on someone after we are gone. Maybe it will help you to realize that anyone can be given these children. It isn't "the others" who mess up the world by giving birth to difficult child's.

 

[InsaneCdn]

It would have been different if I gave birth to a child who had Downs because that simply would have been 'fate', but since I CHOSE to adopt and I CHOSE to adopt from foster care, I feel like I deserve every bit of pain I pulled onto myself.

JJJ - Life handed you a bowl of lemons. That was NOT your choice.

How can I possibly know that? I have an adopted bro... who was school-aged when we got him. It was a loaded situation and - knowing what I know from this board - should have been a total disaster. Now, I don't call it a total success, either - but it turns out HE is my parents' pride and joy, the "successful one", the "easy child" in their eyes. I also have adopted cousins - not too much younger than me... with a mix of successful and less-successful stories.

We also have a number of friends with challenged bio-children. Some knew the risks going in and took a 50-50 chance (and lost twice). Others didn't know the risks at all, and ended up both being carriers for some rare genetic disorder, which affects all of their kids.

And then there's the parts of our family that started with PCs, fed certain (acceptable to society but higher risk) interests and aptitudes, and now have... severely disabled kids.

What if... and If only... Coulda, woulda, shoulda, the whole parent-guilt thing seems to be attached to parent-hood. Having kids is a long-shot gamble, no matter where you start from.

 

[a_demann]

I think all of us with difficult child's feel jealousy at some point in time and I think it's completely normal. One thing I really hate is family memebers thinking they could do better or handle the difficult child's better.

 

[Giulia]

I can relate somewhat to what you say. I was considered as "doing less than my sister", "being a less than my sister" because I could not achieve as well as she did, if I listened to stepmother and some of her brainless friends.

Now, 15 years later, I can only say that among her brainless friends, a couple (husband and wife) have their daughter studying medicine, but still, she struggles. She stopped being the straight A student, to whom they consider as a toy to exhibit and that she was "so perfect".
She parties a lot, and when I had to cross her, she smelled alcohol so much that I had nausea. According to my mom who also had occasions to cross her without speaking to her, she smoked pot (she may still do so) and yuck !! These smells give me nausea straight away.
Now, no one bets that she will get the specialty she wishes so (pediatry, and so many persons want it that it's very difficult to obtain it).

In the mean time, stepmother was slapped on the face with my ADHD diagnosis and her son's dyslexia (quite severe as far as I know).
So, she had to take out her pink glasses.
My dad lost his job (crisis in his field).

My point is that we never know what the future holds. All those "perfect children" are "perfect" for now. No one can say that it will be the same in the future.
No one can say that your difficult child won't have a success. Don't give up hope, and let the others blab about their children.
Take care about your children, and you don't know what really happens in their houses.

On the other point, I celebrate in family my successes with my fights to make a law change. At least, no one can say that they did it for me, I deal with it by myself. I'm far from being unhappy with that : I chose it and I do it no matter what.
(GP sometimes fears for my health with this fight to make a law change and all the stress it means).
I also celebrate with the most meaningful persons around me. But there is absolutely nothing to blab about, I don't do anything better or worse than anyone else.

 

[Californiablonde]

JJJ, please do not feel bad. In my opinion you are a SAINT. Your children came from a broken home, and you knew they had issues and you STILL chose to take them into your home. You do not deserve pain. You deserve praise for what you are doing. Now me, on the other hand, has two biological kids and one has bipolar disorder. I am also bipolar. She got that from me since it is apparently genetic. Sometimes I feel guilty as hell because I am the one who passed it down to her. Logically I know that it was fate and there's not much I could have done, but I still feel like it's all my fault for having bipolar and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). difficult child 1 is miserable and I feel responsible.

I have been hospitalized myself for having major anxiety and PTSD after I got in a car accidend last January. Before I got in the accident, my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) was in overdrive and I was very unstable. My anti-depressants were no longer working. My doctor prescribed Klonopin and I absolutely did NOT want to take it. Finally my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) got so bad that I started taking them. I started out on the weekend to see how it made me feel. I felt absolutely fine. I did laundry, cleaned the house, and took care of my kids. I did not know it would affect me badly. P-doctor told me it was safe to take before work and I believed him. So I dropped of difficult child and drove to work and suddenly blacked out. Got in a bad accident, didn't hit anybody, thank heaven, just totalled my car. The police came and arrested me for a DUI. I was shocked. Didn't think you could get a DUI just from taking an anti anxiety pill, but apparently you can feel fine on the pills but driving is a whole nother story.

I had severe anxiety after being arrested and I couldn't drive for a whole month. I had to check into the mental hospital for a few days and go on disability for a straight month. I feel so guilty for #1 letting down the people at work, and # 2 letting down my kids, who deserve a stable mother. I feel so bad that they have so many issues all because of me. I shouldn't have had to take that Klonopin in the first place. I didn't know it would affect my driving but it did. What if my kids were in the car with me? It could of been so much worse. Thank goodness it wasn't. My point is, don't feel bad. I am the one who feels bad. I feel like I failed my kids and that makes me sad.

 

[Giulia]

I just want to add to persons talking about IQ that you can have ADHD, BiPolar (BP) and such, and being gifted.
Also, its not because you have a Ph.D or a college degree that you are intelligent. Conversely, you can be very intelligent while having only a SAT, or even no diploma.
How many MD have you seen and you complaint that "this guy is absolutely stupid, I can't even make a photo of him/her" ? Conversely, you can have persons driving trucks, taxi drivers, cooks.... who can be very intelligent, with high IQ.
Also, you can be very nasty and having a high IQ.
It's not because you struggle at school that it automatically means that you are stupid.


Also, untreated ADHD, BiPolar (BP) or so can more often than not give IQ results which are below your actual result : say that normally, your IQ would be 150. But if you have untreated ADHD, BiPolar (BP) or so, you can get a result like 100, 120.
Does it mean that you are less intelligent, and that you are not gifted ? The test gives this result, but it does not absolutely mean that the result is absolutely accurate.
Because a test, IQ or whatever, can be absolutely misleading.

Think about Pigmies, who live in Africa, and have never ever know the Western world. If we administer an IQ test to a Pigmy who has never ever been in a Western country, he would have a result like 20. Which, if we strictly interpret the test, is labeled as "profound mental retardation".
Does this truly mean that our Pigmy has a profound mental retardation ? I cannot absolutely say so. It's just he gave wrong answers because he doesn't know our social codes.
But if he were in his natural place of living, you would see that he is very intelligent, and indeed gifted.
For once, you would be like a retarded person, because there, you wouldn't know the Pigmies social codes.


My point is that worrying about diplomas, IQ or such, is pointless and harmful for you, and your family. It's not the white check or black check for the future.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh California and JJJ too, neither of you "deserve" to suffer nor did you cause the issues your children deal with. In my belief system, we each hold the key to our own destiny, including our children and their unique destiny's.

JJJ you chose to do a noble thing, to give disadvantaged children a chance, to nurture them and love them and offer them a home to grow in. Your intentions were sincere and from your heart. How they are doing in life and what they are becoming is not about you, it is about them and their fate. I don't believe we can know what our kids destiny is, they are on their own paths. I understand how when they are difficult child's we can blame ourselves and compare our kids to others, however, I think that's a futile exercise which only serves to induce suffering. Your kids have opportunities that they didn't have before you adopted them. As difficult and exhausting as it's been, and we all know how that is, you have done it, you have committed to raise them and the fact that you are here on this site, shows how much you want to help and support your kids. In my opinion, humble as it is, you are an amazing, giving, remarkable woman, who didn't get what you bargained for, but are making the best with what you got. That's as good as it gets sometimes and I hope you can stop thinking you deserve the pain, because in truth, what you really deserve is acknowledgment, appreciation, pats on the back and lots and lots of compassion, empathy, prayers, hugs, love, blessings and prayers.

I've done my share of judging and blaming myself too, and as an older parent, whose been at this for many years, what I have recently really begun to understand is that acceptance of my daughter has brought me a new level of peace. When I was judging her for not being what I wanted her to be, I was also angry and disappointed a lot. My acceptance of how she is, even though nothing has really changed, she is who she is, has brought about not only acceptance, but compassion for her and for myself.

California, being so hard on yourself, blaming yourself and judging yourself not only serves no purpose but to make you feel horrible, but it is actually detrimental to your emotional and physical health. Your children could just as easily inherited a brilliant creative mind and become another Einstein/Mother Teresa/Gandhi/. Would you then take the credit for their success? No, those people became who they were separate from their parents or perhaps in spite of them, who knows. If you can't take the credit, you can't take the blame. Some kids who grow up in horrible conditions with no support, no love, no healthy parenting at all, and yet they CAN grow up to be contributing, successful, functioning adults. As Insane said, "having kids is a long shot gamble." How your kids turn out is not your fault, nor can you blame yourself for what they do, nor can you blame yourself for the genes you carry. It is a waste of time and harmful to your well being. Please be kinder to yourself and give yourself credit for hanging in there, in spite of your anxiety, PTSD and single-parenting, and doing the very best you can, which is all any of us can do. You didn't let anyone down at work or at home, you did what many of us might do, take a drug we didn't understand completely and you had an accident. You didn't hurt anyone but yourself, so let it go. Now you know better, now you can do more research and ask more questions about medications. It's a learning mistake, that's what life is, we learn from our mistakes. You are only human. You show up every day and do it all over again, you love your kids, you ask for support here, you're a good mom. Stop the self torture, my heart hurts to hear you be so hard on yourself. Perhaps because, a long time ago I did that to myself too. Take it from this grandma, learning to love yourself, accept yourself and have compassion for yourself is the single most important tool to finding peace and joy. My mother's arms are sending you both big, giant loving hugs

 

[MichelleNM1969]

First of all let me say that I really, really don't want to sound like I am having a pity party for myself. One thing I hate is other people's pity. It makes me feel weak, and I am normally a pretty strong person. Lately I've been having issues with jealousy when it comes to my friends' and family members' kids. Having one difficult child to deal with at home was hard, but now that I have two difficult child's it's ten times harder. Most of my friends have these all star kids who are honor roll students and they are constantly getting awards for some thing or another. My kids have never, ever been student of the month. They will never be honor roll students. They both hate sports and are pretty bad at them. They will never be star athletes. Most of the time I am okay with it.

I have come to terms with the fact that I have two kids with mental disabitlities and they will always be a little bit out of the ordinary compared with typical people. Hell, I am an adult difficult child myself, having bipolar and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)), and I have come to terms that I will always be someone who has more issues than most. Right now what I can't stand is the constant bragging from my friends when it comes to their kids and their achievments. I have quite a few facebook friends, and I swear I will gag if I read about another student of the month award, honor roll award, or hear about how "Johnny" is so great at baseball, his teacher says he is her star pupil, he gets straight A's on all of his report cards, he is such an angel at home, does all his chores, does what he's told, blah blah blah blah blah…. I am just so SICK of it. I know I should be happy for them and sometimes I do make my "That's great, you must be so proud!" comments, but more often than not I am silent. I do not "like" their status. I do not comment. I feel like such a crappy friend for being this way, but sometimes I just can't deal.

I work at a high school in a different district than my kids and a few of my co-workers have children that come to our school. Their kids are star athletes and honor roll students. They have every right to brag and to show off when it comes to their kids. difficult child 1 will be starting high school next year. My coworkers have been asking if I will be sending her to my school. We live in a different district so my answer is no, she will be going to another district where we live. If I really wanted to, I could get her transferred over here so I can keep a better eye on her, but I do not want her to attend school where I work. The last thing I need or want is to have difficult child sent up to the office for telling someone F**k you or refusing to do work or getting caught ditching class, etc, etc, etc. My coworkers opinion of me as a mom would drop dramatically if they were privy to the never ending antics of difficult child 1. There is no way on this planet I would subject myself to the kind of hell difficult child would put me through if she were to attend school over here. I feel like such a **** mom for feeling this way. Can anybody relate and if so how do you get through it? Is this just a phase I'm going through? I feel angry, bitter, and jaded. I do not wish to keep feeling like this. I want to be able to accept my kids for who they are but right now I just can't. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

First of all let me say that I really, really don't want to sound like I am having a pity party for myself. One thing I hate is other people's pity. It makes me feel weak, and I am normally a pretty strong person. Lately I've been having issues with jealousy when it comes to my friends' and family members' kids. Having one difficult child to deal with at home was hard, but now that I have two difficult child's it's ten times harder. Most of my friends have these all star kids who are honor roll students and they are constantly getting awards for some thing or another. My kids have never, ever been student of the month. They will never be honor roll students. They both hate sports and are pretty bad at them. They will never be star athletes. Most of the time I am okay with it.

I have come to terms with the fact that I have two kids with mental disabitlities and they will always be a little bit out of the ordinary compared with typical people. Hell, I am an adult difficult child myself, having bipolar and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)), and I have come to terms that I will always be someone who has more issues than most. Right now what I can't stand is the constant bragging from my friends when it comes to their kids and their achievments. I have quite a few facebook friends, and I swear I will gag if I read about another student of the month award, honor roll award, or hear about how "Johnny" is so great at baseball, his teacher says he is her star pupil, he gets straight A's on all of his report cards, he is such an angel at home, does all his chores, does what he's told, blah blah blah blah blah…. I am just so SICK of it. I know I should be happy for them and sometimes I do make my "That's great, you must be so proud!" comments, but more often than not I am silent. I do not "like" their status. I do not comment. I feel like such a crappy friend for being this way, but sometimes I just can't deal.

I work at a high school in a different district than my kids and a few of my co-workers have children that come to our school. Their kids are star athletes and honor roll students. They have every right to brag and to show off when it comes to their kids. difficult child 1 will be starting high school next year. My coworkers have been asking if I will be sending her to my school. We live in a different district so my answer is no, she will be going to another district where we live. If I really wanted to, I could get her transferred over here so I can keep a better eye on her, but I do not want her to attend school where I work. The last thing I need or want is to have difficult child sent up to the office for telling someone F**k you or refusing to do work or getting caught ditching class, etc, etc, etc. My coworkers opinion of me as a mom would drop dramatically if they were privy to the never ending antics of difficult child 1. There is no way on this planet I would subject myself to the kind of hell difficult child would put me through if she were to attend school over here. I feel like such a **** mom for feeling this way. Can anybody relate and if so how do you get through it? Is this just a phase I'm going through? I feel angry, bitter, and jaded. I do not wish to keep feeling like this. I want to be able to accept my kids for who they are but right now I just can't. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Oh boy do I know how you feel. Now that it's graduation time I'm so I overwhelmed with all my friends kids winning awards and graduating with honours when my son is just getting by. He just graduation from grade 8 and I'm proud of how far he's come. He has ADHD and has always had issues with behaviour. I enjoyed his grad and knew he wouldn't win and awards but part of me hoped he's get acknowledgment for home much he's come. His grade 7 teacher came over and gave me a hug and said how great she thought he was doing. That made me feel good. The little wins right? Well my friend who has a daughter the same age also graduated that night and she won a best athlete award and graduated with honours and of course it's all over the Internet. I didn't sleep well that night. I had the tightest pain in my chest (I have generalized anxiety disorder and depression). On my way to work then next morning I had an anxiety attack. I felt so bad that I felt jealous. Of course I wouldn't change my son for anything but I couldn't help but feel how much easier it would be to have a normal child. Deep down I know that no family is perfect and I know that it's easy just to put the "good" stuff on social media and we all have skeetons but I can't think through that when I'm in the middle of a breakdown. So know that you're not alone. We've all been there.

 

[kim75062]

I have a "normal" child, 18 just graduated HS last month with honors, has never been to the principals office for anything negative and made it though all of school without getting detention once. I could wall paper an entire room with all her awards and certificates over the last 13 years of school.

Middle child 14 is somewhat difficult, she has ADHD and gets lost in her own head frequently. She barley passes half the time and get all the "good citizenship" type awards.

Youngest 6 is the most difficult child ever! His diagnosis are still unknown really but think autism of some sort with mood disorders at least. He hasn't managed to stay in the school building long enough to even get a report card lol hes currently home schooled because no one else "gets" him and can deal with him. Plus he leaves the building and is a danger to himself while trying to escape.

Now Ive been on both sides of this subject. I can honestly say yes I find it annoying when parents brag constantly about all their children's small achievements. its like participation trophy's, it drives me nuts. posting and sharing special moments on Facebook i really don't count as bragging unless the context of the post itself makes that impression. I cant say that I have ever felt jealous though.

When my older one made honor roll or was in the newspaper for something I shared it on my Facebook wall etc. for friends and family to see. When my middle one would get awards etc same thing. With my youngest one when he made it past noon at school the first time, I gave him an award myself.the first full day without me going up to the school, yup award and icecream if he manages to have a day where hes didn't have a meltdown you bet ill be sharing that achievement on Facebook too!

I'm just as proud of my almost 7 year old for not hitting his sister as I am of his sister for graduating high school or his other sister for getting a D and not needing summer school. I think that our family and friends should understand how different our kids are and be just as happy for them as we are with the smaller things they have accomplished. If they are not then maybe there not very good friends.

 

[mof]

Hugs to all of you...I so get it.

This season is hard.

 

[PiscesMom]

Wow, how did I miss this? I am going to read everyone's answers later, but I struggle with this a lot. I hate this, but I feel like a failure. I wish I could have straightened my son out. I wish I could get my daughter to go to her special school. I wonder if I had known I had a thyroid disorder, and treated it before getting pregnant, maybe my kids wouldn't have issues. And, yeah, I hear about everyone's kids' AP classes, what college they are going to, etc. I hope I get to a place of acceptance, not blaming myself all the time. Writing this, I wonder if I am not accepting my kids as they are?
I am so sorry about the DUI. Omg. The doctor should have warned you. Lucky you or nobody else was hurt.
You sound even harder on yourself than I am! I just started therapy - the dr brought in a therapist after I started crying during a checkup, and I saw her one time, so far I like her.