My mother is taking over my life and I don't know what to do anymore!

[GoingNorth]

This is your call, CB. I agree with taking her off you bank account IMMEDIATELY. I would also make very sure your bank knows WHY you are doing so.

Please take my advice about the credit reporting agencies as well since she has your SSN#. I would not put pulling your credit reports and FICO scores past her.

You have GOT to put whatever relationship you continue to have with this mentally ill, toxic woman on YOUR terms and your terms only.

 

[Tanya M]

Oh those life lessons can be tough to swallow sometimes. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did all those years ago and can see where it was an oversight on your part to not have her removed, after all, she's your mother and you should be able to trust her. Now you know different and are going to take action by having her removed from your account. You really might want to consider closing that one all together and opening a new one.
As for the cell company, I would alert them to what happened. I would have them make a notation on your account that no changes can be made unless you do it in person and they have to ask for ID.
((HUGS)) to you and I hope you have a good weekend.

 

[GoingNorth]

CB, I had to call Experian a couple of days ago because as part of the preparation for my move once I sell my current place, I pulled my credit reports and found a "WTF?" on my Experian report.

As part of the process of getting that error (a judgement for a lien assigned in a state I'd never lived in, let alone done business in.)removed, I found out that you can have a PIN assigned to your credit record where no actions can be taken without the PIN being provided.

It's a huge PITA to put this on your account, and the agencies strongly advise against it. I didn't do so, as I pull my reports regularly and am meticulous about staying on top of my credit, but in your case, it might not be a bad idea.

I suspect that if you start pushing back against your mother, that she might bite back...HARD.

 

[BusynMember]

Think very hard about whether or not she is good for the kids or tries to over-control them, which is just as bad for them as it is for you.

You are a strong woman who has overcome a lot. Your mom needs to just be a grandma as in she plays with the kids and buys them ice cream and babysits...she does not monitor their internet use, tell YOU how to parent them, get involved with their school (that needs to stop yesterday) and she certainly doesn't have to know all about their lives. You don't need to share everything with her...she is not the parent. You are.

Do not allow her to belittle your decisions. In fact, it may be a good idea, to stop telling her about your decisions.

Hugs and good luck

 

[pasajes4]

This is going to be a very difficult process for both you and your mother. I wish you well. once you give up control of your life, it is difficult to change that dynamic. You must get a grip on your life and stop allowing boyfriend, mom, and kids to walk all over you.

 

[susiestar]

You really NEED to check your credit with all 3 companies. A friend of mine's father in law started doing things like your mom is doing iwth your bank. She didn't even know how he got the info, esp on her, but he did. They went to buy a new house and their credit was a mess. Her father in law didn't just cancel their debit card and a few of their credit cards, he opened new cards and got them sent to him. He then charged them to the max and never made a payment. They knew nothing about this for over a year! They almost lost their home and they never were able to get that new house. They worked out a payment arrangement instead of pressing charges but the father in law only made payments for about 3 mos. My friend divorced her husband after 2 yrs of this mess because she just couldn't cope with it any more. each time they thought they had it cleared up, the father in law would do it again somehow and her husband flat out refused to go to the cops or take any real steps to make him pay them the money he charged to them.

You are going to have to be super firm with your mom. You may have to close the account and open new ones if your mom cannot be taken off the accounts. You may need her permission to remove her name and she may not agree. If so, go to a different bank and arrange to have your payroll deposited there and the bills moved to that bank. Leave the old acct open but take your $$ out of it and take your name off of it. The bank can refuse to remove her name, but they cannot make you have your $$ sent to them or make you use the account.

Go to school and tell them IN WRITING that NO ONE but you and the kids' father is to have info about IEP's or anything else, and if they violate this then you will file formal complaints. If your mom shows up to an IEP, tell the school officials there that she is NOT part of the team and is NOT allowed into the meeting or to have any information disclosed to her after the meeting.

 

[GoingNorth]

CB, Susie is right on the money about this. Please, please take her advice. Your financial future and that of your children could depend upon this!

My ongoing WTF that keeps showing up on my Experian report dates back to an error that first occurred in 1984 when an individual with the same initials and last name, and a SSN# nearly identical to mine was accendentally mergend into my credit history with Experian. As a result, I have had to repeatedly have her information removed from my report.

Luckily, I first found out about this in 1985 when I went to open a checking account at a NCOAA credit union overseas and was able in that case to straighten it out with the help of JAG. I have never had a problem having this individual's info removed from my report, but it's a PITA to have to keep dealing with it. (and boy does she have lousy credit!)

Luckily, she confines her activities to the SW USA, which makes it easier to find her and prove that she and I are different people.

If things like this can happen so easily by accident, just imagine how easily they can be made to happen on purpose! Protect yourself!

 

[BusynMember]

You know, I would change banks an d not tell Mom where the money is. Don't do it to be mean. Do it to protect yourself. What she doesn't know, can't hurt you

 

[pasajes4]

When you were hospitalized, did your mother gain conservatorship of your children and the right to make legal decisions for you due to your mental condition? If this is the case, you will need to legally take care of terminating her role in your life.

 

[GoingNorth]

CB, the more I read about this, and the more I think about this, the more frightened and upset about your well-being I become.

I am currently under the influence of painkillers (dental work) and will refrain from posting until I have a clearer head (dratted things turn my brains to mush).

This does NOT mean I don't care about you. I will post more tomorrow or later this evening if the pain subsides and I can get by on ibuprofen alone.

 

[Marcie Mac]

Just as a FYI, you can get Free Credit Reports

Also, years ago I had added SO to my bank account just in case of emergency so the kids would have money in the event of something happening to me. When he went to apply for Disability, they denied him because he was on my account. My bank would not let me remove him, so I had to open a new account for myself.
Marcie

 

[LuckyPenny88]

Wow, this looks like a chapter straight out of my life. My mother is the exact same way, too. Today I politely asked her and my dad to leave my apartment because it was time for the baby and I to wind down for the night (my husband is on an Air Force tour in South Korea for a year). My mother refused to stop cleaning (boundary issues with my things) and said she wasn't leaving until she was done. I again politely said that I will finish things up and she said I wouldn't do it right and she may as well stay and finish. Trying not to lose my cool, I informed her that by her refusing to respect my authority in my own home, I felt threatened. She ignored me! My dad saw that that was my last attempt at a peaceful resolution and stepped in. She argued with him, too! She also tried to make me feel guilty by saying that she felt really sick but I NEEDED the help. I had told her I didn't ask for help and I could manage things for now.

My counselor believes she had Borderline Personality Disorder. Complete disregard for others; their reality is THE reality; total lack of empathy; manipulation of situations in order to be the hero of the story. You should really look it up.

I told my husband what happened today and he's had it with her. She's no longer allowed over. Period. I've spent the past year trying to patiently teach her appropriate behavior by using an emotional reward system, but she is accountable to no one. I almost made her regret continuing to verbally abuse me and run over me like when I was growing up (there was plenty of physical abuse, too, which she conveniently has no recollection of).

One day in church, she refused to give me back my crying baby and pointedly ignored me while I quietly demanded her to give me my daughter who was hungry. She knew I couldn't make her do anything in front of so many people. For the first time in my life, I was having to hold back a feral instinct to kill her because she had my baby and was not giving her back. I leaned over and said under my breath "Give me back my baby or I will end you." She gave me a shocked look and... kept my baby.

Some people can't change, but you can protect yourself from women who try to take over the hive. It never gets better. I tried everything possible for years, and I have never been treated like a daughter by her. Meanwhile she openly brags about my older sister, drops everything she's doing to roll out the red carpet for her. She even made her the honored guest of my baby shower... and made me set up all the decorations and clean up so my sister could relax! I was 8 months pregnant! Women like these are seriously sick and feed on scapegoats like us. Run.