My son is an idiot...

[toughlovin]

Hi all,

I tried to post yesterday but for some reason it did not go through. Honestly i can't understand how my son can be so so stupid and idiotic.

You may remember that we kicked my son out in June. In August he asked to go back to his old program and went and did the work to finish his hs diploma and so we let him come home. He immediately got a job. We were pleased. Then he started screwing up and we did not kick him out.

Then we became aware that this whole situation is getting really hard for our daughter and that it would be better for her if he was out of the house. We didn't want to just kick him out with no new reason but we knew we probably would not have to wait long.

We had already found pot in the house and flushed it, he had already gotten in trouble with the police for having alcohol in the car. We got a tracking system on the car so we could see where he was going and allowed him to only drive to work and home.

So then he told us he was going to work and we checked and he was sitting in the car at work... we got in touch and he wasn't working he was waiting for friends. So he was just breaking the rules and getting around us once again. Well that was enough. I mean 3 strikes and you are out. We can't trust him at all.

So he went to a friends and we went and got the car. He is now staying over there. He did text and ask if he could come home and we said no. We are willing to help him with rent if he got a place, not because it is good for him because it isn't, but to keep him out of the house for the sake of our daughter.

Meanwhile I went to court with him twice on charges that happened over the summer while he was out of the house. The court appointment attorney suggested he plead guilty to a felony charge which didn't seem like good counsel. So we are also willing to pay for a lawyer.

His probation is up on Tuesday on a previous case but he has yet to finish his community service or pay the money. If he does not go speak to probation by they can put a warrant out for his arrest. So on Friday I strongly suggested he call the lawyer and talk to probation.

It all made me wonder if he just wants to go to jail!! There is not much more I can do. We are trying to let him know we love and support him but also not let him live here anymore. The rest of us do so much better when he is not here and the worry is not right in our face.

So as you can see he is already in a heap of trouble.

3am last night he calls. He was arrested again for trespassing and malicious destruction of property. He called because the police asked him if he had a ride. I don't think we should have gone but my husband answered the phone and said we would come. He did also say he could not come home. So we went down and picked him up and drove him to the friends where he is staying. They don't know he left to hang out with friends in the middle of the night. I mean how stupid can you be???

He now has 3 pending cases and a 4th one he is going to be sommonsed for. At some point the court is going to look at him and hold him without bail. A part of me hopes that happens tomorrow because he is not going to stop this stupid stuff. Unfortunately if that happens he will lose his job.

I know this is all out of my hands. The kids cannot follow rules to save his life. Until he has some kind of epiphany that he has to follow the rules of society he is headed to jail. He is a smart kid and yet he is so stupid.

I know he is smoking pot. How much I don't know. I really don't know how much of this is due to drug use. Except for the alcohol in the car none of the cases are directly drug related. Each case could be seen as stupid teen boy stuff except that they are adding up fast. Most teen boys would learn after the first time.

I am pretty fed up and pretty disgusted. At least he is out of the house and my daughter is doing much better without him here.

 

[CrazyinVA]

It's baffling to me how many of our kids make these kinds of choices that are so ...illogical? There is no forethought at all as to the consequences. Some of them really need to learn the hard way, and it sounds like that's where your difficult child is right now. Jail may be what he needs for a wake-up call.

Sounds like you are doing well through all this, though, and making good choices for yourself. Hang in there!

 

[Mellie]

I am wondering if should have skipped reading this one... Is this what I have to look forward to?

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks.... I am doing ok. I am getting so used to these calls. Ugh. I was talking to a friend this morning and she was saying to me he needs to learn to think before he acts and was suggesting cognitive behavioral therapy... All that sounds good BUT I said to her first he has to look at why he needs to break the rules. He has to have some kind of epiphany that he wont break the rules of society..... otherwise learning to think before he acts will just help learn how not to get caught!!! And that is his thinking he needs to learn to not get caught. No he needs to learn to not do this stupid stuff in the first place. i certainly don't want to help with therapy to be a better criminal!!!

He did call me today asking for a ride to court tomorrow. And he did ask me to give him again the phone number of the lawyer. I also asked him about bringing some stuff for him and he said don't do that because I might be held. He called in sick today because this might be his last day of freedom. So I think he is probably feeling a bit scared with the realization that tomorrow they could hold him without bail. I am of very mixed feelings about his possibility. It may be what he needs but I can't really hope for it either. It is good to know others on this board have been through this stuff.... really in my life my son is so far out there from most peoples kids.

 

[JJJ]

I think they get so caught up in the way the think the world should be that they completely lose sight of society's expectations.

 

[susiestar]

At some point he is going to need some tough consequences to make him not want to do such idiotic things. It took my older bro until he was in his 30's and in jail enduring alcohol withdrawal and then looking at all the other men in there for problems that happened because they were drunk to decide he wanted to change. He did some truly AWFUL things, things that many people then and now do not believe he could or would do, before he wise up even that much.

I hope your son wises up and figures out that he wants something out of life that what he is doing will keep him from having/achieving. I wish I knew how to get through to our young men. So many of them are in the place your son is in, with trouble piling up fast that it will likely take them years to get past.

Do what you can live with. I do NOT recommend bailing him out of jail. EVER. Or going after him in the middle of the night anymore. If he is going to get himself into these things then he is going to need to figure out how to get himself out of them. Esp as drugs and alcohol seem to be playing a part in the things he does.

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks. I agree Susiestar that we should not have gone and gotten him last night. If I had answered the phone I hope I would have told him to figure it out. But my husband has a harder time being tough and he answered the phone. Once he said he would I wasn't going to fight him on it. My biggest concern was that we not bring our son back to our house and that we did not do. But you are right in the future we need to tell him he is on his own.

I will continue to go to court with him because I want to see what happens and help him understand what decisions he is making.

I agree he needs a huge wake up call and some tough consequences and it seems to me the only thing that is going to sink in is some time in jail. Sad as that is to say.

It is so darn hard and it is so sad how much he has messed up his life. If only he can decide to turn it around.

 

[DammitJanet]

I have so been down this road. I think mine is the king of never thinking about the consequences of his actions until it is too late. He is now showing a bit of that light dawning on him that maybe, just maybe, he should have thought things out a bit better. He has come to me a few times to ask me to talk him down when he is really irate and wanting to make a bad decision but he knows it will be a bad decision so he knows he really doesnt want to do it...lol. I think that is a baby step.

I always went to court with mine too. Of course, for many years I was on the bond. Now, I dont do bonds. I dont go to court much anymore either. Sometimes I may offer a ride if its not out of my way. I usually hear about it days later.

Mine has a lot of junk on his record for stupid stuff. I feel for him but I tried to tell him differently. He wouldnt listen. He knows it. Now its his problem.

 

[susiestar]

Don't beat yourself up for going and getting him. We ALL do it a few times. And it IS harder for dads, esp if the option is letting them stay in jail for the night. According to my husband (and verified by 3 tdocs - 2 of them men) most guys have a real fear that going to jail means that you WILL be raped. For most it is unspoken but that is what they think happens to ALL men who go to jail, esp those who have no experience with jails. They do think that women are safe from this the majority of the time if they are in jail/prison. I have no clue how realistic this is for men or for women, and don't really need to know. It was eye opening to learn this from my husband, then to have it confirmed.

It is one reason that many fathers will bail out their kids over and over, even when they tell them they won't.

Arguing with your husband over going to pick difficult child up was not going to help anything, TL. It would just further upset you both. I think you both handled things very well, and I hope that any fears never actually happen. To anyone's son or daughter.

 

[toughlovin]

I think you are right Susiestar....and of course him getting raped is one of my fears too. At this point I am glad we went and picked him up that night because he ended up in jail anyways. I am glad our last interaction was one of love and support. It is so hard to know where to draw the line sometimes of loving and supporting them and not enabling them.....but right now the system is giving him consequences so we just need to love him.

 

[DammitJanet]

So far my son has been in a few fights in jail but rape hasnt been an issue. He is also in the general population and they assign them to anywhere from 6 to 8 per cell depending on jail. He likes one county jail better because they actually get one or two man cells with separate TV's...lol. Its amazing when you learn to pick a better jail...sigh.

 

[insanemomoffour]

wow, I really thought that I was the only one going through this. Well not really, I knew there were others out here but you could not have written my life any better. Except I also have two younger boys under my daughter. My oldest is 19 and is wreaking havoc all around us. And once upon a time when I thought him having a diagnosis of ADHD/Bipolar was a good thing in order to get help, is now the enemy. He qualifies for social security disability and with this why should he work. He is capable but much more capable of being lazy. He moved out of the house in Jan 2010 and then in July asked if he could move home. We said he could pending he was on medications, in college or working. He enrolled in school got set up for financial aid attended long enough to qualify for a large refund of unused monies. So once again free money for him. Then he drops out. We gave him until November1st to relocate. Unfortunately we know this will not be a quiet movement. He often becomes angry and violent when not getting his own way. As petty as this sounds, he keeps taking the XBox 360 with out permission to his "friends" house. This stops the other children to not be able to play it because they are only allowed to play it on the weekends and he comes up missing then.

I am frustrated!!!

 

[Bean]

I don't know, you questioned the weed thing, and I have my opinions on that. Just like drinking, some people do it and are fine - some do it and unleash a beast. My daughter is one of those beast-unleashers. Someday she will need to learn that she has to chose:

a.) Functioning like a regular adult
b.) being a pothead and living day-by-day

So far she's chosen to tell herself she's doing "a" while "b" is the reality. When she went to jail it took her an abnormally long time to have her THC levels (sky-high) come down. She thinks that specialty pot she's smoking is just weed, when in reality it's probably weed with crack/PCP/meth - who knows - mixed in. At any rate - my point is that alcohol is metabolized much quicker than weed. That stuff stays in your system for weeks - months, depending on who you are, and it continues to affect your head. So, even though he's not coked up doing what he's doing, the weed is probably doing a number on all areas of his brain - and seems to play on his impulse control.