My Son is dead to me........

[kitty9259]

I needed to get the truck issue resolved, and called Billy at work today. I said to him " we need to resolve the truck issue, when can we get together?" He Screamed " YOU F---ed me over with the truck, So F--- you!!! and he hung up. I called back, got him and asked "Don't you want your truck back Billy???, and exactly how did I F---- YOU over??? He replied " I want the truck , but not all this Bull----- that goes with it....Sell the truck. Leave me alone!" and he hung up again!!!

Then I did what I shouldn't have done, but I was angry to say the least. I called back and someone other than my son answered, I explain that I was his mother and I was trying to work out an arrangement to give him back his truck...he covered the phone and said " Billy your mom just wants to talk to you about your truck" and B mummbled something back that I couldn't hear. The guy got on the phone and said he doesn't want to talk to you. I said to him( crying )" Did you hear how he cursed me out? He said he doesn't want his truck back, you are a witness" He said "lady, I'm not a witness to this" and hung up. I acted like an idiot.

I'm so angry that B spoke to me like that....and I don't understand why he feels this is MY fault and I did something to HIM.

The "Church family" has turned him against me, or perhaps he has lied so much to them about me that he must keep up this game.They will not return my calls, have taken him off his medications and said that Billy's problem was me(I have only met the father once and never met the mom) I never did care for them, though. The "Youth group" always consisted of a handful of kids working on renovations at the "Church families " house.What kind of pastor only has 10 parishners???What kind of pastor runs a "church" out of his accounting office? What knd of pastor has all the teenagers working like dogs at his home???What kind of pastor would not try to reunite a family?and except a large rent from and discontinue the use of a kids psyh. drug?????

After the phone call I cryed my heart out, and then It was like I saw the whole situation very CLEARLY I decided right then and there that this is the end. Billy is dead to me, It is easier to go on with what is left of my life if I try to forget that I had a son. The doctor has me on BiPolar (BP) medication, valiums, and yesterday put me on wellbutrin because I can't deal with this. I have never been on an antidepressant before, I was always a even keeled happy person.The detaching has begun...... today.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Big big hugs. I've been exactly where you are. It hurts.

Sounds like that church very well might be a cult. I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

 

[WhymeMom?]

I can only send you peace.....It is time to remove yourself from this chaos.....take a long hot bath.....forget about the truck for awhile......

 

[Sunlight]

tell the cops about the "church" and see if they have any other complaints.

sell the truck.

 

[Suz]

Kitty, you are going to have to let him- and this whole truck issue- go at this point. Let Dad take care of this. If Billy needs to sign anything to release the truck to the new owners, that will be Dad's problem, not yours. If your friend has the truck towed it's Dad's problem.

Wash your hands of it and take care of YOU.

Go out tonight and see "Hairspray." I guarantee that it will put a smile on your face, even if for a little bit.

Big hugs,
Suz

 

[Suz]

You talked to that jerk, and put up with that abuse, for 45 minutes?

Ally. You can't win with these two at this point. Please don't subject yourself to long conversations (arguments) with them. They aren't hearing you and you are getting hurt further.

Take a look at this thread from our archives. If you have to talk to them, perhaps these responses will help the tone stay calmer......and if not....HANG UP!

http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/list-of-things-to-say-when-detaching.685/

Suz

Kitty, I wrote the above to Ally yesterday. I feel the same way for what you just went through. Read that link. It will help.

S-

 

[scent of cedar]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you WILL recover.

Whoever your son is now, and whatever the reason for the change in him, he is not the boy you raised.

Not anymore.

In some weird way, thinking like that comforts me.

I can, and do, love the son I raised. I remember the way he dressed, the way he walked, his sense of humor and the promise he showed. It makes me happy, to think of him in those old times.

But that son is gone.

I have no clue how to relate to the person who looks a little like my son did ~ and who calls me (and husband) by our first names.

(Generally, while he is demanding money. :faint: )

So many of us have been right where you are, now.

You will make it through this, you will be happy again, you will come to some understanding about how to fit the pieces together and go forward.

It takes such a long time.

It took me a good year to even realize I was so depressed that I was hardly functional. Reviewing the situation compulsively, grieving over the one missing at dinners and holidays ~ all that stuff seemed normal to me.

So, you have a far way to go, but you will get there.

The Serenity Prayer helps. When Suz gave it to me, she told me to read it until I got it. I encourage you to do the same.

It does work.

Here you go. :smile:

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

At the bottoms of my posts, there is a link to the Detachment site. I used to have to banish myself there all the time, just to get through the hours of the days.

I believe myself to have (along with so many of the parents who come here) a form of post-traumatic stress syndrome where my son is concerned.

We all have sustained such a loss, but for us, there is no appropriate place to grieve. Parents who have not lost a child in this way could never understand ~ anymore than I could, before it happened to me.

Please try to put your marriage back together one more time.

We did, and it worked.

We hated one another for a long time first, though! :rofl: :blush:

Know that we all wish you well. Posting about everything as you go through it will help so much.

Again, I am so sorry this is happening to you and to your family.

Barbara

 

[Hound dog]

I'd also contact the police to see if there have been other complaints about this "church". Sounds like it may be a cult.

Forget the truck. Let bio dad deal with that issue.

Step back and take care of YOU for a while.

Saying prayers and sending warm (((hugs))).

 

[standswithcourage]

I agree with the detaching and the Serenity Prayer. I go to a parents group called Alanon. It is a wonderful support group for parents of alcoholic/drug abusers either children or spouses or anyfamily member. We say that prayer every time we are there. The detaching is so hard as a mother because we fear so much something bad happening to our child. As a mother we are there to protect and nurture and this goes against our "grain". Here's to hope that everyone can detach in there own way and achieve peace of some kind.

 

[Ally]

I am pretty much in the same boat minus the truck. Hang in there. Let his dad deal with the truck, its in his name, not in yours. Let it go. Dealing with this is not your problem, its your difficult child's and his dads. He is 20 and needs to stand on his own two feet.

Man... I need take my own advice.

(((((Hugs)))))

Ally

 

[witzend]

I'm so sorry. I have been there and done that. For all intents and purposes, M is at least not on this planet, if he is alive at all to me. Today is his 21st birthday. I'm hurt and saddened by where we are - or aren't. While there was no "church", real or imagined, involved with him, there are a series of teachers and adults who stopped medications, stopped therapy, gathered around him in support when he made stupid decisions, blinded by his teenage rebellion against me, because he had taken teenage rebellion to a level of hatred that shouldn't be held against your average parent.

Maybe some day he will come into my life again. But he will not be welcomed as my son. If he should come into my life again he will come with the burden of a stranger at best. Someone I don't know. If I am feeling charitable enough, I will view him with the suspicion I would of that of a stranger who has done horrible things in the past that were directly aimed at harming my peace and well-being.

I'm sorry for your pain today. I do know how conflicted you feel. If what you are wanting is to sell the truck, do it. He's made his feelings about it pretty clear. He's 20 years old, and whatever quality of person he is, he is an adult. Show him the respect he is due by taking him at his word and doing what he says he wants you to do. Even if it is an idiotic decision. That's what adults get to do.

I apologize if I seem bitter today. Even after years, I figure you still get to, once in a while, when it's your child's birthday and they've had nothing much more to do than amuse themselves and their friends by causing you pain.

 

[rejectedmom]

do what is best for you Kitty. He isn't a little boy anymore and he needs to make his mistakes and take his conseqences. he has no right to spek to you that way and if he wants his truck he needs to act responsibly and tend to his business with grace not abuse. -RM

 

[KFld]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: standswithcourage</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I agree with the detaching and the Serenity Prayer. I go to a parents group called Alanon. It is a wonderful support group for parents of alcoholic/drug abusers either children or spouses or anyfamily member. We say that prayer every time we are there. The detaching is so hard as a mother because we fear so much something bad happening to our child. As a mother we are there to protect and nurture and this goes against our "grain". Here's to hope that everyone can detach in there own way and achieve peace of some kind. </div></div>


Ditto!!! This is the advice I give everyone because it helped me so so much at the beginning of my sons addiction. You can become a person again and live your life. I am proof!!!

 

[muttmeister]

I think you have gotten good advice from everybody. All I can really add is a hug and a prayer.

My youngest difficult child has pulled some of the same stuff. You don't have to take it, nor should you. You have done everything you know how to raise him to be a functioning adult. If he chooses to act like an idiot, that is his choice, not yours. Sell the truck. Ignore the church. If he calls wanting money, etc., hang up. Go do something you like to do that will keep you too busy to think about him. Be glad you are getting some peace while he is not around. I'm sure my son has mental issues and it sometimes helps to remember that he may not be totally in control of all of the stupid things he does. That does not excuse them but it does help me remember the kid he used to be and to not take his foolishness so personally.

I am a pretty forgiving person and if my son gets his act together someday I'm willing to pick up the pieces and try again but I am not willing to be yelled at or taken advantage of. My older difficult child was the worse of my two and when he hit 21 he improved greatly and is doing OK. Sometimes time does heal things. Give it a chance. In the meanwhile, go on with your life knowing the problem is his, not yours.

Good luck.