DarkwingPsyduck
Active Member
Which is why they say that recovery is a marathon, and not a race. An event.
My son relapsed....
- Thread starter RN0441
- Start date
.BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Hey, a post sbout YOU right now. Was the therapy helpful?
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thanks to all that responded.
I started crying when I walked in and told her why I was there. I didn't know where to begin....so I did the best I could to unload how we got to where we are today.
As I mentioned, his overdose put me over the top. The replaying of it over and over in my head. Knowing this is not child's play. This isn't just an annoyance. This just got real. This is no longer a game. I have no control over any of it and how hard that is.
We discussed things a bit and agreed I will see her every Monday for now and see how things go with him and how it effects me. To work on being loving and supporting with him but with boundaries.
He moves into his PHP today at 10am. I texted his house manager and asked if he will have his phone today. He will not have his phone for a while but after three days he can use the house phone; he will have him call me today when he gets settled. Our conversation yesterday didn't go so well. I have so much anger and I lashed out at him and then didn't feel so good about it. He has to know how much I love him though.
Darkwing: he said what I wanted to hear the first day he was in detox. That things happen for a reason and that now he sees how serious his problem is. I do hope that he means it and follows through. Words are easy but he needs to DO the work. That is what I am waiting to see. Thank you for saying what you said. I know he doesn't WANT to be this way. That makes me feel so sad.
I know I take a lot on myself. It's the overdose. It did me in. It stripped me of everything I had worked to attain in dealing with this.
I started crying when I walked in and told her why I was there. I didn't know where to begin....so I did the best I could to unload how we got to where we are today.
As I mentioned, his overdose put me over the top. The replaying of it over and over in my head. Knowing this is not child's play. This isn't just an annoyance. This just got real. This is no longer a game. I have no control over any of it and how hard that is.
We discussed things a bit and agreed I will see her every Monday for now and see how things go with him and how it effects me. To work on being loving and supporting with him but with boundaries.
He moves into his PHP today at 10am. I texted his house manager and asked if he will have his phone today. He will not have his phone for a while but after three days he can use the house phone; he will have him call me today when he gets settled. Our conversation yesterday didn't go so well. I have so much anger and I lashed out at him and then didn't feel so good about it. He has to know how much I love him though.
Darkwing: he said what I wanted to hear the first day he was in detox. That things happen for a reason and that now he sees how serious his problem is. I do hope that he means it and follows through. Words are easy but he needs to DO the work. That is what I am waiting to see. Thank you for saying what you said. I know he doesn't WANT to be this way. That makes me feel so sad.
I know I take a lot on myself. It's the overdose. It did me in. It stripped me of everything I had worked to attain in dealing with this.
lovemyson1
Well-Known Member
Hi RN,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I remember when my son relapsed after 4 months, I was truly devastated. You are handling it very well. I'm so glad he's in a good place and beginning to work on himself again. He and only he can change when he's ready. Let's hope this time he is. It scares me when you said he saw his girlfriend's mom's pills and it triggered him. I wonder what will happen when my son finally leaves his safe place and is faced with temptations and triggers. Just keep encouraging him RN, it's possible he's ready to stay sober. Hugs to you and your family!
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I remember when my son relapsed after 4 months, I was truly devastated. You are handling it very well. I'm so glad he's in a good place and beginning to work on himself again. He and only he can change when he's ready. Let's hope this time he is. It scares me when you said he saw his girlfriend's mom's pills and it triggered him. I wonder what will happen when my son finally leaves his safe place and is faced with temptations and triggers. Just keep encouraging him RN, it's possible he's ready to stay sober. Hugs to you and your family!
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thanks LMS.
I just talked to him. He is now in the PHP for two weeks back where he started ORIGINALLY when he went to Florida. They won't give him his phone or laptop for 2 weeks but can make house phone calls after 3 days. He said he is glad he's back in Delray but depressed he's "there". Feels like a prisoner. Only there because he has no money. I reminded him he is there because he needs to be there. He needs to take it more seriously this time. We did not send him to Florida to bury him. He needs more support than he thought or than we thought. He always wants to take the easy way out. Oh and he's getting a cold. Ugh.
His dad is going to visit him for his 21st birthday August 26. He asked about that. Said he wants to "do something" for his birthday. My husband wasn't sure he would still go but I told him he needs to go. I don't have as much vacation time and it's a good time for them to repair their relationship which was really good before relapse and now is non-existent. He cannot drink when he is with him and I hope he will keep his promise. My husband likes his beer. Maybe he's taking it all more seriously now too. How can anyone be equipped to handle all of this.
I told my son it's all up to him. He needs the support. He needs to be able to walk away from triggers. They are everywhere.
For now he is safe. Does he get it? Is he willing to put the work in? I just don't know.
I just talked to him. He is now in the PHP for two weeks back where he started ORIGINALLY when he went to Florida. They won't give him his phone or laptop for 2 weeks but can make house phone calls after 3 days. He said he is glad he's back in Delray but depressed he's "there". Feels like a prisoner. Only there because he has no money. I reminded him he is there because he needs to be there. He needs to take it more seriously this time. We did not send him to Florida to bury him. He needs more support than he thought or than we thought. He always wants to take the easy way out. Oh and he's getting a cold. Ugh.
His dad is going to visit him for his 21st birthday August 26. He asked about that. Said he wants to "do something" for his birthday. My husband wasn't sure he would still go but I told him he needs to go. I don't have as much vacation time and it's a good time for them to repair their relationship which was really good before relapse and now is non-existent. He cannot drink when he is with him and I hope he will keep his promise. My husband likes his beer. Maybe he's taking it all more seriously now too. How can anyone be equipped to handle all of this.
I told my son it's all up to him. He needs the support. He needs to be able to walk away from triggers. They are everywhere.
For now he is safe. Does he get it? Is he willing to put the work in? I just don't know.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Thanks DP for your perspective as always, very informative, a heartfelt look from the other side of the struggle.
My two have not even ventured towards rehab. I am not giving up hope, just learning to not be so vested in whatever comes around the corner.
It is a hard journey for all of us, the constant desperation taking a daily toll, as you shared, from both sides of this recurring nightmare called addiction.
Where to find that balance between loving someone with heart and soul when they are on a path to self destruct? How do we go on about our lives with the reality looming over us? It is a grieving of the hardest sort, different in every way from losing a loved one in death. There is a finality in that. It is hard enough to live with that loss, but with this, with our d cs, they are still here on earth. There are so many different shades to this sort of grief. While using, our love for them becomes a weapon turned against us. The lies, manipulation, and theft. It is not so much theft of property, things are replaceable, but that becomes a theft of trust, then it is the theft of our peace of mind and soul that is most egregious.
Though in the throes of using and cycling through rehab/relapse an addicted adult child may not mean to hurt their loved ones, but we are taken on this horror ride that we never bought a ticket for or ever imagined would be happening.
It takes tremendous effort to carry on with some sense of normalcy while our beloveds are on this path. To work past it, while on bended knee we beg for relief and peace.
RN, I am sorry if my previous post was harsh. I think I am writing to myself at the same time, to not put all my eggs in that basket again. To stay focused and not get sucked into the pit of despair. To hold my distance, but have compassion. To not go so far to the other side and become cynical and calloused.
My heart goes out to yours dear one. To have your son so close and then have the rug yanked out from under you. I am so sorry for the pain of this. To run the tapes of what could have happened if he did not have help when he od'd. I am praying that your son finds the strength within him to continue to fight the fight.
I am glad that you are seeing a therapist. Having rapport with a professional helped me. I had hit rock bottom and was entirely consumed with what was happening with my two. I am saddened by their choices and lifestyle, but learning to draw the line. I have to, it is survival for me, and my son.
Working to keep that balance is a daily job.
Holding you and my thoughts and prayers warrior mom.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Leafy - Thanks for posting and no it was not harsh at all. I was doing fairly well until he overdosed. I did not expect that. Where did it come from? Out of all the girls he met he had to meet one with an ill mom and a pharmacy in her bedroom? It's like some kind of cruel joke. I continually need to remind myself that it's HIS life. I think that everyone keeps saying "he's so young" is not helping me at all. What does that even mean? That he may not "get it" for a few more years?? I pray that is not what it means. I don't know how I'd feel if I were you and my children were continuing to do drugs and not wanting help and being able to function enough not to get help. I cannot even fathom what that must feel like and I give you so much credit for your strength and courage. You are one amazing warrior mom!
I really hope that this happened for a reason. I will continue to encourage him to give 100% to the program THIS TIME. I told him we will not financially support him if he leaves the program. I have to do this to save his life. He cannot do this on his own. He needs support and I'm hoping that he will change and see that. I now have a solid reason to not give in. This will help me to be strong. I now KNOW he has to fully invest in being sober. There is no half way here. I hope he doesn't give me a hard time but if he does I will have to cut him off and redirect him.
The only way he can not be in the program as I see it is if he gets a full time job and can pay his own way. If that is the case there is nothing I can do to stop him and he's really on his own. I just don't see that happening anytime soon.
I really hope that this happened for a reason. I will continue to encourage him to give 100% to the program THIS TIME. I told him we will not financially support him if he leaves the program. I have to do this to save his life. He cannot do this on his own. He needs support and I'm hoping that he will change and see that. I now have a solid reason to not give in. This will help me to be strong. I now KNOW he has to fully invest in being sober. There is no half way here. I hope he doesn't give me a hard time but if he does I will have to cut him off and redirect him.
The only way he can not be in the program as I see it is if he gets a full time job and can pay his own way. If that is the case there is nothing I can do to stop him and he's really on his own. I just don't see that happening anytime soon.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Leafy I have been thinking about what you said; that his rock bottom is rehab. He does not entertain the idea of being in a shelter at all.
I will have to focus more on that in my future dealings with him. I don't like the fact that we are in control of his life. I want him to take control - he is almost 21! But I think it's how it must be for now.
When he got to PHP yesterday he was upset that he could not have his phone or computer for 2 weeks. His house manager contacted me and reiterated that these items were owned by us. Yes that is correct. He has to follow the rules. He wants his own way. I hate that he is there acting like an ass!
Again yesterday he told me he does not want to live in rehabs, sober livings etc. for the rest of his life. I am not sure why he keeps saying this. These are the choices HE has made. I'm not going to swoop in and fix all of his messes. He has to now go through the program again. I cannot understand why he keeps complaining to me. I don't want to hear it anymore.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
When I write that to folks I mean that I understand the level of concern and struggle to go "all in" and do whatever it takes to try to help, to try to stop the mad descent into this hell. Not to say that this will go on for years for your son, but as DP put it, it is a marathon. Some get it sooner than others and some don't.
Mine don't. Not yet. It is not that I am not concerned for my two, it is that I have exhausted and depleted myself to the point that I had to "pull back" and let the chips lie where they be. There is only so much one can do, or take.
I don't think you could even call it functioning. Maybe barely surviving. They are going from one disaster to the next, existing on food stamps, drifting from getting into emergency housing to getting kicked out, couch surfing, living with relatives and friends until they wear out the welcome there. That is the kind of life my grands have lived. As far as I know, Rain is still homeless.
If I stayed deep in the "game", I would be a basket case. As I write this, Tornado has been "camping out" here, while Volcano and the kids are elsewhere. I need to get her out. She needs to do something to improve her life and it doesn't happen here. She uses my home as a vacation away from her troubles, partying with her friends, staying out all night. It is the same ole, same ole. She is 27. Three kids. Abusive, drugging baby daddy.
Rain is 36. Cycled in and out of bad relationships for years, drinking, then turned to meth. Don't know how long she has been using, but it led to her being homeless.
We spent years trying to help both of them, I am worn down by their choices, RN, just so bloody tired of it.
I dont feel so strong at this point. Building up the chutzpah to face Tornado and tell her to get packing.....again.....she is avoiding the subject, going from being helpful to staying out all night. I am not her vacation hide away where she can blow her life and her kids off. Doesn't work that way. These adult " kids" just don't seem to get it. Expect everyone who is functioning, working for a living to pick up the pieces of the mess they make. Yet, they look at the life we lead with distaste? They drift from one disaster to the next, hold a pity party for help, then proceed to party on. It gets awfully old after so many years. That is why sometimes my posts are strong. It has been so many years of this.
It is not to say that it will be the same for your son, RN, everyone is different. As far as I know, my two have not od'd. I don't know how I would deal with that.
I have had to develop and build walls around my heart so as not to be completely devastated and distraught by the lifestyle these two are choosing.
I think this is a reasonable place for you to be RN. Even though you may question your sons motive, that he would rather be in treatment then the alternative of being homeless, that is a deterrent for him. He has a rock bottom there. That is good in my book.
Rain has seemed to accept her lot, has a " routine" of dumpster diving, left the hospital to go and recycle her cans for spare change. Despises the "norm" of working and striving to have a roof over her head. It is a mystery to me how she lives this way.
We are at different junctions in this journey. I do not accept the lifestyle that my two choose, just the fact that there is not much I can do to change it. I am past the point of trying, because it has not worked. I have absolutely no control over their choices. I have spent too many years suffering over them.
That is not to say that your efforts will not work for your son. I hope and pray he will keep reaching for sobriety. But there does come a time when we reach a tipping point. So yes, RN, if he gives you a hard time, definitely set boundaries and redirect him. You have a life to live and you matter.
That is what I will tell my daughter when I see her. She has got to make a life for herself, to learn to be self sufficient. At this point, once again, she is just using my home to go out and numb herself from the reality of her life. That is unacceptable.
Stay strong warrior mom. We are all on different fronts of this battle, each with our own unique circumstances.
The one thing that rings true for all of us is that our lives and peace of mind matters.
Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
RN, good morning, we must have been posting about the same time.
This is a bargaining chip for you, and I hope it works.
Just lies, excuses and more of the same story.
Ugh.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
You have to do what you have to do to be able to look in the mirror. This control you have is fleeting. It is based on his fear of living on the streets, and your paying for his rehab. The hard reality in this is that we have no control over the choices of our adult children. His rock bottom is homelessness or a shelter, not rehab. Rehab seems to be a middle ground.
This is why I say it is his middle ground, is he there because he wants to be there, he wants to be sober, or because his worst nightmare is going to a shelter?
This is a bargaining chip for you, and I hope it works.
I think this is an eye opener and a something to be mindful of. You have got this horse to water, but is he really drinking it? Is he using rehab as just a place to stay, to keep from being homeless? Guard your heart and your sanity as you go through this dear. Keep going to therapy so you get help building yourself up in case this gets drawn out.
Here is a good clue for all of us. A display of humility and remorse. I haven't seen that at all with my two.
Just lies, excuses and more of the same story.
Ugh.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
DarkwingPsyduck
Active Member
An active addict, or an addict new to recovery, can never be taken for their word. We are a manipulative lot, and we know what people want to hear. Talking the talk is something ANY addict can do. We are a lot like sociopaths in that we know what to say, and how to say it, but there is no real feeling behind the words. Just reciting a very well practiced script. Don't feel bad about not trusting him, either. Because of HIS actions, he has lost your trust. It is hard to know that people do not trust you, but accepting it is a part of the recovery process. Humility comes in here, again. He didn't demolish your trust in him over night, and he certainly wont repair it over night. Trust is earned, and should be harder to earn back every time it is betrayed. Since you are neither dumb, or insane, you shouldn't trust him.
His actions immediately following this relapse will be very telling. Is there real emotion behind his words? Do you think he is truly feeling the weight of his problems? Have all of his responses since this relapse been upbeat, and generally positive? They really shouldn't be. Set backs are painful. I was always very depressed, and beaten down after relapsing. It was hard to get back up. The way he tells you things will be way more telling than his actual words. I suggest you carefully examine his statements, and answers to questions. If it feels superficial, it most likely is.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Darkwing: He seemed upbeat after a night's sleep first day in detox. Said he felt a lot better physically (had a sore stomach and chest from the violent throwing up after being given whatever at hospital). He said what I wanted to hear also; that everything happens for a reason and that he now sees he has a serious problem and believes he can benefit from NA.
Since that call not as upbeat. Yesterday he arrived at PHP (after 1 week in detox) and stated he felt like he was in prison. No cell phone or lap top for 2 weeks although he can use house phone after 3 days. He also stated that he doesn't want to live in these "places" forever. DUH he is there because he put himself there. Stop putting that on me! I keep on telling him that HE showed us HE needs more support. (The house he is in now is very nice. I did see it when we visited in April. They keep them very busy 24/7).
His house manager called to confirm that we own the phone, the laptop and the car. Yes. Legally they cannot keep anything from him if it is HIS but he would not be able to stay there. However they have my permission to keep everything away until he EARNS it back.
I told him that HE cannot do this on his own. He tried while in sober living. It isn't enough. It's okay, no one expects him to do it on his own.
I have not talked to him today so I don't know where his head is. I hope he doesn't call for a few days until he gets it together. I am still angry but keep thinking about what you said about not treating him like he ruined Christmas. Although he did ruin my birthday, I did not tell him that. It's also a good possibility he will ruin Christmas.
His dad is supposed to visit him in August and spend his 21 birthday with him. He doesn't really want to go. Is angry about OD and car. I told him he has to go. Don't you agree? Can't hold our love out on him. I don't know if that would be an appropriate punishment if he doesn't go. His dad would not be doing it to punish him but he's just pissed off.
Do you agree with me telling him if he leaves this place he would have to go to a shelter and get a job and be on his own? I do not support him emotionally or financially if he does not go through this program and give it 100%. I really feel now that it's a matter of life and death. He has 2 weeks in this house and then back to IOP where he has more freedom.
Since that call not as upbeat. Yesterday he arrived at PHP (after 1 week in detox) and stated he felt like he was in prison. No cell phone or lap top for 2 weeks although he can use house phone after 3 days. He also stated that he doesn't want to live in these "places" forever. DUH he is there because he put himself there. Stop putting that on me! I keep on telling him that HE showed us HE needs more support. (The house he is in now is very nice. I did see it when we visited in April. They keep them very busy 24/7).
His house manager called to confirm that we own the phone, the laptop and the car. Yes. Legally they cannot keep anything from him if it is HIS but he would not be able to stay there. However they have my permission to keep everything away until he EARNS it back.
I told him that HE cannot do this on his own. He tried while in sober living. It isn't enough. It's okay, no one expects him to do it on his own.
I have not talked to him today so I don't know where his head is. I hope he doesn't call for a few days until he gets it together. I am still angry but keep thinking about what you said about not treating him like he ruined Christmas. Although he did ruin my birthday, I did not tell him that. It's also a good possibility he will ruin Christmas.
His dad is supposed to visit him in August and spend his 21 birthday with him. He doesn't really want to go. Is angry about OD and car. I told him he has to go. Don't you agree? Can't hold our love out on him. I don't know if that would be an appropriate punishment if he doesn't go. His dad would not be doing it to punish him but he's just pissed off.
Do you agree with me telling him if he leaves this place he would have to go to a shelter and get a job and be on his own? I do not support him emotionally or financially if he does not go through this program and give it 100%. I really feel now that it's a matter of life and death. He has 2 weeks in this house and then back to IOP where he has more freedom.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Leafy
Good point. I am not yet sure if he is drinking the water or he's just using the rehab as a place that is NOT homelessness or shelter (which I consider to be one and the same). I will know more in the days that come based on the conversations that are to come. He did say yesterday he is only there because he has no money. I then told him he is there because he NEEDS to be there. Not even sure if my words do ANYTHING at all. But I'm not letting him say that to me open ended.ever.period. When he talks like that I literally want to wring his neck!!
In a nutshell, I do think he wants to be sober and live a normal life and be successful. I just don't think he wants to do the work he needs to do to be the person he wants to be/can be. I don't know how he will overcome that obstacle and nothing I can do. I know that.
DarkwingPsyduck
Active Member
Yes, I agree entirely with everything you have done since this relapse. There is no point in laying out rules if they aren't going to be enforced. It is important that you follow through with consequences. 100%. That is the only way to stop enabling entirely. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to know that your son might be asleep on a park bench somewhere, and to not do anything. I have been the one on the park benches, though. Before I started using drugs, and before I came into contact with the aunt and uncle I am with now. I only bring it up to tell you that it is the loneliest, and most desperate I had ever felt. I would have done just about anything to escape that situation. That is what your son may need to experience. True rock bottom. It can't be easy to let your own child plummet head first into a deep pit, but you can only really help him out once he stops falling. That means he may need to hit the bottom of his pit. Experience a few nights like I did. The consequences of using drugs must be less appealing than the idea of getting high.
He is still so new to recovery. It's a bit strange, though. He has supposedly been at it long enough to have learned more than he is demonstrating to you. It isn't always about the length of clean time. Anybody can be clean when chained to a floor. Without truly treating the problem, he is very likely to use the moment those chains are removed. There is a huge difference between being sober, and being clean. Being clean is CHOOSING to be sober. Being sober is merely a result of not using mind altering substance, be it willingly or not. He still hasn't shown much, if any, humility. He still thinks he can somehow do this HIS way, despite all evidence to the contrary. Addiction is similar to a delusion. A belief held despite lack of evidence, and in spite of evidence to the contrary. How can he be truly ready to get answers to questions he isn't even bothering to ask? He still thinks he "gets it". He has one foot in recovery, and the other in active use. Both propositions are an all or nothing kind of deal. It can only be one, or the other. Recovery shouldn't be comfortable. It shouldn't be enjoyable. The end result of recovery is enjoyable. His discomfort should eventually serve as another reason to keep his
together. He needs to know that the alternative to being clean is this discomfort he is experiencing right now. It is a matter of life and death, you aren't being hyperbolic there. I have seen addicts die. Miraculously, I did not. Nor did any close friends of mine. Just using buddies here and there. You are not overreacting about it. There are really only 2 possible destinations for an addict who continues to use; a prison cell, or a pine box. Do you know if he has ever seen or known an addict who died due to use? It is very difficult to ignore that possibility after experiencing it second or third hand. Even though I continued to use, it was always in the back of my mind. At the very least, it did keep me from going nuts with it, and pumping as much into my system I possibly could.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Darkwing:
He has seen people die that he knew from a heroin overdose, yes. Since he does not use heroin, he thinks that he is safe maybe? I don't know. I told him that more people die from prescription pills than heroin because they think it's safe. Hey it's a prescription from a doctor!! I have literally talked until I can talk no more. I'm talked out.
He has been in rehab 5 times so he's not really new to it all. He is pretty well educated on all of it.
You bring up some good points in your response that I need to think about.
I thank you for your analysis.
He has seen people die that he knew from a heroin overdose, yes. Since he does not use heroin, he thinks that he is safe maybe? I don't know. I told him that more people die from prescription pills than heroin because they think it's safe. Hey it's a prescription from a doctor!! I have literally talked until I can talk no more. I'm talked out.
He has been in rehab 5 times so he's not really new to it all. He is pretty well educated on all of it.
You bring up some good points in your response that I need to think about.
- Clean versus sober. Can he stay clean/sober on his own? No. Not for now. Maybe not for a very long time.
- Recovery shouldn't be comfortable. He certainly isn't comfortable right now. But I see that as a good thing and it sounds like I'm on the right track with my thinking based on what you've said. He wants to come and go as he pleases and he cannot now or anytime soon due to his extreme relapse yet he asks me if he has to live like this forever. I don't know. That is a question he has to ask himself!! It has just been proven to him that the alternative to him using is THIS which he dislikes but is that enough??
- He has one foot in. He surely has so far since he got to Florida and maybe this is the result of one foot in. I am going to bring this up with him the next time I talk to him
- Humility. Ah..no. Need to see some of that from him.
I thank you for your analysis.
DarkwingPsyduck
Active Member
No addict is any better or worse than your son. In fact, we are all the same. It doesn't matter what happened BEFORE we started to use. What matters is that we all eventually lost control, and can no longer get better on our own. Your son can probably recite the 12 steps from memory, and much of the "Just for Today" booklet. He has been there, and he has listened to all the words, but he has yet to feel their weight. Until he can give himself and his pride up entirely, he will continue going around in circles. It seems so insane and stupid from the outside, doesn't it? To watch us spin our wheels, and get nowhere? But that is just the nature of this beast. Addicts are the type that need to put their hand on the hot stove many times before finally getting it. Or put their fingers in electrical outlets. We function similarly to a child, or a mental patient. That is what this disease does to us. I am not a stupid person, but I know I must have looked beyond ridiculous to anybody on the outside watching me. Addiction doesn't care how high our IQ is, or how wealthy or family is, or anything else. It turns the most intelligent, wise, strong, well brought up person into a bumbling child, and a criminal.
He needs to give himself over entirely. Anything less than 100% commitment is a relapse waiting to happen. He can't do this on his own. He has demonstrated that numerous times. His way doesn't work. Continuing to do the same thing over and over, despite negative outcomes, is literal insanity. And insane people should not be in charge of their treatment. He needs to accept the simple fact that he isn't going to enjoy the process, that it is difficult, but necessary. Time to suck it up and just do it. Give himself entirely to those who have actually done it, and know what they are talking about. Your son is not an expert at recovery. He is an expert at failing to recover. Two very different things. He needs to see this.
DarkwingPsyduck
Active Member
He still believes there are short cuts somewhere. He is still looking for the loop holes. This is the classic trait of an addict not fully committed to recovery. It is also a trait of an addict that is at least right on the edge of commitment. The only way out of this is straight through it. No shortcuts, no cop outs. He needs to truly and fully devote himself.
Ask him what it could possibly hurt to try something new this time? I mean, the worst that can happen is he fails, precisely as he is failing now. His way is an almost guaranteed relapse. Maybe the other way (the right way) will also end in failure, but he owes it to himself to at least try.
Ask him what it could possibly hurt to try something new this time? I mean, the worst that can happen is he fails, precisely as he is failing now. His way is an almost guaranteed relapse. Maybe the other way (the right way) will also end in failure, but he owes it to himself to at least try.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Yes yes thank you for your insight. I probably won't talk to him until tomorrow but what you have said it PRICELESS. Thank you so much.
Please don't be offended but I am so glad to see that your drug use has not damaged your brain...you are extremely intelligent and articulate. Wow. I've been dealing with this for years and I can tell you that your knowledge and articulation is well above anyone I have ever spoken to.
What was your drug of choice and how did you finally get clean? NA? rehab? How long have you been clean.
You give us all HOPE.
Please don't be offended but I am so glad to see that your drug use has not damaged your brain...you are extremely intelligent and articulate. Wow. I've been dealing with this for years and I can tell you that your knowledge and articulation is well above anyone I have ever spoken to.
What was your drug of choice and how did you finally get clean? NA? rehab? How long have you been clean.
You give us all HOPE.
This is so true! That is how I knew my daughter was not serious about recovery. She thought the rules were stupid and was always looking for a way to get around them. Opening yourself up to following the steps is called surrender in AA.
The reason I am hopeful this time is that my daughter is now truly working the steps. She is no longer fighting what they tell her she needs to do. She says things like she is working on humility and contentment.
I've heard addicts that were successful in recovery say that they had finally reached the point where they realized their way was not working and that they were truly willing to give the steps a try. One said she was at the point where if they said jump, she jumped. She has been sober now for 20 years.
That is why I have said in the past that I worry about your son's recovery. I haven't seen that surrender in your posts.
That said, it may still happen. It took my daughter 10 years and 5 rehabs and countless sober houses before she got to this point. What I did learn in that time is that her recovery is not in my control and I couldn't make it happen. She had to be tired of living the life of active addiction. In fact, one of her favorite sayings now is "I don't have to live like that anymore."
~Kathy
