my step son

[trap485276]

I need advice on how to deal with my step son. He is 22 and lives with us
he claims he makes no money but has money to go out drinking and shopping not to mention that with in a month he saved enough to take a trip to Europe.
we gave him and my son the down payment for new cars with the understanding that they would make the monthly payments they both agreed, my son has never missed one payment along with paying for his own car insurance and all his expenses. I have tried telling my husband that we are not teaching him to be financially smart. my husband tried talking to him and explained that we feel that is has taking advantage of us we are both driving ten year old cars we can't afford to but a new car due to the fact that we have incurred more them six hundred dollars a month with his bills. and he is always asking for gas money on top of it. I am starting to resent him living with us but i don't want to tell him to move out i know that would hurt my husband. I have told my husband that is not fair that my son is paying all his bills and never ask for spending money while his son is living with out any responsibilities. My husband says we can't expect the same from his son since he doesn't make the amount of money my son makes, my thinking is he choose his career path he needs to live with in those means. and funny that his is able to save enough for a price vacation in a very short time.
while we have not being able to go on any vacation in the past two years.
my last thought at their age i feel that free room and board is helping them
enough.

 

[BusynMember]

Welcome to the board. We do have one forum for parents of grown kids (Parent Emeritus). I do have grown kids anyway so my question is: He's working, why give him OR your son any money? They are old enough to pay for their own expenses. If your step can't afford the car he has, he should buy a car he can afford to walk. And no rent at his age? Haha. Wouldn't be happening in my house. ANd YOU have ten year old cars while they have nice cars? Again, wouldn't be happening.And any grown kid that went out drinking every night would be doing it in his own quarters, not mine.
JMO. I'm tough on grown kids. They need to become men. If stepson can afford a European vacation, he can pay his own bills. I wouldn't want to pay him a dime. Of course, it's tricky because he's not your son. Was he always difficult and irresponsible?

 

[trap485276]

Welcome to the board. We do have one forum for parents of grown kids (Parent Emeritus). I do have grown kids anyway so my question is: He's working, why give him OR your son any money? They are old enough to pay for their own expenses. If your step can't afford the car he has, he should buy a car he can afford to walk. And no rent at his age? Haha. Wouldn't be happening in my house. ANd YOU have ten year old cars while they have nice cars? Again, wouldn't be happening.And any grown kid that went out drinking every night would be doing it in his own quarters, not mine.
JMO. I'm tough on grown kids. They need to become men. If stepson can afford a European vacation, he can pay his own bills. I wouldn't want to pay him a dime. Of course, it's tricky because he's not your son. Was he always difficult and irresponsible?

He has always being irresponsible unless is important to him.thanks for the honesty. I don't mind driving the old cars to help them out, one thing is help him, the other is him abusing our kindness.

 

[busywend]

You really can not expect the same from each kid. Each will behave and react in different ways. I do not think it is fair to compare. However, this kid seems to be taking real advantage of you nice parents and it should stop. How does he get money? Are you sure he is not selling drugs?

What ever happened with the other son - one of your 4 - that was in trouble for harrassment?

Do your kids have any behavioral disorders? What brings you to this site?

 

[susiestar]

I would be furious and resentful in your situation.

husband is crippling his son. The boy/man clearly CAN earn money. He needs to grow up and support himself. He will NEVER grow up unless you and husband cut off the money flow. It is like insisting a ten year old can only drink out of a baby bottle - totally absurd!

If he can earn the $$ for a vacation to Europe in just a month i would want to know what he is doing. With that kind of money he should be able to live a very nice life on his salary. It may be tough at times until he learns that they evict you, turn off the water and power, and repo the car if you don't pay your bills.

If he isn't working a job that provides that kind of money how did he get enough for the vacation? It sounds like drugs may be part of his equation. It is one of the few ways a person with no saving and a low paying job could get that money that fast. Most people work for years to save up money for a vacation to Europe.

It is time to kick him out. Give him notice (be sure to check with the court because you might actually have to do an eviction if he has been living in your home.) and then change the locks.

You may have to draw a line in the sand about what you will and will not tolerate. If possible it may be wise to see a therapist to help you address this with husband.

If you are to have him live with you then maybe you should think about doing drug testing with him - just don't tell him even 10 minutes ahead of time. With all his partying the chances he is using are extremely high.

If he is using, then every single dollar you spend supporting him, giving him money for gas, not charging rent and utilities, it ALL is enabling his drug or alcohol abuse. Al Anon or Narc Anon would be very valuable meetings for you and husband. If he won't go don't let it stop you from going. It won't hurt anything if he isn't using. If he is using, it could help you save his life. If he doesn't have support then he may actually "hit bottom" and decide to change.

I feel sorry for your son. He works hard, follows the rules, pays his bills and then gets his nose rubbed in the fact that he isn't good enough for you to pay HIS way like you pay stepbro's bills. There has to be some resentment there and if you don't work to put a stop to the enabling of stepbro then you may seriously damage your relationship with your son.

GEntle hugs, it is hard to see the situation as clearly as you do and then have to wait for your partner to see the light.

 

[trap485276]

You really can not expect the same from each kid. Each will behave and react in different ways. I do not think it is fair to compare. However, this kid seems to be taking real advantage of you nice parents and it should stop. How does he get money? Are you sure he is not selling drugs?

What ever happened with the other son - one of your 4 - that was in trouble for harrassment?

Do your kids have any behavioral disorders? What brings you to this site?

I am sure he is not selling any drugs he works full time as artist.
regarding my youngest we still have a court coming up wish us luck!
my youngest has ADD. he react with out thinking but has a heart of gold has never be disrespectful to us.

 

[trap485276]

I would be furious and resentful in your situation.

husband is crippling his son. The boy/man clearly CAN earn money. He needs to grow up and support himself. He will NEVER grow up unless you and husband cut off the money flow. It is like insisting a ten year old can only drink out of a baby bottle - totally absurd!

If he can earn the $$ for a vacation to Europe in just a month i would want to know what he is doing. With that kind of money he should be able to live a very nice life on his salary. It may be tough at times until he learns that they evict you, turn off the water and power, and repo the car if you don't pay your bills.

If he isn't working a job that provides that kind of money how did he get enough for the vacation? It sounds like drugs may be part of his equation. It is one of the few ways a person with no saving and a low paying job could get that money that fast. Most people work for years to save up money for a vacation to Europe.

It is time to kick him out. Give him notice (be sure to check with the court because you might actually have to do an eviction if he has been living in your home.) and then change the locks.

You may have to draw a line in the sand about what you will and will not tolerate. If possible it may be wise to see a therapist to help you address this with husband.

If you are to have him live with you then maybe you should think about doing drug testing with him - just don't tell him even 10 minutes ahead of time. With all his partying the chances he is using are extremely high.

If he is using, then every single dollar you spend supporting him, giving him money for gas, not charging rent and utilities, it ALL is enabling his drug or alcohol abuse. Al Anon or Narc Anon would be very valuable meetings for you and husband. If he won't go don't let it stop you from going. It won't hurt anything if he isn't using. If he is using, it could help you save his life. If he doesn't have support then he may actually "hit bottom" and decide to change.

I feel sorry for your son. He works hard, follows the rules, pays his bills and then gets his nose rubbed in the fact that he isn't good enough for you to pay HIS way like you pay stepbro's bills. There has to be some resentment there and if you don't work to put a stop to the enabling of stepbro then you may seriously damage your relationship with your son.

GEntle hugs, it is hard to see the situation as clearly as you do and then have to wait for your partner to see the light.

Thank for the support and straight forward feedback. I myself had concern that he was doing drugs so i bought a home kit and told my husband that i was concern due to the fact that my other children had my a promise to them self that they would not get involved with drugs it's something i talk to them about regulary and openly to make sure they keep their promise.
my stepsn was negative ever time. he just like to spend his money on clothes movies vacation and fun!! were do i sign up.

 

[BusynMember]

Is he actually getting paid to be an artist or is he just drawing and trying to sell them? That wouldn't pass my muster for working.

I personally am an older mom, and I'm starting to want to do things myself. My kids were paying for their own insurance as soon as they could drive--they got jobs. They also paid for their own gas. There was no choice. We couldn't afford insurance or gas so they paid or they didn't drive. I think it really helped them in their lives as they get older. They are grown now with really good work ethics. I wouldn't sacrifice that much for grown up kids--you have a life to live too, and you aren't getting any younger. You shouldn't have to support this man.

It's up to you and hub, of course, but I feel you do your kids more harm than good by enabling childish behavior in an adult. Whether or not he is doing drugs, he is acting like he's fifteen years old and it's party time. All I can say is, it wouldn't happen on my dime. You don't owe your grown kids new cars, clothes, money, etc. We can't be there for them forever and they have to learn to be capable adults without us.

JMO

 

[trap485276]

Again midwest mom thanks for your words of wisdom. I have told my husband that the reason he lives with us since the day i met my husband is his mother only takes him shopping but has never made a dentist appointment support him in schooling, all he knows go shopping when you are upset or go on vacation just like Mom but know I'M paying for the lack of discipline. my oldest is my pride and joy he is focused kind and saves for rain days.

 

[aeroeng]

You are probably not going to like this, but I would cut the fanatical strings. If the car is in your name or if you have co-signed for it, take it for yourself. Give him the old one or let him make his own choices. If it is in his name tell him this is the last payment and stop paying for it. If it gets repossessed, it is not on your credit and again he has to face the consequence. I would also demand house rules and rent. No rent then evict. Offer to help find a low cost place or to show him where the nearest homeless shelter is. If allowed he will suc k it out of you forever, and will never grow up. You simply do not have the finances to support him at this level and you should not have to.