My stepdaughter wants to move in!

[Second Time Around]

Lioness, I know this is very hard for you, especially as I'm assuming that your cultural background probably encourages family members taking care of each other. I want to support everyone's advice that you say NO and be firm. I know it is really hard to do that when it means upsetting people you love. It's important to remember that YOU are valuable and important. You can't control others' behavior. You can only set limits on what you will do and allow and let them react against that. Your husband loves you, but his love may be less than his fears for his daughter. Right now he can't see that giving her a place to stay will hurt her rather than help her. A lot of adult kids with issues only start to improve their lives when they're forced to move out and take care of themselves. Otherwise, they just live at home and expect their parents to take care of them.

I just had to say no to my husband in a similar situation involving his 50-year-old cousins living with us. His aunt and uncle had five sons who are now all in their 50's. Three of them have good jobs and families and are doing well. One has bipolar disorder and has been living with his elderly mother for years and mooching off her. He does not work and does nothing to help around the house even though she is in poor health and can hardly get around. The fifth brother has some other sort of mild cognitive disorder. We're not sure what it is. He was working for several years and last year lost his job due to getting arrested for assault. He's been living at home with their mother as well. The two men argue and fight often and the sheriff has been called out several times. Their mother doesn't do anything about this. Last week, the sheriff issued a no-contact order between the sons as he was tired of getting called to their house for disputes. So suddenly one of them had to move out as they can no longer live together. My husband told me he would like to offer that one of the cousins to stay with us to "help out". He felt "responsible" to help his well-functioning cousin, who was very distressed and frantically trying to make arrangements for his brothers.

I told him that I didn't like the idea of either of them living with us. Husband was upset. I explained that this would be very stressful for us. They are not easy to be around for long, especially the cousin with bipolar disorder. (And my step-son has a mental illness as well, which takes a lot of our time and energy.) I told him that even if we agreed to let them stay for a few weeks, I was concerned that it might be difficult to get them to leave. Finally we agreed that "if we were asked to help", we would offer to take the cousin with the cognitive disability for a maximum of three weeks, but he would need to find another place to stay after that. Being on this forum helped me to be able to give good reasons for my position and be firm in protecting myself and our family. Fortunately, we were not asked for assistance and they found places on their own and have made appointments to see a therapist. My husband is very kind-hearted and doesn't think through what the effect will be in these kinds of situations, so I have to be "the bad guy" and set limits. I don't enjoy doing this, but I know what I can and cannot live with and I know I have to take care of myself. Good luck to you. We're all sending you support!

 

[Second Time Around]

Sometimes people come here looking for advice, but they aren't ready or will never be ready to say no to others and yes to their own lives. This is not selfishness. These people aren't even nice to you.

You have to either learn to say "no" and stick to it or you will have a really bad life. Most of us are working on saying "no." Most of us have trouble doing it, but we do.

Sometimes I think the request for advice is actually a hidden request for support in being able to stand up for ourselves. If we're in a situation where everyone around us is pushing us to say YES when we know it will not be good for us or for family members, sometimes we just need to talk to others in the same situation and get their support to say NO to feel like we have "permission" to do that, even if we're not consciously aware of it.

 

[Lioness]

Sometimes I think the request for advice is actually a hidden request for support in being able to stand up for ourselves. If we're in a situation where everyone around us is pushing us to say YES when we know it will not be good for us or for family members, sometimes we just need to talk to others in the same situation and get their support to say NO to feel like we have "permission" to do that, even if we're not consciously aware of it.

You are right. I have grown up with the values of pleasing everyone above myself and with my background my self esteem I guess is pretty low. On the outside people see me as popular, gregarious, kind and jolly. Deep inside I'm sometimes fearful, I don't trust too easily and if I'm being totally truthful i angry. Angry mostly with myself for not looking after myself and my interests better. Angry with others for taking advantage of my good nature. I just want everyone to get on and be nice to each other. I have been indoctrinated from a young age to tread carefully around others, keep the peace and sacrifice for others. Ys so hard to change. But I know I must make changes. I'm so tired at the moment and still unwell. Had the MRI today no results for 10 days. Have more tests to follow. Two of my adult kids rang to see how I got on today. Obviously my eldest daughter the one with borderline who is currently freezing me out didn't call, it's everything at the moment, it's all too much. Thanks for listening it really helps.

 

[Lioness]

Second time around. Wow! You had a true dilemma there with your nephews and dealt with it so well. Good for you! Hugs

 

[Second Time Around]

Angry mostly with myself for not looking after myself and my interests better. Angry with others for taking advantage of my good nature. I just want everyone to get on and be nice to each other.

It's ok to have those feelings. It means you are finally awake to the position you are really in. Anger in that situation usually means that something is wrong, that your needs aren't being met. Now your job is to forgive yourself for saying yes when you didn't know how say no. Now you can move forward and take care of yourself and value yourself. If you can find a good therapist, that will be really helpful learn to raise your self-esteem. And keep posting here. This is a wonderful support group. Do you have supportive friends that you can spend time with. Spend more time with them, too.

Also, I think you should let go of expectations that others will treat you well. Some of your family may never do that. Your priority has to be taking care of yourself. Don't look for support from your borderline daughter. You mentioned that she didn't call, which indicates to me that on some level, you are keeping score and saying to yourself, "here's another time when she let me down". You will feel better if you can let go of expecting anything from her and just let her live her life and you live your life. You may have heard some people here talk about radical acceptance. It's accepting that people are who they are and you can't change it and don't judge them. It's a hard thing to do, but it brings peace and releases resentment that the person didn't live up to the ideal you had for them. It doesn't mean that you let them take advantage of you, just that you aren't looking to them for a good relationship.

Take care.

 

[Lioness]

It's ok to have those feelings. It means you are finally awake to the position you are really in. Anger in that situation usually means that something is wrong, that your needs aren't being met. Now your job is to forgive yourself for saying yes when you didn't know how say no. Now you can move forward and take care of yourself and value yourself. If you can find a good therapist, that will be really helpful learn to raise your self-esteem. And keep posting here. This is a wonderful support group. Do you have supportive friends that you can spend time with. Spend more time with them, too.

Also, I think you should let go of expectations that others will treat you well. Some of your family may never do that. Your priority has to be taking care of yourself. Don't look for support from your borderline daughter. You mentioned that she didn't call, which indicates to me that on some level, you are keeping score and saying to yourself, "here's another time when she let me down". You will feel better if you can let go of expecting anything from her and just let her live her life and you live your life. You may have heard some people here talk about radical acceptance. It's accepting that people are who they are and you can't change it and don't judge them. It's a hard thing to do, but it brings peace and releases resentment that the person didn't live up to the ideal you had for them. It doesn't mean that you let them take advantage of you, just that you aren't looking to them for a good relationship.

Take care.

The last paragraphs in your post is a complete revelation to me. Maybe I should accept that my daughter had a mental health issue and it's not her fault and that I should accept that the fairytale Mother Daughter relationship I have always craved for with her is an improbability. I accepted a long time ago that my own mother and father could never give me what I needed as a child and I'm ok with that. I forgive them and accept them. So long as I can see my grand daughter then I'm ok. Thank you so much for your post!

 

[Second Time Around]

The last paragraphs in your post is a complete revelation to me. Maybe I should accept that my daughter had a mental health issue and it's not her fault and that I should accept that the fairytale Mother Daughter relationship I have always craved for with her is an improbability. I accepted a long time ago that my own mother and father could never give me what I needed as a child and I'm ok with that. I forgive them and accept them. So long as I can see my grand daughter then I'm ok. Thank you so much for your post!

Lioness,

It will be so freeing if you can accept that she has an illness and not expect her to treat you well - borderline is a pretty serious illness and very difficult to treat. The person has to WANT treatment and do a lot of work in therapy. Most people with borderline don't think there is anything wrong with themselves - it's everyone else who is the problem. So it's very likely that your daughter will always be this way. It may be genetic since you said that your parents did not parent you well. I think the best you can do is try not to get into arguments with your daughter. Don't respond if she tries to make you feel bad, just let it go. The hard part will be your granddaughter. Your daughter may try to use access to your granddaughter as a weapon against you. If she does, there isn't anything you can do unless she's physically abusing her and you can get custody. You may have to let go of seeing your granddaughter much and send her love from a distance. Much love to you!