Narcissistic daughter in law

[Wickedstepmom]

Hi, I'm new here so if you see something I'm doing wrong, please let me know. Here for advice.

Here's our problem: Middle stepson(SS2) married a narcissist, we all got along. Now comes youngest ss(SS3) who hates me and strongly dislikes his father. SS3 decides he'll fabricate a story to pit SS2 and his wife against us saying we were talking about the wife calling her a "shitty mom", so on and so forth. SO, SS2 asked us about it and we told him the truth, even SS1 who was there at the time of supposed discussion told them the truth. Well, narcissistic daughter in law would rather play victim and believe the lies so she has let this go on for over 3 years now. She refuses to come around, except at Christmas of course. They now have 2 boys who are 18 months and 4 yrs. Every time SS2 comes around, he's got the boys with him. Even when he knows he's coming to do something that prevents him from being able to tend to them. The youngest, who cries if his mama or daddy isn't holding him, won't let anyone hold him or have anything to do with him. My husband had retina repair surgery(6th one) last week, he's not allowed to lift anything above 20 pounds. Yesterday SS2 and SS1 came out to work on deer plots, and of course SS2 had the 2 boys in tow. SS2 acted like he wanted my husband to tend to them, I was at work, but he didn't come out and ask and my husband didn't acknowledge it. Last night my husband found this post on facebook by SS2:

I hate when people are like "you don't bring that baby around here to see nobody , that's why she don't know us." Listen, I am not obligated to do that. I have a house and a cellphone as well as you do. You don't pick up the phone to call and check on her or come by the house to see her, so what makes you think I'm gunna run you down to be in my child's life? One thing about me, I don't push my children off on nobody or run anybody down to get my child. If she doesn't know you or have a bond with you, then that's your fault. That means you didn't play your part.Anybody else relate?

He lived with his father for 20 years and knows he stays busy with the farm plus a 40 hr week job and rarely goes anywhere, besides the fact we don't feel welcome at their house. It has been his(SS2) decision to let his wife go on playing victim instead of trying to make her see the truth. We do have a very close bond to my son's 2 yr old little girl because there have never been any disputes that we couldn't discuss and work out with him or his wife, she and I are actually more like best friends. They live 2 hours away from us and we get our "doodlebug" about once a month and sometimes her mama and daddy come stay with us for the weekend too.

Now, do any of you have any suggestions besides "being the bigger person"? We've already tried that.We will not be humble anymore.

 

[ChickPea]

Does your SS2 come around often with the children? It sounds like when he comes he is in need of a bit of a break and is hoping you two will be able to provide that for him (If I'm reading this correctly). Are you against that?.. I mean, do you not want to watch them? It might be a good way for you to bond with the littles, and might encourage him to bring them around even more often!

My mother was a godsend to me when I brought the kids over. She would often play with them while I enjoyed observing, or just plain breathed a bit. It also gave us time to talk and bond. I really miss that.Maybe you could be that option for him?

 

[Wickedstepmom]

Does your SS2 come around often with the children? It sounds like when he comes he is in need of a bit of a break and is hoping you two will be able to provide that for him (If I'm reading this correctly). Are you against that?.. I mean, do you not want to watch them? It might be a good way for you to bond with the littles, and might encourage him to bring them around even more often!

My mother was a godsend to me when I brought the kids over. She would often play with them while I enjoyed observing, or just plain breathed a bit. It also gave us time to talk and bond. I really miss that.Maybe you could be that option for him?

NO, it's not that we don't want to bond with them. And he's not bringing them to get a break, his wide is forcing him to take them with him wherever he goes so she can get a break. Like I stated, the youngest squalls continuously if his mama or daddy is holding him or at least within arms length. They don't want to come out with the kids and spend some time there so they can get used to us, they just want to drop them off and leave. The 4 yr old isn't bad, he's actually a good child but we can't just take the 18 month old and hope for the best.

 

[JayPee]

Sorry for all your difficulties. Sounds like you have a lot to deal with.

In my opinion I would say you're going to have to set some boundaries. Be clear with your son as to why. If he's not happy about it, well then he's not happy. He isn't now but at least the other way you have made it clear what is "unacceptable behavior" for you and your husband. Let him know that the 18 mo. old isn't comfortable with you yet and it's not going to happen just by dropping her in your lap. It's not fair to the child or to you.

Wishing you the best.

 

[Wickedstepmom]

Sorry for all your difficulties. Sounds like you have a lot to deal with.

In my opinion I would say you're going to have to set some boundaries. Be clear with your son as to why. If he's not happy about it, well then he's not happy. He isn't now but at least the other way you have made it clear what is "unacceptable behavior" for you and your husband. Let him know that the 18 mo. old isn't comfortable with you yet and it's not going to happen just by dropping her in your lap. It's not fair to the child or to you.

Wishing you the best.

Thank you

 

[Nomad]

Nothing wrong...but consider ...If that’s your real name, contact Runnaway Bunny or any moderator to change it. Keeping private is usually a good and best idea.

I had to read quickly as I’m out and your situation needs a more close read.

So , I can only comment from a very general perspective...

Generally, I can tell you that my experience with in law families is usually its best to tread lightly. Pick your battles. Avoid speaking up too quickly. Sometimes, maybe often, you might not know the entire situation. Of course, never allow yourself to be abused. And speak up, but perhaps chose your words carefully and wait for a time when you are calm.

Setting boundaries, especially with difficult people, is often very helpful and wise. Sounds like a tough and frustrating situation.

Wishing you well.

 

[Wickedstepmom]

Nothing wrong...but consider ...If that’s your real name, contact Runnaway Bunny or any moderator to change it. Keeping private is usually a good and best idea.

I had to read quickly as I’m out and your situation needs a more close read.

So , I can only comment from a very general perspective...

Generally, I can tell you that my experience with in law families is usually its best to tread lightly. Pick your battles. Avoid speaking up too quickly. Sometimes, maybe often, you might not know the entire situation. Of course, never allow yourself to be abused. And speak up, but perhaps chose your words carefully and wait for a time when you are calm.

Setting boundaries, especially with difficult people, is often very helpful and wise. Sounds like a tough and frustrating situation.

Wishing you well.

It is VERY VERY frustrating, especially being the WICKED STEPMOTHER. My husband and I have made the decision to, as Elsa would say, "Let it go". He is always telling me this and I do listen to him but it's getting harder and harder when she continues to fabricate more lies.

 

[WiseChoices]

It's passive aggressive to make a Facebook post but not talk to you directly. I would not acknowledge the post, because I refuse to participate in games .I would tell my son that if he has something to say to talk to me directly.

 

[Wickedstepmom]

It's passive aggressive to make a Facebook post but not talk to you directly. I would not acknowledge the post, because I refuse to participate in games .I would tell my son that if he has something to say to talk to me directly.

My thoughts exactly

 

[Copabanana]

I would tell my son that if he has something to say to talk to me directly.

I agree with Wise. I would try not to engage. Not one good thing can come from falling into the trap she's spinning. Between you and me, I would try to visualize her as a spider with a web. Her aim, conscious or not, is to entrap you in her emotional web. This is a kind of dominance. She wants to ensnare you. Don't let this happen.

she continues to fabricate more lies.

She fabricates more and more lies, because this is her web. You would not want to be caught up in a spider's web or any other toxic trap. So, why would you get caught up with her? I agree with your husband. Let it go. Run the other way. Recognize her toxicity for what it is.

She may or may not have any control over what she does. One definition of a personality disorder is seeing the world through its lens. Which is to say she is likely caught up in her own web, which she produces and reproduces. What does this have to do with you? Not a thing. We have no control over the thought patterns and choices of others. ​

 

[Wickedstepmom]

I found out yesterday that she’s also using the children against my ss. She told him Tuesday when he was going to work on deer plots and was taking the 4 yr old that he loved him more than he loved the other one. SMDH

 

[BusynMember1]

She sounds like a troublemaker. I am really sorry.

I would do the best I could to keep her at arm's length, if it were me, and focus on the kids. We can't make others better people.

I do not look at social media anymore. Some people use it for online bullying. My daughter does. I can call or text anyone I communicate with. That is enough.

She sounds like a horrible mother, sadly.

 

[Wickedstepmom]

I agree with Wise. I would try not to engage. Not one good thing can come from falling into the trap she's spinning. Between you and me, I would try to visualize her as a spider with a web. Her aim, conscious or not, is to entrap you in her emotional web. This is a kind of dominance. She wants to ensnare you. Don't let this happen. She fabricates more and more lies, because this is her web. You would not want to be caught up in a spider's web or any other toxic trap. So, why would you get caught up with her? I agree with your husband. Let it go. Run the other way. Recognize her toxicity for what it is.

She may or may not have any control over what she does. One definition of a personality disorder is seeing the world through its lens. Which is to say she is likely caught up in her own web, which she produces and reproduces. What does this have to do with you? Not a thing. We have no control over the thought patterns and choices of others. ​

We aren't entertaining them by reacting to this petty bs and one reason she doesn't like me is because I've called her out on her lies before which no one else will. They all want to keep peace, well the way I was raised is if you had an issue with someone you discussed it. Keeping your mouth shut only lets things build until someone explodes and it's ten times worse.

She sounds like a troublemaker. I am really sorry.

I would do the best I could to keep her at arm's length, if it were me, and focus on the kids. We can't make others better people.

I do not look at social media anymore. Some people use it for online bullying. My daughter does. I can call or text anyone I communicate with. That is enough.

She sounds like a horrible mother, sadly.

She really is. If you saw her house, you'd vomit. We were there back in May for the youngest one's birthday and I had to go to the restroom... there was blood on TOP the seat, and also on the lid, HOW in HELL do you get blood on the lid? I couldn't even sit on it like I normally would in a relative's house but this was more like a run down middle of nowhere truck stop bathroom There were dirty clothes piled up in there, hair everywhere, just plain filth. She invited people to her house, she knew people would need to use the restroom, WHY wouldn't she clean it? She doesn't work and isn't physically disabled so there isn't any excuse except that she's LAZY. Sorry for the rant but I have to let it out somewhere. Thanks y'all.

 

[ChickPea]

NO, it's not that we don't want to bond with them. And he's not bringing them to get a break, his wide is forcing him to take them with him wherever he goes so she can get a break. Like I stated, the youngest squalls continuously if his mama or daddy is holding him or at least within arms length. They don't want to come out with the kids and spend some time there so they can get used to us, they just want to drop them off and leave. The 4 yr old isn't bad, he's actually a good child but we can't just take the 18 month old and hope for the best.

OK gotcha. I maybe read it wrong. Sounds like quite a pickle. It also sounds like they have their own issues at home.

 

[Blindsided]

I agree with those who have said to set boundaries and avoid any temptation to respond via social media. You can't change anything except the way you react. I needed a lot of help with this and have read many books, (noted in my sig line). Knowledge is power.

Detaching emotionally, acquiring the ability to see things from a third party point of view, is key to our own mental health.

Welcome.

In healing