BackintheSaddle
Active Member
Hello All-
I thought I'd write because I got a letter today from my father that was downright nasty-- I blocked him from email so he snail mailed it...he's the narcissist who is now housing my 19 yo difficult child, been writing me nasty emails about how there's nothing wrong with my difficult child, he's a great person, and I'm the problem, disinherited me (he's wealthy you may recall, LOVES holding money over family, big time controlling jerk) because of the latest with difficult child (he doesn't think I should have called 911 when difficult child grabbed and shook me, said 'so what?' and our house is our difficult child's house just as much as it's ours)-- by the way, this is MY father....I fluctuate between shock, anger, despair...I shouldn't have read the damn thing but I couldn't help myself...I did burn it!...;-)...in the past, I would have added it to the pile of similar letters I've received over the years and obsessed for hours/days over how to reply (he disinherited me the first time when difficult child was in 6th grade and hospitalized because he attacked a girl at school-- grabbed her wrist and twisted it--- he thought I shouldn't have him get treatment because difficult child would be 'labelled' for life)...after 3 years of him and my mother totally abandoning me and difficult child, he finally wrote a decent letter (not an apology mind you!-- I think he'd choke if he ever said 'I'm sorry'!), it was Christmas, and I went to their house to put the water under the bridge...worst mistake I ever made was trying to make peace with them...since that time, it took awhile, but my father is THE MOST INFLUENTIAL person in my difficult child's life...difficult child believes everything he says and he says horrible things about me...let's see, the points in the letter are that he's 78 and his whole family is in disarray and it's all my fault- I'm on the outside...even my brother and sister agree that they had a happy childhood so my claims of it not being so peachy keen are clearly my imagination...he brought up mistakes I made as a kid from 40+ years ago, comparing those to what difficult child has done (for example, I called my Dad a male chauvinist pig when I was 12 yo and the Bobby Riggs tennis tournament was all over tv-- the media was using it as a joke so I thought it was funny-- I didn't know what it meant and it was 40+ years ago and god only knows how many times I've apologized for that)...those are the types of horrible things I did that make me the outsider now (he is a male chauvinist to this day---'pig' probably wasn't appropriate though)...;-)
Anyhow, I thought writing to you all about it would help me figure out what to do with all these feelings!!...I tried yoga but can't sit still long enough...I want to go outside and scream at something but it's freaking cold and wet here again...I started to pull out all the documents I have from difficult child's past-- from the school IEP and issues every single year since 2nd grade, and I did keep a notebook of all the nasty letters my father wrote to me a few years ago...that letter is FROM MY DAD...I don't care who you are, it's hard not to wonder if HE's right and I'm the one who's wrong....I'm not replying, I burned the letter and I'm not even going to tell difficult child I got the letter (I doubt he knows about it and would be pissed at granddad)...that's growth, right? how do I stop him from taking away what little empowerment I've built up in myself over the past year? how do I stop doubting myself? does that ever stop? he has my difficult child in his corner...my difficult child, who is so very unhealthy, is surrounded by toxicity that is targeted right at me...there's no hope for reconciliation as long as that man (and my mother) are filling him with poison...my difficult child is an adult but only because of his physical age...he's not mentally an adult and that man can say anything and difficult child will follow him over a cliff...talk about having no control...and no family since he's isolating me from siblings and child...
I thought I'd write because I got a letter today from my father that was downright nasty-- I blocked him from email so he snail mailed it...he's the narcissist who is now housing my 19 yo difficult child, been writing me nasty emails about how there's nothing wrong with my difficult child, he's a great person, and I'm the problem, disinherited me (he's wealthy you may recall, LOVES holding money over family, big time controlling jerk) because of the latest with difficult child (he doesn't think I should have called 911 when difficult child grabbed and shook me, said 'so what?' and our house is our difficult child's house just as much as it's ours)-- by the way, this is MY father....I fluctuate between shock, anger, despair...I shouldn't have read the damn thing but I couldn't help myself...I did burn it!...;-)...in the past, I would have added it to the pile of similar letters I've received over the years and obsessed for hours/days over how to reply (he disinherited me the first time when difficult child was in 6th grade and hospitalized because he attacked a girl at school-- grabbed her wrist and twisted it--- he thought I shouldn't have him get treatment because difficult child would be 'labelled' for life)...after 3 years of him and my mother totally abandoning me and difficult child, he finally wrote a decent letter (not an apology mind you!-- I think he'd choke if he ever said 'I'm sorry'!), it was Christmas, and I went to their house to put the water under the bridge...worst mistake I ever made was trying to make peace with them...since that time, it took awhile, but my father is THE MOST INFLUENTIAL person in my difficult child's life...difficult child believes everything he says and he says horrible things about me...let's see, the points in the letter are that he's 78 and his whole family is in disarray and it's all my fault- I'm on the outside...even my brother and sister agree that they had a happy childhood so my claims of it not being so peachy keen are clearly my imagination...he brought up mistakes I made as a kid from 40+ years ago, comparing those to what difficult child has done (for example, I called my Dad a male chauvinist pig when I was 12 yo and the Bobby Riggs tennis tournament was all over tv-- the media was using it as a joke so I thought it was funny-- I didn't know what it meant and it was 40+ years ago and god only knows how many times I've apologized for that)...those are the types of horrible things I did that make me the outsider now (he is a male chauvinist to this day---'pig' probably wasn't appropriate though)...;-)
Anyhow, I thought writing to you all about it would help me figure out what to do with all these feelings!!...I tried yoga but can't sit still long enough...I want to go outside and scream at something but it's freaking cold and wet here again...I started to pull out all the documents I have from difficult child's past-- from the school IEP and issues every single year since 2nd grade, and I did keep a notebook of all the nasty letters my father wrote to me a few years ago...that letter is FROM MY DAD...I don't care who you are, it's hard not to wonder if HE's right and I'm the one who's wrong....I'm not replying, I burned the letter and I'm not even going to tell difficult child I got the letter (I doubt he knows about it and would be pissed at granddad)...that's growth, right? how do I stop him from taking away what little empowerment I've built up in myself over the past year? how do I stop doubting myself? does that ever stop? he has my difficult child in his corner...my difficult child, who is so very unhealthy, is surrounded by toxicity that is targeted right at me...there's no hope for reconciliation as long as that man (and my mother) are filling him with poison...my difficult child is an adult but only because of his physical age...he's not mentally an adult and that man can say anything and difficult child will follow him over a cliff...talk about having no control...and no family since he's isolating me from siblings and child...