Need advice about kicking 18 year old out of our house, Help!

[Star*]

Pine Valley -

I WOULD---------ABSOLUTELY........POSITIVELY....GO with your son to his IEP meeting on MONDAY and yes, they are right - at 18 you have no LEGAL recourse to be invited to ANY of these meetings - HOWEVER you can REQUEST IN WRITING signed by both you and your husband and son- sent registered mail and hand delivered (DO both) that you are to be included in ANY and ALL formal and informal meetings, gatherings, IEP, and non-IEP meetings or any talks regarding your sons education from (date it) this day forward. Name you and husband as your sons representatives and make it as if your son WROTE the letter to the school district and copy the principal and the school district and send registered letters to both and copy both (sound redundant here but been a while to think back) also at the bottom if you do have a counselor or a lawyer for the sake of being cautious - CC: that name or firm. And send THEM a copy or if you do not? CC: a local Federation of Families representative, and the name of your NEW psychiatrist, and send him a copy. Eventually you get the psychiatric to send a letter stating he is working with the family....sign their HIPPA letter to be able to receive it. And let them know this is being worked on from an outside source.

This does a few things -
1.) tells the district that you and husband ARE to be present at all future meetings regarding your sons education process and are NOT under any circumstances to be unincluded.
2.) keeps you and husband in the loop and prevents the school/district teachers from pulling fast ones - what amazed us was that here we have a child with EMOTIONAL problems ENOUGH to gain him an IEP -----knowing that he has "issues" and "problems" and mental health issues that create immaturity in him WHICH INCLUDE the fact that he is NOT ABLE TO PROCESS INFORMATION ON AN ADULT LEVEL NOR MAKE ADULT DECISIONS FOR HIMSELF AND NEED family guidance for damn near everything else ------so please by all means -------brush him under the rug and rush him through his educaitonal decisions without his parents you sly weasles. GOSH -----wish I had seen that one coming five years ago - but I wasn't that savy so long ago - hope it helps your son. Mind didn't get an educaiton. (insert growl) Educators my foot. Pushers out the door onto the next person who didn't need a problem then complain about him NOT having an educaiton and NOT doing anything with his live - expletive expletive adjective adjective and I bet mine are way wordier than theirs. I HAD a great education. I just didn't ever think educators were snakes in the grass -------but when it came to kids like mine - WOW. (so now you know and yes you are right) they want rid of him.

3.) When you put the lawyer name /firm on the letter? It's letting them know - you've talked to someone - not sure who - but you have checked into HIS rights. Awwwww isn't that special - now tread lightly.

4.) When you put the doctor name on the letter? It's letting them know - YOU are and have applied for help - so you aren't some namby pamby parents floating aimlessly out in space wondering what to do - YOU HAVE and are receiving help and WILL BE BACK WITH AN OUTILINE OF HELP/A PLAN / a BATTLE PLAN ------a GUIDE of sorts a.....GAME PLAN......and a CONTINGENCY PLAN......you are now getting professional quality level of care.

So you have in essence told them - YOU CAN NOT toss him out -----he has PROBLEMS we are identifying these problems and not only is he a Typical Teen (typical teen) -----he is a boy and making really dumb decisions at the moment because he he has mental health issues but......not SO severe as to warrant ALTERNATIVE SCHOOL......but by sending him to ALTERNATIVE SCHOOL......LOOK WHAT HABITS he is picking up on????? OMG where did that come from. HOLY MOLY.

Perhaps some of the list of things you can go over with the (oh yea when you see the shrink MAKE A LIST) do not just go in without a notebook and a list with dates.........write it down ------take a note book and keep a ledger with dates........it helps tremendously.

1.) STEALS CREDIT CARDS........why? Has no money -------Why? Does he get an allowance? NO.......does he do chores? Yes......is he paid......YES......where is his money going? NEEDS A BUDGET. SAVINGS ACCOUNT.

2.) HAS HE PAID ANY OF THE MONEY BACK? WHY? WE never asked........HE NEEDS TO -----GET A JOB - pay a portion back........how much? WILL HE -----no. WHY? Can't get school work done.....WHY? Too hard....WHY - DOesn't get it.....WOULD A SHADOW OR TUTOR HELP?????? MAYBE......IN SCHOOL? (KID SAYS H NO) after school or in a study hall situation........MAYBE......OKAY -----

HELP WITH A JOB.......POSSIBLE BIG BROTHER?????? MAYBE........twice a weeek -------(Ask counselor for help) find someone cool........

THis is a flow chart you want to theorize with the school to let them know --------WE ARE WORKING ON SOLUTIONS --------at present we have things in the works ----TALKING TO SEVERAL PEOPLE -----will come back in a week with some solid answers and hopefully it will keep SON out of alternative school and fast track to graduation......

In the mean time -------you get SON -------to write out things like ------

WHAT he needs to stay in schoollllllllll
WHAT he needs to stay at home......
WHAT he needs to be happy.........(do that one first)

Go from there with his therapist..........BUT with this information? IT is unlikely a school with dump him----------first chance. THEY HAVE to amend his IEP ........They can also offer him 1/2 days at school and 1/2 days at home with a tutor (they pay) if alternative school is not working and it is too stressful. Bet you didn't know that. If something is BOTHERING him and causing him undue stress to the point he can NOT funcition at alternative or HS........he can request this.

I know because we did. Son went 1/2 days to HS and 1/2 days home school with a tutor. It worked better than anything. The district paid for a teacher.

Good luck.

 

[witzend]

I am finally realizing that 2nd chances don't translate into compromises for (my) difficult child. They are the equivalent of lowering the bar.

Those are very wise words.

 

[Torn Heart]

Do you think "another chance" will be the magic button that will make him change? If so, do it. If not, in my opinion you are wasting your time.

I've tried the "ANOTHER CHANCE" thing, and it seems to keep on repeating the same way, or worse. I feel your pain, as though my heart is breaking from my own as we speak.
My 21 year old hasn't had a steady job since 17. Doesn't seem to think he needs to work. All of his friends work, and he sits around, or drives around, waiting for them to come home. I don't know how I even want to start my story, and I know I can't really help anyone else with theirs. All I can do is tell mine and and pray someone could help me to understand that I'm not terrible for feeling guilty. (Which I constantly feel). Though I can't help him anymore. He's already hopped from job to job, quiteing over excuse after excuse, stole money from my husband and I that we were saving in a very heavy glass jar (for a vacation) which now we wont be taking, then stole my credit card out of my wallet when I was sleeping, and charged things for his girlfriend (not much $200), but it was still a lot for someone who can't pay it back (meaning him). Then when we kept giving him ONE MORE CHANCE, he came back into our home, and did something wrong each time. lied about having a job and working, while he'd get up to go and then come home later that day. I just thought he was working. nope...........he was just driving around, or hanging out at his friends house when they were off that certain day.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. It may help you get more responses if you start a new thread. This one is long and older and could be skipped.

Many of us learned that a second chance to an addict means party time and tjey dont mind stealing. Its like the drugs drlete their morality. Many of us went to al anon and therapy to learn to cope and were told to stop the chances. Hard as that seems, most who stop seem to stop when we ni longer brung them back and rescue. Some say "rehab or you are out and on your own" A few of our members are having heartwarming results right now with boys foung very well in rehab after they were told with authority "rehab or you are on your own."

Your son is risking his life and that of others when you alliw hum to drive a car. He is intoxicated. He "just drives around" But he is high and you are risking his life if you are paying for him to be able to do it. If the car is in your name, you will be resonsible for his inevitable horrible accident. Addicts have accidents. Thats one priveledge Id take from him in a hot minute along with any other toy you pay for.

I feel your broken heart but to help him and yourself (and you matter too) then you have to change how you do things. What you are doing isnt working. Nothing will change if YOU dont change your approach to your sons drug use. Trying to make good behavior deals with an addict is wasting your time.

I do think you could gain a lot to reach out to AlAnon and a private therapist for YOU. This is too hard to do alone and is not good for your entire family. Please seek help for YOU. You can not change him, only yourself and your approach. And if you do that often THEY decide that since the fun is over they will go to rehab. That driving around all day high with nothing to do will only lead to heartache.

Light and love!!!

 

[Torn Heart]

Thank you.. And I will start a new one also.
Many blessings to you and your situation. Praying seems to help, though words of others help also. Have a blessed day

 

[Austin5]

Therapy is a lot like using drugs. If you are NOT, as a client, willing to change or interested in changing it is just a waste of money. Also, he may be doing more drugs than just weed (how did he get "legal" weed? For what purpose?). I thought that was for cancer and glaucoma and sure hope they don't use the medicinal part to allow our kids to legally smoke dope.

My daughter was a big drug abuser. We put her out at 18 and she turned around fast. Not saying it would happen to your son, but SHE had to decide to stop her behavior. Everything we did for her before that was a waste of time and money and it turned out she was abusing more than just pot. According to her, many kids will cop to pot, but hide the fact that many are using more drugs than just pot. She has also told me, now that she is clean, that drug users are the biggest liars in the world (as she was when she used) and that you can't believe anything they say and that if you use, you sell. Period. But many parents don't know this.

I have to say I made her leave even though she had never stolen large amounts of money from us...a twenty here and there is about it...nothing to brag about in a child, but not hundreds or thousands of dollars. Now that she is completely clean (even dumped the cigarettes), she is almost finished with college at age 27 (she got scholarships and loans and did not get much help from us), she has a good job with that college which will turn into full time when she graduates, she has a non-drug using boyfriend of eight years and they bought a house together with no help from us. She thinks that if we hadn't made her leave, none of the good stuff would have happened to her because it would have been easy for her to stay the same. I don't know if this is true, or if this is the answer for your son, but I am passing along what my daughter has told me.

When daughter still lived a home, due to her untrustworthy behavior, the rules were stricter for her than for my other older kids who had not gotten into trouble. I didn't care if she didn't like it. Also, I did turn her in when I found her with pot and if she had stolen a credit card I would have done it again. I suggest going to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting. I think you will find it interesting. They will be a real time support system and help you with Tough Love, which works a lot better for anyone than enabling.

Keep us posted.

ForeverSpring - I'd appreciate if you'd share more details about what happened next after you turned your daughter in when you found pot. What were the consequences? Did it make an impact? Thanks!

 

[MissLulu]

ForeverSpring - I'd appreciate if you'd share more details about what happened next after you turned your daughter in when you found pot. What were the consequences? Did it make an impact? Thanks!

Austin5, this is an old thread and I don’t believe that member posts here anymore. If you are new here, welcome! You might like to post your own separate thread to introduce yourself and ask any questions you might have.

 

[Austin5]

Austin5, this is an old thread and I don’t believe that member posts here anymore. If you are new here, welcome! You might like to post your own separate thread to introduce yourself and ask any questions you might have.

Thanks MissLulu. I will post a new thread.

 

[Copabanana]

I feel like he will have to learn to follow the law and other rules the hard way, by not living at our house. But I really don't want him living on the street either.

I copied this quote before I realized it was 10 years old!! Longer than I have been here. I copied it because it really expresses the kernel of truth for most of us. We can't bear living with them or near them--because of how they act and how they live. Yet we feel we can't handle that bad things happen to them, when we kick them out. I have been living this dream for many years. Sometimes, there is no right thing to do, if you define "right" as "that which works." Because you see, "that which works" by our definition is usually what protects them and protects them. And there is seldom a course of action that in the short run does both. In my experience. That because people need to experience consequences in order to learn and in order to have the motivation to change. That goes for both parents and children. I am beginning to see that I need consequences too. I am seeing that my suffering is motivation for me to change. By that I mean spiritual change.

Thanks MissLulu. I will post a new thread.

Dear Austin5 ForeverSpring has not posted here in many years. I second MsLulu's suggestion that you post your own, new thread--and I will look for it.

 

[Helpless29]

My son is 18 teen and we have given him multiple chances, this has been going on for years . He’s been in & out of therapy, behavioral facilities, locked up in juvenile detention. Did not get pass freshmen year. Sadly he did not want to change. I have 2 smaller children at home & will not tolerate drug use . He has been homeless, which if you go through my profile posts see how much we been through , he currently got help from a friend & now is in a apartment. They learn how to survive on there own , not saying it will be easy for them but I guess from what I learned on this site is we cannot allow so much unhappiness & choas in our lives anymore & we need to have peace & be happy too. Hope things get better for you . Keep us updated .