luciddreaming
New Member
I need advice on how to talk with my fiance about her 26 year old son, he started living with us a year ago because the place where he was staying was just sick of his stuff,(fiance's sisters house for 10 years) he was not working and was on SS they tell me he was diagnose with bipolar, ok with that said I will tell you my perception.
when his mother and I where dating, on Fridays (paydays) she would get her check and pick him up and take him food shopping and etc... at this time he was 22-23 and would just sit there all day in his room and play games, smoke weed, and really do nothing else... Now when we met I found him a little rude, IE-- we would talk about games (we did not play the same type of games) so he was kind of rude a little about that, talk about music he claimed he only listen to one band and everything else sucked. we would talk about tattoos--again point blank he said mine sucked.. so ruff start really.
also I want to mention he had lots of cats and his room was awful, it smelled terrible and was just a mess x100 and what bothered me was he was ok with this and his mom went over there every tuesday and cleaned it up...that killed me---Why cant he? his mom did the Just Dont thing..and she told me one day that she was actually bothered that her son lives this way...
ok, he did not have a phone so he borrowed his aunts phone or nephews phone and would call all hours of the night, with in my opinion-- stupid stuff. would call his mom daily with--bring me fast food, buy me this game, or bring me this or that. she would. now there was a lot of things are real bad over there stuff but one day he got real drunk and they knew me and his mom just got a two bedroom apt, so they told his mom he cant live there anymore.
I was a little unhappy about this because I think they used our situation against us, and also did not really like a unemployed 25 year old just sitting here all day.
so with this in mind we moved him in set everything up, after the first week I noticed that he drank a 12 pack of reg coke everyday.... which I tried to suggest something and I was being hateful....sooo ok. and one time he complained that his aunt yelled and him for coming out of the room and kicking a box by mistake....well... I know what she was talking about because he would do things really fast and actually I kept telling him so slow down and he would slam things and do things like a gorilla.
so here where the things begin so to speak, he would just walk right in our room without knocking to the point where I had to lock the door so he would knock,(fyi---mom would always say I'm picking on him) on her days off he would just walk right in and start asking for thing or talking with mom, (we were still in bed) so I finally would get up early and just go out in the living room because I was sick of him just coming in while we were still in bed.
he is very messy and does not clean up after himself...its bad...I wont go in the 2nd bathroom its a hoard mess and he just wont pick up after himself.
he got a cell phone and would just sit there all day, do nothing...
finally he found a dating app and meant a girl, and also his mom signed him up for temp agency for work- after a few jobs he finally found a full time job, and with dating went through 4-8 girls, he constantly since the day he has lived here ask's all the time "mom, want are you making for dinner" its insane even at 10am her day off he starts asking this, will not follow simple rules--IE take out trash, empty dishwasher, pick up after yourself.
his room smells like ass and I hate it when he leaves his room door open, I have completely stopped doing those things so she can see her son just cant follow rules.
Now, here is where this is now, he is constantly asking mom for a ride, he only has one friend and the little whores he brings over for one nighters, I ask that he not come out in his underwear and he just cant follow that, and he is loud but then asks us to turn down our tv when he wants to sleep... his grooming habits are just awful, and yes from mom I get these:
I know its easy to just leave but now my question since I think her son is a sociopath, how do I speak to her about this, she is very defensive of him, and will just say, I hate him, or she will start talking about other things, at this point I have headaches, stomach problems, stress over her son's manipulative behaviors and yesterday there was problems and they both were fighting things I noticed during this, she knows what he does, he does not take responsibility for his actions and claims he does nothing wrong. when now what really kills me is after things are calming down her son made himself dinner, did not ask his mom if she was hungry or anything and he left a mess..... his mom went out there hours later and cleaned it up..OMG...
so my main question is how can I talk with her about this, truth I don't want him living with us, he is a terrible house mate, and even this morning before she drove him to work, he comes charging in to ask if she is ready....they thought i was alseep..but he is very rude with no boderies ---also when he wakes up for work he is consistently barking "MOM,MOM" like for a towel or whatever.
thanks and be nice.. FYI I'm old school so I can by nature be blunt, I have read somewhere not to tell the mom things like "your son is a sociopath, and etc... so any advice?
when his mother and I where dating, on Fridays (paydays) she would get her check and pick him up and take him food shopping and etc... at this time he was 22-23 and would just sit there all day in his room and play games, smoke weed, and really do nothing else... Now when we met I found him a little rude, IE-- we would talk about games (we did not play the same type of games) so he was kind of rude a little about that, talk about music he claimed he only listen to one band and everything else sucked. we would talk about tattoos--again point blank he said mine sucked.. so ruff start really.
also I want to mention he had lots of cats and his room was awful, it smelled terrible and was just a mess x100 and what bothered me was he was ok with this and his mom went over there every tuesday and cleaned it up...that killed me---Why cant he? his mom did the Just Dont thing..and she told me one day that she was actually bothered that her son lives this way...
ok, he did not have a phone so he borrowed his aunts phone or nephews phone and would call all hours of the night, with in my opinion-- stupid stuff. would call his mom daily with--bring me fast food, buy me this game, or bring me this or that. she would. now there was a lot of things are real bad over there stuff but one day he got real drunk and they knew me and his mom just got a two bedroom apt, so they told his mom he cant live there anymore.
I was a little unhappy about this because I think they used our situation against us, and also did not really like a unemployed 25 year old just sitting here all day.
so with this in mind we moved him in set everything up, after the first week I noticed that he drank a 12 pack of reg coke everyday.... which I tried to suggest something and I was being hateful....sooo ok. and one time he complained that his aunt yelled and him for coming out of the room and kicking a box by mistake....well... I know what she was talking about because he would do things really fast and actually I kept telling him so slow down and he would slam things and do things like a gorilla.
so here where the things begin so to speak, he would just walk right in our room without knocking to the point where I had to lock the door so he would knock,(fyi---mom would always say I'm picking on him) on her days off he would just walk right in and start asking for thing or talking with mom, (we were still in bed) so I finally would get up early and just go out in the living room because I was sick of him just coming in while we were still in bed.
he is very messy and does not clean up after himself...its bad...I wont go in the 2nd bathroom its a hoard mess and he just wont pick up after himself.
he got a cell phone and would just sit there all day, do nothing...
finally he found a dating app and meant a girl, and also his mom signed him up for temp agency for work- after a few jobs he finally found a full time job, and with dating went through 4-8 girls, he constantly since the day he has lived here ask's all the time "mom, want are you making for dinner" its insane even at 10am her day off he starts asking this, will not follow simple rules--IE take out trash, empty dishwasher, pick up after yourself.
his room smells like ass and I hate it when he leaves his room door open, I have completely stopped doing those things so she can see her son just cant follow rules.
Now, here is where this is now, he is constantly asking mom for a ride, he only has one friend and the little whores he brings over for one nighters, I ask that he not come out in his underwear and he just cant follow that, and he is loud but then asks us to turn down our tv when he wants to sleep... his grooming habits are just awful, and yes from mom I get these:
- Repeatedly bailing them out - financial problems, other "tight spots" they get themselves into
- Giving them "one more chance" - then another...and another...
- Ignoring the problem - because they get defensive when you bring it up or your hope that it will magically go away
- Joining them in the behavior when you know they have a problem with it - Drinking, smoking, etc.,
- Joining them in blaming others - for their own feelings, problems, and misfortunes
- Accepting their justifications, excuses and rationalizations - "I'm destroying myself because I'm whatever".
- Avoiding problems - keeping the peace, believing a lack of conflict will help
- Doing things for them that they should be able to do for themselves
- Softening or removing natural consequences of their problem behavior
- Trying to "fix" them or their problem
- Repeatedly coming to the "Rescue"
- Trying to control them or their problem
I know its easy to just leave but now my question since I think her son is a sociopath, how do I speak to her about this, she is very defensive of him, and will just say, I hate him, or she will start talking about other things, at this point I have headaches, stomach problems, stress over her son's manipulative behaviors and yesterday there was problems and they both were fighting things I noticed during this, she knows what he does, he does not take responsibility for his actions and claims he does nothing wrong. when now what really kills me is after things are calming down her son made himself dinner, did not ask his mom if she was hungry or anything and he left a mess..... his mom went out there hours later and cleaned it up..OMG...
so my main question is how can I talk with her about this, truth I don't want him living with us, he is a terrible house mate, and even this morning before she drove him to work, he comes charging in to ask if she is ready....they thought i was alseep..but he is very rude with no boderies ---also when he wakes up for work he is consistently barking "MOM,MOM" like for a towel or whatever.
thanks and be nice.. FYI I'm old school so I can by nature be blunt, I have read somewhere not to tell the mom things like "your son is a sociopath, and etc... so any advice?
