Everyone is different, as you see.
In my world, which is not what everyone's world is like, my house/my rules in the house. My kids had to call and let me know if They were going to be out all night. I couldn't sleep until I heard from them. They all complied. Did they always tell me the truth about where they were? Who knows? I just needed to hear that they were okay and I shouldn't wait up. i didn't check up on them after the call. But the call was mandatory to live with me or I couldn't sleep and I matter too. They all made sure they called if they would be out all night.
I did not ask what my kids did outside of the house. They knew that police trouble meant they were on their own. So that was that. My kids never went to jail. I was lucky there. One could have but she never did.
Working at eighteen was mandatory or full time school. No trouble there either. They had to pay for using the car too. Again, they did so.
Only one of my kids smoked pot. But she did other drugs too. If it had only been pot, as long as she worked and never lit up at home, I would have let it go and not asked about it. But I probably would have not given her permission to drive my car. If she bought her own car and paid forbit, then an accident would have been on her record, not mine. So you can do what you want with driving, even if you live with me, if it is on your dime.
My kids left the nest by 21, even my autistic son. They were independent so I did not have these issues at home for too long. I raised them to be independent and self sustaining. But doing so doesnt always work. For us it did. Again lucky. All my kids have been self motivated to grow up. I know this doesn't always happen no matter how hard we try.
My attitude is if they can do it themselves, then I don't need to do it for them. This especially helped autistic son. Just like my other three, by twelve he did his own laundry and could cook his own meals if he didn't like the menu of Mom. Just a few examples. My feeling is that if we treat them as if we think they can't do it, they won't. If we don't step in, they are much more likely to step up. If we act (not just talk) like we think they can, then like The Little Engine That Could, they are more likely to try and to do. My autistic son is my hero. He is the hardest worker and sweetest person I know. He got no coddling because of his autism and he is still thriving and pushing hard. He pays his own bills.
And of course we are all different and there is no dogmatic, one size fits all parenting manual. We just share here, often very different ideas.
