Need some advice

[GoingNorth]

Enmeshedmom, good question. I too struggle with this with my 18 year old son. He lives at home but has a full time job.He too does things when not at home that I don't approve of. Smoking weed is the big one. He never lets me know where he is after work and sometimes is here for dinner and sometimes not. He knows he is supposed to let us know his comings and goings so we don't worry. Just common courtesy in my opinion.

Yep. Common courtesy. I never moved back in with-my mother long-term after I moved out, but did stay with her for a few months when my husband was in military training.

Even though I was an employed adult, I still followed her house rules. Which included being home by 10PM (she went to sleep then), letting her know when I was leaving, when I'd be back, and if I would or wouldn't be home for meals. To this day, when I visit, I follow her house rules.

But he rarely keeps in touch. He is a slob and these things drive me insane. I also think he started smoking cigarettes. I hate it all but we have come a very long way as he was completely out of control in high school and barely graduated. I try to remind myself how much better things are than they were. I lose a lot of sleep worrying about where he is and what he is doing. Yet I feel powerless and often very angry . I get it.

In general, my take on it is that if he's in your house he follows your house rules or he gets out. You cannot stop him from doing whatever outside of the home, but you can refuse to allow him in your house if he's high/drunk. Smoking tobacco is one war you won't win. Refuse to allow it in your house and require that he store his dirty clothing in something sealed so the smell doesn't permeate your house.

As regards the worrying, it's normal, but you can't kill yourself worrying and losing sleep. He is an adult now. Set house rules and insist he conform to them or leave. Expecting an adult to follow "rules" on how he comports himself away from your home is slightly ridiculous. However, if he is driving a vehicle that has your name on it in anyway, (ins. title, loan, etc) stop that immediately. Selling the car is a good idea.

I also disagree with the notion that parents somehow have to buy cars for their children. I bought my first car at 16. I'd been saving since I was 13. It was a 69 VW Squareback that I rebuilt the engine on. My parents paid for 6 mos of auto insurance for me as a b-day gift. After that I was on my own. Of course I was working, and had my GED.

If he doesn't have a car, he can walk or ride a bike to work. I rode a bike until I got my first car. (Started work at 14) Having a car enabled me to get a better job at the bottom rung of what became my career in IT, but the bike was fine to get the 4 miles to K-Mart.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

In general, my take on it is that if he's in your house he follows your house rules or he gets out. You cannot stop him from doing whatever outside of the home, but you can refuse to allow him in your house if he's high/drunk. Smoking tobacco is one war you won't win. Refuse to allow it in your house and require that he store his dirty clothing in something sealed so the smell doesn't permeate your house.

As regards the worrying, it's normal, but you can't kill yourself worrying and losing sleep. He is an adult now. Set house rules and insist he conform to them or leave. Expecting an adult to follow "rules" on how he comports himself away from your home is slightly ridiculous. However, if he is driving a vehicle that has your name on it in anyway, (ins. title, loan, etc) stop that immediately. Selling the car is a good idea.

I also disagree with the notion that parents somehow have to buy cars for their children. I bought my first car at 16. I'd been saving since I was 13. It was a 69 VW Squareback that I rebuilt the engine on. My parents paid for 6 mos of auto insurance for me as a b-day gift. After that I was on my own. Of course I was working, and had my GED.

If he doesn't have a car, he can walk or ride a bike to work. I rode a bike until I got my first car. (Started work at 14) Having a car enabled me to get a better job at the bottom rung of what became my career in IT, but the bike was fine to get the 4 miles to K-Mart.

He bought his own car also as it is all in his name and he pays his insurance. We payed for half his drivers ed when he went at 16 and he payed the other half. Because he was messing around with pot we decided we were not going to let him get his license while we were still legally responsible for him. So he didn’t get until last year when he was 18. He has only ever come home intoxicated on 1 occasion but that was when he was still a minor, that really set me off and he saw me lose my sh#$ like never before and it hasn’t happened since.

 

[BusynMember]

Driving high on pot is driving intoxicated. It changes your perception and makes you feel altered. If not, who would use it?

GN, have no idea why anyone feels a car is a necessity for wild partying kids or even nice kids. Some kids get everything free so that the parents feel good. They want to make sure Johnny has everything with little effort on his part then are puzzled that Johnny thinks he is the family Prince and is ungrateful and disrespectful. "He got EVERYTHING from us." Maybe that is part of the problem with some of the grown kids. Entitlement because parents don't expect them to have to work for anything and they think this is a lifetime mindset.

This vent is a general vent and not in any way directed to any member here. I am thinking of the rich neighborhood of spoiled and drugged up kids I went to high school with. The school parking lot looked like a new car lot while kids like me got off the school bus! Why did the parents buy these cars??? I will never understand it. Not like the kids appreciated the cars....

 

[Enmeshedmom]

Driving high on pot is driving intoxicated. It changes your perception and makes you feel altered. If not, who would use it? A

GN, have no idea why anyone feels a car is a necessity for wild partying kids or even nice kids. Some kids get everything free so that the parents feel good. They want to make sure Johnny has everything with little effort on his part then are puzzled that Johnny thinks he is the family Prince and is ungrateful and disrespectful. "He got EVERYTHING from us." Maybe that is part of the problem with some of the grown kids. Entitlement because parents don't expect them to have to work for anything and they think this is a lifetime mindset.

This vent is a general vent and not in any way directed to any member here. I am thinking of the rich neighborhood of spoiled and drugged up kids I went to high school with. The school parking lot looked like a new car lot while kids like me got off the school bus! Why did the parents buy these cars??? I will never understand it. Not like the kids appreciated the cars....

Agreed

Driving high on pot is driving intoxicated. It changes your perception and makes you feel altered. If not, who would use it?

GN, have no idea why anyone feels a car is a necessity for wild partying kids or even nice kids. Some kids get everything free so that the parents feel good. They want to make sure Johnny has everything with little effort on his part then are puzzled that Johnny thinks he is the family Prince and is ungrateful and disrespectful. "He got EVERYTHING from us." Maybe that is part of the problem with some of the grown kids. Entitlement because parents don't expect them to have to work for anything and they think this is a lifetime mindset.

This vent is a general vent and not in any way directed to any member here. I am thinking of the rich neighborhood of spoiled and drugged up kids I went to high school with. The school parking lot looked like a new car lot while kids like me got off the school bus! Why did the parents buy these cars??? I will never understand it. Not like the kids appreciated the cars....

My sons car isn’t anything special but he can be proud that he bought it all on his own at least. Most of the kids driving to the high school here in the mornings are driving nicer cars than mine and I have seen them smoking pot while driving to school. It has just gotten crazy since recreational use became legal here... even though it is still not legal until the age of 21 the message that is received by all these young kids is that it is no big deal.

 

[GoingNorth]

I went to HS in a wealthy suburb, and saw the same thing: kids driving cars there were no way my parents could afford for themselves.

I paid 300 dollars plus equipment and tools to rebuild an engine for my VW. And my dad took it to a mechanic after I got done with it to make sure it was safe for me to drive.