He doesn't want to be dependent on pills to "feel better"
An SSRI (like Zoloft or Paxil, and the newer ones) does not create dependency. He can google these if he wants to learn how they work. But they are not a "feel good" type of pill.
I can see everybody's point of view. The baseline situation is the one most of us find ourselves in, that we have ADULTS living in our homes, that are also our CHILDREN. We are triggered by their pain and when they act in ways that seem to put at risk both their own recovery, and OURS, too. To me, that's the boundary issue.
We begin to believe that our distress can be managed by our handing THEIR pain and controlling THEIR learning. And even though we know better, because we're triggered, we don't let go of the sense that some change in THEM will make us feel better. Change the names, change the states, change the issue--it's still all the same thing.
Nonetheless, I will opine about this. RN. You name the problem from the get go.
She's a sick puppy. Boundaries, clarity, limits, reiterating do not change the baseline issue. Something is wrong with her that renders her unable or unwilling to either hear him, think through the situation, control her own behavior or change it. End of story.
So. all of this, on son's part, is neither here nor there:
he has been clear with her that he has no interest in marriage
He has never misled her on his intentions. He has tried to get away from her. She won't go away.
Many, many of us are or have been in relationships with people who should change, but can't and won't. And we accept for a long, long time behavior that is unacceptable. We do so for many, many reasons. But bottom line, I think many of us have deep problems in relationships, that we try to overcome, but they're deep and intractable. I know I fit this description. I have called this "lock and key." That we often pick people whose problems mesh with our own. We "fit" together, but based upon limits, rather than strengths. These relationships may not give us what we ultimately need or want but they satisfy needs and keep us safe from the risk and fear of wanting and seeking relationships that could give us more, but scare or threaten us.
Just because someone allows you to take advantage of them doesn’t make it ok.
While I agree with this, I think they're each of them using the other. Son is being used too. Perhaps for kindness, companionship, sex, who knows?
But I can see what you're saying, Apple. There seems on the surface to be a disparity of capacity and potential and vulnerability. And I feel certain that RN would want her son to find a young woman with more confidence, not so held down by her own limits and circumstances. But RN is clear that her son does have vulnerabilities himself. I also agree with Apple that son could if he wanted to, get rid of her, gently, or if such kind measures didn't work, find a more direct way. I don't think this girl is stalking. I think she's making herself available. And son is taking what she's offering. And vice versa. It may not be what we think is the right thing, for anybody involved, but it seems to be what is.
The words "private life" comes to mind. All of us have a private life. And that's one reason that it's hard when our adult children live close in to us. Because their private lives become less so, and we don't like what we see. And at the end of the day, that's on us to deal with. Which is what Wise and Busy seem to be saying.
PS I wouldn't like it either, RN.
