new and flailing

[Holliewho]

I hear you on the summer stuff.

My oldest failed English, Science and PE for the whole year this past year and they told me she doesnt qualify for summer school because she didnt fail them because she didnt understand she failed because she is lazy. Which is true, but still. I am hoping that in the fall with a new bunch of teachers we will be able to overcome her difficulties. Last year she was in a regular homeroom class and after her plan 504 meeting they put her in her own special homeroom with the school psychologist every day. This way she could help to get her in the right frame of mind.

Well I would take her if I was near. Alas Cali and Okla are not so close. I am used to it. I frequently take on others difficult child's. My 10 yo best friend is a lonely only with several issues one of which is severe ADHD. While she frustrates me she knows it and will try to calm herself now because she knows I will not put up with her #$^*. I am not her mom and I have been broken into all the tricks by my oldest so dont even think about it...

I think the smart ones are the most dangerous to us because they are so smart they can take a small thing and change it into an explosion and laugh while they do it just to see the response. We were actually warned by my difficult child #1 therapist that she was so bright it was actually scary and to beware because she did not view us as her parents but as her peers (she was 8 1/2 at the time). She is still the same way and she pushes my buttons more than any other child.

So I totally know where you coming from.

 

[susiestar]

I hate the referrals to the forced Christian therapy places. And the refusal of the school to provide services that she needs is one reason we stayed in Stillwater and didn't move to your area. We have services set up here because husband went to grad school a few years ago here. He likes the commute. Stw has very few services, but I broke the school in and have an agreement not to sue as long as they provide the services I want the kids (all 3) to have as long as they are school age. It took the sped teacher driving my son psychotic and into a 4 month psychiatric hospital, but we were headed there anyway.

Document EVERY conversation with the school and anyone in the school. Send a hand-delivered letter or mail one or email after each talk with anyone in the school. THIS is how you will build the paper trail to get the services you need. Talk to the ladies over on the Sp Ed forum, they REALLY know their stuff. Their advice is how I got this agreement, AND has helped several friends in our district AND in the state we used to live in.

I hate that you are so miserable. Kids like this can really break you, and your marriage. Keep my pm in mind.

Hugs, you are NOT ALONE now. We are with you! (and we won't mess with whatever your religious beliefs are!!0

Susie

 

[Nightaura]

I didn't read all of your posts, but your history and your daughter's behaviors scream Reactive Attachment Disorder. If this is the issue, you both will benefit from a trained attachment therapist. Your statements that you didn't bond with her SCREAMS Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to me. GOOD LUCK and GOOD FOR YOU for recognizing the problem and looking for help.

 

[galadriel]

I can identify with you, there are times I don't want to come home as well. I am faced with a 16 yr old who responds to the simplest question ("Did you get lunch?") by screaming "I dont give an "f", you "f"in idiot, can't you see I'm out of cigarettes!?!?"

I also have an absentee husband, mine is a farmer, he's close by but never here.

Some things that have helped me:

Zoloft.

Weeding out the pets that aren't absolutely adored and essential. Got one that's not worth the work? Have your Dad take it for a while. Pets are great but they are stressors too, unless they are tipping the scale towards helping the situation.

County Mental Health Dept., and other services available. Squeaky wheel gets the grease!

I keep reciting in my mind, it's not him, it's the disease. Sure he's manipulating and intimidating me, but at many levels he cannot help it, so I don't take it personally. I will add that my difficult child also smirks, but now I take that as a sign that he needs an appointment with his psychiatrist and a tweak of his medications!

Other than those that come to mind immediately, I can only add that this is good forum to come to. It is such a relief to know that others are living this as well.

 

[skeemi]

Hello Everyone, I have been reading all of the posts and find myself in good company. Although my situation is not as severe as others that I have read, I can absolutely empathize with how each of you have felt at one point or another.

I have a 4 yr old daughter who was diagnosted with PTSD and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) last October 2007 and have been in therapy since then. It has been, to say the least, an intense emotional rollercoaster ride. Funny though, my daughter has always been well behaved, she just did not show any interest in me, nor did we have any bond since she was born. It wasn't until I sought treatment that the real "excitement" began.

It was not easy for me to get pregnant and after a cycle of invitro she was conceived. My pregnacy was a dream until the seventh month when I was diagnosed with Cholestasis of the Pregnancy which was the heightening of bilirubin levels in the system that make you itch like crazy 24 hours a day. Because of this I was put on medications and then told that I would have to be watched closely because many of these babies are stillborn. NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR. Thankfully, she was born a bit premature, but fine. After she was born, she was not gaining weight consistantly, but losing ounces daily. She was at the dr every other day to get weighed and finally they had decided that she was failing to thrive even though her appetite was more than healthy. They found at 3 weeks that she had a kidney problem and started a series of tests to see how severe it was. One test in particular was one where they would catheterize her to inject solution which was done strapped down and no sedation. Not pleasant. This is where I think my journey began.

I think that I held her 24 hours a day since the day she came home and probably almost invaded her space more that I should have because I was so happy to have had her. But she was a little strange. I had read a lot about how babies stare into your eyes during feedings and how they react to your voice and she did none of that. She would just stare blankly. The older she got the more she pushed me away. At every mommy and me class we went to, she was the only child who would find another lap to sit in, she never wanted to be with me. When she began to walk and we would go to the supermarket, she would go over to another woman and grab her hand and say, bye mommy!!! This was extremely heartbreaking. I loved her so much that I began to dislike her for rejecting me and then felt riddled with guilt because of even thinking it. I was jealous of everyone and everything she gave attention to. She began to act out a little bit but just with me. She was great with everyone else. She would fight with me for everything and every time I touched her she would scream in pain like I was killing her. This was not normal. I couldn't hug her or kiss her, at times even look at her because it would set her off. I never heard the words I love you come from her mouth in those days.

I began searching for an answer to why she was like that. Therapists said that it was just her personality and to accept her the way she is. That was not good enough for me until I found an article online about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and then and found myself a wonderful attachment therapist.

Since then we have made little progress but now she is at least a bit affectionate and I get an I love you everyday. Whether she means it or not remains to be seen but in my mind I want to believe her.

We have had many many horrific moments with her and some really good ones too. But our work has just begun and I would love to hear from someone who has a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child so that I can hear what techniques work or don't work for them.

Thanks for listening.