new and in need of advice please ( sorry -long)

[eekysign]

the grandma has a full plate, but she can be totally unfair to DSS and it is because she has issues with husband and i both.

Aw, nuts!

I have faith that you'll figure it out. There are some guys and gals on here that have been there, done that with everything you're going through. This is a good place. Other than pushing your hubby to step up to the plate a bit more, and gearing down yourself so that you can reconnect with your kiddo, I can't think of any other advice I can offer. I'm sure someone else will come along with better answers!

Honestly, though, your posts made me think. This isn't your situation, but it's got me thinking about what the heck ARE stepparents supposed to do if the spouse/parent doesn't step up to parent their child, but gets angry/resentful if the stepparent tries. Yikes! I bet that happens a decent amount. I wonder how on earth the family would resolve that. You gave me something to chew on!

 

[tunaq]

just for the record! i do appreciate all the advice and am listinging with an open mind and open heart. i can take the most constructive criticism as well, but i do not take kindly to judgment calls and put downs.

 

[slsh]

Tunaq - welcome (belatedly )!

First off, I want to say that we all come to this board with our own histories and biases based on our experiences. None of us has *the* answer, obviously. Please take what you can use, what applies to your situation, and ignore the rest. One of the advantages of such a wide membership is that sometimes we get suggestions that we would have never thought of, suggestions that might work. At the very least, you should expect support as you try to find what works for your family. It can be a long road.

I'm not a step-parent but I do know that with my beloved difficult child, tag-team parenting was/is essential. I cannot do it all 24/7 and neither can my husband. Just in my experience, having a kiddo with challenging behaviors can be incredibly rough on a marriage. We almost lost our marriage - it was only through luck that we realized that we need to remember that we were Sue and husband first (as opposed to Mom and Dad), and would be Sue and husband again when/if we survived raising our kids. The marriage had to become priority #1.

I do agree with- backing off and handing more of the parenting of DSS to your husband. It may mean doing a lot of tongue-biting but unless/until you can both be on the same page most of the time, DSS is actually in control of your home. Let husband sweat the grades and the new life forms in the bathroom. If it's just your husband and DSS interacting, DSS loses some of the power. It sounds like he may be pretty good at pitting you and husband against each other, intentionally or not. By removing yourself from the equation, maybe the conflict will lessen. Does that make sense?

If the menfolk are not keen on therapy, would you consider going for yourself? Just to have a sounding board for the challenges you're facing in your home? Sometimes when we can't get family members on board, it can be very helpful to have a safe place to vent and explore options.

Just a couple of thoughts - use them if you can. Again, welcome to the board!

 

[BusynMember]

I never said ANYONE was insane. It is pretty standard for us to suggest testing of kids who are failing in school. Most posters don't get upset at that--they are glad to know there are good professionals out there who can maybe figure out why the kids are not performing up to their level. Since you feel I am judging and that my advice to get outside counseling isn't good, I'll back off the thread. But I hope you think about it. Good luck.

 

[Marguerite]

Tunaq, it's still early days for you in a lot of ways and I can see you're really trying hard to take a step back. I think handing the cleaning issue to husband as you did was hard for you but very well done. Cleaning communal areas can't be let to slide, unfortunately (although I say this as someone with a messy house). While I will back of a kid's personal space being messy, there must be no food in there and all food spills MUST be cleaned up, pronto.

In the early phases of it all, I see no harm in you quietly cleaning up a food spill (it's a health/safety issue, after all) but making sure husband knows about it. No emotion over it (ie no "I'm unhappy about this", because this shouldn't be about your feelings, it should be about everybody's good health) but simply making sure the job is done.

I can quite beleive he forgot or got distracted. It's a teen thing, as well as a difficult child thing. All you can do is let husband keep working on this issue with him, it won't be fixed overnight. Where possible, leave husband to clean up DSS's mess (if one of you has to do it). Of course, you had to cook and therefore had to clean first. I agree, not fair. But it does take time and lot of counting to 10!

Counsellnig for each and all is also a good idea, I feel. As long as you find a counsellor you feel can really help you. I get the whoopsies with the ones who sit there smiling sweetly, nodding sagely and saying absolutely nothing except, "For our next appointment, is next Friday OK with you?" For me, I need feedback, suggestions, support in kicking round ideas and maybe some help in how to detach... when I see a nodding, smiling (but mute) face, I want to hit it (hmm, think maybe I have some anger issues...?)

I did get what you were saying in your description about DSS having been placed in the G & T group. You were giving us background and I think trying to say, you felt in agreement with the teacher that he was in the wrong placement and that maybe failing there was making him feel worse about himself.
Yaknow, if he has been feeling set up for failure, and life has been topsy turvy for him in so many ways, then chances are he's got some level of depression. Again, counselling might help. Or he might need more. It can't hurt.

He does sound like a gifted kid, just not in academic directions. This can be making problems worse, but it's not fair on him to be strugglnig like this. He has a lifetime to demonstrate his gifts. Rather than pushing him to excel academically, maybe his father encouraging him further in his talents, at home, could be a good start. Hey, it can't hurt.

I hear you on the grandma issue also. She sounds passive-aggressive to me, certainly not helping. As long as he bolts to her place, he is getting told what he wants to hear (and they're only hearing his side of things, and therefore are not equipped to advise him). I wouldn't stop his visits there, though. I would consider following through and either enlisting them (as far as you can; it won't be far) or simply communicating with them to let them see that you are NOT the Wicket Witch of the West.

If his grandma is as inconsistent as you paint (and a lot of grandmas who are only on the edges give mixed messages, in my experience) then it's no wonder DSS doesn't respect women.

I went through a similr disrespect with my darlnig eldest nephew. zWhen he was little he worshipped the ground I walked on, he would ask me questions and because I studied science, I always either knew the answers or knew how to find the answers.
Then he became a teenager and got in with a set offriends who constantly put women down. The little horror had the hide to say to me that I didn't do too badly, "for a girl" but I wasn't permitted to hug him any more because he would get "girl germs".
I told him off, I said I was disappointed in his failure to grasp the sound scientific principle that it takes all kinds to make a world and he couldn't simply dismiss 50% of the global population without some repercussions.

he got the repercussions. When he asked me to make him popcorn I reminded him that as a mere female, I didn't know how. And so on. he backed down fairly quickly, where I was concerned. However, he still disrespected his mother for quite a few years, because his father did and he was trying to be a man like his dad.

What I'm saying - the lack of disprespect can be countered, but not easily, not overnight, and not by you. husband has to do this. I suspect you've been left to do a lot more than you should have, and it's all coming back to bite you now. Not fair.

Carry on. Stick around - it's not usually this heated and you do have friends. MWM does have some good points. So does Eeky. So do we all, I hope.

Marg

 

[Wiped Out]

Welcome Tunaq. You are in a difficult situation. I have no experience with step children so don't know how good my thoughts will be.

It would be incredibly hard to back off but for now probably a good idea. It's good you realize you and your husband need to be on the same page. Hopefully he will get to that point and stick with it. husband and I don't always agree but when we disagree we don't do it front of the kids. Your husband is definitely undermining you there even if he isn't aware of it.

Family counseling would be great like you said but even if the others won't go you might want to for yourself. Raising a challenging child has me seeing a therapist. It's one of the best things I've done for myself.

It is frustrating when teens grades start to go down and they are capable of more. My easy child is going through that right now. She is definitely capable of As and Bs but at progress report time was failing two classes. She has the opportunity for a fully paid tuition scholarship that will probably go out the door soon. It's so hard for me to sit back when I know she is capable of more. I don't always and it never turns out good and what I'm learning is that she seems to rebel more the more I push. I'm trying hard right now to hold back and let her feel the natural consequences of her actions. For her failing means not only maybe losing the scholarship (which I'm not sure she fully appreciates as she is a sophomore) but also she will be forced back to her home school which she definitely doesn't want. Believe me it isn't easy to step back.

My son, who is my difficult child, is very disrespectful to women. It is something we are working hard on but at this point not getting very far with.

So mainly just wanted to add my welcome and share some thoughts.

 

[tunaq]

so far we have had 2 decent nights in a row, which lately has been extremely rare! as it stands right now, i am going to wait until the weekend when husband and i are alone and DSS is with his mom, to attempt another talk about family counseling. i think with things going well and time with just us, i may stand a better chance of him listening to me and thinking that rather than me suggesting it as a last ditch effort at things, he may actually take it as me trying to make things better for us all. i too agree that alot of what DSS does is normal teen behavior, but i also notice that with all he has been through, there really may be some serious underlying issues too, that maybe the other counselor he was seeing with his mom missed the signs of.

 

[Marguerite]

Sounds like you've had some progress. WHatever you've been doing, keep it up!

Good luck for this weekend, I hope your talk with husband bears fruit.

Can you introduce him to us lot here? Would him reading the posts here make it easier for you? I mean, my husband & I are close, we've always communicated well. I found this mob and began getting a lot out of it. The people on this site gave me the courge to make some major changes and to stand by my decisiosn. husband was also in on the decisions but since the bulk of the resultant workload was to fall on me, he said it had to be my choice, primarily.
Hoevwe, he did start 'lurking' here, mostly reading what I had posted. He would come home from work and raisee a topic I'd mentioned, often saying, "I know you've tried to explaine it to me, but when I read your post it made it much cleaer."
Sometimes I had said soemthing he disagreed with and again, we would talk.
Then he ocasionally hijacked my log-on but made it clear it was him, by signing himself, "Marg's Man". But it often meant I couldn't find a thread I wanted to follow, because husband had read updates and I hadn't. So I got him to join in his own right, to make it easier for me. And now he occasionally posts in his own right, but always he reads what I post and we still talk. It also has meant that when a particular member is having problems (as when Dammit Janet got so sick recently, or Timer Lady's health problems and current worries) husband will keep tabs there, too, and if he's busy will ask me how they're going and to make sure to send his love along as well.

It all depends on what works for you and your husband, of course.

Anyway, I hope this weekend goes well for you all.

Marg

 

[tunaq]

yes, things are looking up a bit, at least on our end of things. husband and i did not get to talk about the counseling issue this weekend because he was called into work most of it. things are definitely looking up between us though.
as for school, that is a whole other story. the agreement during the last meeting was there was supposed to be an agenda signed by every teacher and the parents, daily, that the school had and they were going to start up after winter break. there was also supposed to be an e-mail list of homework assignments sent to us daily. none of these things have happened. so now we get to start the fight with the school.


oh i almost forgot to respond!
as much as i would love to drag husband in here to read these posts, it is still impossible at this juncture. He is still at the stage of denial there is any problem. in the past, talking to him about this stuff just created fights. i do however know for a fact that he is insecure and has a friend keep an eye out for anything posted with my user name to "keep tabs" on what all is going on and who i speak to (whole other story) so i am basically just waiting for the friend to search my user name again and find the posts here and hopefully open up his eyes as to what is going on. so hopefully one day but it is highly doubtful fo rnow. thanks for the suggestion though!

 

[Nancy423]

((HUGS))

the agreement during the last meeting was there was supposed to be an agenda signed by every teacher and the parents, daily, that the school had and they were going to start up after winter break. there was also supposed to be an e-mail list of homework assignments sent to us daily.

Keep the school at it's word and bring it up when they fail to follow through!! Was this agreement in the IEP?

 

[tunaq]

i'm not sure the exact details since husband was the one who had the meeting with them but i do know it was his teachers who suggested it. so now it is making them stick to it!

 

[Marguerite]

If you can, I would confirm what was said with husband, write it down, double-check with him - and then go in to talk to the school. Gently, at first. Because the first thing they will try is, "Oh, husband must have misunderstood. We just said we would work towards this, as a goal, it will take more time to set this up."

If they say this, ask thme how long they expect to take, to have it in place; also ask what the procedure is to be in the meantiime. Then go back to husband, with your WRITTEN notes, and get his feedback. it's a pain having to do it this way, but if husband attended the meeting it shows he is at least prepared to listen when someone says there sia problem.

It really does sound like you are in avery difficult positionn but still trynig to do the best you can.

The more you leave with husband Occupational Therapist (OT) make the decisions, the more he has to accept tere is a problem. By you having been doing the lion's share of it all for so long, you've shielded husband from the responsibility as well as the experience. He now needs to be the decision-maker 9at least until he sees the light) so unfortunately, you have to keep doing it this way.

But it does sound like you're making good progress towards getting husband on board, getting difficult child the help and extricating yourself from Wicked Stepmother role.

Keep it up!

Marg

 

[tunaq]

i'm so proud of myself! i managed to put something off on husband that he would normally put off on me! and i kept my cool the entire time!

so yesterday was report card day. as expect DSS is failing and had a .9333 gpa.

the family sat down to talk and DSS started pulling up his grades for the new quarter, he is already not doing his work! 2 days into the new quater and he already was racking up zero's! husband and i both told him we knew he could make the grades but letting zero's add up like he was, he will end up repeating 8th grade. he tried to use the excuse of " well it's just one in this class." and i tried to explain that it's not just 1 zero for the year though and that is why his grades are the way they are, is because he lets all these zeros build up and they add up. i did not lecture, i did not yell i simply told him how zero's affects grades, and i left it at that. then i listened to him and husband talk.

The meeting husband had with the school, he (husband) and the teachers all signed a contract on what their plan was to get DSS on track and get the proper education he deserves. this contract included the fact they were going to get DSS an agenda for us and the teachers to sign daily. it included taking him out of gifted class and art for 2 different tutoring prgrams, and NONE of these things have happened as of yet. normally this is the point that husband would turn to me and ask me to e-mail the school asking why things had not happened yet, but i beat him to it! i heard all of the conversation and turned to husband and said " it looks like you are going to have to call the school dear, and make these things happen!" then, i got up and walked away before he could even attempt to put it off on me! it felt so good!

 

[susiestar]

Tuna, I am very sorry you are in this tough position. I know when my bro married a woman with 2 teen sons it was a disaster. Within just a few months both boys went to live with their father, as my bro was very abusive (verbally, not physically, but abuse is abuse. BOTH boys used to talk to me on the phone and in person to try to get help with him.)

what my bro didn't understand is that you can't come into a house and just suddenly make the family members do things your way. It really sounds like YOU "get" this point.

I think turning things over to your husband regarding your DSS is a very wise move. I also think you should read some books about blended families and step-parenting. From what (very) little I know, most books recommend having the step parent NOT do discipline, but rather let the other parent know about the problem and handle it.

I think the way you handled the report card issue was excellent.

You also may benefit from reading The Explosive Child. Many of us find it helpful. I also find the Love and Logic books incredibly helpful (mainly because they made sense to my husband, so we could be on the same page). The L&L website is www.loveandlogic.com . They have LOTS of books, so look through to see which one would work best for you. I have heard Dr. Fay in person and he is an amazing man. I even found inspiration and help in the stuff for teachers on the website. I found my husband responded excellently to some of their audiobooks - he listened to them in the car on the way to and from work, so he came in with a great attitude, LOL.

It is hard to blend a family, and I admire you for taking on this role and for trying to help your DSS.

You may even want to print out some of these posts and leave them sitting around for your husband to "find". some of us have gotten through to our spouses this way.

Sending gentle hugs and a LOT of support and NO judgement of any kind.

Susie