Well put. Copa. When kids have complex mental health and developmental issues, their conduct can definitely be a problem - but less of it is by choice.
New forum?
- Thread starter InsaneCdn
- Start date
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
You know this new proposed forum is more easily defined by what we (and our children) are not.
We are not able to turn away, because of the belief, fear or reality, that they cannot do it by themselves.
There is more of the feeling or belief that we must develop ourselves (that a rejecting and angry response is self-limiting, and potentially irresponsible and cruel.
The thing that makes it fuzzy, the idea of the new forum, is that so many of the PE children do seem to have this constellation of issues. What about Insane's descriptor (which I so resisted) "Differently Wired Adult Children?" Putting adult in there makes sense for me...because the whole focus for us is launching--what it does to us, our lives, and our relationships, sensing and knowing that our kids will possibly or likely never achieve the kinds of lives or personalities we believed or hoped for...or...even if we did not have crashed expectations, they require things of us that impact greatly the lives we hoped to have.
So for me what we are dealing with here is our own emotions as much as practically responding to them. Our grief. Our fear. Our choices to help. Why and how and when. And the challenge to family dynamics when you cannot turn away, to save either yourself, your spouse or your other children. The launching part cannot be resolved completely by distance. Or understanding differently. This is a different set of challenges when competency is at question.
While there is overlap between PE it is different because our children are different. And part of our issue is facing that.
Suzir wrote a lovely post about her own coming to grips with the loss she feels about what her son's life could have been. What about that?
Coming to grips: Adult Children with combined developmental and psychological challenges.
COPA
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Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I posted this yesterday on another thread. For me, it summarizes what my own challenges are. I know I have a harder time than other parents about my own sense of culpability and self-accusation. But each of us has our own issues. Resentment. Bitterness. Guilt. Fear about the future. Acceptance.
I would have loved this focus here, five years ago when I came. My kids were not adult then - I'm just getting to that stage. But they were teenagers. Which is a whole lot different from 5 and 8 and 11 year olds.
Differently Wired Near-Adults?
Hmmm...
Part of this discussion is also to choose a name that others will understand what it means when then find us.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Challenge: Parenting adult children with combined disabilities.
Maybe...
Super-Challenging Cases: Parenting teen and adult children with multiple ...
hmm... disabilities - but not all of the challenges are disabilities; diagnoses doesn't work, because lots of them it is hard to get a diagnosis for...
I think we're getting close.
Best practice for search engine optimization is to use words that people would search for. Developmental and mental are the two words that probably need to be in there somewhere.
How about something like:
Developmental & Mental: Parenting adult and teen children coping with multiple conditions
I'm not sure that covers it though. Maybe struggling instead of coping.
How about something like:
Developmental & Mental: Parenting adult and teen children coping with multiple conditions
I'm not sure that covers it though. Maybe struggling instead of coping.
And we want to be on the search engine radar!
A minor twist on that suggestion:
Developmental & Mental: Parenting teen and adult children with multiple challenges
Yes and know. I know what you mean... but the question means we haven't written a clear enough definition. Thanks for asking.
Multiple challenges. That is too broad. We're not talking physical challenges, for example. Nor addiction. Nor, as a main driver, the more common mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. The main title, I thought, provided a restricted definition, but it might be clearer this way:
Developmental & Mental: Parenting teen and adult children with multiple or complex developmental challenges and mental illnesses
Schizophrenia is by definition a complex mental illness.
Anxiety is not - but if it is one of a list of challenges, it can come into the picture.
If addiction is in the picture, it is known to be secondary to other problems.
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is complex. So are bi-polar, eating disorders, asperger's and autism spectrum.
If you are only dealing with ONE of these, there are other good forums out there on the web. These are also disorders that tend to attract an alphabet soup of co-morbid disorders, and managing that complexity is uniquely difficult. When you start dealing with multiple challenges, or cases where things have been caught much too late and there are no good answers left... there are no good forums anywhere.
How about: Developmental & Mental: Discussions about parenting adult and teen children that have developmental and mental concerns
I don't know if that describes it well enough though. Concerns doesn't seem like the right word.
I don't know if that describes it well enough though. Concerns doesn't seem like the right word.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Non substance abuse mental illness and developmental disirders? Otherwise I am thinking substance abuse as the main issue may find its way over there...just my useless two cents.
To some degree the forums need to be self-policing. So if someone posts about an adult child on general, usually there is a reply suggesting that they post on PE. We would have to do the same thing here.
Addiction and substance abuse can be part of the picture in these kids with complex developmental challenges and mental illnesses. It just won't be the main driver. So it may not always be crystal clear to a new member, where they might belong.
Addiction and substance abuse can be part of the picture in these kids with complex developmental challenges and mental illnesses. It just won't be the main driver. So it may not always be crystal clear to a new member, where they might belong.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I vote for conditions or challenges, rather than concerns. I balk at two adjectives only *developmental and mental without the noun they describe.
I agree with Kathy. I think almost all of our kids on this forum have a diagnosis of some mental illness, or have had. To me, putting the mental illness part is not definitive. It is the developmental issues that render our kids different from many of the kids, and/or the trauma which they have experienced. Trauma is thought to affect the brain of children so pervasively that some are proposing a new diagnostic category.
I think we are saying: Parenting adult children with complex developmental challenges.
Developmental Challenges: Parenting teen and adult children with complex developmental issues.
By using the descriptor complex, we are suggesting that there may be issues of conduct, mental illness, substance use, and developmental difference or trauma. By using the descriptor complex we also indicate we may be over our head, sinking rapidly *joke.
Our kids are challenged and so are we. To develop as we must to support them and to sustain and grow ourselves.
COPA
I agree with Kathy. I think almost all of our kids on this forum have a diagnosis of some mental illness, or have had. To me, putting the mental illness part is not definitive. It is the developmental issues that render our kids different from many of the kids, and/or the trauma which they have experienced. Trauma is thought to affect the brain of children so pervasively that some are proposing a new diagnostic category.
I think we are saying: Parenting adult children with complex developmental challenges.
Developmental Challenges: Parenting teen and adult children with complex developmental issues.
By using the descriptor complex, we are suggesting that there may be issues of conduct, mental illness, substance use, and developmental difference or trauma. By using the descriptor complex we also indicate we may be over our head, sinking rapidly *joke.
Our kids are challenged and so are we. To develop as we must to support them and to sustain and grow ourselves.
COPA
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Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Yes. You are right, Insane. Schizophrenia is pervasive and complex but not developmental. I agree.
Do you feel that this is more to the point?
Parenting teen and adult children with complex developmental and mental challenges.
I will keep thinking about it. I cannot come up with 2 or 3 words that seem right to me. Maybe there will be consensus before I wake up. Hopefully. Goodnight.
COPA
Do you feel that this is more to the point?
Parenting teen and adult children with complex developmental and mental challenges.
I will keep thinking about it. I cannot come up with 2 or 3 words that seem right to me. Maybe there will be consensus before I wake up. Hopefully. Goodnight.
COPA
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
What we are getting at is some limitation in capacity of the child to exercise a free range of choices and the inability of the parent to walk away because of the restricted capacity of the child, or the fear of such. We are striving for a way for the parent to take care of themselves, to be hopeful and to not restrict the child in living independently, developing capacities, and following their life path.
I am dealing with this exact thing right now. And I am failing. I am distraught. I feel at the end of my rope. I keep pushing my son to change, and he while he is no longer as defiant, looks at me like a deer in the headlights. Like I am speaking to him in some language he has never heard of.
He is evaluated by his caregiver as having poor judgment and little insight. I have to accept that.
He wants others to take responsibility for him.
But he lies to us like a person with a personality disorder. We get angry. Me, because I feel so desperately afraid. M because he feels my son treats him as if he is a fool. My son is very bright. M cannot understand how somebody so smart can make such poor choices. He does not get it. I get it better, but cannot seem to accept it.
He yells at me in front of people. He tells untrue stories about us. I want to help him but I do not know how to without being so damaged myself. I am at my wits end.
Desperate Parents: Teen and adult children with complex developmental and mental issues.
COPA
I am dealing with this exact thing right now. And I am failing. I am distraught. I feel at the end of my rope. I keep pushing my son to change, and he while he is no longer as defiant, looks at me like a deer in the headlights. Like I am speaking to him in some language he has never heard of.
He is evaluated by his caregiver as having poor judgment and little insight. I have to accept that.
He wants others to take responsibility for him.
But he lies to us like a person with a personality disorder. We get angry. Me, because I feel so desperately afraid. M because he feels my son treats him as if he is a fool. My son is very bright. M cannot understand how somebody so smart can make such poor choices. He does not get it. I get it better, but cannot seem to accept it.
He yells at me in front of people. He tells untrue stories about us. I want to help him but I do not know how to without being so damaged myself. I am at my wits end.
Desperate Parents: Teen and adult children with complex developmental and mental issues.
COPA
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