New here problems with odd stepson

[TerryJ2]

Welcome, Yem.
This sounds really familiar, in my life: As long as I am always agreeable, our relationship goes well.

My husband is the quintessential ostrich with-his head in the sand, for sure. NOW he knows that there is a problem but it took him 10 yrs! And we don't have half the issues that you and your boyfriend have. Part of it is the male ego and part is total denial on your boyfriend's part.
I cannot imagine how he could live in the environment that he lived in and didn't think to protect his kids. Sigh.

The trash is not just the idea of moving the trash can. It is the idea that your boyfriend's son HAD to move it back that many times. That indicates Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), or some deep need to keep things just as they are, because change = "danger." It's a coping mechanism.
Of course, your boyfriend will think you're nuts if you tell him that, so just keep it under your hat and keep moving in the right direction.

I agree with-the others, that you are absolutely right to go to therapy for yourself, to gain strength and clarity, and that your boyfriend is full of b . s .
I also think that there is something going on with-this particular child. I am thinking that it is partly genetic and partly environmental. For example, a lot of alcoholics have an underlying mental health issue, and they drink to cope. It's called self-medication. To them, it's less shameful (and more fun) than going to a regular dr and getting a scrip, and going to a therapist and doing the hard work.
That means that this child could have the same issues his bmom has ... maybe anxiety issues, and/or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and/or mild autism, and/or ... you get the idea.

I do not see any way that your boyfriend is going to get on board. You are the stranger, the outlier. HE is the biological father, HE lived with-all that craziness with-his exwife, and HE turned out normal (cough, cough) so therefore, YOU are the outsider.
Never mind if you are the one who sees things for what they are, who really cares about his son. Your boyfriend can't see that.

I agree with-the others, that this child may not be doing all of these behaviors just to tick you off. Maybe in a calm moment, you could sit down with-him and ask him, "What would happen if the trash can went back into the bathroom and you saw it in the shower? Or on top of the commode? Or even where I like to put it. How would it make you feel?" He's going to say that the conversation is stupid, but that's to be expected. I am hoping he says something like, "It's not right. It started out in xyz place when we first moved in, and that's where it's supposed to stay." That will give you an indication of his mindset.

Best of luck.

 

[Yem1971]

Thank you very much * It helps so much to know that there are other people out there that have gone through what I am* I tell him and tell him there is something wrong and he is just in total denial....My boyfriend told me last night that he doesn't want to talk about " feelings" anymore. That I should "accept" him the way he is, that he doesn't want to have long conversations about our relationship or his children. That everything is going well in our relationship and with his children. He also told me that he has never wanted to talk about feelings in relationships and it has caused every woman to leave him, except his ex and she just ed, flipped out and drank the entire relationship. The child admitted to me about a year into the relationship that he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). The thing about the trash can is it has been in the left hand corner of the bathroom forever. I put it there...lol..two years ago. Now he starts moving it all the time to the right corner. That is why I thought he was doing it on purpose to upset me. I have read that children with ODD will do things on purpose to try to get a reaction. I strongly suspect he has this, because he has a very hard time following any rules. I don't know the mom, I have never met her, so I can't speak for sure on her mental health, but I do know she has trash talked me to her children even telling them I am ugly (lol) so I suspect she may not be very sane.

 

[HaoZi]

I'd ask him why he prefers he on that side. He might have a reason. It might be more valid to him than to you, but it's just a trash can, and if it makes him more comfortable to have it on the right than on the left, I'd personally just let it go and find out the why of it.

 

[AppleCori]

Yem,

It's not that he doesn't want to talk about his feelings, its that he doesn't want to change his behavior--they way that he deals with his son (denial of any and all problems) and the way that he relates to you (denial of any and all problems, and if you disagree, you are the problem). Unless he realizes this and wants to work to change his behavior he won't ever change, and no woman will be willing to subject herself to that sort of treatment.

As for why you haven't been able to see it clearly--remember the old adage about the frog?

If you want to boil a frog, don't put it in boiling water or he will just jump out. Put it in lukewarm water, it gets comfortable, and then ever so slowly turn up the heat until it just boils to death, never the wiser.

Now, this probably doesn't really work with frogs, but it works with people pretty well.

Then one day, hopefully, we wake up and realize that the water is really hot. In fact it's about to boil us to death. And then we start to do something about it. Thats what you are doing.

Be Strong.

Keep us posted.

 

[BusynMember]

First of all, most of us oldtimers here don't believe that ODD is a bonafide diagnosis. Psychiatrists don't usually diagnose it...therapists do, but they aren't the doctors. Most of the time ODD behavior is due to a bigger disorder. And I do think this child has ODD/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendencies probably due to some bigger disorder, but, in the end, your boyfriend is a jerk. Your relationship is fine? Really? According to him it's fine so that makes it fine...lol. He doesn't even CARE what YOU think about the relationship. And, sorry, this man let his kids down by staying in a psycho relationship for twelve years and he probably wouldn't know a normal person adult (you) or normal child if it stared him in the face because his life has been chaos, chaos, chaos. Bet he had a crazy childhood himself, but none of that matters.

YOU matter. This boyfriend's childish denial is HIS problem, not yours. His child is HIS problem, not yours. And he refuses to fix himself or his child. There is nothing you can do. If I were in your shoes, I'd hopefully think I deserved better. Heck, find somebody without his baggage and have kids who you can raise from infancy and at least have a chance at being normal kids. Why take on this load when boyfriend won't even admit there's a problem?

He sounds very immature and you are probably his glue holding him together, but you can't hold him together forever. At some time he has to face himself and his son. HE has to do it. YOU can't.

Hugs. Keep us posted.

 

[Yem1971]

I just want to say thank you again for all your support and advice. I am detaching from the situation somewhat for now(my therapists advice) If something doesn't get done around here, and I don't want to do it, I just don't. He can take care of what he needs to take care of or not. He is the one that will have to live with how his children turn out, you are right they are his responsibility, since I didn't have any kids this doesn't fall on my shoulders. I have done all I can do. If I were to get with another man (lol I'm 40) hopefully his kids would be raised, and I could just relax, but I'm looking to learn to take care of me first and after this I wouldn't be too quick to make any commitments of living with a man until I knew the whole story. You live and you learn. I will keep you posted on my progress in therapy. Thank you again so much