New to Setting Boundaries-What Do You Think?

[BusynMember]

If he has a personality disorder it will be years of intensive therapy before he will change

I am talking about maybe inheriting his personality (not a personality disorderer) from a relative, however distant. And you cant test for a disposition that is not pleasing. You are talking about genetic disorders like Downs Syndrome...those you can test for. There is no test for "not nice." I doubt his thyroid is causing this. Thyroid problems are common...I have hypothyroid. Your sons behavior is extreme. It is likely just who he is right now.

All of us are here because of problem adult children. Most take drugs, which doesnt help. In general, they tend not to change until they have to. Some never change no matter what

But we can change our approach. We dont have to let them drag us down with them. Many of us learned how to do this, especially in therapy or Al Anon. I suggest reading Cidependent No More by Melody Beattie. Great book. So helpful.

I wish you lots and lots of luck!

 

[Littleboylost]

Yes, I agree, it does all sound like a lot. Maybe medication and treatment first, along with respect as in no screaming and yelling at me.

The car is mine. I will definitely look into the legalities.

I would not let him drive your vehicle. After a DUI doesn't they have a huge impact on your insurance if he is driving?

 

[Littleboylost]

[QUOTE="mamato3, post: 714371, member:

I would not let him drive your vehicle. After a DUI doesn't they have a huge impact on your insurance if he is driving? I also agree on many good points made here. I applaud your setting expectations and limits to what to what you will tolerate. The Young adult brain is not fully wired for adult comprehension until mid 20's and delayed with substance abuse. Keep it basic and simple and yes make the focus on the deal breakers. We framed our expectations and family rules in a Start Stop and Continue fashion then we placed 3 high priority expectations/rules in each column. We indicated to Difficult Child that this was a core list of expectations and not a comprehensive list of all we expected of him; just the important stuff and the deal breakers. The deal breakers were in the stop column. Things like keep up the great job and continue your rehab would be of course in the continue column. The Starts would be start taking your medication on a regular basis. Deal breakers would be highlighted in yellow. And we placed a consequence column beside the 3 columns and indicated what's would happen if these things were not meet or adhered to. Example don't go over the data on the family share plan. If you do your data is gone. This is a good example because he didn't think I would turn the data off for all of us (can't block on one phone only). He went over the data and I canceled the data package. He was furious explaining how much he needed that data and couldn't get the bus without it...... I was quiet and calm and pointed to his list. He stormed off but I have not heard another thing about it. The stop was stop bringing drugs into the home. This was a deal breaker and if he did this we would ask him to leave. Ya you guessed it he not only brought drugs home he took my car and drove high. Now I sleep with my money and my car keys in my pillow case under my head. We have told him he is going to leave and we are in the process of getting social assistance to find him alternate housing. He is begging for us not to do it and is acting on his absolute best behaviour....it won't last. But I hold my breath I cry silent tears. I worry about where they will place him how angry he will be, I worry about him sleeping all day and being up all night. I worry about him missing court and not getting to his appointments....then I think he didn't worry one bit about me, taking my car, or. bringing drugs into my Hosue. Ya it took him off of 3 weeks to start leaving Plasric bottle turned into bongs lying around my town Hosue complex....same brand that we have in the Hosue, straight to bringing drugs into the Hosue. We have him the list on a Sunday after a long talk to reframe our expectations. he hit the deal breaker on Tuesday night. His actions his consequences. And I agree 100% As many have said on this forum and it is so true, nothing changes if nothing changes. If he won't change (they seldom do when we want them to) then you have to change. This is tough on not enabling and soft on love it's a fine line. PS a great health care professional said to me once when people say they are going to kill themselves they rarely do. It is when they don't tell you that you need to worry.