Hi,
I stumbled on this list while trying to find support/answers for my ongoing and increasingly difficult situation. My 45-year-old son lives with me. He has for most of his life, except when he went away to school for a couple of years. I do not know where to begin. I was only 17 years old and unmarried when he was born. I lived with my parents. My Mom was never emotionally well and spent some time in a psychiatric hospital.
When my son was young, he was respectful and well-behaved. He was very shy (as I am). I felt I needed to do something with my life to improve the future for my son and me (we were living away from my parents). I decided to go back to college, which meant quitting my job and moving in with my parents. I worked hard at school and went to law school after graduating undergrad. I worked very hard in law school. I am sure my son did not get enough attention from me while I was in school and I know my mother told him this.
Fast forward a few years after graduating. My son and I moved away from my parents and into our own place. My son was about 12 years old at the time. I worked and he was a latch key child. A few years later I met someone that I married. It turned out that my husband had Huntington's Disease and grew increasingly emotionally abusive with me. I know my son was beside himself listening to my husband screaming, blasting the television and radio at the same time. At one point, I was on the way home from work when my son called and told me my husband was in the basement (where my son lived) and my son was scared because my husband was screaming at him. That was it for me and my husband's mother took him for a few years. When he got out of control my mother-in-law had my husband arrested. I went to him in the psychiatric hospital and it was obvious his mother had neglected him. He had not been shaved in years and had a long beard, long hair and his feet were bleeding. His toenails and fingernails were way overgrown. I just cried and promised to get him out. I found an assisted living by me, where my husband lived for a few years. There were many occasions where my son would go there and help him with computer problems.
The assisted living facility threw him out after multiple incidents of aggression. I finally found what I thought was a decent nursing home willing to accept him. However, they were drugging him and within a week, he could not speak, was incontinent, etc. I took him home. He lived at home for about 2 years until his death. It was very difficult and my son was helpful, but it had to have had a terrible effect on him. Two months before my husband died, my father, who lived 10 minutes from me, passed away. My son was close to my Dad and especially my Mom, so I am sure the effect was awful.
After a few years, my brother, who is an alcoholic, was homeless and I asked my son if he could stay with us. Yes, I know it was very dumb. He was terrible to my son with constant accusations. I write this so you can get an idea of my personality, which I am sure negatively affected my son. My brother lived with us for several years and the drinking got worse. I asked him to leave several times, but he did not. At one point about three years ago, I was suffering from a severe migraine for weeks and went to the hospital for a test. I came home and laid down and heard my brother arguing with my son. I came out of my bedroom an hour later to find my house had several police officers there and my brother had my son arrested for assaulting him. My son spent 8 months in county prison and is still on probation.
My son had been having periods since my husband first became ill (my son was about 20 years old at the time) of being disrespectful and drinking way too much. He also abused drugs. I did not address the situation. I know I should have. I do not know why I did not. Selfishness? I addressed it years later and my son went to three rehabs. He is back to drinking. He does not work anymore and constantly complains about physical ailments. He has grown increasingly abusive to me. The abuse is mostly emotional. He blames me for everything and remembers mistakes I made when he was 5 years old. About a year ago he put his hand around my neck and threw me so hard I fell and hurt my head so I had two huge "eggs" on my head. Several times in the past 6 months he has told me he hates me, said I should kill myself, threatened to kill me, and asked for my life insurance policy. The real nastiness comes out when he has been drinking. There are other times when he says I need to slow down and he worries about me.
I do not know what to do. I am 62 years old and tired, depressed, and do not want to live like this. But my son seems to be getting worse. He talks and it is difficult to make sense of what he is saying. He has been to many therapists and psychiatrists. He tells them things about me and so many things are just plain lies. I honestly feel like my life is over and have no clue what to do. I made so, so many mistakes, from enabling him to not giving him the attention he needed and not making him my first priority at all times. I truly do not believe he could live on his own.
I am sorry this is such a long post. Any thoughts would be welcome. I take responsibility for past mistakes, but do I pay for them until I die? Thanks to anyone that managed to read through this way too long post.
I stumbled on this list while trying to find support/answers for my ongoing and increasingly difficult situation. My 45-year-old son lives with me. He has for most of his life, except when he went away to school for a couple of years. I do not know where to begin. I was only 17 years old and unmarried when he was born. I lived with my parents. My Mom was never emotionally well and spent some time in a psychiatric hospital.
When my son was young, he was respectful and well-behaved. He was very shy (as I am). I felt I needed to do something with my life to improve the future for my son and me (we were living away from my parents). I decided to go back to college, which meant quitting my job and moving in with my parents. I worked hard at school and went to law school after graduating undergrad. I worked very hard in law school. I am sure my son did not get enough attention from me while I was in school and I know my mother told him this.
Fast forward a few years after graduating. My son and I moved away from my parents and into our own place. My son was about 12 years old at the time. I worked and he was a latch key child. A few years later I met someone that I married. It turned out that my husband had Huntington's Disease and grew increasingly emotionally abusive with me. I know my son was beside himself listening to my husband screaming, blasting the television and radio at the same time. At one point, I was on the way home from work when my son called and told me my husband was in the basement (where my son lived) and my son was scared because my husband was screaming at him. That was it for me and my husband's mother took him for a few years. When he got out of control my mother-in-law had my husband arrested. I went to him in the psychiatric hospital and it was obvious his mother had neglected him. He had not been shaved in years and had a long beard, long hair and his feet were bleeding. His toenails and fingernails were way overgrown. I just cried and promised to get him out. I found an assisted living by me, where my husband lived for a few years. There were many occasions where my son would go there and help him with computer problems.
The assisted living facility threw him out after multiple incidents of aggression. I finally found what I thought was a decent nursing home willing to accept him. However, they were drugging him and within a week, he could not speak, was incontinent, etc. I took him home. He lived at home for about 2 years until his death. It was very difficult and my son was helpful, but it had to have had a terrible effect on him. Two months before my husband died, my father, who lived 10 minutes from me, passed away. My son was close to my Dad and especially my Mom, so I am sure the effect was awful.
After a few years, my brother, who is an alcoholic, was homeless and I asked my son if he could stay with us. Yes, I know it was very dumb. He was terrible to my son with constant accusations. I write this so you can get an idea of my personality, which I am sure negatively affected my son. My brother lived with us for several years and the drinking got worse. I asked him to leave several times, but he did not. At one point about three years ago, I was suffering from a severe migraine for weeks and went to the hospital for a test. I came home and laid down and heard my brother arguing with my son. I came out of my bedroom an hour later to find my house had several police officers there and my brother had my son arrested for assaulting him. My son spent 8 months in county prison and is still on probation.
My son had been having periods since my husband first became ill (my son was about 20 years old at the time) of being disrespectful and drinking way too much. He also abused drugs. I did not address the situation. I know I should have. I do not know why I did not. Selfishness? I addressed it years later and my son went to three rehabs. He is back to drinking. He does not work anymore and constantly complains about physical ailments. He has grown increasingly abusive to me. The abuse is mostly emotional. He blames me for everything and remembers mistakes I made when he was 5 years old. About a year ago he put his hand around my neck and threw me so hard I fell and hurt my head so I had two huge "eggs" on my head. Several times in the past 6 months he has told me he hates me, said I should kill myself, threatened to kill me, and asked for my life insurance policy. The real nastiness comes out when he has been drinking. There are other times when he says I need to slow down and he worries about me.
I do not know what to do. I am 62 years old and tired, depressed, and do not want to live like this. But my son seems to be getting worse. He talks and it is difficult to make sense of what he is saying. He has been to many therapists and psychiatrists. He tells them things about me and so many things are just plain lies. I honestly feel like my life is over and have no clue what to do. I made so, so many mistakes, from enabling him to not giving him the attention he needed and not making him my first priority at all times. I truly do not believe he could live on his own.
I am sorry this is such a long post. Any thoughts would be welcome. I take responsibility for past mistakes, but do I pay for them until I die? Thanks to anyone that managed to read through this way too long post.