You are so right. That girlfriend is STILL out in the truck and it's warm and getting warmer here. Your words strung me but OMG so true. I am a doormat!!!! But I am turning a corner. The only reason I'm turning that corner is because I feel so jaded. I want to personally Thank you. Not ready to call the cops just yet. But I agree with you.
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- Thread starter Sadgranny
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Read the article excellent.
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
I'm glad you didn't. It wasn't my intention to shock or scare you but I can also be excessively blunt sometimes. Just remember that we are trying to help but like mof said, none of us are experts. Sometimes you need to take what we say with a grain of salt.
Have a question: has anyone had success getting one of these kids into say a training program or GED program???? Has any of these kids turned their life around? Does it just go all downhill from here? There is a great program my dgs maybe able to attend I want to present him
with the information but I'm having mixed feelings. Truthfully I feel it's a waste of my time. But the window for this opportunity will be open another 2 years for him.
with the information but I'm having mixed feelings. Truthfully I feel it's a waste of my time. But the window for this opportunity will be open another 2 years for him.
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
Its not really all that cut and dried. We tried to get ours into Job Corps but he flaked out. One thing I've figured out over 24 years working in Corrections is that nobody will change their ways until they are damned good and ready and you never know when a resentful participant may become a sponge instead of a brick.
Sorry, should have specified that he was actually enthusiastic about it till it was almost time to leave and THEN he flaked out.
Sorry, should have specified that he was actually enthusiastic about it till it was almost time to leave and THEN he flaked out.
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RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
When our children are young, it's pretty easy to guide them. But when they are young adults or teens it's hard to accept when they do not do the right thing and what we expect of them or go completely opposite of the way we have raised them and the examples we have set.
I am still having a hard time accepting this about my son. And I agree, nothing happens til they are ready. I have spent SO MUCH time and energy spinning my wheels for so long.
I think you can offer your wisdom to your Difficult Child. The rest is up to him.
I am still having a hard time accepting this about my son. And I agree, nothing happens til they are ready. I have spent SO MUCH time and energy spinning my wheels for so long.
I think you can offer your wisdom to your Difficult Child. The rest is up to him.
mof
Momdidntsignupforthis
Sure there is success stories...but for the most part, they make them. We can open the doors...throw them in the direction...but they have to get through it themselves.
I believe in giving help when they want it, or pushing for medical reasons. But no one can admit being an addict for them, go to a mtg for them or want better for them...you will only be disappointed.
Our son is a recovering heroine addict. He is home after 7 mos, just got a full time job, continues therapy and is medication compliant. We offered love and support...but he had to do the work.
It's never over...but all of us are " under construction".
Your grandson may not be able to even look at the future right now...He needs help, keeping a job and being honest is a step.
Keep posting...it's a journey, but you have to take care of you!
I believe in giving help when they want it, or pushing for medical reasons. But no one can admit being an addict for them, go to a mtg for them or want better for them...you will only be disappointed.
Our son is a recovering heroine addict. He is home after 7 mos, just got a full time job, continues therapy and is medication compliant. We offered love and support...but he had to do the work.
It's never over...but all of us are " under construction".
Your grandson may not be able to even look at the future right now...He needs help, keeping a job and being honest is a step.
Keep posting...it's a journey, but you have to take care of you!
Thank you. He wasn't interested in the GED PROGRAM. Said he doesn't want to go into construction. Construction is the trade they teach. I guess I was just hoping that maybe he would want to better himself. And you are so right he does not look ahead or see ahead in life. Hey while I have your ear I have a question. First, I do abide by my house MY rules. There was a time we let him have friends in the house, but to be honest both my husband and I are uncomfortable with strangers in our home. He is a young fellow we let him enjoy company. Then he started having sleep overs I even allowed him to have a complete stranger sleep over. When I think about it I am a doormat!!!! But another incident happen which caused a misunderstanding that led to us banning ALL company of his no further then our kitchen. He can have company in the yard he can have one person in the kitchen. So far he does abide by this rule. He is pissed at me for this rule. But I was having feelings of guilt to put restrictions on a 19 year old. Please give me your insights. I would be interested in what your house rules are. Also I worry that he may somehow get back at me. Peace to us all.
Sister's Keeper
Active Member
Granny,
I'm sorry for your predicament. Everyone has the right to feels safe and at peace in their own home.
Please call 911 any time that you feel threatened or unsafe.
As for house rules I can't really help you with that, as I am not in that situation, but one rule I would definitely make is that the girlfriend in the truck has to go.
I'm sorry for your predicament. Everyone has the right to feels safe and at peace in their own home.
Please call 911 any time that you feel threatened or unsafe.
As for house rules I can't really help you with that, as I am not in that situation, but one rule I would definitely make is that the girlfriend in the truck has to go.
mof
Momdidntsignupforthis
We have house rules...more so now that our son has moved home on contract. When he was into drugs I didn't even know some of the guys he had over were drug addicts...we are talking preppy kids.
When it all came out..you. an see my signature...He is home. We have other children...He can have a friend over when we are home and only in our downstairs.
This is normal I think!
First...A 19 year old is still a kid, especially when he does not act like an adult. He may not be doing "kid" things...but he is not a mature adult.
If he hasn't finished school, can't work, cause don't you need a ged? What is he doing? That is the crux of your problem....idle time = not great stuff.
It's hard to t hi k about, but what is your boundaries when he is arrested? Maybe he has to sell the truck for rent money to you for now...now that your asserting your rules...where do you want this all to go?
It's really about you and your comfort level. I'm guessing his Mother is not able to assist you. It's not what rules you think are appropriate...it's what you want your home to be like.
Yes...call 911 if you ever feel afraid or threatened.
You have grown so much in this short time! Time for YOU to no longer live in fear and stress!!
You go!!
When it all came out..you. an see my signature...He is home. We have other children...He can have a friend over when we are home and only in our downstairs.
This is normal I think!
First...A 19 year old is still a kid, especially when he does not act like an adult. He may not be doing "kid" things...but he is not a mature adult.
If he hasn't finished school, can't work, cause don't you need a ged? What is he doing? That is the crux of your problem....idle time = not great stuff.
It's hard to t hi k about, but what is your boundaries when he is arrested? Maybe he has to sell the truck for rent money to you for now...now that your asserting your rules...where do you want this all to go?
It's really about you and your comfort level. I'm guessing his Mother is not able to assist you. It's not what rules you think are appropriate...it's what you want your home to be like.
Yes...call 911 if you ever feel afraid or threatened.
You have grown so much in this short time! Time for YOU to no longer live in fear and stress!!
You go!!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
He can work at a restaurant FYI. I work at one and for host and servers you don't need any diplomas. They are laid back about your personal life too as long as you don't bring it to the job. Some servers are good and make a nice buck. Just a heads up. Of course these kids are also working with kids who are in college too so it can be a good influence. I mostly work with 18-30 year olds and some are so together and many are lost. This is one place the lost kids can start to build a life. I am not sure all restaurants are like my chain. I am guessing most are but it's just a guess.
I am very much a fan of my house/my rules. I am rather strict too,like nobody smokes in my house. Nobody. One daughter smoked for a while, but if I knew she had cigarettes I took them so she learned best not to sneak them in our home. Non smokers can sniff out a cigarette quickly. She has long since quit smoking. I did not allow drug users in my house if I knew they were drug users. We had several neighbor issues when my drug using daughter brought cronies into our yard. I got fined once because a minor kid, who I didn't even know, smoked in my yard. That did it for gatherings in my yard. Also they made noise.
I could go on and on. My way of l looking at it, and not everyone shares this, is that my home is my castle and sanctuary and the one place I control. My cars ditto so two things You don't drive my car if you don't follow my rules. I had all my kids pay their part of the car insurance and gas too.
My strictness in certain areas paid off in my opinion. I have four grown kids, all self sufficient, all with stellar work ethics. They have the same my house/my rules in their own homes and I respect them.
I am very much a fan of my house/my rules. I am rather strict too,like nobody smokes in my house. Nobody. One daughter smoked for a while, but if I knew she had cigarettes I took them so she learned best not to sneak them in our home. Non smokers can sniff out a cigarette quickly. She has long since quit smoking. I did not allow drug users in my house if I knew they were drug users. We had several neighbor issues when my drug using daughter brought cronies into our yard. I got fined once because a minor kid, who I didn't even know, smoked in my yard. That did it for gatherings in my yard. Also they made noise.
I could go on and on. My way of l looking at it, and not everyone shares this, is that my home is my castle and sanctuary and the one place I control. My cars ditto so two things You don't drive my car if you don't follow my rules. I had all my kids pay their part of the car insurance and gas too.
My strictness in certain areas paid off in my opinion. I have four grown kids, all self sufficient, all with stellar work ethics. They have the same my house/my rules in their own homes and I respect them.
Again as always thank you. Yes I like the idea MY house my comfort level. That girl in the truck only lasted one night she was gone by the next day. Truth is if I give this kid an inch he takes 101 miles. I just need your input it really is helping me sort thru this murky waters situation. This kid use to go out and look for jobs. Lately he has an excuse he broke his arm and the cast is not due off till December!!!! Also I might add his first job he kept almost a year after that he had jobs he worked one night, one job he lasted two weeks, he works for one of his girlfriend's father on and off. I find out for sure the middle of October when his cast comes off. But it doesn't stop him from going out and I assume partying! Truth be told it's kinda nice when he is out. Someone earlier had mention I should kick him outta my house how do you do that? And you are right he has not earned the right to be treated like a fully functional adult. He grubs from his girlfriends they buy him things as far as I know. He hasn't bother me for $$$$$ for a long while. He took my car in 2015 I mean stole it took the keys while my hubby and I were in the living room and he will NEVER get to drive it again. I called the cops on him in fact it was New Years. They talked to him. I felt horrible but I was so angry that he stole my car! Like I said I don't know if he is selling what are the signs? He hasn't had friends in my yard it's been awhile I chased them last time they get loud and they were always here after midnight!!!! That is why I stay up thru the night, I have to watch him like a hawk!!!! I REALLY don't have no one else to talk to about this. I do work with one girl whose son pretty much is like my grandson but now her son is expecting a baby!!!! I don't tell her EVERYTHING for fear she'll share it with my other coworkers who are toxic people whom I wouldn't give the time of day to if I wasn't force to be with them. His mom has metal health issues. Both her and hubby use to beat him when he was younger that is how they dealth with his difficult behavior. Again thanks.
Sister's Keeper
Active Member
Okay, I was just going to pop in and say casts for simple breaks are only on for about 6 weeks, but you found that out.
To kick him out it will depend on your state tenancy laws. In some states you may have to go through the legal eviction process.
However, if he is violent or threatening with you call the police. Once the police are called and there is a police report or arrest you can file for a protective order, which will, essentially, remove him from your home.
I would sit down and think of some rules you need to have peace and comfort in your own home. Curfew? Guests? Rent? Chores? Smoking, Drinking, drug use? Destruction of property? Treatment? Therapy? Employment? School/job training? ...and come up with a contract that addresses these rules.
I understand why you feel bad for him. In part because of your daughter's treatment of him, part because it is hard to let go of the thought of him as a child. Pity isn't helping him and it's torturing you. He isn't a child, and if you think that a typical 19 year old would being is some combination of education/job training/working. He is doing none of that.
If you want him out of the house, set a deadline. Give him whatever time period you feel is reasonable to get his
together and set a date. 3 months, 6 months, a yer, whatever.
Don't feel bad about calling the police about him stealing the car. He was damn lucky. Had it been anyone but you he would have been in jail.
You said your daughter lives with you, too? Where is she in all this? What is her opinion? Her role?
To kick him out it will depend on your state tenancy laws. In some states you may have to go through the legal eviction process.
However, if he is violent or threatening with you call the police. Once the police are called and there is a police report or arrest you can file for a protective order, which will, essentially, remove him from your home.
I would sit down and think of some rules you need to have peace and comfort in your own home. Curfew? Guests? Rent? Chores? Smoking, Drinking, drug use? Destruction of property? Treatment? Therapy? Employment? School/job training? ...and come up with a contract that addresses these rules.
I understand why you feel bad for him. In part because of your daughter's treatment of him, part because it is hard to let go of the thought of him as a child. Pity isn't helping him and it's torturing you. He isn't a child, and if you think that a typical 19 year old would being is some combination of education/job training/working. He is doing none of that.
If you want him out of the house, set a deadline. Give him whatever time period you feel is reasonable to get his
together and set a date. 3 months, 6 months, a yer, whatever.Don't feel bad about calling the police about him stealing the car. He was damn lucky. Had it been anyone but you he would have been in jail.
You said your daughter lives with you, too? Where is she in all this? What is her opinion? Her role?
mof
Momdidntsignupforthis
If he's selling...well, he would have money, his phone would be lit up like a Xmas tree all the time. Does he bring nice things home you know he can't afford?
Does he go directly to his room when entering the home? Guaranteed, if he's selling, he's using? Have you or your husband searched his room? You have the right....
In a perfect world we would want none of it...but all we have control over is ourselves...
Blessings...we r here for whAtever you need to muddle through...we all have something were navigating. Hugs
Does he go directly to his room when entering the home? Guaranteed, if he's selling, he's using? Have you or your husband searched his room? You have the right....
In a perfect world we would want none of it...but all we have control over is ourselves...
Blessings...we r here for whAtever you need to muddle through...we all have something were navigating. Hugs
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Granny, like me you are older. Don't think you don't matter. It is different to be 50 and going through this and 65. I'm 63.
You deserve to retire from parenthood in my opinion and to just have fun with your husband and functional family and friends. We can't live forever and these defiant young men and women will need to make it without us. They either learn how or they will eventually be 30 and 50 and in the streets. Age of us DOES matter. I suddenly value MY life and what I want to do with the next twenty years, if I stay healthy.
You are a Christian. "Honor thy mother and Father" is a commandment. But our d cs expect us to honor THEM, even if we are old and sick. This is the exact opposite of how healthy young adults behave. Healthy young adults start to worry about us even though we don't want them to. Although 19 can be childish, it isn't always. My husband was serving our country in the Air Force at 18. My 20 year old daughter is working almost full time and going to college in her third year for law enforcement...and she had such bad learning disabilities that she couldn't read at age eight. 19 is only young if they refuse to grow up. They are old enough to at least be a full time host or server at Applebees. They are old enough to have empathy for us and not just worry about their own often selfish desires and to beg for our retirement money for their own stuff, drugs included. Gas. Things they could pay for if they worked even as a restaurant host. I do that. Trust me, it's not a stressful job and does not require brain power. They don't even drug test.
in my opinion You deserve golden years. You have already done much. Unless a person is schizophrenic and afraid of being poisened, mental illness can be medically and therapeutically overcome. I know. I have been managing a serious mood disorder and severe anxiety all my life. This includes my early childhood. At certain times I was afraid to leave the house. Both depression and especially anxiety are treatable. If somebody refuses treatment that is their fault. Should we encourage not getting help and using pot instead? Pot can cause paranoia...it did me when I was young and tried it about eight times. Just made me paranoid and spacy and hungry. Did not make me functional. In fact, it made me not want to do anything but eat...lol.
You have to do what you feel is right. This is just my way of looking at life. I am sharing it. You are not me and this is my two cents. Take anything you like and leave the rest.
You get hugs from me for having such a loving, caring heart. You are such a good person. You will have no time for a life if you keep putting your grandson and his selfish desires before your health. And he won't know what to do once you can't care for him anymore. He has no coping skills. He needs to learn how to man up even if he is immature. I'm so sorry.
You deserve to retire from parenthood in my opinion and to just have fun with your husband and functional family and friends. We can't live forever and these defiant young men and women will need to make it without us. They either learn how or they will eventually be 30 and 50 and in the streets. Age of us DOES matter. I suddenly value MY life and what I want to do with the next twenty years, if I stay healthy.
You are a Christian. "Honor thy mother and Father" is a commandment. But our d cs expect us to honor THEM, even if we are old and sick. This is the exact opposite of how healthy young adults behave. Healthy young adults start to worry about us even though we don't want them to. Although 19 can be childish, it isn't always. My husband was serving our country in the Air Force at 18. My 20 year old daughter is working almost full time and going to college in her third year for law enforcement...and she had such bad learning disabilities that she couldn't read at age eight. 19 is only young if they refuse to grow up. They are old enough to at least be a full time host or server at Applebees. They are old enough to have empathy for us and not just worry about their own often selfish desires and to beg for our retirement money for their own stuff, drugs included. Gas. Things they could pay for if they worked even as a restaurant host. I do that. Trust me, it's not a stressful job and does not require brain power. They don't even drug test.
in my opinion You deserve golden years. You have already done much. Unless a person is schizophrenic and afraid of being poisened, mental illness can be medically and therapeutically overcome. I know. I have been managing a serious mood disorder and severe anxiety all my life. This includes my early childhood. At certain times I was afraid to leave the house. Both depression and especially anxiety are treatable. If somebody refuses treatment that is their fault. Should we encourage not getting help and using pot instead? Pot can cause paranoia...it did me when I was young and tried it about eight times. Just made me paranoid and spacy and hungry. Did not make me functional. In fact, it made me not want to do anything but eat...lol.
You have to do what you feel is right. This is just my way of looking at life. I am sharing it. You are not me and this is my two cents. Take anything you like and leave the rest.
You get hugs from me for having such a loving, caring heart. You are such a good person. You will have no time for a life if you keep putting your grandson and his selfish desires before your health. And he won't know what to do once you can't care for him anymore. He has no coping skills. He needs to learn how to man up even if he is immature. I'm so sorry.
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