New

[Kathy813]

sadgranny, my daughter did not start getting better until my husband and I stopped being enablers. It took 2 years of therapy on our part to get to the point where we could set and stick to firm boundaries.

Our therapist said that every dollar we paid toward living expenses was the same as us buying her drugs for her. That hit me like a brick but started me on the path to my own recovery.

Addiction is truly a family disease. You can't change or fix your grandson. You can change your behaviors.

I suggest that you start going to support groups, private therapy, or a combination of both.

Keep posting here, too. We all have walked in your shoes and understand what you are going through.

~Kathy

 

[Sadgranny]

I am so thankful for all of you reaching out to me. I was hoping when I called elder abuse they could be my muscle. I wanted him to see an authority figure was involved. The social worker said she would come by and check on me and hubby. Then she just never got in touch and after I left her a message she just wanted to meet for coffee again. Believe me I will take all you offered to heart. It's strange but lately my heart no longer goes out to him actually I'm angry with him. I do prefer when he is not home. He is usually moody he use to be a little more happier. I don't notice his phone lighting up and he doesn't have a lot of money he grubs from girlfriends for cigarettes or phone cases once in awhile clothes. Okay you are so right I am thinking about insisting on a training program or therapy but he doesn't listen. You know the reason I gave him keys???? Because we were all outta the house and he came home instead of waiting for us he popped out a screen window and broke into our house. That's the thing with him he does what HE wants. I'm messed up because I'm trying to keep the peace. My hubby will blow up and there will be HELL to pay. The last time I called the cops hubby was going to beat gs with a belt like he was 12 years old BUT gs stood up to him and ever since then hubby I think is a little scare of gs. Hope you don't mind this back story I am hoping you can see where I'm coming from. You really don't know how much I appreciate each and everyone of you. Well I could go on and on and I have!!!

 

[Sadgranny]

sadgranny, my daughter did not start getting better until my husband and I stopped being enablers. It took 2 years of therapy on our part to get to the point where we could set and stick to firm boundaries.

Our therapist said that every dollar we paid toward living expenses was the same as us buying her drugs for her. That hit me like a brick but started me on the path to my own recovery.

Addiction is truly a family disease. You can't change or fix your grandson. You can change your behaviors.

I suggest that you start going to support groups, private therapy, or a combination of both.

Keep posting here, too. We all have walked in your shoes and understand what you are going through.

~Kathy

You are so right. I am an enabler I grew up being an enabler so people would like me. I am not a confrontational person. I am overwhelmed thinking about how to stand up to this kid and make him tow the line. But I ate up EVERYTHING you said. Thanks.

 

[Sadgranny]

Okay, I was just going to pop in and say casts for simple breaks are only on for about 6 weeks, but you found that out.

To kick him out it will depend on your state tenancy laws. In some states you may have to go through the legal eviction process.

However, if he is violent or threatening with you call the police. Once the police are called and there is a police report or arrest you can file for a protective order, which will, essentially, remove him from your home.

I would sit down and think of some rules you need to have peace and comfort in your own home. Curfew? Guests? Rent? Chores? Smoking, Drinking, drug use? Destruction of property? Treatment? Therapy? Employment? School/job training? ...and come up with a contract that addresses these rules.

I understand why you feel bad for him. In part because of your daughter's treatment of him, part because it is hard to let go of the thought of him as a child. Pity isn't helping him and it's torturing you. He isn't a child, and if you think that a typical 19 year old would being is some combination of education/job training/working. He is doing none of that.

If you want him out of the house, set a deadline. Give him whatever time period you feel is reasonable to get his together and set a date. 3 months, 6 months, a yer, whatever.

Don't feel bad about calling the police about him stealing the car. He was damn lucky. Had it been anyone but you he would have been in jail.

You said your daughter lives with you, too? Where is she in all this? What is her opinion? Her role?

My daughter is schizophrenic. He gets nasty towards her sometimes. I love the contract idea but he'll laugh in my face. I am surprised he actually respects our rule of no company in his room. He usually does what he wants to do. The big reason I called elder abuse was so they could back me up and I maybe could have gotten him into therapy or something. Our elder abuse program is a scam. Thanks hope your day is going well.

 

[Sadgranny]

Yes I'm an old girl been in this playground a long long time. My daughter put me thru the ringer when she hit her teens years!!!! I was working full time dealing with an unstable abusive hubby and I have my own issues. I really would love to retire from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE! Yes he is VERY self centered. He never is really cheerful not a nice hello grandma how are you he use to now he is more moody that's part of why I like it when he is not home to me he seems angry not all of the time but most of the time. You're right 19 isn't young my brother was in the Marines at 17 going off to Viet Nam. So true. You are right I think he smokes so much pot it robbed him of any ambitions all he does lately is run around with his friends. Yes so true at this stage in my life, and dealing with some health issues, I sure could use a rest. I like that you said I have to do what feels right. Thank you from my heart your words are so kind and warmed my heart. Have a sweet night. Hugs back to you.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Uggh. Schizophrenia. That is a tough one, horrible, horrible disease. I am assuming she isn't functioning at a high enough level to be of any real assistance to you.

You are in a tough position, and, your grandson hasn't had any breaks in life. A schizophrenic abusive mother and then an abusive grandfather. It doesn't sound like he had many soft places to land, either.

I don't know much about your elder care program, but have you tried NAMI? Maybe they will be able to help you or guide you.

I think part may be that your grandson has his own emotional baggage and part is that he is taking advantage because he knows that he can intimidate you.

He needs to get on some sort of path and do something productive with his life whether it is get an education or a job or some job training.

I am also assuming that you know that mental illness has a very strong genetic component. You GS may be depressed and self medicating. Actually, I would be surprised if he weren't depressed, actually.

You work still, and I am assuming that you have health insurance. Do you have an Employee Assistance Program? (EAP) it sounds like you are in several abusive situations and you really eed some help and direction in sorting this out.

 

[BusynMember]

our elder abuse program is about us, not about getting help for young people who abuse us. I know folks who haved used it successfully to stop abuse against them. they are for elders, not nineteen year olds. they would help you get him awayfrom you so that he cant abuse you. Other than that, that is not their job.

I know you dont care for my advice, but I am a stark realist. The world is not against your grandson. He is his own enemy and elder care does not find help for nineteen year olds. They protect the elderly, like you and me, from young people who abuse us.

Sinse you may feel you need to care for him until you physically cant, there is no help. I would not put up with your grandson, but I am not you and you seem to be eager to continue "helping" him even at your own health and welfare. This is a walk you must take yourself. Some care for 60 year old "children" while in their 80s. They feel they must.You can choose this. It is not wrong. It robs you of your own life though.

You and I are not 50. We are not 55. We have to decide (and it is an individual decision) how we will spend the rest of our lives and if we wish to possibly shorten our lives with stress too.

Your decision is not right or wrong, but it is unfair to dismiss Elder Abuse because they wouldn't help your nineteen year old grandson. They protect the elderly, not our abusive family members. They probably offered you seperation from grandson...that is what they do. it isnt what you want, but it's their function...

At some point, you will no longer be able to help him. At all. We all get there, some sooner than others.

Enabling does not help anyone. Hugs snd prayers!! You have a wonderful, kind soul.

 

[Sadgranny]

Uggh. Schizophrenia. That is a tough one, horrible, horrible disease. I am assuming she isn't functioning at a high enough level to be of any real assistance to you.

You are in a tough position, and, your grandson hasn't had any breaks in life. A schizophrenic abusive mother and then an abusive grandfather. It doesn't sound like he had many soft places to land, either.

I don't know much about your elder care program, but have you tried NAMI? Maybe they will be able to help you or guide you.

I think part may be that your grandson has his own emotional baggage and part is that he is taking advantage because he knows that he can intimidate you.

He needs to get on some sort of path and do something productive with his life whether it is get an education or a job or some job training.

My daughter functions better now since she got herself into therapy and takes her medications. You are so right HE does need a path. I feel when I think of how to help him I hit a wall. Sorry to hear about your situation. How are you doing? Thank you for all your kind words. I want to attend meetings like NA/nami but most are offered when I'm at work but I will look into it again. Thanks.

 

[Sadgranny]

our elder abuse program is about us, not about getting help for young people who abuse us. I know folks who haved used it successfully to stop abuse against them. they are for elders, not nineteen year olds. they would help you get him awayfrom you so that he cant abuse you. Other than that, that is not their job.

I know you dont care for my advice, but I am a stark realist. The world is not against your grandson. He is his own enemy and elder care does not find help for nineteen year olds. They protect the elderly, like you and me, from young people who abuse us.

Sinse you may feel you need to care for him until you physically cant, there is no help. I would not put up with your grandson, but I am not you and you seem to be eager to continue "helping" him even at your own health and welfare. This is a walk you must take yourself. Some care for 60 year old "children" while in their 80s. They feel they must.You can choose this. It is not wrong. It robs you of your own life though.

You and I are not 50. We are not 55. We have to decide (and it is an individual decision) how we will spend the rest of our lives and if we wish to possibly shorten our lives with stress too.

Your decision is not right or wrong, but it is unfair to dismiss Elder Abuse because they wouldn't help your nineteen year old grandson. They protect the elderly, not our abusive family members. They probably offered you seperation from grandson...that is what they do. it isnt what you want, but it's their function...

At some point, you will no longer be able to help him. At all. We all get there, some sooner than others.

Enabling does not help anyone. Hugs snd prayers!! You have a wonderful, kind soul.

Sorry if I gave you the impression I didn't appreciate your advise please accept my apology. No I was trying to get elder abuse services to help ME I wanted gs to see I had someone involved for me to guide and help me against him. Hey at this point I will be honest with you if this kid decided to move out right now I would party like it 2099!!! You are right I make too too many excuses for him for me. I'm messed up so please forgive me and thank you I appreciate your advise please keep it coming.

 

[BusynMember]

That's okay. Trust me, you are not messed up. You are kind. And I don't know it all. And I can be too blunt which can sound harsh. It is hard in my opinion to communicate without our facial expressions and voice tone and emphasis on words. I am so sorry if I sound like a jerk. I value your good heart so very much.

 

[Sadgranny]

That's okay. Trust me, you are not messed up. You are kind. And I don't know it all. And I can be too blunt which can sound harsh. It is hard in my opinion to communicate without our facial expressions and voice tone and emphasis on words. I am so sorry if I sound like a jerk. I value your good heart so very much.

 

[Sadgranny]

That's okay. Trust me, you are not messed up. You are kind. And I don't know it all. And I can be too blunt which can sound harsh. It is hard in my opinion to communicate without our facial expressions and voice tone and emphasis on words. I am so sorry if I sound like a jerk. I value your good heart so very much.

699053, member: 20741"][/QUOTE]
No sweat. Blunt is what I need. You have yourself a good night.

 

[Sadgranny]

Could you stand one more question? Beside working on myself and growing a pair when it comes to this kid and relying on elder abuse to help me how do I get this kid to straighten up. How do I motivate/threaten whatever this kid? In other words how do I solve this problem. If this were cancer what would my chemo be???? Thanks....

 

[Sadgranny]

Just ONE more thing this kid does what he wants. I really don't trust him I know when he can get away with something he will do it. I told you I have to stay up all night so that I don't have nightly guest in my yard. Has anyone ACTUALLY got their Difficult Child to leave and NOT return? Again thanks.

 

[Jabberwockey]

how do I get this kid to straighten up. How do I motivate/threaten whatever this kid? In other words how do I solve this problem. If this were cancer what would my chemo be????

This is the hardest part of this whole journey with our kids and grand kids. You can't. Even though he may not act like it, he is a grown man and fully responsible for his own life and decisions. They have to make the decision to do this or that to improve their lives. The only thing we can really do is to step back, stop enabling, and let them live their lives. Even then there is no guarantee they will straighten up. More often than not, the will simply find someone else who will enable their destructive behaviors. Unfortunately, stupidity and stubbornness has no kryptonite.

 

[BusynMember]

You cant make him straighten out. there is no way. You cant control anyone but yourself. He will only change if and when he wants to and that is usually after we back off. Thats why you are getting advice to take care of the only person on earth you can change...yourself. There is no magic that will make your grandson do well. As long as he knows you will house him, save him and support him, he has no incentive to change either.

it has to come from him and it will only come from him and probably only if living a useless life is harder for him than its been.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

You can't make him do anything. All you can do is set your limits and stick to it.

Sit him down, tell him, "I can't live this way, so you will either have to do X, Y, and Z by such-and-such a date or move out." and stick to it.

You will have to check the tenancy law in your state, because you may have to go through formal eviction proceedings to get him out, but once you make the decision, you have to stick with it. Once legal eviction proceedings are completed you can have the sheriffs remove him. Change the locks. Once he is removed and it is no longer his residence if he returns without your permission it is a crime.

Again, if he is destructive of your property, threatening, or violent in any way call the police. Tell them you are afraid of him and you want a protective order. That will get him out quickly.

You can't make him change, you can't make him do right. Only he can decide that is what he wants to do. All you can do is make it difficult for him to keep living like he does.

 

[Sadgranny]

You cant make him straighten out. there is no way. You cant control anyone but yourself. He will only change if and when he wants to and that is usually after we back off. Thats why you are getting advice to take care of the only person on earth you can change...yourself. There is no magic that will make your grandson do well. As long as he knows you will house him, save him and support him, he has no incentive to change either.

it has to come from him and it will only come from him and probably only if living a useless life is harder for him than its been.

Thank you. I do house him. I don't support him financially. I agree with what you said. So this is me stepping back.

 

[Sadgranny]

You can't make him do anything. All you can do is set your limits and stick to it.

Sit him down, tell him, "I can't live this way, so you will either have to do X, Y, and Z by such-and-such a date or move out." and stick to it.

You will have to check the tenancy law in your state, because you may have to go through formal eviction proceedings to get him out, but once you make the decision, you have to stick with it. Once legal eviction proceedings are completed you can have the sheriffs remove him. Change the locks. Once he is removed and it is no longer his residence if he returns without your permission it is a crime.

Again, if he is destructive of your property, threatening, or violent in any way call the police. Tell them you are afraid of him and you want a protective order. That will get him out quickly.

You can't make him change, you can't make him do right. Only he can decide that is what he wants to do. All you can do is make it difficult for him to keep living like he does.

That my friend I think is key making it difficult for him. Good advise.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I do house him. I don't support him financially.

I understand what you mean by this but think about it. You house him, and I'm assuming that he doesn't contribute financially, therefore you DO support him financially. While you don't pay extra rent or mortgage while he's there, you do pay higher utilities, more for food, there is more to clean because I doubt seriously that he's helping with that, and then simply the added stress to your life.

The reason I mention this is that most people would be grateful for the assistance. Our difficult children/grandchildren think its owed to them. You are doing HIM a huge favor letting him live there. Think about that if and when the time to make the decision to kick him out or not comes.