Tiapet
Old Hand
Orignially I was going to post a vent anyway but then this happened and it, well it gave me a very much needed laugh in a very bad time. Though it hurts to laugh.
At this current time life is not very well at the tia household. First of all, back when I post of how sick I was (and I just got over the final end of it last week) I had gotten orders from my dr to get a series of x-rays done of my back and left hip. I have a lump on the outside of my left hip I've had for months now. Sometimes it's a little bigger then others. Generally not painful except if I lay on it, which I can't really do anyway and don't as I'm confined to laying on my back now for the past 6 or so years. I also was having pain in my mid/lower back that is different then what I normally have and was making it difficult to walk. Fast forward to currently and over this time it has progressed so severely that I have not been able to really walk at all for about a week and a half or so. I walk but like a snail, with a thought to each and every step I take, breath and move. If I move any part of me like my hand, head, etc that will also bring about pain. If you see where the 3/4th vertebra is up from the pelvis that is one area that is painful but I also have pain in the sacrialiac (spelling?) area, the 2 tops of hips, as well as the regions of my ovaries and at times areas in my abdomen (like just below my ribs too). I know years ago they had found a very small hernia around my naval but said it was nothing to worry about. I'd normally think this would have to do with my AS but I know this is NOT what it is. I think it's partially my back but there is more to it. I do have some swelling in the mid back area that hurts. I get spasms of extreme pain if I move at times as well. I know you will all tell me to go to hospital. I have thought about it each and every day for almost a week now, especially since I know my dr will basically blow me off if I were to go into her office. She's done this before to me.
Now as to why I have not gone to the hospital and believe me, I have twice been in car to go as I've been in tears, screamed multiple time with this pain (think childbirth level) and well am just not handling it well.
Right now life, as I said, in tia's household is not well. Oldest difficult child is in a very, very bad way. Her normal winter cycle of depression is extremely bad. She is so suicidal on and off. I've called her therapist on it too. She is drinking quite a bit. 2 nights ago she posted on a blog she keeps that she was taking (and did) 12 benedryls "let's see what happens, I'll probably just pass out." This is her MO for her suicide attempts. She tries to OD. this time it was a smaller dose then normal and something different. Those were in addition to her Trazadone. She doesn't know I know about the blog as it's the only way I can really keep tabs on her and what she is sometimes thinking/doing that I need to know about (drinking/smoking pot). Her therapist knows I know about it and she does not tell her either so that we have this aide. This helps me to know if I should allow her to use a vehicle, watch difficult children, call her psychiatrist or therapist, etc. Maybe I'm wrong. I do all I can to NOT enable her but I also use all I have at my disposal to assist in keeping her and all of us safe too.
Last night she found out a friend of hers online died. She proceeded to drink (didn't even know she had anything in the house) so much that she ended up throwing up for hours which in turn woke middle difficult child because she heard it and went to check on her. I woke up at 5A to it because the new furbaby (another story) was whining in my room because they were loud. I heard them laughing and giggling, carrying on alternating with hearing oldest throwing up. I can't move, as I said above so I tried texting/calling them to see what was up. I finally got middle difficult child and then oldest and found out what was going on. Oldest told me "I drank too much because friend died and I'm afraid you're going to die too. You know if you die I'm going right after you {I've long known this from her telling me this but I have known it otherwise} and you aren't taking care of yourself. You need to go to the hospital. Now I've been throwing up for hours." I told her she was in deep doo doo and she said she knew. Told her it's not the solution to the problem or how to handle things. I told her she has a problem with drinking as she drinks whenever she has a problem as well (have also known this for a while and have tried to address it, she's in denial). I wouldn't let her have car last night because I knew she was looking to go out for alcohol or pot (hence why I was surprised she had any in house). I dropped it and told her to go to bed and she had already been telling sister to do the same. There was no point in arguing or discussing further with a drunk.
I find on her blog this morning that she also posted after that (after 5a when I last checked) that she was a "bloody mess", literally not figuratively She's a cutter and has been cutting a bit lately too. So, had to go check on her and make sure she didn't go overboard with that as well! I don't get why her dr/therapist is not taking any of this seriously? Meanwhile, I have a very wild, manic middle difficult child because she didn't get to sleep last night playing overseerer of big sister which is NOT what she needs to be doing! On one hand I'm hoping, and think, that perhaps seeing her older sister in this state will help in ensuring she will not have her own run ins with alchohol but on the other, she is my one that is more disturbed then all of them and we've not been able to get a grip on all that is wrong so I'm not sure she will process this as one would expect or even hope. She may paradox it and process it in a way that might encourage the behavior!
Thankfully, Mr. Busy slept through all of this and this morning he is on an even keel and off to a friends house to play.
As for why I haven't gone to the hospital, even though I know I should and feel as though I want to-
If I go to the hospital there are several scenerios that may or may not happen but the biggest thing is if they keep me. Let's start with what could happen. They may think I'm just seeking medication, pain killers. Any of you who are on pain killers know that this too often happens. This is the farthest thing from what I'm seeking. I don't even take what I am prescribed most often (and get in trouble because of). Unfortunately ER people can be very judgmental in regards to this even if you STRESS to them you are NOT seeking medication. It's an assumption they make. Secondly, since it's an ER they want to take the shortest route to discovery and often miss things. In this case I think I have more then 1 thing going on. They are going to automatically look towards my back, especially since I have AS (as well as other issues with it) and assume they've "found" the problem when in fact I'm pretty sure there is more (such as a problem with my ovaries, uterus {I do have fibroids that may have grown and be causing something bigger}, the hernia could have grown, etc). Therefor, they will not do the appropriate testing, in in my humble opinion, that they should do to find and discover it all and provide "maybe" a quick fix. I'm not even sure that they could provide a quick fix though because I can not have steroid injections or injections of any kind to my back because of blood thinner and clotting issues.
The other BIGGER issue is if they want to admit me. I can NOT be admitted! There is NO WAY these kids can be left here in the state they are. NO HOW! I'm already having a hard time with the house staying together with me at home, let alone with me gone. I can't call my mother to come down if I'm in because, and here is the other factor that really bites, my mother is in the hospital for ever how long she's going to be in. She went in about 2-3 days ago to a Phospital yet again for her own suicidal issues. This is the 4-5th time this year. After visiting with me she went back home to her house and stress that she had been having to deal with and there was a big chaotic mess to have to deal with and it took her down. She just wanted to turn around and come back but of course she couldn't. Instead, she's now in the hospital. At least with her she will get herself admitted in these last few years rather then make attempts, which had always been what she'd do in my lifetime growing up. Can't tell you how many times I had to deal with that! She always relied on me (yes even as a young child) to "save" her when she made her attempts. She'd have me there giving her ipecap syrup, holding her head over toilet, being the only one she'd talk to whether she was in hospital or elsewhere, etc. I'm telling you if it wasn't for going through this with her I probably wouldn't be able to handle oldest now as well as I do. It's not easy still but it is easier!
But enough of that. We all have lifetimes and experiences. I was just relating another reason why I can't go to hospital as I have no back up to oversee difficult children if I end up in hospital.
Yes, I can hear you all saying, well what if something happens and you end up there anyway? Well, then that's what will happen and life will take on it's own course and somehow things just work out at the time. Bad planning or no planning. I just can't knowingly do something that I know is very bad. Know what I mean??
Now for the post title, the funny funny thing that broke all this heavy stuff this morning.......
Middle difficult child comes downstairs and proclaims......
I have a new penpal! I said a penpal, what do you mean? She says I have a penpal from a friend of mine. This is a friend she has been texting with since she just got her new phone, a friend from school. I said explain what you mean. It is a friend of a friend she texts with and she meant she will be texting this person. I said oh. A little while later she comes down and asks about postage. How much it costs for stamps to mail across the country. I explain the cost of a stamp. Little did I know what she meant at the time! A little more after that she comes down again and starts explaining more. This "penpal" is a person in NIGERIA!!! And the postage was to there so had to explain first of all that postage is more OUT of the country not ACROSS the country and then she proceeds to tell me she is TEXTING to this person!!!
I immediately let her know that she MAY NOT text this person as that is international texting and we do NOT have that on out plan and who knows what that rate is!! OMW! I can't imagine and don't want to see what it is going to cost now! I said you may NOT text Nigeria! Furthermore, often it is from Nigeria that all the scams come from. I tried explaining this to her but she often does not get things. UGH!
I had to have a laugh after she left of the hilarity of it all. Only in my house...only in my house....NO YOU MAY NOT TEXT NIGERIA! Sounds like a commercial! LOL
Anyway, thanks for listening, if you made it this far. Sometimes it's just good to be able to get this out. I'm sure I'll deal with my issue. I'll probably go to the dr, even if she won't address it all like it should be. I'll just have to wait until after the holiday. I've waited this long. What's a few more days now?
At this current time life is not very well at the tia household. First of all, back when I post of how sick I was (and I just got over the final end of it last week) I had gotten orders from my dr to get a series of x-rays done of my back and left hip. I have a lump on the outside of my left hip I've had for months now. Sometimes it's a little bigger then others. Generally not painful except if I lay on it, which I can't really do anyway and don't as I'm confined to laying on my back now for the past 6 or so years. I also was having pain in my mid/lower back that is different then what I normally have and was making it difficult to walk. Fast forward to currently and over this time it has progressed so severely that I have not been able to really walk at all for about a week and a half or so. I walk but like a snail, with a thought to each and every step I take, breath and move. If I move any part of me like my hand, head, etc that will also bring about pain. If you see where the 3/4th vertebra is up from the pelvis that is one area that is painful but I also have pain in the sacrialiac (spelling?) area, the 2 tops of hips, as well as the regions of my ovaries and at times areas in my abdomen (like just below my ribs too). I know years ago they had found a very small hernia around my naval but said it was nothing to worry about. I'd normally think this would have to do with my AS but I know this is NOT what it is. I think it's partially my back but there is more to it. I do have some swelling in the mid back area that hurts. I get spasms of extreme pain if I move at times as well. I know you will all tell me to go to hospital. I have thought about it each and every day for almost a week now, especially since I know my dr will basically blow me off if I were to go into her office. She's done this before to me.
Now as to why I have not gone to the hospital and believe me, I have twice been in car to go as I've been in tears, screamed multiple time with this pain (think childbirth level) and well am just not handling it well.
Right now life, as I said, in tia's household is not well. Oldest difficult child is in a very, very bad way. Her normal winter cycle of depression is extremely bad. She is so suicidal on and off. I've called her therapist on it too. She is drinking quite a bit. 2 nights ago she posted on a blog she keeps that she was taking (and did) 12 benedryls "let's see what happens, I'll probably just pass out." This is her MO for her suicide attempts. She tries to OD. this time it was a smaller dose then normal and something different. Those were in addition to her Trazadone. She doesn't know I know about the blog as it's the only way I can really keep tabs on her and what she is sometimes thinking/doing that I need to know about (drinking/smoking pot). Her therapist knows I know about it and she does not tell her either so that we have this aide. This helps me to know if I should allow her to use a vehicle, watch difficult children, call her psychiatrist or therapist, etc. Maybe I'm wrong. I do all I can to NOT enable her but I also use all I have at my disposal to assist in keeping her and all of us safe too.
Last night she found out a friend of hers online died. She proceeded to drink (didn't even know she had anything in the house) so much that she ended up throwing up for hours which in turn woke middle difficult child because she heard it and went to check on her. I woke up at 5A to it because the new furbaby (another story) was whining in my room because they were loud. I heard them laughing and giggling, carrying on alternating with hearing oldest throwing up. I can't move, as I said above so I tried texting/calling them to see what was up. I finally got middle difficult child and then oldest and found out what was going on. Oldest told me "I drank too much because friend died and I'm afraid you're going to die too. You know if you die I'm going right after you {I've long known this from her telling me this but I have known it otherwise} and you aren't taking care of yourself. You need to go to the hospital. Now I've been throwing up for hours." I told her she was in deep doo doo and she said she knew. Told her it's not the solution to the problem or how to handle things. I told her she has a problem with drinking as she drinks whenever she has a problem as well (have also known this for a while and have tried to address it, she's in denial). I wouldn't let her have car last night because I knew she was looking to go out for alcohol or pot (hence why I was surprised she had any in house). I dropped it and told her to go to bed and she had already been telling sister to do the same. There was no point in arguing or discussing further with a drunk.
I find on her blog this morning that she also posted after that (after 5a when I last checked) that she was a "bloody mess", literally not figuratively She's a cutter and has been cutting a bit lately too. So, had to go check on her and make sure she didn't go overboard with that as well! I don't get why her dr/therapist is not taking any of this seriously? Meanwhile, I have a very wild, manic middle difficult child because she didn't get to sleep last night playing overseerer of big sister which is NOT what she needs to be doing! On one hand I'm hoping, and think, that perhaps seeing her older sister in this state will help in ensuring she will not have her own run ins with alchohol but on the other, she is my one that is more disturbed then all of them and we've not been able to get a grip on all that is wrong so I'm not sure she will process this as one would expect or even hope. She may paradox it and process it in a way that might encourage the behavior!
As for why I haven't gone to the hospital, even though I know I should and feel as though I want to-
If I go to the hospital there are several scenerios that may or may not happen but the biggest thing is if they keep me. Let's start with what could happen. They may think I'm just seeking medication, pain killers. Any of you who are on pain killers know that this too often happens. This is the farthest thing from what I'm seeking. I don't even take what I am prescribed most often (and get in trouble because of). Unfortunately ER people can be very judgmental in regards to this even if you STRESS to them you are NOT seeking medication. It's an assumption they make. Secondly, since it's an ER they want to take the shortest route to discovery and often miss things. In this case I think I have more then 1 thing going on. They are going to automatically look towards my back, especially since I have AS (as well as other issues with it) and assume they've "found" the problem when in fact I'm pretty sure there is more (such as a problem with my ovaries, uterus {I do have fibroids that may have grown and be causing something bigger}, the hernia could have grown, etc). Therefor, they will not do the appropriate testing, in in my humble opinion, that they should do to find and discover it all and provide "maybe" a quick fix. I'm not even sure that they could provide a quick fix though because I can not have steroid injections or injections of any kind to my back because of blood thinner and clotting issues.
The other BIGGER issue is if they want to admit me. I can NOT be admitted! There is NO WAY these kids can be left here in the state they are. NO HOW! I'm already having a hard time with the house staying together with me at home, let alone with me gone. I can't call my mother to come down if I'm in because, and here is the other factor that really bites, my mother is in the hospital for ever how long she's going to be in. She went in about 2-3 days ago to a Phospital yet again for her own suicidal issues. This is the 4-5th time this year. After visiting with me she went back home to her house and stress that she had been having to deal with and there was a big chaotic mess to have to deal with and it took her down. She just wanted to turn around and come back but of course she couldn't. Instead, she's now in the hospital. At least with her she will get herself admitted in these last few years rather then make attempts, which had always been what she'd do in my lifetime growing up. Can't tell you how many times I had to deal with that! She always relied on me (yes even as a young child) to "save" her when she made her attempts. She'd have me there giving her ipecap syrup, holding her head over toilet, being the only one she'd talk to whether she was in hospital or elsewhere, etc. I'm telling you if it wasn't for going through this with her I probably wouldn't be able to handle oldest now as well as I do. It's not easy still but it is easier!
Yes, I can hear you all saying, well what if something happens and you end up there anyway? Well, then that's what will happen and life will take on it's own course and somehow things just work out at the time. Bad planning or no planning. I just can't knowingly do something that I know is very bad. Know what I mean??
Now for the post title, the funny funny thing that broke all this heavy stuff this morning.......
Middle difficult child comes downstairs and proclaims......
I have a new penpal! I said a penpal, what do you mean? She says I have a penpal from a friend of mine. This is a friend she has been texting with since she just got her new phone, a friend from school. I said explain what you mean. It is a friend of a friend she texts with and she meant she will be texting this person. I said oh. A little while later she comes down and asks about postage. How much it costs for stamps to mail across the country. I explain the cost of a stamp. Little did I know what she meant at the time! A little more after that she comes down again and starts explaining more. This "penpal" is a person in NIGERIA!!! And the postage was to there so had to explain first of all that postage is more OUT of the country not ACROSS the country and then she proceeds to tell me she is TEXTING to this person!!!

I had to have a laugh after she left of the hilarity of it all. Only in my house...only in my house....NO YOU MAY NOT TEXT NIGERIA! Sounds like a commercial! LOL
Anyway, thanks for listening, if you made it this far. Sometimes it's just good to be able to get this out. I'm sure I'll deal with my issue. I'll probably go to the dr, even if she won't address it all like it should be. I'll just have to wait until after the holiday. I've waited this long. What's a few more days now?