Not sure if I should be concerned - thankful for this group.

Edamame

New Member
Hey! I just found y’all today. I have a story somewhat like so many that I have read here.
In short, my story is this, I got along with all of my stepchildren while my husband and I were just friends and while we were dating but as soon as we became engaged his ex became jealous, very angry, and started manipulating the kids. They are now very young adults - 18, 21, and 24, and this has only been about 2 years. Their mom is bi-polar and grandmother is described as being very much like the mother. I have asked my husband and the oldest daughter, 24, not to talk about the mother like they sometimes do in front of me so when they do I excuse myself from it. Anyway, the girls (21 still lives with her brother, mom, and mom’s new family) and I get along great. The boy, 18, and I used to get along very well but his behavior has become increasingly disrespectful and intimidating toward me. He has crashed a surprise party I was having for my husband and absolutely ruined it - cussing loudly and just being brash with us and our guests. When my husband asked him to stop he postured-up to him and said what are you going to do about it? You don’t get to tell me what to do old man! And to my shock, my husband backed down and changed the subject and let him stay at the all adult party. That was a year and a half ago. Since then he has come into my home while I was there alone and postured-up to me and then went into our basement while I was calling my husband to come home - he took several bags of things (likely his own stuff but I have no idea what he took). The boy had a key but I changed the locks because my husband wouldn’t do it. Shortly after that event, the boy reported to the police that his gun was stolen from his mother’s home. The boy has driven past our home several times while I am there and just not stopped but I have wondered why he would be doing that. Once he did it several times in the same day until I called my parents who came over to hang with me.
The boy, in my husband’s words, “bullies” me and while my husband “understands that I am afraid of him” and agrees that he has “intentionally intimidated” (husband’s words) me and behaved with blatant disrespect, husband still says the boy would never hurt me so he does not see him as a threat. Since the time the boy got in husbands face, husband states over and over that he will not tolerate this type behavior toward me from his son but each time he acts out at me husband does not even acknowledge it. The boy is more brash each time I see him, which is very rarely because I try to avoid him as much as possible.
Wednesday evening we had a family event at oldest daughters home where son was present. Both daughters were talking to their father about the mother’s hate of me and their need to appease her because of her issues and their discomfort with it all. Usually I exit but because it was about me it seemed like I needed to know it though not participate in it. The youngest daughter stated “dad, you just don’t get it. I mean, it’s bad! ‘Brother’ and mom have some type connection and he can get away with anything. I mean, ‘Brother’ can do whatever he wants and mom supports him. He could kill someone and mom would say he didn’t mean to.” It really struck a chord with me that she said mom would say not mom would believe.
I have felt a little fear of the boy for quite some time and I even have told my husband but now I feel a ton of fear. Earlier today husband said the daughters statement was just a random statement but I said I feel like it was spoken out of a seed of hate and who knows what else that is in that house with their mom and that it sounded too specific to be considered random.
I don’t think people just throw around statements of killing in today’s society. Am I being dramatic or does that sound reasonable? Husband said the boy has always been a little jerk but he’s basically a good kid with no history of violence so there is no reason to make so much of this. Husband puts no weight in the statement nor does he connect the dots between son’s hate, ex’s hate, son’s growing contemptuous and threatening behavior, and the “stolen” gun. I say people do astounding things out of jealousy and rage and he says I am not wrong about all of this BUT son would never do that.
Am I right to feel afraid? I am absolutely furious at husband for not believing son is a threat. Can y’all please advise? I am thinking of filing a report with the police just to have on record the stress and fear in this situation. Part of me says this will put the boy over the edge and part of me says if I don’t and something happens to me who would report these truths. Ugh...why won’t husband stand up to the son’s inappropriate behavior?
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I am so sorry. It sounds complicated. I can only imagine.

in my opinion you could benefit from marriage counseling or things may not improve. This family behavior seems to be a long held pattern that is unhealthy. These are adults and in my opinion should not be as big a part as your marriage as they are. The son sounds scary and it sounds like your husband isn't taking his threatening behavior seriously. Is this what you want? It may change or it may not.

Even if your husband won't go for counseling I think you should go yourself. For me, therapy gave me clarity I was too emotional to see. Very helpful.

I send prayers and hugs.
 

Edamame

New Member
Thank you so much for the prayers!! Please continue them and I return the love by lifting your name too!
We are in counseling and I have seen my husband grow in some areas but not in this area. You are right, it has been a help in most ways! I am so hurt that he is protecting his son from the consequences of his behavior instead of protecting me from his son. I think I will call our counselor and discuss this with him without my husband just to get perspective and clarity as you put it! I definitely need some clarity! Thank you again! Have a great night!
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
Edamame, I can relate somewhat to your situation, as my husband's boys were grown when we got married and the oldest and I didn't hit it off. I was fortunate, in that my husband backed me against the boys, which didn't sit well (as you can imagine). The counselor may have some workable suggestions, but I would also call the police and ask if there is anything you can do prior to this escalating. Of course, that might be a trigger towards violence by your stepson.

I can understand your hurt, believe me, I would be both hurt and angry and not shy about expressing it! Please stay safe, change the locks and garage codes, and keep an eye on your financial info as stepson may try to get your banking and/or credit card passwords. You just never know. Many hugs.
 

Edamame

New Member
Thank you for your support and understanding. I am talking to the police tomorrow morning at 10:15am. I appreciate your thought to keep an eye on our accounts and I will address that right now not only our banking but also our utilities and other type things. I would have never thought of that. Definitely want to be covered in every way possible. Sincerely appreciate your thoughts!!! Edamame.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I am sorry that you are going through this.

Your stepson sounds like a total jerk and is very disrespectful to both you and your husband.

How far do you live from your stepchildren's mother? Do you live in a home that you had before you got married or did you purchase it together?

I would definitely not let the son in my house for a very long time and definitely until he can show respect. Is he using drugs or anything that you know of? I don't understand why he is acting this way. I would make sure that husband and son know that he is not welcome even though that is his son. If he cannot act respectful I do not see any reason why he should be in your home. I am glad that you changed the locks and the garage code.

I agree that your husband should be backing you up. A wife is supposed to come first, before children. By dad not saying anything about it to his son, it looks like he is condoning this behavior.

I feel that you don't have to ask us or anyone if you have the right to feel scared or threatened. If you feel that way, you have that right no matter what anyone says. Your feelings matter too!

How did things go at the police station? They usually don't do anything until something actually happens it seems.
:staystrong:
 

Edamame

New Member
I am sorry that you are going through this.

Your stepson sounds like a total jerk and is very disrespectful to both you and your husband.

How far do you live from your stepchildren's mother? Do you live in a home that you had before you got married or did you purchase it together?

I would definitely not let the son in my house for a very long time and definitely until he can show respect. Is he using drugs or anything that you know of? I don't understand why he is acting this way. I would make sure that husband and son know that he is not welcome even though that is his son. If he cannot act respectful I do not see any reason why he should be in your home. I am glad that you changed the locks and the garage code.

I agree that your husband should be backing you up. A wife is supposed to come first, before children. By dad not saying anything about it to his son, it looks like he is condoning this behavior.

I feel that you don't have to ask us or anyone if you have the right to feel scared or threatened. If you feel that way, you have that right no matter what anyone says. Your feelings matter too!

How did things go at the police station? They usually don't do anything until something actually happens it seems.
:staystrong:
Yeah, the police didn’t do anything but I filed for information purposes. Now, if I call because of an incident they will already have the background info and respond more quickly. It is a benefit if something happens.
We are renting a house right now but we are building so soon we will be in a new place about 45 minutes from the mom.
I appreciate so much that you said that about my husband looking like he condones the behavior. I have said that and he looks at me like I am crazy. This weekend he seemed to understand me a little better and made me think he’s going to stand up for me but time will tell. I am just tired of feeling used. I really didn’t see this coming. When we dated my husband made me feel like I was treasured and now I feel like he will do something about his son after he hurts me. He even said he thinks I am exaggerating things. That really hurt my feelings but that is actually what opened the door for the good communication we had over the weekend. Anyway, it feels like you really get me and I appreciate that so much. It’s a tricky navigation for my husband too, I know it must be. I want them to have a good relationship but I also think we need to determine what is the minimum expectation of him as far as behavior toward me so we can be guarded about what crosses that line. Thank you for your kind support. I didn’t realize how truly down I was. This group has helped a lot!
 

Edamame

New Member
I forgot to answer, I do not know about drugs. Just based on his age and his style I would not be surprised if he smokes some but that’s just a guess. His agitation does seem to be growing but, honestly, I think it is the mother’s influence more so than drugs. ??? I will definitely pay more attention to things that I might not have noticed without your thoughts and see if I am missing something.
thank you again!!
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I'm glad I was able to help in a small way.

It's got to be uncomfortable for you. I'm sure you love your husband and just want to be happy and have a peaceful life, which is what most of us want. It shouldn't be THAT hard.

Do you have any children of your own? I'd just stay away from the son if it were me, if that is at all possible. If he doesn't see you it cannot feed his anger and resentment. I would not be around someone like him no matter what if it were me. I don't do that. If you husband wants to spend time with him, let him but not around you. Go meet a friend or do something positive for YOU.

I'm glad you're moving farther away. I hope that gives you some peace and a fresh start.
 
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