Not sure what happened...

[JKF]

I also found out that the church is willing to pay for him to come back to NJ. I made sure I was more than clear that if he does come back he's NOT living here, he's NOT coming to the house, and we will have minimal contact. I also reminded him that it's very likely he'll wind up back in jail since there's a warrant out for his arrest in PA for skipping out on his probation. Apparently he was run for warrants the other night and the cop told him there's a warrant out but it's not an extraditable warrant since he's so far away. However, if he comes back here he'll be close enough for them to come get him.

 

[Echolette]

Thurs he stood up the social worker who was supposed to bring him to his SSI appointment. He never went to his foodstamp appointment either so he has no money and no food. difficult child called me last night. I hesitated, but I did answer. He told me that he and this girl and "their dog" have been sleeping in a park and that it's very cold at night. Last night they were put up in a hotel for the night by the church. Tonight he'll be back on the streets. I told him to go to the shelter but he refuses. He said this girl will not go and he's not leaving her side.

Wow, do you know my difficult child? this sounds exactly like him. Standing up the social working, losing the food stamps, losing the SSI opportunity, getting a dog (difficult child's dog is named Justice, hahaha)
, refusing to go to shelter because then he can't be with the girl (who we know will have moved on within weeks)...amazing!

Sadly mine also has the same list of diagnoses, and a similar age.

That is where my fear and guilt start to creep him...but he's ill! I start to whine to myself. He can't take care of himself. He can't be expected to.

MWM has shared her story with us, about the accountability of people with different brain chemistry, and their duty to take care of themselves by taking their medications and taking advantage of the resources that they need and are available to them to make them functional.

You did the only thing you could do, the only thing a sane person, a reasonable person, a loving parent would do. I love the "you must have had a plan" assertion, that is great parenting for our younger difficult child's.

More massages for you!!!

and hugs, too,

Echo

 

[JKF]

I know Echo! When I read your posts I always think to myself "OMG we have the SAME difficult child!"

And I know all too well about the fear and guilt! I, too, go through that same cycle, however lately I've been forcing myself to stop and reminding myself that although he's ill, he has choices and resources available and if he wants to he'll use them. If not, that's his choice. He's more than capable of making decisions that suit him and finding help when he really wants it. At this point, I have no doubt in my mind that when and if he really, truly needs and wants help he'll find a way to get it.

In spite of all of that and my practicing detachment, the whole thing is really very sad. I try not to think of the whole big picture because when I do, it's crushing. My child is mentally ill, unmedicated, and homeless. He's never going to be ok. He's never going to have the life that I hoped he could have and I'm never going to be able to help him unless he really wants to help himself. So overwhelming at times but it is what it is.

 

[Echolette]

In spite of all of that and my practicing detachment, the whole thing is really very sad. I try not to think of the whole big picture because when I do, it's crushing. My child is mentally ill, unmedicated, and homeless. He's never going to be ok. He's never going to have the life that I hoped he could have and I'm never going to be able to help him

This is the place of drowning, I get it. I almost drowned in yours just now! And as I always do, I started to panic with the feeling of drowning...and then...I just...let it wash through me. Wash through me, around me, like a low wave in the sand, finding its way back to the water and leaving me still on the shore, still healthy, still striving, still me.

I hope you are in the same place today.

more hugs,

Echo

 

[JKF]

I started to panic with the feeling of drowning...and then...I just...let it wash through me. Wash through me, around me, like a low wave in the sand, finding its way back to the water and leaving me still on the shore, still healthy, still striving, still me.

I just pictured this. Letting it wash through me and around me and with that imagery I instantly felt peace. Thank you Echo. This has been added to my toolbox and is one I will be using often!

Hugs to you!!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Nice job JKF. I'm so happy you loved the massage, I do too.

You're doing what we all essentially do, keep stepping back................and it does get easier with time. I remember last year and all that you went through with your son. It's terrific that you've come so far. Celebrate!! (have another massage!!)

 

[pasajes4]

Good for you mom. I am getting there. We live we learn.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am sorry for the pain of it, JKF. It helps me to remember that it is the situation that is impossible. There is no blame, no resentment, no imperative to rush in because there is nothing we could think of that we haven't tried.

It is tragic, disheartening, draining.

So, we learn to choose to survive it. Like COM posts to us, she has a "toolbox", a collection of tried and true actions, resources, and thought patterns to fall back on, now.

I loved Echo's imagery, too.

Cedar

 

[JKF]

He tried to call me last night but I chose not to answer. I can do that now - ignore the calls without thinking the worst. It's yet another step in the right direction.

Anyway - although he's blocked me from Facebook, I can still see his page through my easy child's. Of course I've been checking - old habits die hard - and it appears that this girl he gave everything up for has left him and moved on to some other sucker. Hmmmm - there's a big surprise. Happens every time. These difficult child girls hook up with my difficult child, use him, and leave when he has nothing left to offer. He never learns from it either. He posted on FB that he may be moving to Flordia where another difficult child girl lives. This one is "the love of his life" and she happens to be pregnant and homeless because her boyfriend is in jail for beating her. OMG! It's insane! I couldn't even make this s**t up if I wanted to!

Maybe now that this girl is gone he'll at least go to the shelter. Florida is a long way from where he's currently living so maybe he won't go. Whatever. It's his choice. I know I'm a broken record but the more I keep saying "it's his choice" the more it's sinking in that it really, truly is!

 

[tryagain]

JKF, I had to tell my difficult child she couldn't ever live with us again back in January, when she was campaigning to do that. Like your difficult child, she had caused holy hell to us in the past bc she wouldn't take her bipolar medications and would become mean and violent. So in February, she and her boyfriend had a big fight and she tried to commit suicide. Even after we got through that, I still said "No" to requests to move in with us. We let her stay here until she got an apartment, but she can't EVER live here again.

So I understand where you are coming from! Stay strong!